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Starting the Adoption Process: Considerations

There are many things to consider and think about when starting the adoption process. If you can feel good with the answers to these considerations, you are on the right track. The decision to adopt can be very exciting and emotional, so it’s important to make sure it’s right for you.

Starting the Adoption Process: What to Consider

Public or Private Agency

First, when starting the adoption process, you will need to determine if you want to go with a public or private agency? Public child welfare agencies are run by the government. Each county has a department of social services who are responsible for kids who are in the foster system. These children may become eligible for adoption if they are not able to be reunited with their families. Since it is a government run program, the process can slow and there may be a lot of hoops to jump through. However, these adoptions are usually going to cost less that those with a private agency. 

On the other hand, private agencies are usually registered as non-profit organizations. These adoptions are usually more expensive. However, the applicant may have more control over the type of infant or child they adopt. With private agencies, the process can oftentimes be a bit smoother as well. 

Child Type

Another thing to consider when starting the adoption process is what type of child you want to adopt. Start thinking about what about what personalities and characteristics you would be best suited for parenting. Keep in mind that adopting a child is more for the child’s benefit instead of yours. Think about things such as if you would do well parenting a child with mental, physical or emotional challenges? What about a child who has a sibling? Do you have a preference of gender or age? These are all questions you will really need to think hard about and come up with honest answers. 

Patience

Some children, especially those who are ages 5 and up, can have a more difficult time trusting and bonding with new adults. You will have to be patient, as it may take the child a while to be unsure about your commitment to them as well as you in general. It may take them a while to show you love back. This is just another thing to consider when starting the adoption process. 

You will also have to be willing to go through many pre and post adoption placement counseling. Are you patient enough to cooperate with all of these parts of the process?

Resources

Raising a child requires a lot of resources. This includes financial resources such as money to buy clothes, food, toys, shelter and even saving for college. It also requires an abundance of love, time, energy and involvement. When starting the adoption process, you must ask yourself if you (and your partner, if you have one) are ready to give of these resources?

A strong family or community support is another important resource to have. Will your friends and family be supportive of your new family unit? Does your community have the appropriate resources (good schools, safe environment) for your new family?

Other Major Life Events

Have you had a major life event in the last year? These can include experiencing a death of someone close, separating from or losing a partner, moving far away, or any other big change. If you have had a major life event, wait a little bit, and then re-evaluate. Adoption is a major life event itself, so don’t couple it with another big life event. Let everything settle down before starting the adoption process.

Offering Divorce Support

You may be a pro at giving friends advice. For instance, movie suggestions, sports bets, haircut and wardrobe advice may all be a piece of cake. However, when it comes to offering divorce support? You might want to adjust your methods. It’s a difficult time for them and as uncomfortable as it may be, it’s important to offer divorce support. 

Tips for Offering Divorce Support

Don’t Interrogate

When offering divorce support to a friend, it’s important to avoid interrogating them. While you may want to ask questions and figure out where things went wrong, asking too many can become offensive. During a divorce, people will experience a lot of emotions and probably have a few questions of their own.

Answering questions they may not have the answer to is the last thing they want to do. In order to avoid this, they may begin to isolate themselves, which can be damaging. Therefore, it’s best to allow them to talk and give a listening ear. 

Don’t Judge

While they are going through this time, it’s important for your friend to know you aren’t judging. A divorce is a big decision and coming to that conclusion can be a difficult process. So, adding comments about why the marriage didn’t work or how they could have tried harder may just be a discouragement to your friend. Therefore, when you are trying to give divorce support, you want to avoid these types of statements and attitudes. 

Validate

Instead of questioning or judging your friend, it’s important to offer divorce support by validating them. This time can be confusing and your friend may have moments of questioning their own decisions. When this happens, you want to be there to offer validation. In some cases, it may be a good idea to give them details and remind them how they came to this decision. In addition, try to offer divorce support by validating their feelings. Remind them that their feelings are normal and understandable.
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In short, giving a friend divorce support can be hard. It’s a difficult time for them and while you want to help, it’s hard to gauge how. However, the most important thing you can do is to listen and be present.

