Gray Divorce: What it is, Why People Do it, and How it is Negative

There are many different forms of divorce, and everyone who does it— does so on their timeline. For reasons like these, family therapists and attorneys alike find themselves using the term gray divorce to describe a a certain type of legal separation. But what exactly does this mean? And what drives people to take this route, versus an easier one? While the people taking this route often do it for selfless reasons, it can actually be quite damaging to both them, and the people around them…

Gray Divorce: What it is, Why People Do it, and How it is Negative

First things First: What is a Gray Divorce?

Well, the name is actually quite telling. A gray divorce is a divorce between two people who are later in life. These are typically empty nesters with adult children and grandchildren. These divorcees will wait until their children are grown as a means of ‘protecting them’ from the sadness that is typically associated with children of divorce.

What’s different about this type of divorce?

There are actually quite a few things about gray divorce that make it different than your standard. For starters, there is typically estate planning happening, retired parties, social security benefits, more frequent health insurance usage— and these are really just the heavy hitters.

When you retire, you have a lot more benefits coming in, and you’re likely considering pulling from your retirement account to start using that to settle down for those later years. However, when you choose to separate, all of these benefits will have to be split and reevaluated. When it comes to benefits you’ve been sharing for the majority of a lifetime, that’s no easy feat.

Estate planning, in particular

One of the most difficult aspects of gray divorce is estate planning. For starters, it should be dealt with first and foremost. Estate planning, if you’re unfamiliar, is deciding what goes where in the event of death. Often, a couple will not think to adjust their will’s. In turn, after death, their ex-spouse will have control over all assets.

There is no right time for divorce

There’s no perfect time to separate. While we understand that you were making this decision to ease your family into the idea, it can be damaging to everyone involved. Staying in an unhappy marriage is bad for your health, and it also likely shows more than you believe. No one wants to put their children through a divorce. But, sometimes putting them through that divorce is much more manageable than letting them bear witness to a lifetime of miserable parents. Your needs are important too, even when you have children. So, consider the negatives and positives before choosing to wait ten more years… We wish you luck in this difficult time, and offer our services if you might need them.

Telling the Kids about New Partners: Breaking the news smoothly

The time will likely come for every divorced or single parent when they must share the news of new partners with their children. You’ve finally found someone who makes you happy, and wants to bond with your family. While this is an exciting time, it can also be quite nerve-wracking as well. After all, you have to introduce the idea to your children, and then allow your partner to introduce themselves. So, it can take some preparation beforehand. That’s where we come in. Below, we’ve come up with a quick guide to breaking the news smoothly and getting to the part where everyone gets along.

Telling the Kids about a New Partners: Breaking the news smoothly

Before you ever introduce your children to your new partners, you need to introduce the idea to three different people: your children’s other parent, you partner, and then your children alone. You don’t want to spring this on any one of them. Doing so will only damage the possibilities of a successful meeting, So, before you even consider bringing the idea to your new partner or children, speak with your co-parent.

Tell them that you’ve met someone, it’s serious, and you’re ready to bring them around your children. It’s important to understand that you need to clear this with them before making introductions. While this is your household, your relationship, and your children— they are also your co-parents’ children. So, be respectful— just as you want them to be towards you.

Once you’ve cleared it with co-parent, speak with your new partner

While you might think that your new partner should be ready to go on meeting your children, it’s important that you present the idea beforehand. you shouldn’t spring this on your partner, just like you shouldn’t with your children. This is a big step, and while you might feel ready— maybe they’re not. So, ask them. Don’t say ‘this is what I want’. Instead, explain that you care about them deeply, and want to make the next step and make them part of your family.

After speaking with your new partner, and getting the go ahead— it’s time to move into step number three: telling your children.

Now, every child is different. Therefore, every reaction will be different. However, how you present the idea is extremely important. You might be the first of their two parents to enter into a new relationship. In that instance, it might take some time for them to get used to. Speak their language. Make your children understand in their own unique way that you’ve found someone who makes you really happy and that, if they want, you’d love for them to meet him/her. Allowing your children to be in the driver’s seat in this scenario can make them feel more in control of a time that can be overwhelming to some.

Understand that this situation might not go how you want it too

The first step to bringing someone new into the equation, is accepting that it might not go as planned. Someone, somewhere, along the way could have an adverse reaction or decide that they aren’t ready. While this isn’t ideal, it’s part of the new stage you are entering. There will undoubtedly be growing pains and tough days. But, with the right person, it will all be worth it.

