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Author: Robert Reeves

Introducing Your Children to a New Partner

Introducing your kids to a new partner can be quite tricky. Especially if this is the first serious partner since your divorce from their other parent. You’re left to figure out when to tell them, how to tell them, and cope with the reaction. Every child is different, and there’s no telling how they’ll take the news. But, if you’re serious about this person— it’s inevitable. So we’re going to help you navigate the process. The rules to follow, the steps to take, and common missteps made by the masses.

Introducing Your Children to a New Partner

First things first, discuss it with their other parent

It is important to make sure that before you even consider introducing your new partner to your kids— you make their other parent aware. You both, together, must pick a timeline to adhere to. It’s always a smart move to set a time limit on meeting the kids. Whether you and the other parent set that at four months, six months, or a year— you must honor this. If you’re considering breaking the rule, think about how you’d feel if the other parent did the same.

Tell your kids alone, then introduce the two of them

You don’t want to bombard your kids, and you don’t want them to feel threatened either. Introducing your kids to your new partner as you’re telling them you have one can be a bit overwhelming. You want to introduce the idea, let it simmer, then introduce the partner. Your children need to be reminded that this person is not a threat. While that might feel silly to you, and impossible—your child is going to have to adjust to the idea first. Honor that need.

When you introduce them, keep it light and natural

Introduce them, give them a little time to acquaint themselves, and be there if they need you. Every parents hope when introducing their children and a new partner is that they’ll quickly become friends. While it doesn’t always happen like that, try to facilitate that atmosphere. This starts with what we talked about before: telling your kids alone.

It’s pretty intimidating for a new partner to meet your kids, not just the other way around! Set them up for success by preparing them too. Keep it light, low-key, and don’t set expectations. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst— and understand that it might fall somewhere in between. We wish you luck!

Crafting a Foolproof Parenting Plan 

We’ve talked about healthy co-parenting schedules, but now we’re going to make a parenting plan. One of the hardest aspects of divorce when you have kids, is figuring out how to keep the parenting as smooth, and unchanging as possible. You’re probably a bit overwhelmed, wondering where to start. First things first, you need to figure out what to take into consideration when crafting a foolproof parenting plan. It’s a little more formal than a schedule, and something you should spend a lot of time on. So, we’re going to help you. From where to start, what to include, and how you should document it.

Crafting a Foolproof Parenting Plan

Start by making a list

Each parent should make their own, and then one for the kid too. For each parent, it should include days they want with the child, prior engagements, family birthdays, holidays— make the lists separately and then come together for the child’s schedule. It’s important to include everything. Bring your work calendar, your life calendar— bring it all. Make your respective lists, and then hash them out, and put it on paper. You’ll each have to compromise in some regard.

Put it all in writing once a year

You’ll need this to refer to. A schedule is only half of the parenting plan as well. A parenting plan includes things such as: bedtimes, friend time, extracurricular’s, a plan for birthdays and holidays… it goes on and on. Set the date that you’ll tackle this every year. Because, let’s face it, things change over the years— so plan on making amendments once a year. You can keep the same base plan, but it needs to be altered. Mom gets Christmas year one, Dad year two— birthdays are something you come together on, it goes something like this.

Plan for it to be unchanging, but allow for leeway

No one is perfect, and no agreement is perfect. Especially your first plan, so stand by your plan but also be open to the idea of small changes. Although, the key to crafting a foolproof parenting plan, is planning for those changes. Add in a section of ‘ in the event of:’ and include things such as impromptu days off of school, new activities picked up, mom or dad starts dating, and so on. B e as thorough as possible, consider extenuating circumstances— and plan for maybe’s.

Be thorough, sign it, and make three copies

Keep one at your house, one at the other parents, and one in a neutral location. Whether that be grandma’s house, a good friend— just someone you can trust to pass it along in case of emergency or disagreement. While this agreement might not be legally binding, you should both sign it and honor the agreement. This will make it harder to break, and it can be used for record further in the future if need be.

Ultimately, a good parenting plan will make all the difference when it comes down to it. Last minute decisions are typically emotional decisions, and that’s a recipe for disaster when it comes to custody. We wish you luck in drafting, and going forward with your agreement!

