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How-to Keep Conflict Concealed During During Divorce: Protecting your Kids from Conflict  

Arguably one of the most difficult things to do while parenting through divorce, is to keep your children from being exposed to your conflict. After all, no matter how you feel about one another— you are still parents to your children. So, how can you keep conflict concealed when you’re working through a divorce, and figuring out co-parenting? After all, you’re new at this too, and there are a lot of feelings you two are still working through. So, we’re here to help

How-to Keep Conflict Concealed During During Divorce: Protecting your Kids from Arguments

Obviously, the best thing you can do for your child is to keep them out of the middle. Discuss your issues with one another, keep the kids away from it, and if you need to have a serious discussion, or share choice words— do it in the right time and place. You don’t have to be friends, just successful co-parents. While this is inevitably easier said than done, it comes in practice. You won’t be perfect from the start, and no one expects you to be. 

You want your children to remain unbiased 

Keeping your child from having a bias towards one parent or the other means not talking down about one another in the presence of your child. If you two feel a certain way about one another, that’s perfectly fine. However, successful co-parenting means co-existing in the sense that you can hold it together as you go through the motions for your child. You don’t have to like each other, you just have to create the proper time and space to address those feelings. 

Put it in writing 

If you can address concerns and keep conflict concealed by writing, do it. Some couples might find that they’re able to best address their true feelings when they write them down. This is a great way to get a thought out in a non-hostile way. Not to mention, even if you don’t give the letters to your spouse, they can be therapeutic to get your feelings into writing.

Speak to each other constructively 

You have choice feelings about one another— what divorcee doesn’t? The key is to address those feelings in a respectful, constructive manner. Think of it this way: you’re a model for your children’s behavior. A great trait for every adult to have, is to express their concerns and opinion in a concise, and productive manner. Allow your children to see that, even in adverse conditions, you can perform with grace. By doing so, you address your feelings, and teach a life lesson at the same time. 

No one said you have it easy

Divorcing, especially when you have children, is hard work. Learning to co-exist for your children is also pretty difficult. But the thing to remember is that it’s not impossible. To keep conflict concealed is to do your children a favor. We wish you luck in this difficult time, and offer our condolences for your divorce. Furthermore, we extend our services if you may need them. 

Emotional Abuse Signs: Identifying Signs of Abuse 

When you begin the divorce process, one of the first questions you’ll have to answer is ‘on what grounds?’ What is happening that justifies a divorce. For every divorcing couple, the answer will be a bit different. From irreconcilable differences, alcoholism, an abusive spouse, and so forth. There are plenty of reasons for a couple to divorce, and abuse is absolutely one of the most pressing. When you think about abuse, you likely think of physical violence. But, emotional abuse is just as prevalent, if not even more so. When you’re consider emotional abuse, and if they’re happening to you, it’s important to be able to identify some of the emotional abuse signs.

Emotional Abuse Signs: Identifying Signs of Abuse

Threats

One of the most obvious signs of emotional abuse, is making verbal threats. In most cases, an emotionally abusive spouse will use threats as a means of gaining control, and getting what they want from the other spouse. Those threats can range from a threat to leave you, embarrass you, take something away, or threats of violence unto themselves or to you. By your spouse making these threats, you may feel a responsibility to the outcome, and to making sure you don’t lose someone or something you care about.

Withholding Affection

Another means of emotional abuse can be through withholding affection. This can be as a means of punishment, or even one of those communicated threats we discussed above. This can also be as a means of getting something that they want, making you suffer, or as a means of ‘breaking you down’. For the most part, once you break down emotionally, the abuser knows they have control and will let up.

No Respect of Privacy

One of the more subtle aspects of emotional abuse, is to take away your sense of privacy. This can be due to a lack of trust, or to create paranoia. By doing this, they make you feel as if you’ve done something wrong even when you haven’t. For this reason, you may become paranoid and nervous about your every move or doing something they can misunderstand.

