Category: family

Wanting Children: My Spouse Changed Their Mind

One of the central topics for most married couples, is when will you begin having kids? The general population just seems to assume that every couple will eventually procreate, and build a family of their own. Maybe this has always been something that’s very important to you, and you could never see yourself not becoming a mother/father. However, lately, your spouse has begun to shift their opinion on children. Suddenly, you’re feeling blindsided, and heartbroken, at the thought of not creating your own family. After all, you can compromise on a lot as a couple, but wanting children (and not wanting children) is a tough issue to make both parties happy on. So, what do you do? How do you address an issue that is so large, and overcome it together? 

Wanting Children: My Spouse Changed Their Mind

As we’ve mentioned briefly above, this is an issue that can be hard to find compromise on. After all, you’ve always pictured yourself with a family. Maybe two kids, three, four, or more. You’ve pictured family dinners, building traditions with your spouse and children… We often have large expectations for our future, and kids are a common goal for adults and married couples. So, when it seems like the tide has shifted, it can be a hard issue for couples to overcome. 

Childhood experiences often affect us in different ways 

As we get older, we begin to see our past in a different light. We understand things differently, feel experiences differently, and it helps us to make these big decisions. Maybe your spouse always considered having children, but over time— they considered a few different factors and put the idea to bed. Maybe finances aren’t what they had hoped, maybe illness runs in the family, or maybe they just don’t feel like they’ll ever be ready. No matter the reason, when one of you is wanting children— and the other has lost their desire, it can be hard to reach an end that everyone will be fully happy with.

Where do we go from here? 

When your spouse comes to you with the news that they no longer want children, your future may begin to feel a little lonely. After all, you had big plans, and likely were hoping to start reaching that future sometime soon. So, the first step is obviously to communicate with your spouse. Consider the fact that they did want kids sometime before, and now they don’t. 

Address their concerns, see if their holdup is an issue that you can tackle together, and express your feelings on the matter. You never know if they’re just doubting their abilities, their family line, or the relationship itself. By communicating over these issues, you can decide together whether or not you’ll be able to overcome this issue 

If you both are not willing to give… 

You know, and have always known, that you will be a mother/father someday. So when your spouse decides otherwise, and is firm in that decision, you have to make a choice… Ultimately, you have to decide what’s more important to you: creating a family, or your spouse. By addressing your concerns, and reaching a decision with your spouse, you will likely also come to a decision on your marriage as a whole. 

We wish you luck in this difficult time. Furthermore, we offer our condolences for the hardship, and extend our services if you find that you may need them. 

Avoid Messenger Madness: Keeping your Child out of the Middle 

When going through a divorce, it can be difficult to try and have those hard conversations, or even a normal one, with your to-be former spouse. For this reason, many divorcees will find themselves using their children as a means of passing along a message. It could be simple, or it could be malicious. No matter the reason, or the message, it’s important to understand that using your child as a messenger during divorce can be damaging in a number of ways. Therefore, it’s vital that you and your soon to-be ex (STBX) establish healthy lines of communication that don’t involve your children….

Avoid Messenger Madness: Keeping your Child out of the Middle 

The first thing we need to establish is that using your child as a messenger during divorce is inappropriate. As we’ve said, no matter the message, your child is not a party of this divorce. Your children are not meant to pick sides, be involved in nasty conversations, or aware of any wrongdoings. As parents, we want to make sure our children are receiving as little damage as possible in this difficult time. The conflict of a divorce is high, and difficult for everyone involved. Therefore, adding the unnecessary discomfort of delivering a message can cause issues for your child. 

Messages misconstrued 

I’m sure, at some point in your life, you’ve played the game ‘telephone’. You sit in a line, someone whispers a message down the line. By the time that message comes out the other side— it’s entirely different than what was said by the first person. Think of using your child as a messenger in a similar fashion. While their intentions are pure, and the message may be as well, it’s easy to lose track of a message from start to finish. These messages can cause conflict, missing deadlines, anger… 

Create a healthy space for exchanging messages 

Lastly, the best thing you can do with your STBX, is to create a method for passing messages along. Something different might work for you than for someone else. Maybe you’re okay with texting, emailing, Facebook messaging…. whatever your method may be— find a space that works for the two of you, and make that your primary source of communication. By finding a common space, you can pass along messages, appointments, documents… all forms of communication. By taking this route, you keep your kids out of it, and you keep yourselves organized. 

Being a Better Parent: Viewing Divorce as a Positive for Kids

No one plans to become a divorced parent when they starting having children. After all, most people decide to have children at a rather joyous point in their life or, even, at a time when they feel like their marriage needs a savior. However, after having your children, you and your spouse come to the decision that a divorce is what’s best for everyone. Inevitably, as a parent, you will begin to fear what divorce means for your children. You will likely automatically begin to think about the negatives when considering parenting with your spouse through, and after, a divorce. However, there are plenty of ways that divorce can make you a better parent …

Being a Better Parent: Viewing Divorce as a Positive for Kids

The idea that putting your children through a divorce can be good for them, might seem a little counterintuitive. While a divorce is never easy for anyone involved, the outcome can be if you go about it in a healthy way. Think about it: If you’re marriage is in the kind of shape that requires a divorce for you both to be happy, then your marriage isn’t really benefiting your children anyways. Therefore, a divorce might give you both the kind of freedom, and improved outlook, that you need to be a great parent. 

You can better align your values to your parenting style 

When you’re living in a marriage that is unhealthy, and considering divorce— you’re likely lying to your children in some regard. Or, you’re at least living in a way that is contrary to the morals you teach. We always tell our children to be truthful to the people they care about. But, when you’re considering a divorce, you often try to portray the normal, every day relationship you have with your spouse. While this is for your childrens’ sake, it’s also inauthentic. 

Your children get to understand you better as parents and people

When telling your children about your divorce, you have to get pretty honest, pretty quickly. There are some aspects of your divorce that will remain between spouses. However, there is also a lot of explaining that you’ll have to do when it comes to your kids. By sharing the divorce with them, and having an open discussion as a family, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of eachother, and the divorce itself. This part of the process can be particularly therapeutic, shocking, and difficult to make it through. However, it is necessary. 

You’re teaching your children how to be strong, to rebuild, and to make the best of a bad situation 

Your children will likely be upset for a while in one way or another. But, eventually they will come around and begin to better understand the world around them. A divorce is difficult. But, often, the year or two afterwards can be even more difficult. You’re reorienting your life, learning how to run a household by yourself, and becoming financially self-sufficient. Making this transition can be hard. Especially if you were the homemaker in your marriage. However, it’s a test of wills, strength, and courage that your children will be party to. 

Becoming a better parent post-divorce can have a different meaning than it does when you’re married. You have to do the tough stuff, be good cop and bad cop, and handle a difficult situation with grace. No one said you have it easy. But, you do have the most rewarding job in the world, and a new lease on life…