Author: Robert Reeves

How-to Heal From a Bad Relationship

Real life relationships are not like the ones in the movies. While sometimes they can feel close, they are not always blissful and perfect. Relationships require hard work, patience and love. Although most relationships have more positive moments than bad ones, some are really toxic. Where it’s a bad dating relationship or an unhealthy marriage, these are the kind of relationships that you do not need to stay in. Yet somehow, they can be the most difficult to get out of. At times, it may seem impossible to heal from a bad relationship, but know that with a little hard work and time, it can happen.

How-to Heal From a Bad Relationship: Recovering and Moving On

Grieve

First off, know that it is okay to be sad. Good relationship or bad relationship, you are still loosing something that was a part of you. Releasing those emotions will help you be able to start to heal from a bad relationship. Do not be ashamed to talk to someone about how you are feeling. Grieving is a healthy part of moving on to new, better things.

During this process, and likely later on too, you may start to question if you made the right decision. This is normal as well. Confront all of your doubt. Know that you ended the relationship for a reason. No matter what, do not reach back out to your ex, even though you may be tempted to. It will only cause you more pain, or even get you sucked back into the toxic relationship again. You deserve to be in a happy, healthy relationship.

Self Care

Do not beat yourself up for the choices you made or for getting into that relationship in the first place. Give yourself grace in order to heal from a bad relationship. Practice self-care and be kind to yourself. Know that this relationship does not define you. Spend time with friends and loved ones. This may mean having to reconnect with people that you have severed a relationship with, since unhealthy relationships can sometimes lead to broken bonds.

Remember the things you enjoyed before the relationship that you may have given up during the relationship. These could be great things to get back involved with. You may also decide to try something new. This could lead you to find something new and exciting that you enjoy, and take your mind off your bad relationship.

How-to Start to Heal From Verbal Abuse

While no relationship is perfect, there is a point where a relationship can turn abusive. Many people think of abuse as only being physical violence, but abuse can be verbal as well. Verbal abuse can be very painful and detrimental to the person experiencing it, and the relationship as a whole. It can be difficult to leave any relationship, even a bad one. Do not stay in an abusive relationship. While it may take a lot of time and support, you can start to heal from verbal abuse in a relationship. Know you can come out stronger, happier and healthier on the other side.

How-to Start to Heal From Verbal Abuse: Recovering from an Abusive Relationship

Cut Ties

The first step to start to heal from verbal abuse in a relationship is to cut ties with your ex. Some people think they need to stay in contact with their ex. You probably know that you should not contact them, yet for some reason you want to. This could be because you want to show your ex you are better off without them. It also may be because you feel you need to offer them forgiveness. However, in this situation, it is important to cut all contact with them. You do not want to fall back into the same bad relationship cycle again.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, it’s difficult to feel closure until you have cut all ties with your ex. Good steps to take are deleting their number from your phone and stop following them on social media. This will keep you from reaching out to them on a whim. If you do feel the desire to contact them, find ways to distract yourself. For example, go for a walk, call a friend, or do whatever you can to get your mind off of contacting them.

Process Your Emotions

Anything we go through something traumatic in our lives, we experience strong emotions. It is not surprising that starting to heal from verbal abuse can be an emotionally challenging process. You may feel low self-esteem, depression, anger or isolation. You may even miss your ex. Work through these emotions in a healthy way. Write in a journal, cry, scream, go for a run or find an activity that allows you to mentally and physically process your emotions.

Seek Support

When going through a tough time, it is important to have a good support network when. This could be a combination of friends, family, and a councilor. You will want to surround yourself with people you can talk to without fear of judgment. Oftentimes, people in abusive relationships isolate themselves from others. Reconnect with your friends and family to be surrounded by a loving support group. Additionally, find a therapist who specializes in domestic violence. They will be able to work through the recovery process and help you move forward with your new life as you heal from verbal abuse.

