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Category: children

Potential Long-Term Effects: Children and Divorce

We’ve discussed the examples of short-term effects, so, now we’ll take a look at the potential long-term effects that can be a result of divorce for children. Keep in mind as you read them, because some are pretty harrowing, that each child will react differently. There is no one way to expect them to act. They are experiencing the divorce in a different way than you are, and making sure those lines of communication are open, can make a huge difference for how they interpret and react to what is happening.

Potential long-term effects of divorce on children

Drug or alcohol addiction

One of the common short term effects for children of divorce is to lash out in ways that will gain attention or dull their pain. Depending on the age group that the child is in, alcohol or drugs are one surefire way to do it. Therefore a dependence has a much higher chance of developing. This is very much based off of how your child reacts, and their age group. But, it is important to recognize the signs early on.

Get Married or have Children Very Early

If you speak to a teenager or young adult who was in the middle of a nasty divorce, often times you will hear them say: “I just want a normal family” or “I just want to do it better”. Children who experienced a separated family will often feel an urge to create a unified family of their own quicker than your average teenager.

But, on the flip side of this, children of divorced parents are much more likely (statistically) to experience a divorce for themselves. Therefore the chances of both having children early, but also divorcing early— are very high.

Anxiety

When a child is witness to a nasty divorce, they are often left feeling torn between two parents. Therefore, anxiety is a common side effect. No matter the age, if the setting is hostile a child will become anxious. From the decisions they must make, to which parent they spend their time with, and the ever dreaded holidays.

Holidays for divorced families are quite different, especially when the relationship between two parents is strained. Anxiety is by no means uncommon, and most people experience it to some extent. But, watching out for the characteristics might help you aid the problem more quickly. Such as sleep problems, distancing themselves, getting into trouble, hair loss, etc.

Developing Strong Relationships

Keep in mind that there are a lot of good potential long-term effects that can come from these situations. Ultimately, every child and parent will handle divorce differently, and the reaction can be inherently positive. When you and your spouse can create display of unity, maintain communication, and show the child that what is happening here is not ideal— but it is not the end of the world, they can grow from the situation.

It is all in how a child portrays the message. If you are showing them that this marriage is ending because it was not healthy in the right ways— they can learn from that. They can begin to understand what is healthy in a marriage and instill those values for themselves.

Short Term Side Effects: Divorce and Children

When you introduce the idea of an impending divorce to your children, they might react in a number of ways. The short term side effects of divorce on your children can have a huge range— and we do mean it when we say there is no guide that will fit your exact situation. So, here is a basic list of reactions you might expect and find ways to circumvent. No divorce is perfect, and neither is any reaction. So, the best thing you can do is prepare for them!

Short Term Side Effects of Divorce on Children

Lashing Out

Lashing out is, more simply put, acting outside of the child’s norm, is a very common response to stress. Especially divorce related stress. This might come in form of screaming, sneaking out, drinking, drugs, coloring on the walls…— this will all depend on the age group that they are in. But most commonly— a child will act out by doing things to intentionally hurt one or both parents (usually whoever they associate the most blame with).

Isolating Themselves

It is not uncommon for a child to want to be alone during a time like this. Think about it—their whole world is shifting before their eyes. Sometimes, a child might just feel like the only person who understands is themselves. Therefore, they isolate. Maybe the aren’t talking to friends, or they aren’t talking to you— or they aren’t talking to anyone. Either way, it is normal but make sure you are engaging with them. In short, try. It won’t be easy, but making a move to open those lines of communication will be super helpful in making sure this short-term set of feelings don’t turn into something larger.

Denial

Another common response is to deny that this is even happening. Maybe the child is making moves to try and reconcile the relationship, or play matchmaker with the two of you. Or is hesitant to accepting that change is coming. By playing along, you might be further convincing that child that change might come and they have influence over changing it. It is best to have a conversation with the child, at this point, to make sure that everyone is on the same page about the pending changes. While it won’t be easy, you’re sparing your child the heartache and hope if they sense that they have an effect on your decision.

Lack of Concentration

A lot is going on at home. For a child, this can severely impact their ability to focus in other aspects of life. It can be purposeful or subconscious, but you will often see the signs first in school work or day to day activities. From grades dropping, bad progress reports, a lack of interest in normal extracurriculars. Honestly, it is not an uncommon response to such a big change. While it is not ideal, speaking with their teacher and explaining the situation might help her to apply some leniency to how she handles things. While this would not normally be the appropriate way to go with other instances— this one is quite extenuating.