Emotional abuse can come in many forms, and can be unique to your relationship

Each relationship, and divorce is different. In that same sense, emotional abuse is not a one-size-fits-all system of abuse. Instead, it is calculated, precise, and tailored to your relationship. If you can relate with any of these emotional abuse signs, or relate to them— consider speaking with an attorney, a therapist, or someone who can help you determine a next step. No one deserves to live with abuse, and you do not have to…

A Different Divorce: How Same-Sex Divorce Differs 

A divorce is a divorce. It doesn’t matter the sex of the parties; a divorce will always feel the same. This is a time of loss, hardship, and moving into a new stage of life. Typically, most couples know what to expect of a divorce. From court proceedings, custody battles, mediation, and so forth. All in all, a divorce is pretty standard procedure. But, in some ways, for a same-sex couple, it’s a different divorce than most…

A Different Divorce: How Same-Sex Divorce Differs

There are a few ways that a same-sex divorce is different than a heterosexual divorce. However, in most ways, it’s completely the same. There’s anger, grief, guilt, remorse, relief… a whole range of emotions. When it comes to the emotional side of divorce, there’s ultimately no difference in how you feel and everyone else feels. Furthermore, you’ll go through the same one and dance as every other married couple. From custody agreements, property division, debt division, spousal support, and so forth. However, there are a few areas that can be a bit more difficult to deal with…

Custody Problems for Non-Biological Parents

One of the most difficult issues for same-sex couples is that of custody. All things considered, that child is both yours, and your spouses. However, being that the court system is still a little behind the curve when it comes to custody in same-sex marriage, the biological parent will have a huge advantage in terms of custody. That is, unless the non-bio parent has legally adopted the child. In that case, you will bot h have legal rights to the child. But, unfortunately, most couples just don’t think to take that measure until it’s too late.

Same-sex Couples Tend to Have Property Issues

As you likely know, gay marriage was not legal country-wide until a few years ago. Therefore, most everyone in a same-sex relationship had to carry on as if they were married, without the legal document to say so. Therefore, if you’ve been together for much longer than you’ve been married— you likely have assets, property, a mortgage, and so forth, that you’ve treated as marital property. However, because it was all acquired outside of the marriage, a judge will not be able to help you divide it all up. While this issue is alive and well for both heterosexual and same-sex couples, it can become quite an issue for long time same-sex couples who’ve built a lot of life and assets together.

Your divorce is just like any other, but there are a few more bumps in the road…

Every divorce will vary in a few different ways. Whether it be a lot of property to divide, medical bills, child custody, or any other factor. But, there are no two proceedings that go the same way. So, while you have a different divorce on your hands, it’s nothing a divorce attorney won’t be able to help you sort through.

Hiring Divorce Attorneys: Why They’re Vital to Your Case

When you’re in the beginning stages of a divorce, hiring divorce attorneys might be something you’re considering— but not totally sold on. While there are plenty of professionals that can be of great help during a divorce, your attorney will be one of the most vital tools. Divorce can be nasty, angry, and one or both parties will almost always stray from the original plan. That’s where your attorney comes in…

Hiring Divorce Attorneys: Why You Should Absolutely Do So

They deal with the technical stuff

A divorce is emotionally taxing. That, in itself, is a lot to deal with. But when you add gathering documents of all kinds into the mix? A divorce can be downright exhausting. So, instead of trying to figure all of that stuff out on your own, hire someone to do it for you. It’s easy to make mistakes when you’re emotionally unavailable, sleep-deprived, and trying to march on. But, mistakes in a divorce and a court room can be costly in a number of ways.

So, in hiring divorce attorneys, you have someone to check behind you, keep your dates in order, and make sure you have everything you need. From financial documents, medical bills, mortgages, and any other marital asset or debt— there’s a lot to it. Trying to handle that on your own, while possible, is difficult.

Attorney fees are expensive, but not as expensive as making mistakes…

Many people stray away from hiring divorce attorneys because it can be quite expensive. However, any mistake you make in gathering documents, filling out paperwork, forgetting something in the court room, or forth— can drag the process on longer, and make it more costly. Not to mention, an inconvenienced judge is not a happy judge. Additionally, depending upon your situation, an attorney may be able to help you win attorney’s fees compensation from your spouse.

Another good thing to remember is that many offices, including our own, offer a free consultation to potential clients

Consider speaking to a few before you select an attorney. Ask questions, ask about their experience with your specific needs, and how many cases they’ve won. Lastly, we always encourage any divorcee to make the best decision for themselves, even if that means going at the fight alone. But, if you find that your spouse has hire representation, it’s imperative that you do so as well. While both parties being unrepresented is not ideal, at least it is an even playing ground. If you go up against an experience divorce attorney without your own, it can be easy to lose out on your wants and needs.

A divorce can affect your life in a big way

Therefore, you want to make sure you’re not taken advantage of. Your financial future is important to getting you settled, secure, and moved on into this new stage. So, take consideration before deciding whether to hire an attorney, and in who you hire. After all, they’re playing a big part in your next step…

Collaborative Divorce: The Perfect Choice for Collaborative Couples 

In terms of divorce settlements, and different ways to get there— there are plenty of options. As anyone who has gone through a divorce knows, they can go sour quite quickly. But, that is not always the case. In many divorces, both parties will agree that they want to make it through this with their dignity, and sanity intact. If you and your to-be former spouse have agreed to this, then a collaborative divorce might be right up your alley.