How-to: Update Your Estate Plan After Divorce

There are many things you will need to change and update if you get a divorce. For one, your will and estate plan will surely look different after a divorce. While there will be a lot of things on your plate, you will not want to forget to update some very important documents. These include your will, living trust, power of attorney documents, and your beneficiary designations. Learn how to update your estate plan after divorce.

How-to: Update Your Estate Plan After Divorce- Changes to Make

Will

If you want to update your will, the best way to do so is to make a new one and revoke your old one. You can revoke an old will by destroying it by means of shredding it or burning it. Another option would be to just make a new will and state in it that you are revoking your previous one. While divorce itself should divert any of your assets away from your ex, their portion will be given to another beneficiary. You should check into this, because the alternative beneficiary may not be who you want your assets to go to. The best thing to do is make a new, updated will based on your current wishes.

You can also state who you would like to take custody of your kids if both you and their other parent were to pass away. If you alone were to pass away, the other parent would likely get custody of your kids. If you want to contest this, you will need to indicate in your will the reasons that their other parent is not fit to raise them. This would at least be taken into consideration by a judge in the event of your death.

Living Trust

You should also update your trust as part of your estate planning after divorce… You will likely need to update some of the languages in your trust. Also, you will need to decide who you want each part of your trust to go to upon your death. Trust can cover things like bank accounts, IRAs, 401(k)s, 403(b)s, pensions, and more. By designating the trust to go to your minor children, you could prevent your ex from being able to control their assets.

Update Beneficiaries

It is likely that your ex is the beneficiary on most or all of your financial accounts. When you update your estate plan after divorce, you will want to consider changing this unless you still want your ex to get these accounts. If you have a new, updated trust, you can make the trust your beneficiary. This is especially helpful if your kids are minors. Otherwise, if you just directly put your minor children as a beneficiary, a court-appointed guardian will get it first. This court may choose your ex-spouse to be their guardian.

It is common for you to have to split your retirement accounts as part of a divorce. Usually, this is because they are marital property. Therefore, you may not be able to change who is the beneficiary on these accounts.

Open Marriage: Benefits and Risks

The topic of open marriage might make some people shrink in discomfort. However, the practice is not that uncommon. An open marriage can mean lots of different things, but often involves partners allowing their spouses to engage in intimacy outside the marriage. While it might seem unconventional, this type of relationship can be beneficial to some couples and strengthen their marriage. However, for others, it could be risky. The bottom line is that if you and your spouse are considering engaging in an open marriage, you have to have honest conversations and decide together if this is the right arrangement.

Open Marriage: Benefits and Risks and Deciding If It’s Right for You

What is It?

The ground rules for an open marriage can vary from couple to couple. However, typically it’s a consensual, non-monogamous relationship. This means that partners either practice swinging or polyamory. Swinging usually means that spouses can have sexual relationships with partners outside the relationship, but the spouse is still their primary paramour. A polyamorous relationship would entail longer-term relationships outside of the marriage.

Possible Benefits

Some couples choose to have an open marriage because they simply don’t believe in monogamy for their entire lives. Others choose it because one partner’s sex drive is substantially higher than the other. And some choose this arrangement because their spouse is uncomfortable with some of their sexual needs. Swinging allows a couple to have sexual freedom to explore with other partners without lying.

Possible Risks

While an open marriage might be a helpful arrangement for some, it’s not always a good idea. The biggest risk is if both partners are not fully comfortable with the situation. This is an arrangement that you both must fully believe in and be okay with. Of course, there is also the chance that jealousy can become an issue. And if you are having sex with multiple partners, there is a risk for sexually transmitted diseases as well.

The Bottom Line

The bottom line is that an open marriage is a private decision that you and your partner must make together. The only way that this type of arrangement can work is if you are both entirely honest with each other. If one partner is hesitant about the idea, it’s probably not a great choice for your relationship. However, if you are both on board and fully comfortable with the idea, it might bring you even closer as a couple.