The Weapon of the Emotional Abuser: Gaslighting

A phrase that has gained popularity in recent years is “Gaslighting.” Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse because it skews the balance of power in a relationship and makes the victim question their reality. There are many different ways that an abuser can gaslight their partner, and the effects can be huge. Often, victims have a hard time overcoming their emotional abuse, and it takes a long time to trust again. The best way to respond to gaslighting is to keep a record of everything so that you can view the events later with clear eyes. Gaslighting can have a huge impact on emotional and mental well-being, so it’s important to address it.

The Weapon of the Emotional Abuser: What is Gaslighting?

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a person makes the victim question their perception of reality. A victim of gaslighting will feel confused and question their own reality. They may also question their own feelings about events and wonder if they are over-reacting in situations. This can cause significant anxiety and eventually hurt a person’s mental health. The term comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light where a husband keeps dimming the gas-powered lights in a home and disagrees with his wife when she points it out. Gaslighting can make a victim unable to trust their own instincts and feelings. It is a classic weapon of emotional abusers.

Effects of Gaslighting?

The main effect of gaslighting is that the victim begins to mistrust their own feelings. They question their reality, and ultimately this gives the abuser more power. If a victim feels unable to trust their own instincts, they’re more likely to stay in a relationship with their emotional abuser. They’ll also be afraid to reach out to others for help because they wonder if they’re being too sensitive. If a victim doesn’t reach out to friends or family, then it’s less likely that somebody will spot the other red flags in their relationship.

How to Respond to Gaslighting

The first thing to do if you suspect your partner is gaslighting you is to keep a record of things. Start a journal or diary of your day to day conversations and when you feel like your feelings are being dismissed or questioned. Hopefully, you’ll be able to gain some perspective by viewing the conversations later on. Collect evidence that supports the version of events that you remember, even if your partner insists that you are incorrect. You can also speak with a friend or somebody you trust to see if they notice red flags. This is another way to collect evidence that you can refer back to later. It’s important to address gaslighting because it can have such a harmful effect on your mental health.

Gaslighting is a common form of emotional abuse. If your partner is gaslighting you, they may argue with your memory of events, or make you question your feelings. They may even make you feel guilty for questioning their motives. Eventually, all this confusion can deteriorate your self-confidence and hurt your mental health. The situation just helps your abusive partner gain more control over you. If you are a victim of this form of abuse, start keeping a record of events to refer to later. And reach out for help. You can always ask for help at the Domestic Violence Support Hotline.

Healing After Emotional Abuse: Focus on Yourself

If you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, you are probably feeling confused and hurt. Healing after emotional abuse requires you to focus on yourself. Keeping a journal can help you separate fact from fiction. Don’t engage with your abuser any longer. Asking for help from a friend or person you trust is important as well. And finally, take time for yourself and do something that makes you happy. Hopefully, you’ll be able to find your self-worth and move on to a happier relationship.

Healing After Emotional Abuse: Focus on Yourself and Move On

Journal

One of the main goals of emotional abusers is to try and distort your view of reality. Healing from emotional abuse requires you to sort out fact and fiction. It also means that you’ll need to gain some perspective on the situation. Write down your experiences in a journal or diary. Later, you can read the entries when you are doubting yourself. Hopefully seeing things written down can help you get some distance from the situation. Therefore, you’ll be able to see the whole situation more clearly.

Don’t Engage

Healing from emotional abuse is easier if you can sever ties completely with the person hurting you. However, if you are in a situation where you must see them, try not to engage. If they begin using hurtful language or trying to belittle you, stop them in their tracks. Simply say that if they say anything unkind, you’ll walk away. Then stick to your word. Don’t argue, just leave the situation.

Ask For Help

Ask for help if you are healing from emotional abuse. Go to a close friend or somebody that you trust. Explain the situation to them and ask for help. For example, if you need to coordinate things with your ex, they can help. You can also get help from a professional. Therapy can help you find your self-confidence again. It can also help you gain some perspective on the situation. Some therapists are offering virtual sessions.

Take Time for Yourself

The single most rewarding thing you can do for yourself when healing from emotional abuse is to take some “me” time. Find a hobby or new passion that makes you feel happy. Or explore a talent that makes you feel proud of yourself. Taking time for yourself doesn’t have to be expensive. For example, it might just mean a long bath. Or a few minutes of focused yoga. However you choose to do it, just take a few minutes to do something that makes you feel happy.

