How-to Spot a Cheating Spouse

You have an uneasy feeling in the back of your mind. You have picked up on things that have made you wonder and question “Are they cheating on me?” over and over again. You will wonder if you overanalyzing things or going crazy. Unfortunately, this feeling is more common than you think, and you may not be going crazy. Learn more about how you can possibly spot a cheating spouse.

How-to Spot a Cheating Spouse: Marital Affair

Being Secretive

One thing to watch out for is a spouse that is being very secretive with his or her phone or computer. A cheater will start to really guard their phone or computer, and clear their history frequently. They will likely be very jumpy and defensive when you ask about their phone of computer as well. You will notice they do not want to part with their phone or set it down. Also, they certainly will not let you look at their devices. Unless there is a chance they could be planning something like a surprise party for you, all of these actions could be seen as very suspicious.

Improved Appearance

Has your spouse never concerned themself with spending time grooming, then all of the sudden starts always looking put together out of no where? Are they suddenly going out for runs, when you could hardly get them to go for a walk with you before? They could be trying to look better for you, or they could be trying to look better for someone else. Be especially wary if they look the same at home, but suddenly start trying way harder for work or special events.

Of course, your spouse could have really just had a pivotal moment and really be trying to get in shape or taking care of themself. Perhaps they just had a health scare or have been feeling down about how they have let themself go. They maybe even are just trying for a big promotion at work. Know that just because they suddenly start caring does not automatically mean that you have an unhealthy marriage or that you have a cheating spouse.

Change in Intimacy

Has there been a sudden change or decrease the the frequency of intimacy you have with your spouse? It could be because they are being intimate with someone else. Alternatively, they could be wanting to be intimate with you more often out of guilt.


Another possible sign is that your spouse is unreachable for long periods of a time. Do you hear, “My phone died and I didn’t have a charger” on the regular? Or is there suddenly all kinds of areas of no service that have popped up all over your town? Be especially wary if they are unreachable on a business trip.

While these do not necessarily mean you have a cheating spouse, they should certainly raise red flags. Do not drive yourself crazy obsessing over it, but perhaps bring it up with your spouse or even hire a private investigator to clear your mind. If you do decide to ask or investigate, just be prepared for what you could find. Although you may be pleasantly surprised to learn there was nothing to be worried about at all.

Family Affair: Do I Tell the Kids They Cheated? 

If you, or your spouse, are having an affair — it’s important to decide who knows what when you address the issue. Most importantly, what (if anything) do your kids know about their parents’ extra-marital relations. This is ultimately up to the parent who did not cheat. But, making the call either way has a few implications. There is no simple answer to the question, and the best route for your family might not be the best route for another. No matter how you go about it, it’s important to take time with the decision.

Family Affair: Do I Tell the Kids They Cheated?

Ultimately, this decision should be made by the two of you together. You need to weigh the pro’s and cons of doing such. Many parents decide to withhold this information from their kids, especially if they are younger (particularly the 1-12 range). But, others will decide that transparency is more important than putting their children through the emotional pain.

Consider if your kids will even understand

Before deciding if it’s right to involve your children in this aspect of your marriage, you have to decide if they will even understand what this means. Telling an 8 year old “Mom/Dad had an affair”, will hold little to no weight, and likely will not affect them— because they won’t understand. But, telling a 14 year old the same thing, will be earth-shattering. Think about it. Your kids idolize you, whether they admit it or not. Therefore, telling them that their idol has made a maritally-fatal mistake can have some serious implications.

Decide where you go from here before deciding who to tell

Your marriage is your business— the two of you, exclusively. It is up to you to decide what aspects of your marriage become public— even to your children. Therefore, it’s important that you make a decision about your marriage before you open it up to other people. If you and your spouse are going to stay together and work it out, telling your kids is probably not a great idea.

You are ultimately deciding what kind of relationship your child will have with their Mom/Dad

Having an affair is a highly selfish decision to make. However, you have to decide what community you want it to affect. Is this a decision that should directly affect you and your spouse? Or should it affect you, your spouse, your children, and other parts of the family? This is a personal decision, and one you will have to make for yourself. But, before you do— we urge you to take time with your choice. We wish you the best of luck in dealing with this uniquely difficult time.