Considering Adoption of Foster Children? Understand the Laws

When you foster a child, you often develop an emotional bond with them. Good foster parents are often hard to come by as a foster child. Therefore, when they find a place that is comfortable, nurturing, and familial— both the parents and the child will likely decide to make the arrangement more permanent. Considering adoption of your foster children is admirable, yet complex. When it comes to the laws involved, adoption of foster children can be quite difficult. One recent South Carolina case, SCDSS vs. Boulware, has become a turning point for laws considering the adoption of foster children.

Considering Adoption of Foster Children? Understand the Laws

The Facts of the Case

In this case, a minor was placed into emergency protective custody after police discovered the child was living with the parents outside a meth lab. They also found that the child was sunburned, had insect bites, severe diaper rash, and tested positive for meth, cocaine, and marijuana.

DSS immediately placed the child into a foster home with Edward and Tammy Dalsing. At first, the family court ordered for the child to return to the parents after they completed parenting and substance abuse classes. However, the court soon found that the parents weren’t attending these classes. Furthermore, they had been arrested on possession of meth.

Termination of Parental Rights

The court quite obviously terminated the parental rights (TPR) for the child’s biological parents. Then, DSS reached an agreement to place the child with an aunt and uncle while the parents finished their treatment plan. The Dalsings then filed for a private TPR and adoption action of the child.

The family court terminated the parental rights of the parents, but also dismissed the Dalsings’ adoption action. The court argued that they did not have standing to pursue a private adoption of a child in DSS custody. They granted custody to DSS. The court of appeals affirmed this decision and the case went to the SC Supreme Court.

The Case goes to Supreme Court

The SC Supreme Court stated that the Dalsings actually did have standing to pursue a private adoption action. They cited S.C. Code § 63-9-60(A)(1) which allows any SC resident to petition the court to adopt a child, but disallows it when DSS has already placed the child for adoption. The Dalsings argued that they were, in fact, participating in accordance with this law.

Their grounds were that DSS had yet to place the child up for adoption when the Dalsings filed their TPR petition. DSS argued that the word “placed” in the statute refers to when the child is first placed in DSS’s custody. However, the court stated that this term actually refers to the selection of the adoption family.

Thus, in accordance with the statute, DSS had not yet placed the child for adoption. The court reversed the decision and remanded it back to the family court.

Adopting your Foster Child

The SC Supreme Court’s decision in Boulware loosens the limitation set for foster parents seeking to adopt a child. Specifically, regarding the meaning of the word “placed” in the statute. Therefore, if you’re considering adoption of your foster child, it’s important to familiarize yourself with the laws as you pursue the action. The best way to do so, is to find a family attorney to aid you in understanding the laws, and taking the necessary steps. We wish you luck in this endeavor, and offer our support if you might need it. No child deserves to be left behind, especially by the actions of their parents. What you’re doing is a fantastic thing. While it may be difficult, nothing worth it is ever easy…

Staying Friends Post-Divorce: Being Friendly After the Fact

The general sentiment for most when they separate from their spouse, is wanting distance from them. They hurt your feelings, you’ve just been through a huge ordeal, and as of now, you want nothing to do with them. However, this may not be the case. Maybe you want a friendship with your ex. Whether you want it now, or later, staying friends post-divorce is understandable. After all, they’ve been your best friend for a long time now… So, we’re here to help you maintain that relationship. Below, you’ll find a few tips for staying friendly in the long run…

Staying Friends Post-Divorce: Being Friendly After the Fact

Don’t avoid your memories just to avoid the divorce

Starting fresh has a certain appeal to it— especially in your scenario. So, it might feel like the logical thing to do to just ignore the milestones, hardships, achievements, and so forth, as a means of creating an easy-going friendship. Instead of denying those memories, embrace them in a new way. You and your now ex, and new friend, have a lot of history. Sure, a divorce isn’t exactly the kind of thing you want to re-hash. So, don’t. However, don’t use avoiding that topic as a means of avoiding everything else. Think of your ex as a good friend with lots of history, and nothing more. Staying friends post-divorce means you have to embrace the weird until you two find your sweet spot.

Give your old relationship time to settle before you work on a new one

Just like with any other relationship, staying friends post-divorce means taking some time to process and let it develop. Give your relationship time to settle; time to find a new groove, and then together, find your friendship. Often, we expect that both of us should be able to transition quickly. However, there will inevitably be some growing pains. After all, your marriage failed. This is not an easy, or quick, thing to move past. Heal your wounds, then begin to accept each other as friends instead of partners.