Engaging in an open marriage might seem very unfamiliar, but it is not that uncommon. Many couples find that this type of marriage allows them to explore sexually without having to lie and sneak around behind their spouse’s back. This, in turn, can strengthen their marriage bond and make their relationship stronger than ever. However, there are some risks to entering into this type of arrangement. It can be uncomfortable for your friends or children if they find out about it, and there is the potential for issues related to jealousy. If you and your spouse are talking about trying an open marriage, make sure that you lay out specific ground rules and that you both are communicating every step of the way.

How-to: Cope with Divorce Emotion & Gain Support

Divorce can being up all kinds of emotions and negative feelings. You may feel like your world is spiring out of control. Not only is a relationship ending, there are many other legal hoops to jump through. Between deciding where to live, who gets custody over the kids, and how to divide assets, there is a lot to work through. While it may seem overwhelming now, know there are ways to cope with divorce.

How-to Cope with Divorce: Steps to Take

Emotions

Divorce can bring up many painful emotions. For example, you may feel emotions such as grief, anger, depression, fear and frustration. The sadness and grief may set in at the realization of the loss or end of a relationship. The fear could be from the thought that you may be alone for a while. Anger could come from the hurt that you have experienced during the marriage and divorce process. Depression could come from the overwhelming fear that you will not be able to cope with all of these emotions.

In order to cope with divorce and these emotions, you must first let yourself go through this grief process. You will not be able to cure these feelings, but you can learn healthy ways to handle them. Once you have let yourself grieve, you will be able to start the process to move on with your new life.

Reach Out For Support

Do not be afraid to reach out to others for support. Many other people have been down the same road as you, and can be a good companion on this journey. Even if they have not experienced the same things that you have, friends and family who care about you will be there to support you too. If your circle got torn apart by the divorce, make an effort to meet new people. Join a club, start a new hobby, volunteer, or get involved in a place of worship or in the community.

If you need to talk to someone outside of your circle, reach out to a professional who can help. A councilor or support group can be a great place to open up without feeling judged by those you know. Talking through your feelings and emotions, and having someone there to listen is all a part of learning to cope with divorce.

Self-Care

Do not forget to take care of yourself through this process. Everything can feel so overwhelming that you forget to focus on yourself too. Make sure to exercise, which will help your physical and mental wellbeing. Pay attention to what your body is telling you it needs. That may be sleep, or that may be learning to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty about it.

Take time each day to nurture yourself. That may look different for each person, but could include doing yoga, going for a walk, reading a book, or spending time with friends. By making sure that you are mentally and physically rested and fit, you will be more able to take on having to cope with divorce.

How-to Navigate Religious Guilt During Divorce

Many religions do not condone divorce. They have built a negative stigma around it. This is actually a reason that some people stay in unhealthy marriages far longer than they should, or for their whole life. They may be worried about the stigma and associated shame and guilt that comes with divorce due to their religious beliefs. If you are in an unhealthy marriage that is beyond repair, do not let religious shaming keep you from getting a divorce. Learn more about how to navigate religious guilt during divorce.

How-to Navigate Religious Guilt During Divorce: Freeing Yourself From Shame

Stigma

Over the course of history, religious groups have looked down on divorce. There can be a lot of religious guilt during divorce, and a stigma that follows you after divorce. Some religious groups do not permit their members to get divorced, while others shun divorcees. Oftentimes, churches name divorce as a sin that should not be committed. ‘Marriage is a lifelong commitment’ is a common thing to hear. It is not uncommon to hear that God hates divorce. All of this leads to people staying in marriages that they should not stay in. It also makes people feel like they are a failure if they do get divorced. However, many times divorce can stem from circumstances that you are not in control of.

Forgive Yourself

If you are concerned about religious guilt during divorce, take time to work through forgiving yourself first. You can spend time praying and talk to God about your situation. Express your grief, sadness, and frustration. Religion always preaches forgiveness, so know that God will forgive you and that you should also forgive yourself. It may take you a while to get to the point where you can forgive yourself. In addition, you can talk to a councilor or someone objective to work through your struggles. Know that this one thing does not define who you are as a person. You are not a bad person for wanting a divorce.