Emotional abuse can be very hard to overcome. This is because it distorts your perception of reality and can cause distress even years later. Healing from emotional abuse requires focus and self-reflection. Take time to journal your feelings and experience. Refuse to engage any longer with your abuser. Ask for help either from a friend or professional. And finally, take time to focus on yourself. Hopefully, you can use these suggestions to move forward with your life. That way, you’ll be able to move on to a relationship that lets you know your self-worth.

Steps to Becoming a Foster Parent


If you are becoming a foster parent, you’re making an amazing decision that will improve your life and the life of the child you foster. There are so many children needing supportive foster families out there. However, the process of fostering does require some up-front work. Fostering agencies have to make sure that the parents they place children with are able to give them proper care. This requires training on the part of the foster parents. In some states, a license is actually required. Next, you’ll have an in-home visit where the agency makes sure that you’re prepared for a child. And finally, you’ll have to pass a background check. After you’ve completed all of these steps, you’ll be ready to take in a foster child and begin a relationship that will change your life.

Steps to Becoming a Foster Parent: Getting Prepared

Training

The first step to becoming a foster parent is taking a training course. This will probably cover an overview of the child welfare system and how the process of fostering works. It will help families decide whether or not this is a course that is right for them. It will also provide you with some understanding of what types of behaviors you might experience from foster children as a result of them being in the welfare system. Many children have been through the trauma of one sort or another, and the training program can help you be better prepared to help them.

Licensing

In some states becoming a foster parent requires a specific license. For example, in North Carolina, parents must complete a 30-hour course and then apply for a fostering license. Fostering and adopting are two very different things, although sometimes people get them mixed up. In states where you have to get a license, you often need a separate license if you are applying to adopt a child.

In Home Visit

After you’ve completed your training, the next step to becoming a foster parent is the in-home visit. This is when somebody from a foster agency comes to your house to check out how you live. They’ll ask you tons of questions about your lifestyle. They’ll also make sure that you have the essentials for bringing home a child. If you’re fostering a baby, you’ll need to show that you have a crib and have babyproofed. They aren’t trying to find fault with your home, but instead just getting a feel for how you live your life.

Background Check

Finally, the last piece of the puzzle to becoming a foster parent is passing a background check. Foster agencies must make sure that the children they place with foster parents are in a safe environment. Once you choose a foster agency you’d like to work with, they’ll likely order the background check. All in all, a background check keeps the children safer.

Becoming a foster parent is an amazing life-changing decision to make. It’s one that will probably be very difficult but even more rewarding. However, there is prep work to do upfront. You’ll decide which agency you’d like to work with and then begin training. Next, if you live in a state where it’s necessary, you’ll need to apply for a license. You’ll have an agent come to your house for a home visit after that. And finally, you’ll need to pass a background check. Once you’ve completed all these steps, you’ll be ready to take in a foster child and start providing some much needed support to a child in need.

Kid-Related Mistakes: What To Avoid

Trying to navigate divorce and not make mistakes can feel like an uphill battle. However, one type of mistake you want to avoid are kid-related mistakes. After all, it’s important to do your best to protect your kids from the potentially troublesome impacts of divorce…

Kid-Related Mistakes: What To Avoid

Bad-mouthing the other parent

Divorce isn’t easy for any couple. Often times, it involves a lot of buildup which eventually boils over into a divorce. During this process, many negative emotions might come to the surface. When or if this happens, then you need to watch what you say, especially around your kids.

One of the biggest kid-related mistakes is bad-mouthing your ex in front of your kids. Your kids don’t understand what has happened which caused you to divorce. To them, you’re still just their parents. As a result, you need to think of their feelings at all times before you speak.

Drag TheM In The Middle

Another of the kid-related mistakes to avoid is getting your children involved in the divorce. A lot of parents try to use their kids to help them and their goals. For instance, they might use them as messengers, or try and make them “pick a side” between them or their ex.

Again, it’s important to realize that your kids don’t see divorce like you and your ex do. Using them in this way just confuses them and causes them a lot of unwarranted psychological stress. It’s much better for both them and yourself to keep them out of these kind of positions.

Trying to spoil them

Not all kid-related mistakes are about getting your kids involved in the divorce. In fact, some of them tend to occur when trying to keep them out of things. For example, some parents like to try and spoil their kids with gifts to try and keep them happy, or because they feel guilty for stressing them.