Collaborative Divorce for Collaborative Couples: A Smart, Cost-Effective Option

What Is It?

In general, many divorces take place without ever going to court. But even then, they may have to undergo long litigation and mediation in order to get the result you want. When this happens, things often get ugly and cause more tension between and your ex. As a result, this process can have a huge impact on the emotional state of children involved in the divorce.

So to avoid these problems, some people choose to seek out a collaborative divorce. This type of divorce takes place when a couple agrees to seek a civilized divorce and to forego the process of court. Therefore, all negotiations are made between both parties, and their respective lawyers without going before a judge. This option gives you both more control. However, it can be difficult when one, or both, parties are not cooperating.

How Does it Work?

Before beginning the process, both parties will each hire their own collaborative attorney. Then, all members of each party will sign a Participation Agreement. By signing this document, all signees agree to offering up full disclosure throughout the process. That means information and details regarding all finances and any other important matters to settle. It also states that the two will settle the matters outside of court and that all things will remain confidential about the case.

While most cases just include collaborative attorneys, some cases may hire other professionals as well.

This could include financial advisors or child psychologist. If these members come on board, they will also need to sign the Participation Agreement.

After that, you can begin the process of settling important agreements like child or spousal support. This process should also settle custody agreements, as well as dividing property and other assets. The major difference with a collaborative divorce is that it is not about who wins or loses. Instead, this type of divorce wants to split things fairly, while also keeping peace between spouses.

No matter how you decide to proceed with your divorce, if you have kids involved, you will still have to deal with your ex. So a collaborative divorce works to keep things civil. That way, you can continue working peacefully together in the future.

Marital and Non-Marital Property: How Do We Divide?

A common question people ask in divorce cases, is how the court divides property between the spouses. Ultimately, this depends on a few different things. To begin, SC follows Equitable Distribution laws. This means that property is divided in a fair and equitable way. However, fair doesn’t always mean equal. The courts will consider many factors in deciding how to divide property. One of the most important, is whether the property is marital or non-marital.

Marital and Non-Marital Property: How Do We Divide?

First things first, what is marital and non-marital property?

SC Code Section 20-3-630 defines marital property as property acquired by the parties during the marriage. To put it simply, if you bought the property together during the marriage, it will be subject to equitable distribution at the time of divorce. It doesn’t even matter if one name versus the other is on the title. Rather, they just care about the date of purchase.

Are there exceptions?

Property a couple acquires during their marriage is marital, yes. However, there are a few exceptions to the rule. These exceptions are non-marital property. Non-marital property is not subject to division. Some of these exceptions are as follows:

  • Property from an inheritance or gift from a party other than the spouse
  • Property that a written contract signed by both of the spouses excludes, such as a prenuptial agreement
  • Increase in the value of non-marital property. Unless its increase resulted from effort of the other spouse during the marriage
Can non-marital property become marital?

Sometimes property that one spouse owns before the marriage can become marital. This can happen when a spouse deposits pre-marriage money into a joint account during marriage. It can also happen through transmutation.

Transmutation is when the couple treats non-marital property as marital. This is especially common in, say, a home. One spouse might own a home before marriage. Then, during the marriage, both spouses live in the home and put money towards the mortgage, repair, and so forth. Through this process, the home becomes marital property.

Dividing property in a divorce is a hard process. It can be hard to predict how a judge will choose to divide assets. Thus, it is a common concern amongst our divorcing clients. That’s where we come in. By hiring an experienced divorce attorney, you can find someone to fight for your desired outcome— but also prepare you for different possibilities.

Leaving Spouse? A How-to for Coping with Love, Lost

When it comes to divorce, it’s quite unlikely that both parties are on the same page in every regard. Whether it be why you’re divorcing, the terms of alimony, child custody, or even getting the divorce itself. It’s not uncommon that, when divorcing, one party doesn’t want to go through with it. Maybe you think you can still work it out, maybe you made a mistake, or maybe there’s just love lost on one side versus the other. No matter the reason, when it comes to a leaving spouse, some struggle more than others. So, we’re here to help you cope…

Leaving Spouse? Coping with Love, Lost

Don’t beg, plead, or make demands

If your spouse comes to you and unexpectedly asks for a divorce, it can be second nature to beg them to stay; plead your case and ask for another chance. However, it’s best to give them that space they were looking for in a time like this. Maybe they’re set in their decision, maybe they’re confused, or maybe they just need space. No matter their reason, taking that time to step back might just give them the perspective they need to realize that this isn’t what they want. And if they don’t? Well, then unfortunately their decision might already be made…

Process Quietly

Instead of begging and pleading right out of the gate, take some time to yourself and consider what they’ve said and their reasoning. Process this crisis and bring a clear mind to the next discussion. While this a very emotional time, getting out of control about your feelings will only worsen the matter. So, draw back that anger, mourning, and try to come up with alternatives. You don’t want a divorce, so see if they’re willing to try and work on alternatives. If they see the marriage as salvageable and so do you, consider reaching out to a family therapist or marriage counselor.