Support Group

Divorce can be a difficult and emotional process to go through. It really helps to have people you can trust and lean on for support. If your church or religion will not stand behind you through your divorce, find a support group who will. There will always be people who can understand, relate and emphasize with your divorce. You will need people to lean on during the really emotional and challenging times. Also, just because your church frowns upon divorce, there are bound to be some people within the church that will be there to support you. They will be able to see your struggle from both sides, just as you do. Another option would be to look for another, more inclusive church. There are many churches that will accept you for you, and does not define you by your marital history.

How-to: Have a Healthy Divorce

Want to learn more about how to have a healthy divorce? Check out this video to learn more!

When people think of divorce, they mainly think of negative things. Yelling, fighting, and crying, are some emotions that may come to mind. But do all divorces have to end this way? The answer is ‘No’. Believe it or not, not all divorces have to be bitter messes. Learn more about how to have a healthy divorce.

How-to Have a Healthy Divorce: Changing Your Mindset

Remove the Negative Emotions

You meet someone, you fall in love, and then you live happily every after, right? Reality check. Relationships are not always like they are in the movies. You will have ups and downs, and sometimes they come to an end. Instead of choosing to be angry about that, do your best to look at the situation for what it is. Be glad you met that person and you were able to have a shot at doing life together. However, something happened, and you no longer feel that spark and love anymore. The first step in having a healthy divorce is to reframe your mindset. Recognize what has transpired and choose to be rational. Sure, going through a separation is an emotional roller coaster, but do your best to put the emotions aside. It may be a good idea to find a neutral party who can help you make sensible decisions.

Sometimes you may be getting a divorce because your spouse did something terrible like cheat on you. You can either be angry and bitter forever, or you can look at the situation from a fresh perspective. This person you loved is no longer a person who has done right by you. They have hurt and betrayed you. In reality, it may be a good thing that you are splitting up from them. While this person may have been good for you at one period, they may not be good for you anymore. Because of that, it may be a positive thing for you to move on.

Children and Assets

Of course, if you have children with your ex, this is not as simple. Unlike couples without kids, you can’t just split up your physical assets and then be done. You have to work through many things when you have children, like custody and visitation schedules. Children add another element to a divorce. However, do your best to keep any conflict away from the kids. In fact, ongoing parental conflict can increase a child’s risk of psychological and social problems. Oftentimes, it is helpful for divorced parents to come up with a plan and present it to their kids together. Working together to keep your kids calm and as happy as possible can help lead to a healthy divorce. Make sure to communicate honestly with your kids about the changes going on, as kids benefit from open communication.

Divorce Conflict & Cause

Ideally, divorcing will be a smooth and peaceful process for both you and your ex. However, there are instances where divorce conflict can arise. By understanding what can cause this conflict, you’ll be able to better avoid it and calm things down in the future…

Divorce Conflict: Main Motivators

Unwilling to compromise

One of the biggest reasons for divorce conflict is an unwillingness to compromise. Nothing can be more frustrating than when one spouse isn’t willing to work together with the other. Showing a willingness to compromise means you’re willing to give up some of your wants in order to reach an agreement. If someone remains stubborn and refuses to do so, that’ll draw things out even further.

Of course, there are some things you or your ex may not want to compromise on. Still, there are probably some things you can meet in the middle for. Therefore, if your ex is willing to propose a compromise, give an effort to hear them out. It’s possible you can find some middle ground or agree on a separate compromise to get what you really want.

Poor communication

Issues with communication also tend to cause divorce conflict. Things tend to progress a lot more smoothly when you and your ex can talk to each other. That way, you both know exactly what the other person wants. However, if you end up fighting every time you meet, then this will just lead to more conflict and prevent any progress.

As a result, you should make improving communication a priority. Keep your conversations focused on what needs to be discussed and away from anything else which could cause tensions. Be sure to also remain respectful when talking to one another. If extra help is needed, it may be useful to consider using a mediator.

