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Author: Robert Reeves

Getting Past the Seven-Year Itch

The “Seven Year Itch” is the idea that couples who are together for a long time eventually reach a rut in their marriage; typically around the seven-year mark. Psychologists debate over whether or not the phenomenon is real, but it is very common for couples to divorce around the seven-to-eight-year mark. If you’re feeling a little stagnant in your relationship, it might be time for a reality check. Remember that everybody goes through ups and downs. Try to carve out some quality time together to get to the bottom of your feelings. Be spontaneous and try something new with your spouse to liven things up. And finally, work on improving your communication by being a good listener and perhaps giving marriage counseling a try. Hopefully, you and your spouse can make it through the seven-year slump and continue with a strong marriage.

Getting Past the Seven-Year Itch: Strengthening Your Marriage

Reality Check

The seven-year itch may or may not be real, but the fact of the matter is that all relationships have their ups and downs. It’s perfectly normal to have times when you’re feeling restless and others when you’re passionate about your spouse. Try to remember that normally the doldrums don’t last. Additionally, remember to avoid comparing your marriage to others you see on social media. You probably aren’t seeing the whole story.

Quality Time

If you’re feeling the seven-year itch, it might be time to get back to basics with your relationship. Schedule a little quality time together and spend it focusing just on one another. Get a babysitter, take a day off work, or set aside your phone to avoid distractions. Spend the day talking and feeling relaxed with your spouse. It might just be that the stress of life and family obligations is making you forget how special they are.

Try Something New

It’s also helpful to be spontaneous and try something new with your partner if you’re experiencing the seven-year itch. Play hooky for a day and go on a mini-day trip together. Or sign up for a salsa dancing class. Get outside of your comfort zone and outside of the repetitiveness of everyday life. Being vulnerable together by trying something you’re both new at can break up some of the log jams.

Improve Communication

Finally, one surefire way to improve any relationship is to improve your communication skills. And the same is true if you’re going through the seven-year itch. Practice listening to your partner without distractions and with all of your attention. Ask insightful questions and show interest in their passions. Seeking out a marriage counselor to help you improve communication is also a great idea.

Relationships all have their ups and downs, and finding yourself in a marriage slump is not uncommon. Luckily though, this so-called seven-year itch typically doesn’t last forever. Often, couples feel like they’re in a rut because the responsibilities of work and childcare are leaving them exhausted at the end of the day with no time left over for their spouse. So go back to the basics and remind yourself that it’s perfectly normal. Spend some quality time together trying something new and getting out of your comfort zone. And work on your communication skills so you can connect more easily. Finally, remember that this too shall pass. Be patient with yourselves and remember that every marriage takes work. You can get over any hurdle together if you’re willing to put in the effort.

Where Should I Live Post-Divorce?

Figuring out where to live post-divorce can be a very stressful part of the overall divorce process. Some couples choose to have one person remain in the family home while the other moves out. If this is the case for you and your ex, think about finances when deciding where to move. It’s also important to consider whether you want to rent or buy and make sure that you don’t get yourself into a situation where you are spending beyond your means. For others, it makes more sense to try alternative custody arrangements like nesting or double nesting. It’s important to figure out what makes the most sense for you and your family. Hopefully, you can find a new place soon where you can begin fresh in your new post-divorce life.

Where Should I Live Post-Divorce? Figuring Things Out After the Divorce is Over

Consider Finances

If you are considering where to live post-divorce, finances are an important factor to consider. It’s best to take a look at your overall financial health after the divorce is final. Figure out a feasible budget and speak with a realtor and lender about your options. It might make sense to purchase a property that can build you equity. For others, it might make more sense to rent.

Don’t Stretch the Budget

It’s important to avoid becoming “house poor” when you are considering properties post-divorce. House poor is a term that means that you can afford your house, but it’s taking up all of your income. You might not default on your mortgage, however, you don’t have room left in your budget to do anything else. For example, travel, save, or purchase anything fun. When considering a property’s price, make sure that it fits easily into the budget rather than being a stretch.

Consider Location

Another big consideration when considering properties post-divorce is location. Especially if you share custody of your children. You’ll want to be close to them for purposes of custody hand-offs with your ex. It’s also helpful to be close to their school or extra-curricular activities. This way, you can cut down on travel time when doing custody switches with your ex.