However, this doesn’t actually tackle the real problems your kids may be experiencing. Plus, you could accidentally be encouraging spoiled behavior in the future. A better alternative is to talk to them one-on-one about how they feel, and possibly have them talk to someone like a family therapist.

Teen Marriages: Why Marrying Young Can Be Challenging

Teen marriages are not very common, however they do still happen sometimes. Even if you are not in your teens marrying earlier in life can come with many challenges. Oftentimes, high school sweetheart couples or couples that married very young end up growing apart from one another. It’s also normal to have your values change during your young adult life, so your and your partner’s goals for the future might not align any longer. And of course, sometimes as people age, they desire to explore new relationships or have more freedom. If you are married young and are unhappy in your relationship, it might be time to consider a divorce. There is nothing wrong or stigmatizing with prioritizing your happiness. Even if the divorce process can be stressful and tiring, hopefully, you can move forward with the decision that is right for you.

Teen Marriages: Why Marrying Young Can Be Challenging and How to Start the Divorce Process

Normal to Grow Apart

Teen marriages can often lead to divorce fairly young as well. This is because you do a lot of growing and maturing in your early adult years. When teenagers marry while they are still young, they haven’t experienced much of the world yet. When they move on from high school and college, they might realize that their personalities have matured and changed a lot over the years. This can lead to disagreements and resentment eventually. Especially if you no longer share the same values.

Differing Goals

It’s also normal for teen marriages to end because the couples have different goals from one another.

People commonly change their career aspirations and plans for life as they get older. It’s unlikely that you want all the same things that you wanted when you were eighteen years old. So when you get married at that age, you might have had similar goals and paths in life. As you get older, it’s not uncommon for these goals to change and no longer align with one another.

Desire For Freedom

Finally, it’s also very common for people who married young to grow apart because of a desire for freedom and exploration. Your early adult years are a great time to date around and get to know different personality types. Dating different people can help you get an idea of what you ultimately need from a partner. If you are married young, you don’t get the chance to experience any other types of relationships. It’s normal to have some curiosity and feel as if you might have missed out on some important life experiences.

Starting the Divorce Conversation

Teen marriages come with their specific challenges. If you and your partner are growing apart and are no longer happy, it might be time to discuss divorce. There is nothing wrong with choosing to end a marriage if you know that you and your partner are not making each other as happy as you could be. Find a time to sit down with your spouse where you won’t be interrupted for a while. Have a plan for what you’d like to say, and give them plenty of time to react to the conversation. Hopefully, you both will be in agreement on what direction you need to go.

Teen marriages come with their unique difficulties. Even if you married early in your twenties, you might experience some ups and downs as you both continue to age and mature. It’s normal to have a lot of growth and changes during your young adult life. So marrying somebody when you’re eighteen or nineteen might mean that later on you realize that you’re no longer compatible. It’s normal to change your goals in life, your career path, and your priorities as you enter adulthood.

If you and your partner both go through changes, you might find that you are drifting apart. Or even that resentment is building up between you. You might also feel a desire to explore other relationships since you didn’t get the chance while you were younger. Starting the divorce conversation can be scary and painful, but it might be the best thing for you both. Filing for divorce can give you a fresh start and allow you to find somebody who will make you happier.

Divorcing Child: What to Do as a Parent

These days, Millennials are more patient about marriage than Baby Boomers, leading to marriages that last longer than they used too. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean divorce no longer happens. If you’re the parent of a divorcing child, you might be unsure of what you should be doing. Thankfully, you can find the right balance to help support your child during this difficult time…

Divorcing Child: What to Do as a Parent

Give yourself time to accept it 

Parents of a divorcing child also need time to process and accept the divorce. They may have formed their own connections with their child’s spouse, or are worried about their grandchildren’s feelings. Sometimes, they may feel like they should’ve done more to help things work out for their child. 

It’s important to be honest with yourself about the situation. If your child is able to forgive and move on, then so should you. Try not to hold onto bad feelings, especially if it was a mutual decision and they remain friends. Follow your child’s example and accept what has happened.

Be supportive

Your divorcing child is going to need support to get through this difficult time. Try and remain out of the legal aspects and keep a neutral stance. Offer financial help if you think it’s needed, but the biggest thing is being their for them emotionally. 

Your child might also need some extra help if they have children. It might be a good idea to offer to watch them for a few nights so they’re away from the divorce. Even the most mutual divorces can be stressful on children, so it helps for them to be at a place they know they’re welcomed. 