Making the Most of Your Custody Time

When you only get to keep your child for a short period of time out of the month— it can be tough to make the most of that time. You’ve been missing those sweet babies, and you probably just want to sit and stare at their sweet little faces. If you do? Go for it. But, they might get a bit bored. Making the most of custody time doesn’t have to be an intricate process where you squeeze out every little drop. It’s about being present, enjoying the moment, and making the time fun and memorable for you both.

Making the Most of Your Custody Time: Having Fun With Your Kids, While Avoiding the ‘Disneyland sentiment’
Anticipate that they’re coming and schedule around it

Life happens, and your work schedule might fall on those days. But, if you know this— make an effort with your former spouse to choose your custody time accordingly. Not everyone has an awesome boss, but if you do— see if you can work around the time you have your kid. Maybe you have to pull a few long days to get that week or weekend off. But, I guarantee you’ll be glad you did when those few days roll around and you have all the time in the world with your little munchkin.

Make a fun plan based around their interests

It doesn’t have to cost money! Maybe they love to play laser tag, so you spend one Saturday turning your house into a Nerf war arena. Or maybe they’re big on plays and Broadway— rent one of the (kid-friendly) classics and teach them a thing or two. No matter what it is, you can show that you’re engaging in their interests and having fun with them too.

Be in the moment AKA: ditch that cell phone

Nowadays, everyone is always nose-deep in their cell phone. But try to ditch it as much as possible when you have your kid(s). If you only get them on odd weekends or weeks, try to b e engaged. Your hilarious Facebook post can wait. Enjoy the time you’ve got. I guarantee you’ll be much more fulfilled by quality time spent than those two hours you let them play video games and you played Candy Crush.

But, Don’t Forget to Honor the Rules

They’ve got a bedtime? Honor it. They aren’t allowed to watch scary movies? Follow through on that. No parent wants that dreaded ‘Disneyland’ status. That begins when you ditch the rules just because you feel bad, or want them to like you more. You’re still their parent, and there are still rules when they’re with you. Honoring the normal routines will remind them that you are still in control, you are still their parent, and while we have fun— it’s not all about the fun.

Positive Lessons Children Learn From Witnessing Divorce

Divorce is a grueling process for everyone involved, especially children. It is not uncommon that parents will feel as if they’ve failed their children by putting them through these tough times. But, it’s not all that bad in the end. Children are resilient creatures, and they’re constantly absorbing the world around them. So, that means they’re learning from you. And we’re going to walk you through some of the positive lessons children learn from witnessing divorce. As we said, they’re constantly observing and learning. So let them learn from you, and the strength you have as you face one of the toughest times of your life. Mom/Dad— you’ve got this.

Positive Lessons Children Learn From Witnessing Divorce
No marriage, or person, is perfect— not even Mom and Dad

This is one of the most important positive lessons children learn from divorce. never expect perfection from anyone, because they aren’y capable of it. Especially when it comes to marriage. There will be tests, trials, and hard time— you guys didn’t make it. But that doesn’t mean the right marriage won’t. Being open with your children as they get older and explaining what went wrong can be therapeutic to them. Not to mention, helpful as they march into adult life and relationships. Of course, before you do this— you should discuss it with your former spouse. You guys didn’t get it right, but that doesn’t mean marriage is a failed institution.

Change is a part of life…

You can never expect there not to be a disruption in life. Take nothing for granted, and keep going. There will be missteps, there will be failures— but it is all part of life. While this time is tough, it will help them to become more adaptable and vocal in life. When your parents are separated, you more often have to voice what you need and how you feel. You are left to develop more critical thinking skills, and to ask for what you want. Introducing change, while this one is not ideal, helps your children to become more resilient and strong.

…and life goes on

As we said, your children become more adaptable. While life is different, it is not necessarily worse. There might be growing pains, and tough days, but once everyone figures themselves out— you’ll fall into a groove. It’s different, but that’s part of life. Time marches on and things change, but you learn to adjust and change with the times. Having adaptability and being flexible is a great trait to have in the workplace, in relationships, and in general.