Don’t rehash or revisit old marital issues

Now is not the time to bring up old wounds and try to do something about them. Your marriage is over, so let it be over. If you and your ex choose to remain friends post-divorce, you must agree to let these things go. You’ve moved into a new period; a new relationship. This new relationship is not built to give you closure for the old one, or to solve old issues. It is something new entirely, and continuing to relive old mistakes, will only prevent this relationship from becoming beneficial to you both.

You two are choosing to re-invent and grow as friends

If you and your ex decide that staying friends post-divorce is something you can do, we commend you. This isn’t an easy decision to make, as many see their ex-spouse as a reminder of bad versus good. However, it’s a noble one, and it can be really great for the both of you. No one knows you better than your spouse, and losing that can be gutting. So, reinvent in the way that you see fit. This relationship, just like your marriage, does not have to satisfy anyone but you. So, have fun, explore your options, and create friendships where you see fit.

When Pup Parents Divorce: Who Takes Fido?

More and more younger couples are holding off on having kids, even after they get married. Whether it due to age, aspirations, financial state— many couples are playing the waiting game a bit longer than they used to. There’s no harm or shame in it, and for most— it’s a well thought out decision. However, in holding off on kids, many couples will get a dog or two. Therefore, if they find themselves in a divorce situation, there’s one vital question: who takes the dog when his pup parents divorce?

When Pup Parents Divorce: Who Takes Fido?

Unfortunately, even though we see them as our babies, the court still considers them property. So, when it comes to a divorce, there’s no custody court for your pup. Instead, the two of you will have to find a means of splitting time, or one of you will have to split ways.

The Animal Legal Defense Fund

This group is working to try and alter that law just a bit. They know, just like any pet owner, that they are more than property. therefore, they aim for the courts to take into consideration who provides primary care of the animal. Who takes them to the vet, buys the food, socializes them, grooms them, and etc. Basically, which of the two of you bears the largest weight. If the ALDF could swing it, a dog would qualify as a separate entity— almost like a child, instead of, say, a painting or a motorcycle.

What can we do, as dog owners, to make sure we reach a solid agreement?

I’m sure you, along with your spouse, have heard the quote: if you want something done right, do it yourself. So, when pup parents divorce, the two of you should consider crafting your agreement yourself. Maybe one of you is fully willing to part ways with the dog, or maybe neither of you are. So, you have to sit down together, as adults, and reach an agreement that suits you both. If need be, treat it like a custody agreement. Look up common paths for custody, and mirror it in a way that benefits your situation. Maybe parent 1 will take majority of time, but parent 2 gets a week out of ever month. Find something that works for you, by you. As of now, the court will be of no help when it comes to your pups.

Successful Divorce: Successfully Separating Your Heart and Mind

There’s no easy path to take emotionally during a divorce. Sure, you have options when it comes to mediation, collaboration, and custody. But when it comes to your heart? There’s not too much bargaining to be done there. So, we’re going to help. Getting a successful divorce doesn’t just mean hitting all the marks on proceedings. Instead, it means healing emotionally, getting things done, and coming out on the other side of this just a little bit lighter. A divorce will undoubtedly be tough, but you can make the better of it in a few ways…

Successful Divorce: Successfully Separating Your Heart and Mind

Assess

Before you start healing emotionally, you need to assess the situation. What do you want from your divorce? Both emotionally, and in terms of finances and assets. You’ll need to tackle these two things in tandem, but separately. Letting your emotions cloud the proceedings, and let you make spiteful decisions— can only make matters worse, and prolong the process.

Gather Information

Next up, gather all of your information. Documents, statements, make lists of things you need and things you can part with. Getting this information together as quickly as possible, means you can focus on it less. Pull it all together, organize it, file it, and then get back to you. The sooner you handle the technical stuff, the sooner you can stop focusing on it.

Educate Yourself

The more you know, the more your mind can be at ease. Well, at least when it comes to divorce. For starters, become familiar with the process of divorce. What steps do you have to take first? Where can an attorney take over? And what do I need to watch out for and avoid? Once you have an attorney, they will explain things in further detail, but it’s good to have a foundation on your own. Then, you can ask more informed questions and get through the process more quickly because you took the time to do the research.

Pick Your Team

Decide what and who you need. Whether that be a therapist, a financial advisor, a family specialist, a custody lawyer… decide what you need and begin to put it together. You can address both physical and psychological needs at the same time here. Discover who you need in your corner on this, and rally those troops. Having every resource, even family, set in stone can really ease your mind.

Form A Plan

Think over logistics, form a plan, write things down. If you have questions? Ask them. That’s what your attorney is for, among other things. Understand that you don’t have to go at this alone, and the more planning you do— the less you have to worry about as it gets rolling. A successful divorce requires planning, and adaptability. We wish you luck as you move forward, offer our condolences at this difficult time, and offer our services if you might need them.