Alternative Custody Arrangements

While many couples choose to have one parent stay in the family home and the other move out to a new property, others choose alternative custody arrangements. One of these is called nesting. If you choose to do nesting, you and your ex would switch off living in the home with the kids and living in a separate apartment. Another arrangement is called double nesting. This means that both ex’s live in the same home with the children, but each has their own space. Both of these arrangements require you to have a cooperative relationship with your ex.

Figuring out where to live post-divorce can be complicated, and a lot depends on your specific situation. If you and your ex get along very well, you might consider some custody arrangements where you share spaces like nesting or double nesting. If you’d rather have some separation you can go the more traditional route of finding a new house or apartment to rent. It’s important to consider your budget and make sure that you aren’t stretching yourself too thin financially with the cost of the home or rental price. Additionally, make sure that you are keeping in mind the location and proximity to your children if you share custody. Hopefully, you can find the perfect set-up for your family so that you can move on to the next stage of life.

When Emotional Abuse Becomes Physical

If you are in a relationship where emotional abuse becomes physical, it’s important to get the support you need to get out safely. Domestic violence can take many forms, but all abuse stems from a place of wanting to have power and control over a victim. While not all emotional abusers will become physical abusers, mistreatment of a partner does tend to escalate. It’s important to be able to recognize the signs of emotional abuse and to notice when things begin escalating into physical abuse. If you are in a relationship that involves domestic violence of any form, you need to leave safely. Make sure that you take steps to protect yourself and any children in the house, make a plan, and get the support you need to leave. After you are safely away, you can decide if you would like to take legal action against your abuser.

When Emotional Abuse Becomes Physical: Escalation

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can be difficult to spot in a relationship because the signs can be subtle. Oftentimes, people engaging in emotional abuse try to belittle their partners or make them question their reality. They might use threats, insults, yelling, or gaslighting as a tactic. Victims often begin to question their reality as well as their self-worth. This can make it harder for them to get out of the relationship.

Physical Abuse

Emotional abuse becomes physical as soon as a partner lays a hand on you. Physical abuse might include hitting, kicking, choking, or restraining. However, it can also be more subtle as well. Sleep deprivation, forcing you to consume alcohol or drugs, or preventing you from being able to seek medical help are also forms of physical abuse.

Noticing Escalation

It’s important to be able to notice when emotional abuse becomes physical and to know the signs of abuse to watch out for in the first place. Often, abusers will be overly controlling of their partners from the start of the relationship. They might show extreme jealousy, or be quick to anger. Finally, they might begin trying to isolate their victim from friends and family. Noticing any of these signs might mean that it’s time to take a closer look at your relationship and decide whether or not it’s crossing the line of abuse.

Getting Out Safely

If you find yourself in a relationship where emotional abuse becomes physical, or even in a relationship that has red flags of abuse, it’s time to leave. If you have children, it’s important to leave the abusive relationship before they are hurt. Make a plan to leave when your partner is away from the house. Contact a friend or family member that you trust to help you make a plan to get away safely. There are also local support systems in place that can help you if you are a victim of domestic violence of any form.

Domestic violence is a serious crime. And unfortunately, there is often an escalation where emotional abuse becomes physical. Abusers do not stop hurting their victims on their own. Instead, they often escalate to more and more violent forms of abuse. If you are experiencing emotional abuse, it could escalate into physical abuse against you or the children in your home. Therefore, if you notice any signs early on in your relationship, like a controlling partner or a partner that tries to isolate you from friends, leave. Domestic violence can be extremely dangerous and emotionally damaging for victims. And it can also be deadly. Getting the support you need to safely leave is the only way to protect yourself. Only then can you begin the process of healing and consider bringing legal action.

My Child Doesn’t Want Visitation with the Other Parent

If your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent, it can cause a lot of stress and pain for you and your ex. If the child is young, you can often encourage them to go and change their minds. However, an older teen is a much harder sell. Try to get to the bottom of why they don’t want to go see their other parent. Be encouraging and positive about your ex, even if it’s painful to do so. Follow the rules and don’t withhold visitation without reason or you’ll wind up in legal trouble. And finally, if there are safety concerns, know when to take action. Hopefully, your child is just going through a phase and will get used to their new custody arrangement quickly.

