Category: marriage

Classic Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Classic signs of a toxic relationship can indicate physical abuse or emotional abuse. There are many ways that a relationship can be toxic but there are red flags to look out for. First, any sort of physical abuse is a clear indicator that your partner is toxic. A controlling or isolating relationship is also a sign of abuse. Gaslighting is a clear signal and form of psychological abuse. And finally, verbal abuse is of course toxic as well. If you see any signs of these types of behavior, it might be time to really examine your relationship and see if it has a future.

Classic Signs of a Toxic Relationship: Am I In One?

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is the most obvious of the classic signs of a toxic relationship. Nobody, man or woman, should ever be violent with their partner. If your partner gets physical with you, it’s a dangerous warning sign. Physical abusers often follow their violence with apologies. However, the abuse is likely to continue. If your partner is abusive, contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline for help in getting out of the relationship safely.

Controlling/Isolating

Another of the classic signs of a toxic relationship is one that is very controlling. If you feel that your partner makes all of the decisions in your relationship, they might be too controlling. In addition, controlling partners often want to isolate their victims. For example, they may make their partners feel guilty for wanting alone time. Or for having close relationships with other friends and family. Look out if you feel that your personal relationships have really been declining because of a new partner. It could be because they are trying to control and isolate you.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is one of the lesser-known signs of a toxic relationship. However, it is a form of psychological abuse. This happens when your partner tries to make you believe something other than the truth. Or they may have you doubting your own feelings. A classic type of gaslighting is when somebody tries to make you feel overly emotional or crazy. They may make you question your actions, memories, or even your sanity.

Verbally Abusive

One final example of the classic signs of a toxic relationship is verbal abuse. Any partner that attacks you verbally does not deserve to be with you. Partners should not insult, belittle. or name call. In addition, if your partner frequently yells at you, this is a form of verbal abuse. Often, verbally abusive partners treat their victims very differently alone than they do when others are around. A verbally abusive relationship can have a lot of negative effects on your mental health, so it’s best to leave it as soon as possible.

Signs of a toxic relationship can be obvious but can also be subtle. In addition, there are many different types of toxic relationships. If your partner is physically abusive, you need to seek help immediately to get out of the relationship safely. If your partner is overly controlling or makes you feel isolated from friends and family, it can definitely be a red flag. In addition, a partner who gaslights you is showing signs of psychological abuse. And finally, name-calling and other forms of verbal abuse are dangerous to your mental well-being. If you see any of these signs in your partner, it might be time to take a closer look at your relationship. You deserve to be with a partner who respects you and wants to build you up. Not tear you down. If you need help leaving an abusive relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Recovering Financially from the Holidays

Recovering financially from the holidays can take some time. From gifts, to going out with friends, or hosting parties, the holidays can be extremely expensive. And even if you planned out a budget, it’s easy to go a little overboard. It’s helpful to look back at your overall spending to get an idea of how you need to adjust your budget for next year’s holidays. Create a budget based on the money you have coming in and going out each month and stick to it. Finally, fix unhealthy spending habits and start focusing on things like paying off debt and reining in spending. Hopefully, you can reset and start focusing on saving so that next year’s holidays don’t put such a large dent in your wallet.

Recovering Financially from the Holidays: Getting Back on Budget

Look at the Overall Spending

One thing that can be extremely helpful when recovering financially from the holidays is looking at your overall spending. Make a list of how much you spent on things like gifts, cooking, hosting any events, holiday activities, decorations, and traveling expenses. Getting organized and figuring out exactly how much you spent can help you with creating a more realistic budget for next year.

Make Changes for Next Year 

Recovering financially from the holidays also means making a plan to not take such a financial hit next year. Once you see how much you spent on everything this year, go ahead and make yourself a budget for next year. Take that number and divide it by however many months between now and when you need the money again (usually November so that you can begin purchasing gifts). That will give you an idea of how much you need to set aside each month so that you have all of the money already saved by the time the holidays roll around again. You can also divide it up by paychecks between now and then.

