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Category: family

Holiday Season Divorce: A Good Idea?

While the holidays are around the corner, you may have something more pressing on your mind: divorce. Even if you’ve been thinking it over for a while, is a holiday season divorce is a good idea? There’s a few things to consider which can help you make a decision…

Holiday Season Divorce: A Good Idea?

Consider the state of your marriage

When considering a holiday season divorce, you have to look at what your marriage is like now. If your marriage is so toxic that it makes you constantly miserable or unhappy, then it’s best to get things moving towards divorce now. This is especially true if things are abusive, and your well-being is at risk.

However, if things aren’t at those points, then you might want to wait until after the holidays. After all, the holidays tend to be a time where people spend a lot of money and do a lot of travel. That can make it hard to really get your divorce started properly, so it may be better to wait.

Will you regret the timing?

You also have to consider if you’ll regret the timing that comes with a holiday season divorce. After all, choosing to divorce will mean a total change to your holiday plans. Often times, you might end up finding yourself spending this time alone rather than with others like you’re used to.

This kind of change can make the holiday season especially hard. Throw in the demands of divorce, and it can really be difficult to handle. In fact, it could get to the point where the loneliness prompts you to try and go back to a relationship that isn’t good for you. Therefore, you need to make sure you’re ready for this kind of change.

Consider how it will impact others

Divorce is, of course, a very personal matter. However, a holiday season divorce does mean you have to consider the holiday plans of your family and friends. A divorce will put a damper on those plans, especially if you have kids. Divorcing during this time could seriously have a negative impact on them.

Home Buying Post-Divorce

Deciding to move after your divorce can be a hard decision to make. However, before you can do any moving, you’ll have to prepare for home buying post-divorce. Taking the time to prepare will help you get a house which will fit you best…

Home Buying Post-Divorce

Organize your finances

Before you can do any home buying post-divorce, you need to organize your finances. Divorce can take a bit of a toll on your financial situation. Not only will you have to worry about costs related to the divorce, but you might also have to adjust to a single-income household.

All of these changes mean that you need to be extra-organized before looking at any homes. Determine what your new budget is going to look like, and how a home might factor into that. Depending on your finances, it might be better to wait a bit to buy a new home.

Pick a good location

It’s also important to remember that home buying post-divorce shouldn’t be done on a whim. Buying a home is not just a big purchase, but it’s also an investment for your future. You need to make sure that your new home is in an area which will benefit you and your family going forward.

For instance, it’s good to see if you can get a home that is close to a new job. Also, if you have kids, you want to make sure the new home is close to some good schools. It’s always helpful to do some extra research and look at what the area around the potential new home is like.

Consider you needs

You’ll need to consider what exactly you need from a home when doing home buying post-divorce. If you have a lot of kids, then maybe you want a home that has enough rooms and space in the yard. However, if it’s just going to be you, you might want something a bit smaller, and in turn, a bit cheaper.

The key thing is you don’t want to get stuck with an expensive new home right after your divorce. Your finances are going to be at their most shaky during this time. Therefore, stick to what you need out of a home versus splurging on something expensive.

Divorce Therapy: How It May Help

Divorce is an extremely stressful event for both the people involved and their families. Due to this, it might not be a bad idea to consider divorce therapy. However, if you’ve never met with a therapist before, this can feel like a daunting task. Still, it might help you to know how exactly these professionals can help…

Divorce Therapy: How It May Help

Cope with emotions

Divorce is an emotional time, and sometimes those emotions can get overwhelming. This becomes very apparent if they’re negative emotions. Many times, these emotions can end up getting the better of people and negatively impact their divorce.

However, divorce therapy can help you cope with your emotions. A therapist can work with you to figure out where exactly these emotions are stemming from and what causes you to feel them. That way, you can work on strategies to keep the under control in a healthy and productive manner, and eventually work past them.

Help with the kids

Divorce therapy can also be helpful if you’re a parent. Divorce can have a pretty significant impact on your children. Due to this, many parents worry about what exactly they should or shouldn’t be doing, and what kinds of things they should look for in their children’s behavior.

A therapist can help you better understand what’s going through your kids’ heads. This is especially true if you meet up with a family therapist. These therapists help out all members of the family, and can have both you and your children work together to better understand how you each feel about what’s going on.

