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Author: Robert Reeves

Step Parent Prosperity: Finding Your Groove in Year One

Being a step parent is tough. You’re left to figure out where the boundaries lie, what is expected of you, and how you can come into a more active role in the family as it constantly shifts. Being a step parent has its own set of turmoil. Especially in that first year, and we’re here for you. You’re not alone, it is as tough as you feel it is, and you’re allowed to be frustrated from time to time.

Step Parent Hacks: Finding Your Place in the Family

In this first year, you’re learning a lot. Every child is different, and if you don’t have any of your own— you’re in a bit more uncharted water than someone bringing their own child into the situation. You’re figuring out a household, you’re getting to know your children, and setting routines with them— without overstepping. It’s tough until you find a groove.

You’re not expected to be a parent to this child

You are, at first, mostly trying to create a bond or a friendship with the child. No one expects you to discipline, or fall into a parental role. Until you figure out where the boundaries lie for the parents, and the child, you’re a bit of a bystander. The best thing you can do is ask both of the parents: “what do you need and expect of me when it comes to the child?” Having this conversation, while it might feel slightly strange, can create a fantastic dynamic between the three of you. It shows an effort on your part to mind their roles as parents. But it also displays a willingness to fall into a role that is helpful to the parents and the child.

It’s okay to put your marriage first as you figure it out

You married into a family, but you also married a person. It’s okay to prioritize them at first— no matter what anyone says. Establishing open lines of communication within which you can tell your spouse, listen, ‘this makes me uncomfortable’, or ‘I need this of you’. Marriage is tough, and the first year growing pains are inevitable— especially when children are involved. You have to find peace within your marriage in order to make it work during the growing pain days.

Be willing to take a backseat at first

The child will come to you. Sometimes it takes a while, and sometimes it feels hopeless. But if you aren’t pushing, and you can provide the kind of support they need from you— you’ll find friendship in no time. Be less active in these scenario’s and know you don’t have to try so hard to be anything but a friend at first. If they start confiding in you, and treating you as more— roll with it!! That’s awesome, but don’t expect too much of them.

Commit

It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, and some days will be better than others. But if you love your husband, and his family, you’ve gotta ride it out from time to time. Marriage, and especially being a step parent, is not always sunshine and rainbows. But if you can celebrate the triumphs, and let go of the little stuff— you’ll find that you have a great spot in all of this. You don’t have the pressure of parenting. But, you do have the chance to create an inseparable bond with the child and your husband, and potentially his ex-spouse.

It’s all about finding your groove together, and letting it be from time to time. We wish you luck as you embark on a journey that will not be easy. But, at the end of the day, it will be extremely rewarding.

Raising a Teenager During Tough Times

Raising a teenager is tough, especially when you’re going through a divorce or custody battle. Emotions are running high, things are changing, and sometimes it’s hard to keep up and keep communicating. There’s no easy route and there’s no piece of advice that will help you through the hard days. In short, you’re dealing with the tough stuff right now. So, we’re here to help. We’re going to give you a few pieces of tried and true advice when it comes to raising a teenager, going through tough times, and not pulling your hair out at the end of the day.

Raising a Teenager During Tough Times

Teenagers are tough. They’re moody, their bodies are changing, and they’re becoming more exposed to the adult world. Stir all that up and add one divorce or custody battle, and you have one tough pill to swallow. There’s no easy way to go about it, and there will inevitably be bad days. But, if you can get them to talk with you and communicate how they’re feeling— you’re a winner in all of our books.

Provide emotional support, but don’t bend the rules

It is important to maintain your boundaries and the non-negotiables. But be sure to also give them the emotional support and closeness they need to feel comfortable. Teenagers are no easy task, but communication and leveling with them from time to time is the only remedy. You have to create that mutual respect when it’s being called into question from time to time. Think about it mom/dad, your baby is growing up. And in a tough time too, cut them some slack. But, also stand firm when need be.

Set aside time for fun

If times have been tough and emotions are running high, get yourselves out and about. See a movie, play laser tag, go to the book store— whatever your mutual interests are, go at them with reckless abandon from time to time. You both need an outlet, believe me.

Talk, teach, but don’t preach

Jumping off of that pedestal and talking to them one-on-one in a way that isn’t judge-y can be quite therapeutic for them. Every now and then we need reminders as parents that our children aren’t little gremlins in a cuter package, and they need the same from us. It’s so easy to become desensitized to each other when you spend a lot of time together. If either of you needs a break to calm down, find your zen space, and then come back together to handle a problem— be able to honor that for each other.