My Child Doesn’t Want Visitation with the Other Parent: What Can I Do?

Try to Find the Reason Why

If your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent, there could be many reasons. For younger children, it might just be fear of a new environment if your ex moved into a new home. Or if there is a new step-parent or siblings that they will be around, it can be overwhelming. Some children simply get along better with one parent over the other. Or resent being further from their friends or extra-curricular activities.

Encourage Them

If you suspect that your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent because of some of the above reasons, try to be encouraging to them. Explain how much their other parent loves spending time with them, and try to ease their concerns. Always speak positively about your ex, even if it’s difficult to do so. Trash-talking is never a good idea and can lead to anxiety and confusion in children.

Follow the Rules

Don’t take it upon yourself to change your custody arrangement if your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent. If you have a custody agreement, you’ll need to follow the agreed-upon terms. Otherwise, you could wind up in legal trouble. Even if your ex is late on child support, you still have to allow them their visitation rights as scheduled. Speak with your attorney about how to take steps to collect any child support, but don’t retaliate by withholding custody.

When to Take Action

Finally, if you have reason to believe that your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent because of real safety concerns, know when to get involved. If you suspect abuse or neglect, you need to take steps to protect your child. Speak to your attorney about taking out a restraining order on behalf of your child, and discuss what steps you can take to change your custody agreement.

If your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent, it’s usually because they are feeling anxious about change. They might feel more comfortable at your house, or it might be that their other parent has stricter rules. Try to encourage them to maintain a relationship with their other parent, and speak positively about your ex in front of them. In addition, try to make transitions as stress-free for children as possible. Follow the rules of your custody agreement, and don’t take it upon yourself to withhold visitation. Even if your ex is late on child support. However, if you suspect that visitation is putting your child in danger, speak to your attorney about how to protect them. You might need to take legal action against your ex, but keeping your child safe is the most important thing. Hopefully, there is no cause for concern, and you’ll be able to encourage your child to enjoy visitation with their other parent.

Finding Time for Self-care with Sole Custody

Finding time for self-care with sole custody can feel like an uphill battle, especially with younger children that rely on you for everything. With work, school, after-school obligations, and up-keeping a household, it can feel nearly impossible to find time for yourself. But your mental health is important, and you cannot be the parent you want to be if your tank is empty. So it’s important to try to squeeze in some ”me-time” even if time is short. Remember that it’s okay to say no to some things. You might also consider a swap with another parent for an afternoon or evening. Don’t be afraid to ask for support. And finally, when you find a slot in your schedule for self-care, hold it sacred and put it on your calendar. Hopefully, you can find some time to take care of your mental health.

Finding Time for Self-care with Sole Custody: Maintaining Your Mental Health

It’s Okay to Say No

Finding time for self-care with sole custody is easier if you remember that you can say no to some things. You don’t have to accept every invitation. Sports and activities are fun for young children, but they aren’t necessary. So don’t feel pressured to fill up every evening with activities. It’s also okay to not contribute to bake sales, PTA activities, being a room parent, or other obligations.

Consider a Swap

Another way to find time for self-care with sole custody is to consider swapping childcare with another parent. Perhaps you’re itching for a weekend away but you just don’t have a support system around. See if you can offer to take their children for a day or two in exchange for a getaway for yourself. You can also look into carpools, nanny shares, and other ways of combining with other parents to make childcare more affordable.

Ask for Support

Asking for support is another way to find time for self-care with sole custody. It’s okay to rely on the people around you and ask for their help from time to time. Don’t be afraid to reach out and request a little time for yourself. If you have the financial means, hire a babysitter a few times a month so that you can get an afternoon or evening away and do something for yourself that isn’t child-related or work-related.

Put It On Your Calendar

Finally, if you can find time for self-care with sole custody, hold that time sacred. If there’s a gap in your schedule, write in ”me time.” And take it! Don’t offer up that time slot if other things come up later. Hold that time sacred and give yourself the gift of honoring that promise to your mental health.