Give them space and don’t reach out

I’m sure you’re familiar with the phrase ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. When you’re married to someone, you likely spend a lot of time with them. Therefore, it can be easy to start taking certain things for granted. In turn, many spouses find themselves bored of the same old routine and think that divorce is the answer. Only, after weeks or months, they’ll find themselves with a restored appreciation in their family and spouse. Maybe this is what they need. While this likely feels selfish or unfair to you, and it is in a sense, it might just be what your marriage needs.

Start moving forward

The most important thing you can do for yourself and your family, is to start healing. While a divorce is difficult, life still marches on. And if you have children, there’s a slew of daily responsibilities and activities you still have to complete. So, mourn, make plans, begin the process, and march on. While it might not seem that way at first, continuing on with your day to day life can make a big difference in helping you heal.

Dealing with a leaving spouse, especially when you didn’t expect it, is painful and tough to overcome. But, nothing good ever came of wallowing in grief. Instead, make plans to get yourself excited. What do you want out of this next stage? How will you make the most of it? The best thing you can do for yourself is start looking forward.

Gray Divorce: What it is, Why People Do it, and How it is Negative 

There are many different forms of divorce, and everyone who does it— does so on their timeline. For reasons like these, family therapists and attorneys alike find themselves using the term gray divorce to describe a a certain type of legal separation. But what exactly does this mean? And what drives people to take this route, versus an easier one? While the people taking this route often do it for selfless reasons, it can actually be quite damaging to both them, and the people around them…

Gray Divorce: What it is, Why People Do it, and How it is Negative

First things First: What is a Gray Divorce?

Well, the name is actually quite telling. A gray divorce is a divorce between two people who are later in life. These are typically empty nesters with adult children and grandchildren. These divorcees will wait until their children are grown as a means of ‘protecting them’ from the sadness that is typically associated with children of divorce.

What’s different about this type of divorce?

There are actually quite a few things about gray divorce that make it different than your standard. For starters, there is typically estate planning happening, retired parties, social security benefits, more frequent health insurance usage— and these are really just the heavy hitters.

When you retire, you have a lot more benefits coming in, and you’re likely considering pulling from your retirement account to start using that to settle down for those later years. However, when you choose to separate, all of these benefits will have to be split and reevaluated. When it comes to benefits you’ve been sharing for the majority of a lifetime, that’s no easy feat.

Estate planning, in particular

One of the most difficult aspects of gray divorce is estate planning. For starters, it should be dealt with first and foremost. Estate planning, if you’re unfamiliar, is deciding what goes where in the event of death. Often, a couple will not think to adjust their will’s. In turn, after death, their ex-spouse will have control over all assets.

There is no right time for divorce

There’s no perfect time to separate. While we understand that you were making this decision to ease your family into the idea, it can be damaging to everyone involved. Staying in an unhappy marriage is bad for your health, and it also likely shows more than you believe. No one wants to put their children through a divorce. But, sometimes putting them through that divorce is much more manageable than letting them bear witness to a lifetime of miserable parents. Your needs are important too, even when you have children. So, consider the negatives and positives before choosing to wait ten more years… We wish you luck in this difficult time, and offer our services if you might need them.

Telling the Kids about New Partners: Breaking the news smoothly 

The time will likely come for every divorced or single parent when they must share the news of new partners with their children. You’ve finally found someone who makes you happy, and wants to bond with your family. While this is an exciting time, it can also be quite nerve-wracking as well. After all, you have to introduce the idea to your children, and then allow your partner to introduce themselves. So, it can take some preparation beforehand. That’s where we come in. Below, we’ve come up with a quick guide to breaking the news smoothly and getting to the part where everyone gets along. 

Telling the Kids about a New Partners: Breaking the news smoothly 

Before you ever introduce your children to your new partners, you need to introduce the idea to three different people: your children’s other parent, you partner, and then your children alone. You don’t want to spring this on any one of them. Doing so will only damage the possibilities of a successful meeting, So, before you even consider bringing the idea to your new partner or children, speak with your co-parent. 