Create a Budget

Figuring out your finances in genera is easier if you have a budget. To create one, begin by taking a look at all of the money you make each month. This can include revenue from any side gigs, your job, stocks, or any other money you have coming in. Then, look at the amount of money you typically spend in a month. Look at things like rent, utilities, restaurants, groceries, hanging out with friends, and childcare fees. Don’t forget those pesky subscription services either. Then, create a budget so that each dollar you make is assigned a job, whether that’s paying for some of your expenses, paying off debt, or going to savings.

Fix Bad Habits

Finally, recovering financially from the holidays means fixing some of those bad habits that are too easy to fall into when you are on vacation-mode. For example, ordering takeout or heading to restaurants for most meals. Make a grocery list and try to fix meals at home as much as possible. Additionally, try to rein in spending on frivolous things that you don’t need. Consider selling items that you no longer use, and shop second-hand whenever possible. Cut out as many expenses as possible, and make sure to stay on-time with payments. 

As we move through December and into January, everybody needs help recovering financially from the holidays. If you’re feeling like there’s a big hole in your pocket from all of the recent spending, you aren’t alone. Getting back into a routine and focusing on healthy spending habits can help you recover some and build back your savings. First, organize yourself and take a look at your overall spending for the season. Then, take that number and divide by however many months until next holidays, and start setting aside a little money each month. That way, the holidays won’t be such a hit to your bank account. Create a budget based on your monthly income and expenses, and try to stick to it as much as you can. Finally, start focusing on healthy money habits like cutting out extraneous expenses, eating at home more, and cutting out any subscriptions you don’t use. Hopefully, by preparing a little for next year, you’ll avoid getting behind with money when the holidays roll around again.

Second Marriage: Tips For Success

Going into a second marriage after a divorce can be both exciting and scary. After all, with how many of these end in divorce, you don’t want a repeat of what happened last time. Therefore, there’s a few key things you’ll want to keep in mind…

Second Marriage: Tips For Success

Practice mutual respect

In a second marriage, it’s important that you and your partner respect each other. A lack of respect is a big reason why couples start to drift apart. If one spouse feels like the other doesn’t respect what they say or them in general, then it’ll quickly lead to tension.

Instead, both of you should be sure to respect what the other has to say. Encourage them to be honest and show them you appreciate them. A simple “thank you” will go a long way in making your partner feel like you respect them and value your marriage.

Create time for each other

It’s also important for those in a second marriage to spend time with one another. Now, there’s going to be times where you want to be alone or go be with friends. That’s totally normal, and an important part of a good relationship too. But, you also need to make time with your partner.

There’s a lot of ways you can spend this time together. For example, maybe you both like to spend time watching movies or T.V. at the end of the day. However, even simple things like going with them to the store can show them you enjoy being with them.

Talk about expectations

It’s a good idea in a second marriage to talk about expectations. Everyone has expectations, but sometimes, they can get out of hand. This is especially true after a divorce. You might not realize it, but your expectations could cause problems in the future.

If your expectations are too high, then you’ll constantly get disappointed when your spouse doesn’t reach them. To avoid this, talk to them about establishing realistic expectations. That way, you’ll both be on the same page about what your goals are for the marriage.

Normal Conflict in a Marriage

Many couples wonder what is considered normal conflict in a marriage. Of course, everybody has disagreements from time to time. But knowing how to resolve any sort of conflicts in a healthy and productive way that maintains mutual respect will prevent cracks from forming in your relationship. If your arguments tend to devolve into aggressive, disrespect, or otherwise toxic behaviors, it might be a red flag that your relationship could use some help. And if fighting is becoming the norm or is impacting your happiness or other relationships, it might be time to dig a little deeper. If you feel that you and your partner need some help when it comes to healthy conflict, speaking with a marriage counselor can be incredibly helpful. Even individual therapy can also provide some insights that can be helpful. Hopefully, you and your partner can get the support you need so that you can move towards more peaceful conflict resolution.