Build a plan for the future

One of the worst aspects of divorce is the uncertainty it brings. With the end of your marriage, the plans you used to have for the future are probably no longer possible. Many people get anxious when thinking about their new future, and are unsure of where exactly they should start to get things going again.

However, if you choose divorce therapy, then you can work with your therapist to build a new plan. The therapist can help you figure out what exactly you might be afraid of and how to get excited for the new opportunities in your life. That way, you can start to feel more confident about your life post-divorce.

Emotionally Distant Children

Divorce isn’t always easy, and sometimes it can get quite messy. However, no matter how messy it gets, you want to do your best to leave the kids out of it. If not, you could end up with emotionally distant children. This is something which both of you will want to try and prevent…

Emotionally Distant Children

Knowing the signs

The changes that cause emotionally distant children can happen very quickly. As a result, it’s important to know what signs to look for. Often times, the most obvious signs are in their behavior. Your kids might stop wanting to spend time with you, or even be around you. Sometimes, it can get to the point where they refuse to even talk to you.

There can be a number of reasons as to why this happens. It might be because they were too involved in the divorce. Or, it could be that they’re struggling to process what’s happened. Still, don’t lose faith. Just because your children have started to act this way doesn’t mean you can’t stop and correct the process.

Be there for them

One way to help emotionally distant children is by making sure they know you care for them. Once they begin acting distance, the worst thing to do is get frustrated at them. This will only cause the divide to worsen. Instead, it’s important that they see you still truly do care for them.

Do your best to let your children know you love them. Always try to tell them so and that’ll you’ll be there for them. Often times, your children just need to hear the positive reinforcement to understand that things will be okay. Soon after, they tend to start warming back up to their parents again.

Don’t make it a conflict

It’s important not to use emotionally distance children as a reason to fight with your ex. Many times, they are experiencing similar situations themselves. Making it into a point of conflict when can further strain your co-parenting plans.

Therefore, avoid talking ill about your ex to your children. Doing so would just be reinforcing their negative beliefs. Also, avoid trying to “one-up” your ex by buying fancy gifts for the kids. Material items can’t really solve these more emotional conflicts.

High Conflict Co-Parenting

Divorcing on bad terms with your ex often leads to high conflict co-parenting. This type of co-parenting ends up being bad for both you, your ex, and your children. Therefore, it helps to try and work together to find some common ground and improve your parenting styles…

High Conflict Co-Parenting

Develop a fair plan

Often times, high conflict co-parenting comes about when former partners can’t come up with a fair plan. Co-parenting is all about having some kind of plan of action. This plan tends to cover things like who gets the kids on what days and the shared standard ground rules. However, many times parents try and make unfair plans which benefit them at the cost of their ex.

As a result, it’s important to work together on a fair plan. This plan needs to be something which works well for the both of you. You might have to make some compromises, but that’s always a part of making agreements. In the end, good plans make your co-parenting experience go much more smoother.

Communicate well

Another important factor in co-parenting is communication. Co-parents have to be able to talk to one another about their children. For instance, they might need to coordinate plans, make sure their ex can still take the kids, or ask if their ex can watch them as a favor. Not having that good communication tends to cause high conflict co-parenting.

One way to improve your communication is by keeping it focused on the kids. If you and your ex find that you can’t talk normally about things, then keep your topics focused on the kids. That way, you avoid talking about subjects which might end up leading to arguments.

Focus on the shared goal

The thing with high conflict co-parenting is that most times, both parents don’t want to hurt their kids. Instead, they just want to raise them in what they view as the best way possible. Therefore, instead of using co-parenting as a source of arguments, use it as a means to come together on some common ground.

Try to keep this shared goal in mind next time things get tense. You and your ex can begin to see that you both want your kids to have a happy childhood, and a good future. Putting things back into perspective can help you both start to work on your disagreements.

Divorce Embarrassment

Divorce can cause a lot of different emotional reactions. One of these emotions which people tend to struggle with is divorce embarrassment. Whether it be over the divorce itself or people’s reactions to it, this embarrassment can really eat a person up inside. However, it’s also something which you don’t need to go through…

Divorce Embarrassment

Feeling like a failure

For many people, divorce embarrassment comes from feeling like a failure. After all, doesn’t divorce mean that your marriage has failed? However, it’s this specific distinction that you have to keep in mind. While your marriage hasn’t worked out, that doesn’t mean that your yourself have “failed” at life.