Finding time for self-care with sole custody is important for maintaining your overall happiness. You love your children, but sometimes you need some time away to be around other adults. It’s okay to need some space from time to time. If you have an extremely busy schedule, don’t be afraid to say no to requests for you to add more things to your plate. Ask a friend with similar-aged children if they’d like to swap some childcare now and then. Ask for help from friends or family, or hire a babysitter. And finally, put the time on your schedule. Even though your life is busy, try to find that space in your schedule so that you can maintain your mental health to be the best parent you can be.

Divvying Up Holidays with Shared Custody

Divvying up holidays with shared custody can be a source of a lot of frustration for many couples. However, as long as you begin planning things ahead of time, you can find a way to split things up so that it feels fair to everyone. Some couples choose to split the actual day of holidays while others choose to alternate different years with their children. And yet others decide to simply double up and celebrate with their kids whenever it’s convenient. The important thing is finding a solution that works for your family. Hopefully, you can all work together to make this holiday season the most memorable one yet.

Divvying Up Holidays with Shared Custody: Splitting Things Fairly

The Importance of Planning In Advance

Planning is the best way to begin divvying up holidays with shared custody. Don’t try to tackle this difficult negotiation when you’re already in the middle of a fight, or right before the holiday season. Instead, begin discussing things when you both are in a calm place. If certain holidays are important to your ex that you don’t care about and vice versa, make plans accordingly.

Sharing the Actual Day

When divvying up holidays with shared custody, some find it easiest to simply switch back and forth on the actual day of the holiday. For example, children might have a late Thanksgiving brunch at one house and then go to their other parents for Thanksgiving dinner. This is a solution that works well if you live close to each other.

Alternating Years

Other couples choose to alternate years when divvying up holidays with shared custody. This means that if you both want to spend Christmas with your children, that one year one parent gets to, and the next year you switch. If several holidays are important to both of you, you can split them evenly and then reverse them the next year.

Celebrating On Your Own Time

Finally, if you don’t want to worry about divvying up holidays with shared custody, you can always just celebrate on your own time. Children often don’t care about the calendar date that a holiday falls on. They’re more interested in traditions. So just move your holidays around so that they fit your schedule. For example, if you get your kids back on February 15 you can always still celebrate Valentine’s Day then.

Divvying up holidays with shared custody can create some frustration, but it doesn’t have to. Try to remember that holiday traditions are just as important to your ex as they are to you. You each want to spend special time with your children, so try to keep that in mind when discussing your plans. Figuring things out well in advance can save a lot of headaches and heartaches later on. Consider swapping custody on the day of the holiday so that kids get to spend part of the actual day with both of you. Or alternate years where you switch which parent gets the kids for bigger holidays. Or you might simply double up and let your children celebrate with both of you on your terms. The actual date of a holiday isn’t important, it’s the memories that your children will cherish.

Staying Neutral When Friends Divorce

Staying neutral when friends divorce can be tough, but if you’re friends with both husband and wife, it’s the only way to maintain your friendship with both. Try to set boundaries at the beginning about how involved you are comfortable being. Set expectations with them about wanting to stay neutral, and shut down trash-talking. Remember that you’re always getting one side of the story at a time, so take things with a grain of salt. And finally, remember to be a sounding board, but not a therapist. It’s not your job to fix their problems, but rather to be a support. Hopefully, they can have a reasonably amicable divorce and you’ll be able to maintain your friendship with both without having to pick sides.

Staying Neutral When Friends Divorce: Maintaining Friendships

Set Boundaries

When friends divorce, it can be helpful to set boundaries up front. Let them know that you want to be supportive, however, don’t let them take advantage of that. You cannot be fielding phone calls all day and night. It’s also important to remind them that you can’t be their mediator or go-between. That’s a job for a professional mediator or marriage counselor.

Set Expectations

It can be helpful to set expectations upfront when friends divorce. Let them know that you truly want to stay neutral and remain close to both of them. If that’s going to be a problem for either one, then you need to know at the start. Tell them you’re happy to be a sympathetic ear but that you don’t want to engage in trash-talking the ex.