How-To Keep Spending Small in Your Divorce: Save Money, Time, and Heartache with These Few Steps

There’s no denying that a divorce is quite costly to both parties involved. So, what can we do to keep spending small when it comes to our divorce? If you can find a way to save your funds, divorce each other peacefully, and keep that bad taste out of your mouth— why not do so? It may sound idealistic on our end, but it is possible to make it through a divorce without your blood pressure going through the roof. With hard work, patience, and collaboration, you might just find that you two went through a model divorce…

How-To Keep Spending Small in Your Divorce: Save Money, Time, and Heartache with These Few Steps

Set a timeline, and commit to it

A divorce is all about paperwork and deadlines. From figuring out child support, splitting assets, selling your family home, and closing up shop— it can take a while to work through. So, missing a deadline can make it take even longer. You two set a meeting? Stick to it, don’t put it off for any reason. Ultimately, that attorney isn’t there on his own free will— their time costs money. Be smart, efficient, reasonable, and timely in hitting your marks and providing any materials.

Keep it business-like and efficient

If you can check your emotions at the door, you’ll be sure to keep spending small, or at least smaller than they might have been. Sometimes, the way that we feel tends to influence our decision making. Maybe you noticed that your soon-to-be-ex has been going out with the boys, and now you’re angry so you want to go for more. Making changes to the agreement midway through, especially out of anger, can be counterproductive. Bringing those emotions into the mix is bad news, and can inevitably add to further costs. Do yourself a favor and save money by saving time.

Be flexible with one another

Have expectations and wants when it comes to assets and splitting the load. But, be realistic and flexible about it. Consider making a list; a list of what is a necessity to you, and the things you’d like to have— but can give on. Consider that even the things you feel are a necessity, aren’t guaranteed, and the more time you spend worrying over those things and not giving on them— the more money you spend. Who knows, by the end of this whole thing (if you do it right) you might be able to replace what you gave up on.

How-to Avoid Isolating Yourself Post-Divorce

Recovering after a divorce can be very difficult. You’ve spent your past few months, or year, tearing your life up. All in all, that can make it pretty easy to fall into a slump. People process grief and loss differently, and there’s no one way that people cope. But one way that tends to show up quite often, is by isolating yourself. As we’ve said, it’s easy to fall into a slump and, in turn, separate yourself from friends and family who are still here for you. Recovery is difficult, but it’s even more difficult when you go at it alone. Those connections you had, are still there post-divorce. So, we’ve put together a list for you; a list of way to avoid isolating yourself in tough times…

How-to Avoid Isolating Yourself Post-Divorce

Maintain Close Relationships

For the most part, you might be doing the exact opposite of this because it’s easier. The people close to you want to know how you’re doing, they’ll want to rehash— make sure you’re okay. But, you might want to do the exact opposite of that. So, set some ground rules. Ultimately, these people care about you and want to help. So, tell them what they can do to help you. They’re here to do what’s best for you. Sometimes, that just needs a little bit of direction.

Be Careful Who You Confide In

On the flip side, maybe sharing is just what you need to do to get by. Just make sure you’re doing this in the right way, and with the right people. Venting on social media might feel like a good idea at the time. But, by putting your story and your feelings out into the world, you give people a chance to inject their own views, opinions, and unsolicited advice. Everyone has their own view, and when you’re going through a divorce, you might need those views. So, do what you see fit.

However, remember that what you put out to the public— is subject to all of the public. While you and your former spouse are no longer on good terms, maybe you still care about his family. So, consider that what you post might make it’s way to them as well.

Isolating yourself is the easiest option…

…but that doesn’t make it the best, or even a good option. By having a strong support group, you’ll be able to work through the emotional process of divorce. But in order to do that, you need to maintain healthful connections, and ask for what you need.

While it may feel like you don’t have the energy to invest in other relationships, they are still important, even if your marriage didn’t work out. Avoid isolating yourself because it is not your best option by any means. Instead, surround yourself with good people, good things, and start to re-build. You have a lot of good things ahead of you…

How-To Ruin Custody Battles: What Actions Blow My Chances?

Custody battles can undoubtedly get quite ugly. There are mixed feelings, different goals from each parent, and a lot of different emotions stoking the fire. As your spouse and you both put up a fight to achieve your goal, there might come attacks; attacks on character, actions, choices you’ve made… So, you have to choose what route you want to take moving forward. What do you want for your family? There are plenty of ways to ruin custody battles, and put yourself at risk of losing it all. So, what should I avoid?