It’s okay to be emotional and outspoken

Ask for what you want, explain how you feel— and don’t feel sorry for it. This is part of divorce. You’re choosing to speak up, make changes, and engage with your emotions. As we’ve said, divorce is an emotional process. You don’t have to hide this from your children. It’s okay if mom/dad is feeling sad today. Make your children understand that these emotions are human, and it’s okay to express them. You’re crafting more compassionate future adults who aren’t afraid to express how they feel. Too many people are afraid to do so— this is a great lesson. 

It’s okay to make a decision for yourself once in a while

This one will take some time and reflection a bit later in life, but when your children get to know you as adults and understand the divorce— they will come to understand that being a parent is, a lot of times, a selfless act. You spend years of your life catering to another human being and making the right decisions for them. Choosing divorce, and yourself, is not mean or terrible. It is a decision you have to make for yourself from time to time. It is, in a way, a selfish decision. But selfish is not always a bad thing. Selfish sometimes means you choose yourself and what you need over that of everyone else. You needed to be happier, healthier, and in control. Making that decision is courageous and bold.

Making Blended Families Blend: Creating Strong Familial Ties

Making your blended families blend at first can be tough. You and your new spouse each have children of your own, the ages vary, and trying to create that family atmosphere can be super tough at first. Blending families has its own set of challenges associated, so we’re here to help you find out what works. Start with shared interests and work your way down until your new family, is stronger than ever. It’s tougher than it sounds, but the reward in the end— is sweeter as can be.

Making Blended Families Blend: Creating Bonds

First things first, come up with a schedule

Sit everyone down, together, and come up with a schedule. John has basketball on Tuesdays. Anna has ballet on Thursday. Marco has math club after school on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Stepmom has book club on Saturday Morning. And Dad has bowling team on Friday night. Any and all commitments, go onto one calendar and in a central place. Encourage your children to know what’s going on in each other’s lives. The first step to making blended families blend is getting everyone well acquainted with each other.

When making that schedule, fit in family time

Everyone likes to think that family time will happen organically. But, with multiple kids, schedules, and age ranges— it’s not so easy. So, when you make your calendar, figure it in. Maybe Sunday mornings are reserved for family breakfast and board games. If you put the time into the schedule, and make sure everyone is clear on it— there’s no ‘oh I made plans with Becca’, or the like. You can skip that step ahead of time by putting it on the schedule.

Maintain uniform rules in the household

You have two sets of kids you’ve raised in two sets of ways. But, each parent having to adopt different parenting styles from one set of kids to the other can cause a multitude of problems. No new step parent wants to run into the ‘well dad gives me two hours of tv time’. It’s better to set ground rules for this new family. Remember, you are creating a new family when blending together. While the other ones are still intact, a new family comes with new rules. When you sit down to make a schedule, set the new ground rules too. Knocking this out in one fell swoop will reduce the headaches down to one night.

Find an activity everyone enjoys

That planned family time can be any time, and any activity. Find something everyone enjoys together, and make that the new tradition. You want this family time to be something everyone looks forward to and can use as a means of bonding and getting to know each other. Maybe one week you do paintball, the next you go hiking, and the week after that you go to the movies. Keep it exciting and have fun! The growing pains are tough from time to time, but in the end— it’s worth it

A Child’s Interest: Prioritization in SC Custody

When it comes to South Carolina custody law, the child’s interest in the agreement is a priority amongst the parents opinions. Inevitably, divorces implicates the children of the union. Often, child custody causes emotional tension and disagreements between parents, children, and even grandparents. Understandably, many spouses believe that they have a right to the child’s full custody. However, that is not the case in South Carolina. Courts create custody arrangements for the children. Children, like adults, have a say in where they live, and who takes care of what.

A Child’s Interest: A Priority In SC Custody Agreements

There are various forms of custody that a judge may order for the child. Joint custody, or shared custody, allows the parents to essentially split custody of the child. In contrast, primary custody gives one parent full custody rights, while the other parent is allowed the right to visit during scheduled times.

Finally, the court considers the child’s wishes. If a child is appropriately mature, as determined by the court, then they have a say in which parent receives what portion of custody. However, the court does not just follow what the child says. Rather, their opinion is taken into consideration with all other facts surrounding the divorce. A judge is still left to determine the best, and safest route for the child.