Your divorce doesn’t have to be the “defining” moment of your life. In fact, you have a lot more life ahead of you. Plus, you can now experience all these new things without an unhappy marriage holding you back. Your divorce was just one minor bump on the road.

Social implications

Divorce embarrassment can also stem from worries about how people will react to the news. Sooner or later, you’ll have to tell others you’re getting a divorce. Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone you know. But even telling your close friends or family can leave you feeling somewhat embarrassed.

However, you’d be surprised how many people these days are receptive and supportive of those they know who are divorcing. In fact, divorce is much more common these days than it used to be. Some people might react negatively, which is unfortunate. But just know these people are in the minority, and aren’t worth your time.

Setting a poor example

Divorce embarrassment doesn’t have to come from outside sources. In fact, you can get these feeling from within your own family, especially if you have kids. For some, this embarrassment comes from feeling like you’ve set a bad example for your kids about marriage.

Keep in mind that what you’re doing is actually setting a good example. You’re telling your kids that when they aren’t happy, they shouldn’t feel trapped in a bad situation. They may not understand it now, but down the line they’ll appreciate what you’ve done. Still, remember to always do your best to set that example daily.

Stepparent Boundaries

Adjusting to being a stepparent can be a pretty tricky task. There’s a lot of new things you’ll have to consider when adjusting to your new role. One of the hardest things you may struggle with are stepparent boundaries. As it turns out, there are a few lines which you may not want to cross…

Stepparent Boundaries

Replacing a parent

One of the major stepparent boundaries that you want to respect is your stepchildren’s other parent. Sometimes, new stepparents want to help their stepchildren adjust by being more of a “parent” rather than stepparent. This might include things such as wanting to be called mom or dad, or trying to encourage them to do things with you instead of their other parent.

However, it is very important to respect that boundary. Understand that you aren’t their biological parent, but that isn’t a bad thing. Stepparents have their own special roles that they fit in which your new stepchildren will learn to accept, and appreciate, in time. You can still be a great parent, even if they don’t call you “mom” or “dad”.

Giving out discipline

Another important stepparent boundary to respect is with regards to discipline. If you discipline your own children, you might figure that you can apply that to your stepchildren. However, doing so could severely hurt your new relationship with them, and potentially damage it permanently.

Your stepchildren are still trying to figure out who you are and if you can get along. If you begin to punish them, then their opinion on you will sour and things will just get worse. Instead, try to offer a shoulder of support, and leave discipline to your partner. Don’t forget the complex emotions they’re dealing with, and how that could be behind their actions.

Tangling with the ex

Stepparent boundaries aren’t just limited to your stepchildren. They also apply to your partner’s ex as well. As their new spouse, it can feel a bit tempting to support them when they talk to their ex. However, doing so could upset the balance that your partner and their ex have created in regards to their co-parenting. While you can offer advice to your spouse in private, don’t get engaged in their talks directly.

Changing Jobs Post-Divorce

Divorce tends to b a time of self-reflection for many people. This is especially true when it comes to working. Some might consider getting a new job, where as others might consider changing jobs post-divorce. If you find yourself thinking about the later, there’s a few things you should evaluate before making a decision…

Changing Jobs Post-Divorce

Your stress levels

Divorce, understandably, is a pretty stressful event. Therefore, it’s no surprise that you’re probably looking to rid your life of excess stress. One of the areas many people look at are their jobs. Depending on their answers, it can help them decide on changing jobs post-divorce.

Think about how you feel when you’re working. Do you hate it, and dread having to even think about going into your shifts? Or, do you find yourself feeling pretty at-ease most of the time? If your job environment is too stressful, then it might be time to consider a change.

Financial situation

On top of stress, divorce can also cause you to spend quite a bit of money. Even after it’s over, you might have to spend on things like finding and moving to a new place to live. Plus, spousal and child support payments can also seriously change up your financial situation, and make you think about changing jobs post-divorce.

If you find yourself worried about money, it helps to first make a budget based on how much you make now, and your new costs. Are there any areas you can cut back on spending on to make sure you have money for the necessitates? Depending on how this budget looks, it can help you determine if a change is a good idea.