Being able to communicate with your teenager enough for them to say: “I’m not in the right headspace to handle this right now, can we talk in thirty minutes?” would be a heavenly accomplishment for a parent. Aim for that! Establishing lines of communication where you both feel comfortable enough to voice your wants and needs is much more productive than that screaming match you keep having over and over.

Parallel Parenting versus Co-Parenting

Divorced parents face a unique challenge everyday. They have to find a way to be good parents, co-exist, but also move on into a different stage in their life. Because co-parenting after divorce is so difficult, people are trying to reinvent how to do it every day. The newest term we’ve stumbled across? Parallel parenting. Parallel parenting is a little bit different than co-parenting in how it’s done and how the communication takes place. So we’re going to explain it to you, and how it differs from co-parenting.

Parallel Parenting versus Co-Parenting
Co-parenting refers to…

Both parents taking equal responsibility, co-exist peacefully with each other in terms of their children, and communicate as long as necessary when it comes to the kids. Communication is the main key when it comes to co-parenting in a healthy way. But, co-parenting is tough. You have to actively engage with your former spouse. You have to be patient, courteous, and kind until your child reaches an age where they can stand alone.

So, what is parallel parenting?

It’s kind of similar, but not quite. Parallel parenting is a better fit to a set of parents that do not get along so well. This type of arrangement keeps direct contact to a minimum, and lets the parents disengage from each other. Parallel parenting is business-like, and written agreement based. Changes to the schedule are made in writing, personal conversation is off-limits, and the children are the messengers. In short, you are merely parents to the same child and share no acquaintance.

Is one better than the other?

Ultimately, there’s no right answer. If you can co-parent peacefully, I highly suggest it. It shows your child that even though you are separating, that you two can co-exist maturely as adults. It shows your children despite the divorce and your personal feelings, you can  be healthy partners in raising a child.

But, on the other hand, say in a situation where one has cheated on the other— a parallel agreement might be the only way, and that is completely understandable. While your children are a priority, so are your emotions. And no one will blame you for having to completely detach from that person in every way possible.

As we said, there’s no easy answer as every divorce and situation is different. You have to make a decision that honors the well-being of the child, as well as yourselves.

The Benefits of Being A Single Parent

When you hear from a single parent, you almost always hear about the tough stuff. From settling a new home, to having the weight of the family on your shoulders— sometimes it seems that single parenting is all work and no reward. But, that’s not true at all! While keeping your family together was always the plan, it didn’t quite go that way. But, now, you have a whole new chance to make the best of it and get closer to your kids. There are plenty of benefits to being a single parent, so we’re gonna help you look at the bright side.

The Benefits of Being a Single Parent: The Good Things No One Tells You About
You create your own rules without debate

While when it comes to co-parenting, some rules should remain uniform— you also have the luxury of creating your own regimens as well. From when electronics are allowed, to reading before bed every night— what you say, goes. No debate, no parental compromise. What you say, goes and there’s no going back and forth. This is a luxury most people overlook in spite of all the changes. But, come on, what parent has argued with the other over too much time spent in front of the TV?

Your relationship with your children has the opportunity to deepen and become more honest

The illusion of a perfect, idyllic family life has come and gone. But, that is not to say you can’t still be a fantastic single parent to your children. Your marriage is over, sure, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still teach your children a thing or two about it. Obviously before you discuss the separation or the emotions existing within it, you and your spouse should establish ground rules. From what to discuss, to no-fly zones, it is important to do this respectfully. But, you and your children have the opportunity to explore these feelings together and get closer in the process. What you’ve gone through together is unique, and your bond will grow if you can communicate with each other respectfully.

You finally get some of that beautiful, illusive alone time

The first few weekends will be tough, there’s no doubt about that. But, after you get through the growing pains— you’ll start to enjoy them a little bit. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about enjoying your time alone. Most parents would kill for it, and are probably talking down to you out of jealousy. Make the most of that time alone, in any way that you want to. Wanna spend an entire Saturday with chick flicks and a blanket on the couch? Go for it. This time is for you, and it is healing. Quite honestly, it might make you a more patient parent.

You’re a role model for independence

While you might feel as if you’re stumbling through this new stage in life— you’re doing a great job!! You’ve established a home, a regimen, and a way of life for yourself. You’re awesome, and you’re an awesome role model of what independence looks like. It is important to instill good values in your children, and one of the best ones is that of self-sufficiency. Teaching them to be strong on their own, to do for themselves, and provide for their own livelihood is the best lesson you could ever teach your children.

While you might harbor some guilt over the divorce they were involved in, you’re now showing them what it looks like to rise from the ashes on your own. Be proud of that, teach your children to be proud of that. You’re doing a good job, mom/dad.