A Grain of Salt

Try to remember to take everything with a grain of salt when friends divorce. While you might be hearing from both of them, you’re only ever getting one side at a time. Their version of the truth is always going to be different than their exes. Even if the facts are the same, each person might interpret things differently. So try to remember that no matter what you hear about either of your friends, it’s coming from a perspective that can’t be trusted.

Be A Sounding Board

Finally, when friends divorce, remember to be a sounding board and not a therapist. Let them tell you how they’re feeling, but try to avoid giving advice. You don’t want to look like you’re trying to affect how their divorce proceedings go. Instead, use neutral responses like ”I’m sorry you’re going through this.” Or ”that sounds like it would be really hard to deal with.” By staying neutral with your responses you can avoid seeming like you’re picking sides.

Staying neutral when friends divorce can often put you in a tricky position. But if you’re close with both parties, you’ll need to avoid giving advice or seeming like you’re picking sides. Set boundaries and expectations early on and let your friends know that it’s your goal to remain in both of their lives. Remember that you are a sounding board, and not a mediator or therapist. It’s not your job to try to fix their marital issues, and you’ll probably wind up regretting it if you try. Instead, try to keep your responses neutral and remember to take everything with a grain of salt. Hopefully, you can be a supportive friend without feeling the need to pick sides in their divorce.

Sleeping in Separate Rooms

Many couples find that sleeping in separate rooms, or “sleep divorce” is the secret to avoiding actual divorce. While some couples love being close together and snuggling all night, others struggle to find balance for their differing sleep habits. Not to mention the frustrations of dealing with a partner who snores or tosses in their sleep. There are many benefits to sleeping in different bedrooms that don’t spell the end of your marriage. It can strengthen it. You’ll both have more room, not to mention the ability to adjust your sleep settings. And you can sleep without interruptions from your partner. All of this can lead to an increase in intimacy. So before you judge a couple that sleeps in separate rooms, consider whether or not they’ve figured out the secret to a happier marriage.

Sleeping in Separate Rooms: The Secret to Marriage?

More Room

One of the many benefits of sleeping in separate rooms is that you each have more space to stretch out. While a king bed can feel quite large, when you split it between two people, each person gets roughly the same sleep area as a twin bed provides. If you are a sleeper that prefers to stretch out, sleeping alone will likely give you the best chance at a restful night.

Better Sleep

Another positive of sleeping in separate rooms is that you will be able to adjust things to your preference when it comes to rest. For example, you can keep the room as hot or cool as you like. And you can opt to have white noise or not. In addition, you can purchase a mattress that suits your body’s needs better. If you prefer a firm mattress, and your spouse needs a soft mattress, you can each get what you need to give yourself the best chance at sleep.

No Snoring

The most obvious positive of sleeping in separate rooms is the ability to avoid sleep interruptions from your spouse. The annoyance of struggling to sleep because of a partner’s snoring can end up affecting your overall relationship if it’s a regular occurrence. In addition, you no longer will have to fight for the blanket. Or deal with a partner that tosses and turns or talks in their sleep.

Intimacy

While there are many positives to sleeping in separate rooms, many couples fear that it will spell the end of their intimacy. However, it seems that the opposite might be true. Getting more rest can boost your libido and give you more energy for sex. In addition, you won’t be dealing with aggravations over snoring or cover-hogging night after night. Plus, it gives you a new setting for intimacy!

While some couples thrive on their snuggle time, others struggle to get restful sleep when sharing a bed. Sleeping in separate rooms might be the secret that can re-kindle some intimacy in your marriage. You’ll be able to stretch out more and create a sleeping environment that is perfect for your needs. And you won’t be woken up by snoring or kicking from your spouse. Getting plenty of rest, and avoiding these common marriage irritations can end up making you feel more romantic toward your partner. Who knew that having a “sleep divorce” could be the thing that makes your marriage even stronger?!

Re-Examining Child Support

Re-examining child support in North Carolina might seem easy at first glance, but it can be quite a complicated process. You have to file paperwork with the change and then have a judge sign off to adjust your payments. However, this is often easier said than done, so you’ll want to hire a family law attorney to help you. Child support is a part of your separation agreement, and you’ll need to show specific reasons for wanting to change it. There are some common reasons why parents might want to change their child support situation. However, often the parents cannot agree, so this is where the attorneys step in. Your lawyer will work on your behalf to get you the child support result that you want.