Quality of life

Remember that there’s more to a job than just the pay. There’s also other factors you have to consider. These quality of life factors can be very important, especially if your old schedule has changed due to your divorce. For instance, if you find yourself with custody of your kids, then you’ll have to consider how to balance a job with these new demands.

How well your job fits these changes can help you determine if changing jobs post-divorce is a good idea. Consider things like your work schedule. Is it flexible with your needs? Does your job also let you handle things from home on some days? Jobs which do can be much more appealing and handy than those that don’t.

Changing Last Names: Marriage Questions

Soon, you’ll be married. This is such an exciting time for you and your partner! It’s also super stressful. There’s planning the wedding, the honeymoon and figuring out how to merge together your lives as well as other things. In addition to these, the topic of changing last names has come up lately. There are pros and cons for changing or not changing. If you’re thinking about this, it’s easier to decide when you have a better idea of outcomes.

Changing Last Names: Should You Do It?

The Hassle

You’ve had your last name your whole life; that much is obvious. However, that fact isn’t on your radar until you think you might change it. Even though your name might be a small blimp in everyday life, it’s a huge part of you. If you change it, major updates need to be made almost everywhere. Updates for your passport, licenses, bank and your job need to be made. If you’ve made a name for yourself at your job, this is a tougher pill to swallow. Changing your name can be hard because it’s a part of your brand. Nevertheless, keep this in mind when weighing your options for changing last names.

What Other People Think

Changing last names is such a common practice. It’s something that’s considered a done-deal once you become engaged. If you’re on the fence about changing last names, you may be concerned what other people will think of you.To tell you the truth, the only opinions that matter are the people who are close to you. Therefore, if this is a concern, talk to your partner, parents and in-laws. Tell them you haven’t decided on changing names and why.

Additionally, you may be concerned what your friends and coworkers think. They’ll have their thoughts and opinions on the matter. That’s alright! Let them have their opinions. If they’re close to you, they’ll understand your decision, whether you change your name or not.

Nothing Is Permanent

If push comes to shove and you’re still not sure, you don’t have to decide right away. Later, if you feel you’d prefer changing last names, do it! If later down the road, you’re happy you didn’t change your last name, that’s great! It’s all up to you and your partner. It may be easier when starting a family or it may not change a thing. It all depends on how you feel now and in the future. No matter what you decide, the option is always there.

Changing last names when you marry is often a no-brainer. However, if you’re taking a moment to weigh your options, there’s no shame in it. You should be certain of your choice when you make it final. After all, it’s a big decision that you should not take lightly. Discuss with your future spouse, come to a decision together, and consider your options. Also, remember that hyphenating is also an option!

Co-Parent Communication

After your divorce, you might wish to just step away from things involving your ex for a while. However, if you’re a parent, you’ll have to start co-parenting. One of the trickiest aspects of this new parenting style is co-parent communication. However, if you take some key steps, you can make this process a little less complicated…

Co-Parent Communication

Find the best way to keep in touch

The first part of co-parent communication involves figuring out how you can keep in touch. These days, we have many ways to constantly be in contact with others. However, you might not want to always be talking to your ex. Therefore, you’ll need to find a good balance to work out with your ex. 

For instance, maybe you’re fine with your ex keeping your number and calling or texting. However, maybe you only want them to call when it’s related to the kids. Or, maybe you want it to be strictly professional, and keep in only through e-mail. Whatever it might be that you chose, it’s important to stick to your boundaries to avoid conflicts. 

Minimize conflict

Conflict prevention is important for good co-parent communication. Despite how you might feel about your divorce, you and your ex are going to have to work together to still be parents. Arguing and fighting will only serve to hurt your kids in the long run, and no one wins when that happens. 

Therefore, it’s important to remember that you still each share that goal of wanting to properly raise your kids. You might not agree on everything, which is natural! However, instead of fighting over who is right, understand it’s okay if you guys do things a bit differently. As long as it isn’t hurting your kids, then it’s probably not worth fighting over.

Be respectful and direct

Depending on how your divorce went, you might have some pretty negative feelings about your ex. However, if you want good co-parent communication, you can’t let these feelings get the better of you. Instead, you’ll want to be respectful and take the high road, even if your ex doesn’t. 

Usually, if you’re respectful to your ex, they’ll be respectful to you in return. Still, if they aren’t, don’t stoop to their level. Ignore their insults, and tell them you’ll be willing to talk when they are willing to be polite.