How-To Ruin Custody Battles: What Actions Blow Your Chances?

Arriving late to pick ups/ visits

One likely way to show a court that you lack dedication to the cause, is being late for pickup and drop-off. Oftentimes, these arrangements are either between the two of you, or the two of you ,and the court. Either way, being late for something you agreed upon can show the judge that you don’t make this current custody arrangement a priority. Not to mention, it shows irresponsibility and a lack of commitment to your child.

So take scheduled visits as a chance to prove that you are reliable and responsible.

Denying suggestions or orders

If a judge orders you to take parenting classes, go to therapy, or seek counseling to better your role as a parent— do it. The court is giving you a chance at redemption; a chance to right your wrongs. You’ll want to take that chance, show graciousness, and stay the path. This can show that you are willing to do what’s necessary to see your children. Also, it ensures the court that you are seeking the help you need to become the best parent possible.

Using visits or swap times as a mediation tool

Maybe you feel that some aspect of the agreement is not up to par anymore. Or, maybe, you feel that there should be a renegotiation on child support. One way to ruin custody battles? Using the precious time you have with your child, to negotiate it. Or even, if you use those few moments of swap time to try and make a plea. Ultimately, it shows that the child is not at the forefront of your mind, and that they have ulterior motives versus doing well for the right reasons. If you want to renegotiate child support, set a time with your former spouse to discuss it. Or, reach out to your lawyer. Your time with your kids should be exactly that— nothing more, nothing less.

Drug or alcohol abuse

Lastly, and most obviously, is abusing drugs or alcohol. In the event that the court finds proof that you’re using drugs or alcohol, your visitations can go right out the window. In short, when you’re trying to win custody of any sort, you want to show stability, and good decision making abilities. Therefore, it’s best to avoid anything that may indicate that you have a problem. You have to think of any way you act in public, as a chance to ruin or help your custody agreement.

If you are serious about your custody case, you want to avoid any of these actions, as they often bring harm to custody battles. Being that your ex may be looking for any way to attack your character and take custody, you must keep your actions clean and respectable.

Divorcing Without Kids: Why It’s Just As Hard

When you go through a divorce, your whole life gets uprooted. Your home, the dog, your belongings, your love life… everything changes or goes away. Going through a divorce as a parent is very tough; you have to tell your kids, split time, and do the custody shuffle. So, when someone you know is divorcing without kids, it can be easy to dismiss their struggle as less than. And sure, divorcing without children has a few particular upsides. But, it’s still a divorce, and it’s still very emotionally taxing….

Divorcing Without Kids: What Makes It just as Difficult?

When you picture a divorce as an outsider, you see kids, a house, a car, maybe a family business. but, divorce doesn’t look like that for everyone. Instead, it can really just look like two people, without much, that have fallen out of love. Maybe you haven’t gotten around to the kids yet, or maybe it was a conscious decision. But, it’s important to understand that you’re not alone in this. You might be wondering why you’re feeling so in a rut? Why people are dismissing your divorce almost as a bad breakup? And why you’ve felt so isolated…

When divorcing without kids, it can be hard to find motivation

When you have children and are going through divorce, you have to dust yourself off and get back up. You have no choice; there are little people waiting on you to carry on as normal for their sake. But, when divorcing without kids, you don’t have that same requirement. Therefore, it can be easy to fall into a hard slump. For parents, their purpose lies in their children. So, it makes it easier to feel like things will get better, and more quickly. But, that can be difficult without a motivator such as this.

People see your pain as lesser than

Just because you don’t have kids running around, doesn’t mean your divorce wasn’t awful, and horrible, and heartbreaking. So many times, these divorcee’s will hear, “just be glad you didn’t have kids to deal with too,” and sure, that’s a valid point. Having to tell your kids, split your time, and cope with them through this would be tough— but it’s tough on your own too.

You might be worried about ever having kids now

You had your heart set on your marriage, and eventually building a family with that person. Now, you have to start all over, and you might be worried. Am I running out of time? Will I ever be a mother/father? Have I ruined my shot? This feeling can be scary, especially as you begin to age. But, you still have time and options. Worry not.

Try to see the good in this

You have a unique opportunity in your adult life to make a decision solely for you. Relocate, make a big change, go on a month long vacation— you have an opportunity that many don’t come by. While it’s not ideal, and doesn’t make your situation feel any lesser— try and look at the upsides of it. We’d advise any parent to do the same— look at the positives of your particular situation. We wish you luck as you move forward din this difficult times, and offer our services if you may need them.