Guilt

Last of all, your child might be feeling some degree of guilt over what is happening. Especially when a child is younger, they might associate things they have done with the current situation. If they are feeling this way, often they won’t express it. But, in turn, they might begin to feel remorseful, responsible, and depressed for the way that things are going. This is part of why communication about the ‘why and what’ is so important. For a child to feel as if they are responsible, is a heavy burden to bear. Therefore, they might act out in ways that reflect these feelings.

The key in all of these different short term side effects is communication and expectation

Expect that your child will act out and respond in a number of ways. Communicate that this is not their fault, theirs to handle, or theirs to carry the load for. A child’s mind is complex and constantly changing, and a reaction is only natural. But establishing those feelings, finding ways to comfortably talk about them, and allowing your child to vent— these are all important ways of making sure everyone comes out on the other end of this thing feeling as healthy and happy as possible.

Establishing New Holiday Traditions

Establishing new holiday traditions after divorce can be tricky. You have to find ways to honor old traditions, create exciting and new ones, and be flexible in when and how you do them. The holidays are tough, especially for children of divorce. It always seems that someone gets the short end of the stick— whether be one of the parents, or the child. So, what can you do to prevent this? The truth is, there’s no easy answer. Discovering what works for you and your newly divided family is no easy task. So, we’ve devised a quick list of some things to do, and things to avoid, as you prepare these new blended family traditions.

Establishing New Holiday Traditions: Making the Most of Changing Times

A blended family is defined as a family comprised of both sides of the previous marriage. Take Dad, for example, and his new girlfriend or wife and her children. Then mom, has her husband and their children. So, in short, a blended family is a mix of all avenues of the divorced family. Creating new traditions can be a way of helping the family reintegrate and helping the child remain adjusted.

Tip 1: Keep it simple

Remember that traditions don’t have to be big and grand. They can be something as simple as the same tablecloth every birthday, or the same tree topper at both houses. Traditions are what you make them, and usually the smaller the tradition— the more meaningful. It’s the remembrances that make the difference. Especially as you and your children adjust to the changes that come along with divorced, and blended, families.

Tip 2: Honor traditions old and new

Having rituals and traditions that you can honor, while also creating ones unique to your changing family helps harbor that excitement your children most likely associate with the holidays. Finding ways to blend those former happy times into a promise of new ones is a great way to provide a united front while also establishing things unique to each household that you can both enjoy. Use the holidays as an opportunity to feel out co-parenting is fantastic. This is ‘the most wonderful time of the year’, especially for children. So, making the most of that in any way you can— is always a good idea.

Tip 3: Be flexible

Remember that the holiday season and cheer should not be allocated to one, single day. Dad has Christmas this year? Extend the season!!! Who says you have to do Christmas when other people do? Maybe you have to celebrate on the 28th this year— the key is being unselfish, understanding, and going with the flow of things. Times are changing, use this as your chance for establishing new holiday traditions just for yourself!

Suing DSS for Taking Your Kids

DSS has a lot of power in the state of South Carolina. DSS can take your kids, terminate your rights, and put your kid up for adoption. So, what can you do if DSS abuses their power or acts with gross negligence? You can sue. Bass v. SC DSS is a case that shows this exact situation.

What Happened Here

Diane and Otis Bass had three kids. All three had special needs, but two were also autistic: Hanna and Alex. Hanna and Alex had special medicine to help them sleep at night. In April 2008, the medicine was accidently mixed at 1000 times the recommended concentration. Diane and Otis did not know. So, after giving Hanna and Alex the medicine, both children became very sick and ended up in the hospital. The hospital placed Alex on life support. The day the children went to the hospital, DSS received a report that two special needs children were in the hospital due to possible poisoning by parents. DSS assigned the case a “medium” danger rating, which mandated a filed report and initiated investigation within 24 hours. Parrish was the caseworker.

Parrish spoke to the hospital staff, took the medicine, and asked Diane and Otis to meet her the next morning. During this meeting, Parrish chose to remove the children from Diane and Otis. About a month later, Parrish learned that the medicine was the cause of the children’s illness and not the parents. Thus, Diane and Otis got their kids back. Diane and Otis sued for gross negligence and outrage. A jury agreed with Diane and Otis. The appellate court reversed. Diane and Otis then appealed to the Supreme Court.

The Court found that there was evidence that DSS did not conduct a proper investigation of the Bass kids and family. Thus, the jury verdict could not be overturned by a court of appeals.

Proving Gross Negligence

If DSS takes your kids when they should not, speak with a lawyer. DSS makes mistakes. You should not let them get away with their mistakes. Contact us today to talk about your family law needs.