Maintaining Uniform Rules in Co-parenting

Shuffling the children back and forth from Mom’s house to Dad’s house can be difficult. It’s easy to forget things, it’s hard to keep them in sync, and it’s extremely tough to maintain uniform rules within both households. You might not think that doing so is essential. But, keeping the rules in tune will make a huge difference in making sure that the home fronts are unified, and their isn’t the sordid competition of ‘Mom lets me do….’ or ‘Dad doesn’t make me…’. Creating a set of uniform rules that you each adhere to will make parenting easier and save you the competition.

Maintaining Uniform Rules: Co-parenting made simple

Now, obviously we know there will be some variability from one house to another— and there should be. Certain things such as what chores they have to do, and your own personal routines. But there are other things that should be maintained from one home to another.

Those things should include such rules as: what movies are allowed, curfew, bedtime, when the homework gets done— ultimately, the essentials and the regimen that needs to be maintained. The things that affect their lifestyle— such as homework and bedtime, should be no-debate areas in both homes.

Allow for each parent to parent in their own way while honoring your system

Maintaining those uniforms rules according to lifestyle are important, but so is having some variance. No parent is the same, and no parenting style is either. Keeping the after-school regimen the same, while also having your own hobbies and activities with your child, is extremely important to the relationship. Mom and child start each morning with waffles and the paper. Dad and child go play soccer every day after school.

Creating your little traditions that are unique to you and the child can be something that they look forward to. Something a bit different, so you have that variance from one home to the other. Your child should know that they can have fun with dad in one way, and with mom in the other. But, they should also know but that some things that are not up for change.

Honoring this agreement you both made is important to displaying unity early on in a divorce

Your child, or children, is the main priority when it comes to the relationship between you and the co-parent. While the two of you are no longer together as a couple, you are still a family when it comes to your children. Creating a stable environment for them as they adjust to the shuffling back and forth from one home to the other, is important to showing them that some things are unchanging.

Setting A Healthy Co-Parenting Schedule

As you navigate co-parenting and compromise, it is important that everyone gets their fair share of personal time, as well as time with their children. Aside from making sure the child gets to their activities, to school, and so on— there are other important aspects to make sure you satisfy. Creating a healthy co-parenting schedule, and doing it together, is a fantastic means of getting your feet wet with this new arrangement.

Setting a Healthy Co-Parenting Schedule

You can choose to do this before or after you set a custody agreement, depending on what your priority is. If it’s that of having a court-ordered schedule set before you take the time to organize, that’s fine. Or, you choose to make your schedule before taking it to court. This could also could potentially be very mutually beneficial. If you handle this schedule before deciding how custody should go, each parent might feel a bit better about their end of the deal. Shoot, you might not even end up needing to go before a judge straight away. But how should you go about deciding a schedule? Well, it all starts with cooperation and communication.

Make a list of engagements

From your schedule, the other parents schedule, and the kids. Anything that you know will happen on a consistent basis, plan for it. Divide up responsibilities in a way that allows both parents their personal time, and accommodates the child. The key here is respect. Give the other parent the same respect you are hoping for in honoring everyone’s needs. List it all out, divide it all up, decide where to compromise, and put it in writing.

The agreement must be mutually beneficial

If your agreement is not mutually beneficial, it will create trouble. Part of creating a healthy co-parenting schedule is hearing out the other parent and respecting what they need from this agreement as well. Honor their personal time, their engagements, and their hobbies— quite obviously, they should do the same for you. Dad has bowling league Tuesday nights and works late on Thursdays? See what you can do to accommodate that. Mom has book club Saturday morning and teaches a night class on Monday? Give her the same courtesy. If you can compromise with each other and respect what you each need as well as, doing this agreement together will be much easier and more amicable.

Decide Holidays. Now.

Holidays are always the tough part to handle. Everyone wants them, typically co-parents don’t want to do them together, and the first year is always the hardest. But, if you decide them ahead of time when you’re making this agreement, and when emotion is separated— it will be much easier to honor when the time comes. A good rule of them is if one parent gets Christmas Eve and Christmas, give the other parent Thanksgiving and alternate from there. Whatever works for your family, but deciding ahead of time and honoring it will make all the difference.

Respect the agreement you’ve made

When you finally reach a consensus and your agreement is complete and comprehensive, sign it. Print it, date it, and sign it together. Realize that compromises might have to be made. Dad might have to pick up on Mom’s day from time to time, and vice versa. Be flexible when need be, but have a healthy co-parenting schedule to fall back on when you need it. In the end, you’ll save a headache or ten by deciding what happens and when ahead of time.