Normal Conflict in a Marriage: Looking Out for Toxic Behavior

Frequency

It’s normal to wonder about other people’s relationships, especially since we almost never get to look behind the closed doors of another couple. Normal conflict in a marriage is a healthy thing, and something that even the strongest marriages face. But arguments should not be your day-to-day relationship status. If it feels like you’re fighting more than you’re not, it might be time to get some help. It’s normal to have some disagreements, but they shouldn’t be impacting things like your overall happiness, your career, or other interpersonal relationships. 

Aggression

Another thing that is not a part of normal conflict in a marriage is aggression. And this doesn’t have to mean physical aggression. Using threats, withholding sex, screaming at one another, cursing – all of these can be part of a very toxic relationship dynamic. And of course, if a partner ever is physical, intimate partner violence is a very serious issue. If you are dealing with any kind of abuse, whether physical or emotional, seek out support. 

Keeping Respect

It’s important that even in the midst of conflict, that you and your partner always maintain mutual respect for one another. During a fight, this means keeping a neutral body position, keeping a normal tone of voice, using non-insulting language. It also means actively listening to your partner when they talk, instead of just waiting for them to finish so you can speak. Try to get into your spouse’s mind and think about their perspective on things. Even when you are in a conflict, you can still remain calm and collected.

Healthier Conflict

If you feel that you and your spouse are a bit outside the range of what’s considered normal conflict in a marriage, seek out some counseling. A marriage counselor can be hugely beneficial, as long as you both are contributing equal effort and being honest. They can help you get some perspective on arguments, or help you try to see one another’s point of view. Even individual therapy can be helpful as well if your partner is not willing to attend a couples session. If your spouse isn’t willing to work on the conflict issue, or continues to promise change that doesn’t happen, you might have to take a hard look at whether or not you want to continue in the marriage. 

Normal conflict in a marriage is a somewhat ambiguous phrase, and there’s really no one-size-fits-all way to measure what is or isn’t “normal.” However, you and your spouse know what the dynamic is of your relationship, and if things feel unhealthy, then there’s probably a reason. Conflict and disagreements are a normal part of any relationship, but if conflict is becoming the norm in your household, it might be time to really look into your relationship dynamic. Your conflicts should never involve aggression or physical abuse. Additionally, you and your partner should try to always maintain mutual respect for one another by avoiding things like screaming or name-calling. If you feel that your conflict isn’t very productive or healthy, or it’s causing issues outside of your marriage, seeking out a counselor could be very beneficial. Marriage counseling isn’t something just for couples in crisis. Even the healthiest marriages can benefit fro

Common Divorce Reasons

People divorce for a wide variety of reasons. However, some reasons tend to be more common than others. These common divorce reasons can be indicators of when things are going south. Knowing these signs can help you realize when you might need to change course, or if it’s best to call things off…

Common Divorce Reasons

Infidelity

Infidelity is one of the most common divorce reasons. Cheating and affairs tend to be a breaking point for a lot of marriages. For many couples, this represents a violation of trust between each partner. Once this trust is violated, it’s hard for couples to reconcile and come back together.

The reasons behind why partners cheat aren’t always so clear-cut. Sometimes, it’s due to underlying issues in the relationship, especially in regards to intimacy. Other times, it could be due to pent up frustrations, or just when a partner gives into temptation. Ultimately, it’s up to you to determine if you can work things out with your spouse, or if you want to split.

Poor communication

Communication troubles also are one of the common divorce reasons. Good communication is an important foundation for any marriage. Couples who are able to talk to one another in a healthy and productive manner tend to work out their issues both quickly, and in a way that leaves both sides happy.

However, couples with poor communication tend to struggle. They end up in constant arguments, which just get worse and worse over time. Eventually, this leads to both partners becoming fed up with each other, and many will opt for divorce to prevent things from getting even worse.

Abuse

Abuse is one of the most unfortunate common divorce reasons. Marriage, and life itself is difficult, and sadly some people take out their frustrations out on their spouses. In these situations, divorce is a means for someone to get away from their abuser.

Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. In fact, it can also be emotional, or a combination of each. Either way, any kind of abuse is something which shouldn’t be tolerated. Remember that a person’s own personal safety should take priority in any kind of relationship.

Prenup Agreements: The Benefits for You

Prenup agreements are becoming more common for married couples. These agreements can help you sort out property and financials going into the marriage. Additionally, they can also help make a divorce a much smoother process. Knowing the benefits of a prenup can help you determine if you should also have one for your marriage…

 Prenup Agreements: The Benefits for You

Separate assets 

Prenup agreements help you and your spouse sort out what assets belong to whom. This helps you to both know what assets you’re bringing into the marriage. This kind of information is especially helpful during a divorce. 

Asset division is a key aspect of divorce. However, this generally means you’ll have to fight in court to prove what assets are yours from before the divorce. A prenup will avoid this fight, as you’ll both already have all those assets listed. 

Splitting debt

Debt is also something which can get split during a divorce. However, prenup agreements can help specify what debt you and your spouse had before you were married. This will help limit your debt responsibility during a divorce, as well as save you time and money on the proceedings. 

Settlement negotiations

Prenup agreements are basically divorce settlement guidelines. They help you and your spouse define who gets what in the case of a divorce. Without an agreement, you’ll have to negotiate a settlement based on your state’s divorce laws. This can lead to a longer and more expensive divorce proceeding. 

On the other hand, a prenup already lays out who had what coming into the marriage. That makes it much easier to figure out what does need to be negotiated and what doesn’t. For example, that means you and your spouse can focus mainly on say co-parenting agreements rather than everything at once. A prenup is basically a way to “trim the fat” from your divorce and make it easier for everyone involved. 

How to Spot a One-Sided Marriage

If you are in a one-sided marriage or relationship of any kind, it can quickly become exhausting. In any relationship, both partners should be giving equal amounts of effort throughout their time together. Naturally, there will be times when outside distractions make it difficult to focus on your marriage. However, over time, you should both be contributing equally. If you don’t feel like this is the case, it can be a symptom of a deeper problem. It can happen gradually over time, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you are doomed as a couple. Through counseling and communication, you can rebuild your relationship and begin contributing equally again.

How to Spot a One-Sided Marriage and What to Do About It

How Does It Happen

A one-sided marriage simply means that one partner is putting in more effort than the other one. At the start of a relationship, both parties are often equally committed and interested in putting in the effort. However, over time, there can be a disconnect. It might feel like one person in the marriage is always the one planning dates, initiating intimacy, and working on improving the relationship.

Why It’s a Problem

Sometimes a one-sided marriage happens because of outside stressors taking the focus of one spouse away from their partner. Or because one person has never had a healthy example of marriage to model. But sometimes it happens because one spouse realizes that they have outgrown the marriage. Maintaining a one-sided relationship can be exhausting for the person who feels they are giving more effort. It can quickly build resentment.

Signs

The main sign of a one-sided marriage is if one partner feels they are always the one trying to work on the relationship or improve things. Another sign is if you begin to feel like an obligation, rather, a priority. Intimacy might fade away, or one partner might always have to be the one to initiate it. Finally, you might begin to feel like they don’t have any interest in your relationship issues, or refuse to acknowledge them at all.

What To Do

If you find yourself in a one-sided marriage, try to figure out exactly how you want to move forward. Speak to your spouse and see if they are willing to try marriage counseling or other techniques to improve your connection. Work on building up your communication with one another. If they don’t seem interested in putting in the work, then it might be time to explore other options. It’s not fair to stay in a marriage with somebody that doesn’t love you back.

Being in a one-sided marriage can be exhausting and can build a lot of resentment and self-doubt. If you feel like you are the only person making any effort in your relationship, it’s important to get to the bottom of exactly what’s going on. Try to figure out if this is a temporary phase of your marriage because your partner is dealing with stress or other issues. Or if it’s a long-term issue that you’ve been dealing with for years. You might feel like your spouse doesn’t care about your happiness, or doesn’t want to talk about your relationship at all. If this is the case, think deeply about how you want to proceed. Marriage counseling can be beneficial, but it still requires both you and your spouse to put in mental work. You deserve to be in a marriage with a partner that respects you and loves you enough to put in the effort.