Respect boundaries

Your divorcing child will need support during this time. However, they’ll also need some time to themselves to process things on their own. It’s good to be respectful of that and not try to push past the boundaries. 

If your child comes back into your home after the divorce, don’t overstep the line into their independence. You can certainly offer to help with say child care and financials, but you shouldn’t make them dependent on you again. Moving on again is an important part of post-divorce life. 

Advanced Co-Parenting: Stepping Up Your Game and Collaboration 

Co-parenting can be made simple if both parents are being collaborative. However, as you, your former spouse, and your children grow as people and get older, you might find that the plan you’ve started with, needs a little bit of adjustment. Now that you’ve become pro’s at co-parenting, it’s time to kick it up a notch. We’ll call this time of reevaluation advanced co-parenting. After all, the things you’re dealing with now that you have older children, can be much more difficult, and require a more hands-on approach from both of you…

Advanced Co-Parenting: Stepping Up Your Game and Collaboration 

When you and your spouse divorced and made a plan for co-parenting, your children likely had a little bit less going on then than they do now. Especially if your children were toddlers, the introduction of new activities, commitments, and wants can being about necessary changes to how you and your former spouse are doing things… If you and your spouse were already successful at co-parenting before, making necessary changes doesn’t have to be a big production. Instead, it can be a natural progression. Not to mention, it should be easier to cooperate after years of doing the same song and dance.

Financial decisions will increase 

As your children get older, the financial requirements can become a bit more intense. For instance, buying a car, prom expenses, cell phones, college funds, interests, develop specific needs, and so forth. In short, when kids get older— the expenses can become tenfold. Therefore, making adjustments due to their needs, as well as current financials, is a pretty necessary step to helping both parents, and the child/children prosper. 

Relationship changes and growth 

As your children become young adults, they’ll start to make their own decisions. Those decisions might affect the current custody agreement that you’ve been following. Maybe your son has started playing football, and the games are every Friday night when they typically stay at Mom’s. On the flip side, maybe your daughter wants to spend Spring Break at the beach, instead of at Dad’s house. Letting your children make decisions, and also learn how to compromise, is a key part of becoming a successful adult. Tell your children to find ways to make up for their breaking a commitment. For example, since daughter wants to spend Spring Break at the beach with friends, offer Dad an extra week in the summer. 

Parenting will never be easy, or stay the same 

As your children grow, you can expect changes. Changes in opinion, habits, activities, interests, and preference. These things are to be expected, and it often means making adjustments and having conversations that you’d rather not have. However, after taking so much time as co-parents, these methods in advanced co-parenting should be a breeze…

Divorce Truths: What You Should Know

Divorce is a difficult situation to be in. After all, divorce isn’t something that couples imagine happening when they get married. However, if you do, there are some divorce truths you need to keep in mind. Doing so can help make the process a bit more manageable…

Divorce Truths: What You Should Know

It’s rarely one person’s fault

One common issue which pops up during divorce is the blame game. Each spouse likes to place the blame for the divorce solely on the shoulders of their ex. What this leads to is a lot of hostility and tension throughout the entire divorce, making things much more difficult.

However, one divorce truth you need to keep in mind is that divorce is rarely one person’s fault. Divorce can happen for many reasons. However, the majority of them are due to actions performed by both partners. If you can understand this truth, then you can better accept your divorce, and learn some lessons from it.

Divorce takes time

Another divorce truth to understand is just how long divorcing can take. For starters, there’s the actual process itself. You’ll have to get documents together, handle court dates and negotiations with your ex, and many other similar things. This will take some time to get through, even for the most amicable divorces.

Plus, with how important divorce is, you don’t want to just rush through it. Like anything in life, rushing through divorce increases the chances of you making mistakes. With how important these decisions are, the last thing you want to do is make a mistake which could’ve been avoided.

You need to take care of yourself

One divorce truth that people don’t remember enough is how necessary it is to take care of one’s self. Divorce can be a time of great stress in a person’s life. This stress, along with other divorce emotions like depression, can take a serious toll on your health.

As a result, it’s important to keep an eye on your well-being. Make sure you’re eating right and getting enough sleep each night. If you need some extra help, make sure to visit a doctor or even a therapist to help you get a handle on things.