Taking Your Time to Establish Custody Agreements

It is not uncommon for parents that are divorcing, to feel the need to establish custody agreements right away. Things are uncertain, life is changing, and to have this stable— seems pretty enticing. But, the problem with setting an agreement straight away is that you might end up leaving something out. Take your time to figure out what each parent, and the child needs. When you have the opportunity and the open line of communication, it is quite beneficial to do so. Let us explain why…

Taking your time to Establish Custody Agreements
Rushing often leads to mistakes

Think about it, you haven’t really had any time to figure out how you guys work as co-parents. Not taking the time to figure it out can cause a huge headache in the long run. Dad works late on Tuesdays now. But your hastily made agreement requires he pick up his daughter from Ballet on Tuesday evening. Mom has a business trip out of town every Thursday through Saturday. But she’s been granted three out of four weekends a month. So, you can see how quickly a custody agreement might be broken if you do not take consideration in crafting it.

Someone will inevitably get the short end of the stick

Making hasty decisions will always lead to something being forgotten, it’s inevitable. And when it comes to custody agreements, something left out typically means one parent has lost out. Whether it be one weekend too few for a parent, or a lack of weekends at all— not taking your time, seeing what works for each of you, and proceeding accordingly— can do more harm than good in many situations.

Rushing on one parents end could be an ulterior motive

Depending on how you and your former spouse coexist, there might be an ulterior motive in trying to push the proceedings along. It is not uncommon for parents to use their child as a bargaining chip. Especially when it comes to getting back at their former spouse. It’s sad, but it’s true. If you know your co-parent is not quite ‘happy’ with you and is looking for a way to spite you— rushing into a custody agreement is a good way to do it.

While it might seem like taking the time to establish custody agreements straight out of the gate can take a lot off of your plate, it can lead to trouble in the long run

If you are pursuing custody, then we already know that you have an interest in being a large part of your child’s life. So, why rush one of the largest decisions you’ll make during the divorce? Take the time to consider prior agreements, work arrangements, and how to create a schedule around custody agreements. Doing all of this before you take it to a judge will have you best prepared. If you and your co-parent can rally around this agreement, decide what works, and accommodate each person peacefully— you’ll be much better for it than you are if you rush in an attempt to slight the other person.

Choosing Adoption: Finding the Right Fit for Your Family

If you and your family are considering an adoption — there are plenty of questions to ask yourselves. From: are you ready? To, what age range and origin? And everything in between. There is a lot that goes into making the decision to adopt. And it is a fantastic choice to make, but there are a few trends to follow and a few to be weary of when you are making the decision as to how and when to adopt.

Adoption: Deciding if the Process is a Right Fit

There is a lot that goes into adoption, and a lot of factors to consider. For starters, is your family ready for this? An adoption is a heavy load to bear. Both financially and emotionally. Whether you are adopting a baby, a toddler, or an older child of the foster system— no two adoptions or circumstances are the same. There will be a period of adjustment, for both your current family and your new one.

Going into this expecting it to be easy, or a smooth transition is unrealistic. No matter the circumstance, you are taking on another child— and you are taking on one that is as unfamiliar to you as you are to them. The best piece of advice we can give is do not take this lightly, but do not let the hard work discourage you.

What is the child’s background?

Choosing to adopt a child out of the foster care system is a completely honorable choice. For starters, you’re choosing the children that often get left out or spend their life wrapped up in a system that doesn’t protect them. But that doesn’t mean that it will be all sunshine and rainbows from the start. You have to be prepared to help the child. From adjusting to a new home, to a stable environment, and to people who genuinely care about them.

Children of the foster care system often grow up being treated poorly, are sexually and physically assaulted, and have a particular kind of guard up.

Getting your adoptive child to open up, getting them to tell you what they need, and finding ways to establish a connection will be no easy task. It could take weeks, months, even years to get to a point where they are completely comfortable with you. Having the strength to be patient, give them space, and form trust will be harder for them. And you must understand that unless you are a former child of the foster care system yourself. There is no way for you to truly understand what they are going through. Therefore, you have to be willing to bend and help them in different ways than your other children.

Domestic versus international?

This is a question many run into when they begin to consider adoption. Whether they want to adopt a child out of an impoverished country or they want to adopt out of their own back yard— there are different factors that go into all of this. For starters, international adoption is expensive. You have multiple trips to consider. Not to mention, extended periods of time spent in a foreign country and away from work. This can add a lot of financial stress as you try to create a better life for a child outside of everything they’ve ever known.