Tell them that you’ve met someone, it’s serious, and you’re ready to bring them around your children. It’s important to understand that you need to clear this with them before making introductions. While this is your household, your relationship, and your children— they are also your co-parents’ children. So, be respectful— just as you want them to be towards you. 

Once you’ve cleared it with co-parent, speak with your new partner 

While you might think that your new partner should be ready to go on meeting your children, it’s important that you present the idea beforehand. you shouldn’t spring this on your partner, just like you shouldn’t with your children. This is a big step, and while you might feel ready— maybe they’re not. So, ask them. Don’t say ‘this is what I want’. Instead, explain that you care about them deeply, and want to make the next step and make them part of your family. 

After speaking with your new partner, and getting the go ahead— it’s time to move into step number three: telling your children. 

Now, every child is different. Therefore, every reaction will be different. However, how you present the idea is extremely important. You might be the first of their two parents to enter into a new relationship. In that instance, it might take some time for them to get used to. Speak their language. Make your children understand in their own unique way that you’ve found someone who makes you really happy and that, if they want, you’d love for them to meet him/her. Allowing your children to be in the driver’s seat in this scenario can make them feel more in control of a time that can be overwhelming to some. 

Understand that this situation might not go how you want it too 

The first step to bringing someone new into the equation, is accepting that it might not go as planned. Someone, somewhere, along the way could have an adverse reaction or decide that they aren’t ready. While this isn’t ideal, it’s part of the new stage you are entering. There will undoubtedly be growing pains and tough days. But, with the right person, it will all be worth it. 

Considering Adoption of Foster Children? Understand the Laws

When you foster a child, you often develop an emotional bond with them. Good foster parents are often hard to come by as a foster child. Therefore, when they find a place that is comfortable, nurturing, and familial— both the parents and the child will likely decide to make the arrangement more permanent. Considering adoption of your foster children is admirable, yet complex. When it comes to the laws involved, adoption of foster children can be quite difficult. One recent South Carolina case, SCDSS vs. Boulware, has become a turning point for laws considering the adoption of foster children.

Considering Adoption of Foster Children? Understand the Laws

The Facts of the Case

In this case, a minor was placed into emergency protective custody after police discovered the child was living with the parents outside a meth lab. They also found that the child was sunburned, had insect bites, severe diaper rash, and tested positive for meth, cocaine, and marijuana.

DSS immediately placed the child into a foster home with Edward and Tammy Dalsing. At first, the family court ordered for the child to return to the parents after they completed parenting and substance abuse classes. However, the court soon found that the parents weren’t attending these classes. Furthermore, they had been arrested on possession of meth.

Termination of Parental Rights

The court quite obviously terminated the parental rights (TPR) for the child’s biological parents. Then, DSS reached an agreement to place the child with an aunt and uncle while the parents finished their treatment plan. The Dalsings then filed for a private TPR and adoption action of the child.

The family court terminated the parental rights of the parents, but also dismissed the Dalsings’ adoption action. The court argued that they did not have standing to pursue a private adoption of a child in DSS custody. They granted custody to DSS. The court of appeals affirmed this decision and the case went to the SC Supreme Court.

The Case goes to Supreme Court

The SC Supreme Court stated that the Dalsings actually did have standing to pursue a private adoption action. They cited S.C. Code § 63-9-60(A)(1) which allows any SC resident to petition the court to adopt a child, but disallows it when DSS has already placed the child for adoption. The Dalsings argued that they were, in fact, participating in accordance with this law.

Their grounds were that DSS had yet to place the child up for adoption when the Dalsings filed their TPR petition. DSS argued that the word “placed” in the statute refers to when the child is first placed in DSS’s custody. However, the court stated that this term actually refers to the selection of the adoption family.

Thus, in accordance with the statute, DSS had not yet placed the child for adoption. The court reversed the decision and remanded it back to the family court.

Adopting your Foster Child

The SC Supreme Court’s decision in Boulware loosens the limitation set for foster parents seeking to adopt a child. Specifically, regarding the meaning of the word “placed” in the statute. Therefore, if you’re considering adoption of your foster child, it’s important to familiarize yourself with the laws as you pursue the action. The best way to do so, is to find a family attorney to aid you in understanding the laws, and taking the necessary steps. We wish you luck in this endeavor, and offer our support if you might need it. No child deserves to be left behind, especially by the actions of their parents. What you’re doing is a fantastic thing. While it may be difficult, nothing worth it is ever easy…