How-to: Bring Up Divorce with Your Spouse

If you’ve tried everything and your marriage just isn’t working, you might be considering divorce. This is an impossible decision to make, but sometimes it’s the right thing for a couple. If you’re trying to bring up divorce with your spouse, prepare ahead of time. Choose the right time and setting to have a calm discussion. Be firm with your wants and needs. And finally, don’t discuss details, but instead, make a plan to get professional help. Although the process of divorce is difficult, it might mean that you and your ex are happier in the long run.

How-to: Bring up Divorce with Your Spouse: Set the Right Tone

Prepare Ahead of Time

If you want to bring up a divorce with your spouse, prepare ahead of time. Research the process of divorce in your area so you know what to expect. In some places, you’ll need to separate for a while before the divorce. Figure out how long the divorce can take, and make a plan for what you’d like to get out of it. If you have children, consider how you want their lives to look post-divorce. Try and pinpoint where your partner stands in your relationship. Do they think things are going well and will be blindsided by the conversation? Or are you both on the same page? Try to mentally prepare for their reaction.

Choose the Right Time and Place

Never bring up divorce with your spouse in the middle of an argument. Instead, pick a time when you’ll both be uninterrupted. Arrange for children to be with somebody else so they won’t be a distraction. Avoid bringing up divorce in already overly stressful situations. For example, after the death of a family member or a layoff. Make sure that you have plenty of time set aside. Your conversation could take hours, so make sure you can devote the proper focus to it.

Be Calm and Firm

When you bring up a divorce with your spouse, try to stay calm. If you approach them in anger, they’ll be more likely to respond in a negative way. However, if you bring it up in a calm manner, you will probably get further. Be firm with what you want out of the divorce and why you’re asking for it. That way they’ll know that you’re serious and not just bringing it up because you’re temporarily hurt or angry.

Don’t Discuss Details

There will be a myriad of details to sort out after you bring up a divorce with your spouse. However, try not to discuss minor decisions at this time. Don’t discuss dividing up property or belongings. And try not to discuss custody arrangements. You should have a professional assisting you with these discussions. Instead, decide on how to proceed in general terms. Figure out when you’ll reach out to a divorce attorney. Also, figure out what you’d like your timeline to be.

There are so many things to consider when trying to bring up a divorce with your spouse. Try and set the stage for a positive discussion by preparing ahead of time. Make sure you choose the right time and place and stay calm and firm so they know you’re serious. Finally, wait to figure out the details until you have proper help from a professional. Unfortunately, no matter how hard you might wish a marriage could work out, sometimes it just isn’t right. But moving forward with divorce means that you’re one step closer to being happier.

Healing After Abuse: Emotional or Physical

Healing after abuse, whether emotional or physical can be a long and difficult process. The most important step is recognizing abusive behavior in a relationship. It can be hard to recognize the damage that this type of trauma can cause. You’ll need to change negative thought patterns to more affirming ones. Making time for self-care is very important for healing. And finally, seeking help from a professional can be very helpful. Abuse can have many lingering effects, but healing from it can help you move on with your life and get to a place where you are much happier.

Healing After Abuse: Emotional or Physical

Recognize the Effects

Healing after abuse starts with realizing what some of the effects of abuse actually are. Physical abuse is often easier to recognize because it can leave bruises or scars. Often, time and medical care are what’s needed to heal physically. But emotional abuse damage can be harder to spot. It often can show up as anxiety, depression, and trouble sleeping. It can also lead to things like heavy drinking, drug abuse, or eating disorders. One final negative effect of emotional or physical abuse is feelings of low esteem or shame. Recognizing these symptoms of abuse can help you find ways to heal.