A Judge Has to Make The Difficult Decisions

Sometimes, the nature of child custody in a divorce leads to no solutions. The two spouses may not see eye-to-eye, and both are insistent on having it their way. If the parents cannot workout a custody agreement together, the court steps in to make an overruling decision for them. A judge takes everything into consideration. The parents income, negative parenting history, the child’s age, and preference are among some of the main deciding factors. One singular factor is usually not enough to make a decision. Rather, the judge weighs all factors together and comes up with a solution fair for all parties within the best interest of the child.

Child Custody is Never Black and White

These decisions are tough ones to make. They are difficult on the child, the parents, and on the judge who ultimately decides the fate of the child’s living conditions. A child’s interest, even if it is not part of the court proceedings, is an important thing for the parents to understand. There is no easy way to handle custody, but as long as you make the best decision for the child— you’re doing just fine. We wish you luck.

Mistakes Parents Make During Divorce

There’s no perfect how-to guide for parents after divorce. You’ll make mistakes, there will inevitably be tears and headaches— but you’ll be better for it all in the end. But, sometimes you just need a little help, everyone does. So, we’re here to help you decipher the mistakes parents make when going through the proceedings of a divorce. As we said, there will be mistakes— but maybe you can learn a little something from us.

Mistakes Parents Make During Divorce

Overcompensating

You feel bad, of course you do. A divorce is a pretty tough thing to put your kids through, but that doesn’t mean you should buy them a bunch of stuff. While you might think it helps to ease the pain, it only makes it more evident. Kids are quite receptive, and providing a momentary distraction from what is at hand will do just that. Divorce is already an expensive endeavor.

Ranting on Social Media

Going off about how terrible your former spouse is on social media as a means of venting and making them look bad can potentially come back and bite you during the proceedings. Anything and everything you do during the proceedings can have an effect on the outcome. Any time you are considering doing something while you’re on track for a divorce, ask yourself— would I want this dissected in front of a judge?

Using Children as Leverage

It is not uncommon that one parent will leave the home as you prepare to divorce. It is also not uncommon that the other parent will act as a gatekeeper towards the children. But the problem with this is that you do not have the right to keep children from their other parent. Barring a dangerous circumstance, both parents still have equal share of their children. Using the children to get what you want from the other parent, or as a means of retaliation— can come back to bite you during custody proceedings.

Not Admitting They Need Help

Going at the process of divorce on your own can be really tough. Every day is a battle, you’re feeling down, and we all need someone to turn to. If you don’t have a close friend you can turn to, seeking professional help isn’t a bad idea. No one should have to face this on their own, and sometimes having a source of sorting through your grief is just the right medicine.

Transition Day: Painless Custody Swaps

Transition day for child custody is always tough and a bit awkward, especially in the beginning. You don’t know what to say, there might be anger there, and you’re left trying to make the best of the trade-off for your children. Navigating that time spent is tough. And if you and your former spouse had a rockier-than-normal divorce— it can be downright disheartening. So we’re gonna help you navigate it from the do’s, to the don’ts. No one said you had to be good at this, but here’s to trying.

Transition Day: Making the Best of Your Custody Swap
The Do’s

Keep transition day low-key. Don’t make a huge deal out of the entire day, treat it just like any other! Create rituals around it. Maybe you always do breakfast with your child on the way to meet up, or you play road games. Create a tradition that makes you both look forward to that time instead of dreading it. It’s not uncommon that the custody swap-off is dreaded more by the parents than the child.

Put on a happy face. I know, I know. You don’t want to, but there comes a time when we all have to do things we don’t want to. Especially when you have kids. This time is about them, so make it painless. You don’t have to communicate again until the child returns, so do your best to manage this moment. Reward your own good behavior with a glass of wine or a nice, solid scream in the empty car afterwards. Ya done good, mom/dad.

The Don’ts

Don’t guilt trip your child. While you might not think you do it, the ‘mommy is going to miss you soooo much’ or the ‘call me every day’ puts a lot of pressure on the child. We know you’ll miss your child, but saying it over and over again can make them feel guilty about wanting to spend time with their other parent. This time is for them and their other parent, honor that just as you would want the other parent to. And enjoy your alone time!!! Most parents would kill for a quiet weekend, don’t feel bad for enjoying it.