Re-Examining Child Support: Modifications

How Is Child Support Decided?

Child support is a part of your original separation agreement that you file when you are getting a divorce. When the court is calculating child support, they typically look at a few factors. For example, how many children you have, what the custody situation is, and the incomes of both parents. Then they’ll decide on a number that is fair for both parties.

Justification for Changes

Re-examining child support requires that one or more of the circumstances listed above significantly change. If your child support amount is part of your marital settlement agreement, the court can adjust it if it finds the amount is ”unreasonable.” However, if your child support is court-ordered, you’ll have to prove that there has been a substantial change in your circumstances.

Common Reasons for Changes

When re-examining child support, these ”substantial” changes might come from a few different scenarios. For example, if your child’s needs change and they require more money for medical care or school. Or if they begin receiving public assistance or the custody situation changes. If your income changes involuntarily, but your child’s monetary needs do not change, you might adjust child support. If you voluntarily reduce your income at the same time as your child’s needs also decreasing, it can also justify a support change.

Where to Start

There are many scenarios where re-examining child support might be necessary. However, it’s common for parents to disagree on the appropriate amount. Therefore, having an attorney by your side can be very helpful. They can help you prove that there’s a change in circumstances, help you justify the money you’re asking for, and help make sure that you win your case.

Re-examining child support is a simple matter of submitting a court order and having a judge sign off on it. However, in reality, getting both parties to agree to the change can be very difficult. And you must be able to prove that there is a reason for adjusting child support. There are several circumstances where this might come up, but often they involve big life changes like medical issues, relocation, or a change in jobs. No matter what, you’ll want to enlist the help of an experienced family law attorney. They can help you fight to have the child support changes that you deserve.

Creative Custody Arrangements

There are plenty of creative custody arrangements to explore if you and your ex-partner are having difficulty agreeing on a schedule. While many parents alternate weeks or use mid-week transfers, that doesn’t work for every family. It’s important to find the solution that works for your entire family so that you and your ex can co-parent successfully. Nesting and double-nesting are arrangements that are somewhat unusual but can work in some instances. You can also try different time blocks. Finally, some families decide to schedule around activities or even try to change up their work schedules to make custody changes easier. Finding your groove as co-parents will be easier if you have a custody arrangement that makes everybody happy.

Creative Custody Arrangements: Finding What Works for Your Family

Nesting

Nesting is one of the newer creative custody arrangements that is becoming more and more popular. When couples nest, they keep the children in the family home. The parents then rotate living in the family home with the kids and living on their own. This way, the children’s lives are less disrupted. However, it requires a lot of cooperation between co-parents.

Double-Nesting

Another creative custody arrangement that some couples choose is double-nesting. This is similar to nesting in that the children stay in the same home. However, in this situation, both parents remain in the home and live as roommates. Many have certain areas of the home that are theirs and then share a common space with the kids.

Two-Week or Creative Time Blocks

Creative custody arrangements can also involve switching up the time blocks. There’s no rule that you have to follow 24-hour schedules. Depending on your job, it might make more sense for one parent to take care of the children in the morning and switch with the other each afternoon. You can also stretch out the alternating weeks to alternating every two weeks or whatever works best.

Scheduling Around Activities or Work

Finally, another creative custody arrangement involves planning custody specifically around children’s activities. This is often helpful for families with older children that are spending more and more time in activities or sports. It might be easiest for one parent to have the children more during their sports season, and then swap after the season ends. Some parents also choose to arrange custody based on their work schedules or childcare needs.

Finding which creative custody arrangements work for your family can take a little trial and error. Just don’t feel like you have to follow traditional custody solutions if they don’t work with your family or schedule. Explore other options to find what works best for everybody. You can try nesting or double-nesting if you and your ex are on excellent terms. Or you can get creative with the time blocks of custody. And finally, some families choose to arrange custody based on their work schedules or kids’ activities. It’s important to find the fit that is right for your family so that this difficult time of transition is as easy as possible for everybody.