Domestic adoptions are a bit more cut and dry. They’re more obtainable, cheaper, and you have a better chance of adopting a newborn baby if that is your goal. Other countries typically try to adopt babies into their own communities before seeking outside opportunities. Ultimately, there are a lot of factors to consider when you being to consider adoption.

If this is something you feel passionate about doing, don’t let anything stop you.

If you have the means and the willingness to make an adoption, you will be making a huge difference. There are so many children that the system leaves behind. If you can change just one of their lives— I guarantee that the community, and you both, will be better for it.

Child Custody Agreements: The Illusion Behind it All

When you and your spouse come to a custody agreement, chances are at least one of you is going to feel slighted. Some way, some how— one parent always feels that they are getting the short end of the stick. Whether you were seeking out primary custody, a birds nest agreement, or three weekends and you got two— there are a few things you need to remember about child custody agreements.

Child Custody Agreements: The Illusion Behind It All

Something you must try and remember is this: a custody agreement is merely that. It is an agreement set in place to honor the best interest of the child. You might feel like they did not make the best choice, and that is understandable. Right now you might be feeling as if you don’t have the ability to parent the way that you are meant to. You might feel left out when it comes to your child.

Custody is a formality

If you and your co-parent are in a good place when it comes to your child— there is no need to worry. This agreement is a set of guidelines. It is a how-to for parents that are navigating the in’s and out’s of co-parenting for the first time. That does not mean you cannot bend them a bit. It also doesn’t mean that you aren’t still a primary part of your child’s life. You still have the right to be part of daily decision. You are also still a factor when it comes to  discipline. In short, you are still the same parent you have always been.

You have the ability to pick and choose the best of both worlds

The best part is, you and your co-parent have the freedom to make a few more choices when it comes to things like: which parent lives in the best school district, which parent has the best karate studio close by, one parent lives closer to Tuesday swim practice? Perfect. Child custody agreements do not have to be totally bound unless one or both parents are strict about it. But, giving yourself the ability to play with it and accommodate both of you, and the child, a bit better is a great way to make the best of it.

Don’t stress over it

If both of you can be ‘lax about the plan, the benefits are endless. As we’ve said, pick and choose what works for both of you. If you treat this new arrangement as if you are a single parent and you try to carry too much of the load, stress. Treat the agreement as something you both can flex on. By doing so, you will help the child and each other to live an easier life. I can guarantee you, all three relationships will be better for it in the end.

Saving Mementos vs Starting Over After Divorce

When you and your spouse part ways, it is not uncommon to take all of your shared property and split it accordingly. One spouse will take the couch and the appliances, the other— the bedroom set and the rug, and so on. After you’ve divided your belongings, you’ll pack them up and take them to your new home. Sure, you’re closer to having a furnished home— but should you be saving mementos, or starting over when you’re trying to move on?

Starting Over vs Saving Mementos

Letting go can be therapeutic

Think about it— every time you walk into your new home, you’ll be reminded of your old one. The memories attached to a simple painting, or a bedroom set, are pretty visceral. And when you’re trying to move on and let go— these little things can set you back. Buying things for yourself, and replacing old memories, can be incredibly therapeutic. The thing you need right now is a fresh start for yourself. Choosing to purge these belongings, if you can help it financially, might be the way to go for letting go. 

If you can’t purge— paint

Take that coffee table, sand it down, and re-stain it. Take the dresser, and paint it a color you’ve always wanted to paint it. If you can’t afford to replace everything right now— make it new in a different way. Make it fun, make it yours. Finding small ways to attach new memories to these pieces can be helpful in moving on. The toughest part of moving on is detaching your emotions from those memories, so literally, and figuratively, paint over them with exciting and new ones. So, let your kids help! Make changes, and have a good time with it, make new memories.

On the other hand, those mementos might be beneficial to your kids

Your children are in a period of adjustment too. Everything they’ve known is being shaken up, and those familiar pieces might help them to feel comfortable during the time of change. So, even if you decide to make changes to yours— let them decide where they go from here with what they’ve got. Some children might find it fun to re-do everything, or paint what they have. Other children, might want these few things to remain the same. With either reaction, respect their choice.

Wanting to start over is a completely natural reaction

You’re starting over in an emotional sense. So, wanting to do the same in your life physically is a likely response. No one wants to look at a painting and remember the entire day they spent looking for it with their former spouse. Saving mementos saves the memories we associate them with. Maybe that’s helpful for you, and maybe it’s not. The key is doing what makes you most comfortable as you make changes in your life.

Finally, remember that there is no right way to do it. And there is no person who can tell you which route to take. Purge those things, keep them forever— do. what. you. need. to. do. to. heal. Make the best of this situation in whatever way you need to do so.