Trying to “win”

There’s a bit of a misconception that divorce is something you can “win.” Of course, you want to make sure you get a good and fair result. At the same time, you also don’t want to be very aggressive against your ex. Doing so can make them try and do the same and make your divorce conflict quite severe.

That’s why you should focus more on getting the result you’re happy with than trying to “punish” your ex. This will help your ex not feel like they’re on the defensive the entire time. Instead, it’ll encourage you both to work together.

How-to Get Your Finances in Order After a Divorce

Divorces can do a number on your finances. They can make you go from a dual-income to a single-income, change your tax and insurance situation or even add on unexpected debt and expenses. You may have to create new financial goals or even rebuild your credit. On top of that, you will have to be doing this all while juggling putting the pieces of your life back together. The key here is to be proactive and start working on getting your finances in order after a divorce as soon as you can.

How-to Get Your Finances in Order After a Divorce: Steps to Take

Budget

The first step to take to get your finances in order after a divorce is to evaluate your budget. The divorce could have resulted in a change in your household income, or you may have different expenses now. Whatever the current situation is, it will be helpful to look over your budget. If you do not have a budget already put together, now is a great time to create one. You need to be honest with yourself and build a budget that fits with your current circumstances. If your finances have changed but you continue to live your previous lifestyle, you will be headed towards financial trouble. You may have to end up needing to downsize your house or get a cheaper vehicle. Also, you may have to make other changes to your habits in order to set yourself up for financial success.

Credit

You will also want to work on building credit if you do not have a good credit score or your own credit history. If you did not have credit cards or a loan in your own name while you were married, start working on building your credit history ASAP. To qualify for a loan or rent a place to live, you will need to have a good credit score.

Keep in mind that you will often need credit to get credit. If you are unable to get a qualify for a traditional credit card on your own, there’ another option. Instead, you can apply for a secured credit card. These require you to deposit money that’s equal to your line of credit. Use this card to make small purchases and pay off the card on time each month. This will allow you build a good payment history and help your credit score. Be sure to remove your ex from any shared credit cards. Also, refinance your house so that only the person who is responsible for the payments is on the loan. This will prevent your ex from forgetting to make a payment or going into credit card debt and hurting your credit score.

By taking a few small steps, you can proactively get your finances in order after a divorce. Bt making an honest budget and sticking to it, plus building a strong credit history, you will be on the right track.

Children’s Hobbies Post-Divorce

Your divorce can be pretty rough on both you and the kids. For them, this can be a time where they feel a wide range of emotions which can impact their lives. Therefore, it’s good to encourage them to get into some children’s hobbies post-divorce. Doing so can help them in a few ways…

 Children’s Hobbies Post-Divorce: How They Help

Relieve some stress

One benefit of children’s hobbies post-divorce is how they help your kids relax. Odds are your divorce cause you a lot of stress throughout the process. However, it also probably placed a lot of stress onto your kids as well.

This stress can get worse for them as they try and adjust to the new way things are after the divorce. Unlike adults, children tend to struggle with managing this stress and this can cause them to act out in response. Having a hobby that they can get into and enjoy is a good way for them to relax and start to feel better again.

Make new friends

Another benefit of children’s hobbies post-divorce is the way they can encourage your kids to make new friends. Aside from stress, you kids can begin to feel sad and withdrawn as well. They’ll spend a lot of time alone in their rooms, not talking to others, and may even stop doing things such as their schoolwork.

A hobby can help your kids get back to being social and making new friends. Having a shared interest is one of the fastest and easiest ways for people of all ages to find friends. Once they start feeling more comfortable and happier with their friends, their mood around the house will also begin to improve.

Improve your connection

Children’s hobbies post-divorce can also be a way for you to improve your bond. A divorce tends to make kids question if things were somehow their fault. Spending time together via a hobby is a great way to show them that you still love them and that they didn’t do anything wrong.

For example, sports programs tend to be popular with kids and parents alike. Your kids get to play a sport they enjoy and make friends with their teammates, while you get to support and cheer for them at games. These are all great things for a child to have after having their parents divorce.