Don’t interrupt the other parents time. Don’t call/text/email every day. As we’ve said, enjoy your time and let them enjoy theirs. Constantly reminding your child of you can make them feel bad, or ruin the quality of the time spent with the other parent. If there is an emergency, call the other parent. If the child wants to call and say goodnight, let them. But don’t put pressure on the situation.

Enjoy. Your. Time. 

Breaking Divorce News to the Grandkids

Gray divorce has become quite a trend in today’s society. Oftentimes, couples will choose to stay together for the kids, and then by the time they get around to divorcing each other— there are grandkids, retirement, and 401k’s to consider. Divorcing at a later age has plenty of additional challenges. But, one of the toughest ones— is divorcing grandparents.

No grandparent wants to see those sad eyes on their grandkids, but when it comes to finding your own happiness— sometimes it’s just essential. So, we’re going to help you navigate how to tell them about your divorce, what to say, and why you cannot feel bad for choosing to honor yourself after so many years.

When Grandparents Divorce: Telling the Grandkids
Start by telling your own children first

It is important that you do not blindside your own children with this at the same time as your grandchildren. While they are adults, it is possible that they’ve looked up to your marriage for some time. You might not expect an adverse reaction, but there is the possibility of one. Therefore, take the grandchildren out of the equation and let adult children digest it first. This will help you all go in as a united front when the time comes. In doing this, you honor your relationship with your children first. Not to mention, you make sure that their tears and reaction don’t cause a mass panic amongst the children.

Then, plan a dialogue with your children that will be most effective with the grandchildren

You know your grandkids. You know their trigger points, how they process emotion, and how to handle them. Make sure you honor that from child to child. Telling your grandchildren about a divorce can be just as traumatizing as telling them about a divorce amongst their own parents.

The same questions arise: “what did I do to cause this?” “Are mom and dad getting a divorce too?” “Do you not love each other anymore?” Kids sometimes ask the tough questions— those ones you might not want to answer. But, being open with them to the extent of answering their questions, but not going too far is important.

You want them to understand just as much as they understand. But you have to find a way to convey your message without being nasty to each other. This is why we suggest planning a dialogue with your own children first. There might be certain topics they want you to avoid, or address.

Know that everyone will be just fine

There is no doubt that there will be sadness, and maybe some tears. But, in the long run, no one will blame either of you for honoring your needs. You are the driving force for this family, the matriarch and patriarch, but that doesn’t mean you have to be completely selfless. You are grandparents, but that doesn’t make you not human. If a divorce is what you need, and you both have come to an agreement— all the nitty gritty stuff will be worth the end result. We wish you luck as you navigate these tricky times.

The Difficulties of Proving Adultery

Proving Adultery is Not New. The Concept Has Been Around a Long, Long Time

Adultery is a part of human history. It also has many meanings. South Carolina law has narrowed the definition slightly.

Early South Carolina cases such as Hull v. Hull define adultery as “illicit intercourse of two persons, one of whom, at least, is married.” However, the court of appeals has held that intercourse isn’t the final test for adultery. If the facts suggest adultery, sexual intimacy is enough. This includes both physical acts and the partners’ intent.

South Carolina’s Test to Prove Adultery

Therefore, South Carolina uses a two-pronged test to deal with alleged adultery. Courts sift through the facts and then decide if adultery occurred.

The first prong of the test is motive. Thus, one spouse must have had sexual desire for another person. Proving this is a tough task. However, modern technology makes the task much easier.  Emails, texts, and social media posts provide glimpses into the mind of the spouse. Social media especially plays a growing role as evidence of adultery. Because the evidence is available to everyone on the internet, social media posts are often seen and saved by other parties.

The second prong of the test is opportunity. To prove this, the accusing party must show that their spouse was spending time alone with their lover. Thus, one must prove that the couple had the chance to engage in a sexual act. The facts are very important for this prong. South Carolina courts require that proof be “sufficiently definite to establish the place and time.” One instance of hearsay simply isn’t enough.

Remember, in SC Family Law, you must meet these two prongs for adultery. A lawyer can look at your facts and decide how hard it will be proving adultery in your case.