Change Negative Thoughts

One important aspect of healing after abuse is changing your mindset from a negative one to a more positive one. Often emotional abuse can leave victims with a lot of self-doubts. Your inner voice can become harsh and negative. Try and change this by actively giving yourself a positive affirmation. For example, you could say out loud “I am worthy” or “I love myself” repeatedly throughout the day. Or write it somewhere where you’ll see it as a bathroom mirror. Trying to change the negative attitude victims have towards themselves can be a great healing power.

Make Time for Self-Care

Self-care is extremely important for healing after abuse. Self-care can look different to different people. For example, it could look like buying yourself something special or treating yourself to a nice meal. But it could also look like hiring a babysitter for a night out with friends. Or making time for a yoga class or bubble bath. Even journaling can be a form of self-care because it gives you an outlet for your feelings.

Get Help

Finally, healing after abuse is often easiest when you seek help. You could confide in a close friend or member of your family if you feel comfortable. But it’s also helpful to seek the advice of a professional. A therapist is trained in helping people cope with things like relationship abuse and trauma. They will be able to give you advice on how to heal and move on with your life.

Healing after abuse can take a long time. Be patient with yourself and understand that everybody heals at a different pace. You could also have times where suddenly you are triggered after years of thinking that you had moved past the abuse. It’s perfectly fine to revisit these methods anytime you like. Recognize all the different ways that abuse can affect your life. Try to change negative thoughts to affirming ones. Make time for self-care and get help if you need it. Hopefully, you will be able to move on with your life and find a relationship that is much healthier.

Reasons Why Abuse Can Increase During the Holidays

Unfortunately, while the holidays are meant to be a magical time of year, abuse can increase during the holidays. There are many specific reasons for this, but the overarching reason is simply stress. The holidays are a time when everybody is a little more stressed than usual. And in volatile relationships, this can, unfortunately, lead to an increase in abuse. Abuse can be physical but it can also be financial, sexual, or emotional. The increase in alcohol during the holidays can also be a contributing factor. In addition, people are often under more pressure financially. And finally, family dynamics can add another layer of stress to any situation. If you are experiencing abuse in your relationship, reach out for support and get the help you need to get away safely.

Reasons Why Abuse Can Increase During the Holidays: The Stress of the Season

Stress

Stress is the main reason why abuse can increase during the holidays. The holidays are more stressful because there is increased pressure to partake in all sorts of holiday activities. You have the added work of finding presents for family members. In addition, kids are often home from school and over-excited. All of these things can increase stress levels. Often, when abusers are stressed, they are more likely to lash out. They can reach a breaking point and be unable to control themselves.

More Alcohol

Another reason why abuse can increase during the holidays is that there is more alcohol. Alcohol is a big part of why some people hurt their partners. During the holidays, there are a lot of parties and events where drinking is common. This can lead to more abuse if the drinker is a mean drunk. Or if they simply have lower restraint.

Financial Stress

Financial stress is another big part of why abuse can increase during the holidays. Money is one of the biggest stressors in a relationship. It can cause many fights as well. And these can, unfortunately, get out of hand quickly. Not to mention the issues that many people are facing this year because of the pandemic. There are a lot of people who are no longer working or taking large cutbacks on hours at work. This can increase financial stress to a very high degree.

Family Stress

Finally, family stress can also be a reason why abuse can increase during the holidays. If your partner doesn’t get along well with their family, you might not see them very often. However, you might have to during the holidays. Family can easily open up old wounds, bring back negative memories, and bring out the worst in people. Because of this, some partners lose their control and end up hurting their spouses.

Abuse can increase during the holidays for many reasons. However, they mostly boil down to stress. Anytime an abuser is at an increase in stress, there is an increase in the risk of abuse. They already likely have a personality where they feel out of control of their actions sometimes. Adding the stress of the holidays to this can make them snap even more quickly. In addition, there is often more drinking and alcohol involved around the holidays because of various events. And financial stress can also increase with the pressure of buying gifts. And finally, any situation can be made much more stressful if you add in family drama as well. If you are experiencing any sort of relationship abuse, reach out and get the help you need. There are many resources available, but you can also reach out to a friend to help you stay safe this holiday season.