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Mistakes Parents Make During Divorce

There’s no perfect how-to guide for parents after divorce. You’ll make mistakes, there will inevitably be tears and headaches— but you’ll be better for it all in the end. But, sometimes you just need a little help, everyone does. So, we’re here to help you decipher the mistakes parents make when going through the proceedings of a divorce. As we said, there will be mistakes— but maybe you can learn a little something from us.

Mistakes Parents Make During Divorce

Overcompensating

You feel bad, of course you do. A divorce is a pretty tough thing to put your kids through, but that doesn’t mean you should buy them a bunch of stuff. While you might think it helps to ease the pain, it only makes it more evident. Kids are quite receptive, and providing a momentary distraction from what is at hand will do just that. Divorce is already an expensive endeavor.

Ranting on Social Media

Going off about how terrible your former spouse is on social media as a means of venting and making them look bad can potentially come back and bite you during the proceedings. Anything and everything you do during the proceedings can have an effect on the outcome. Any time you are considering doing something while you’re on track for a divorce, ask yourself— would I want this dissected in front of a judge?

Using Children as Leverage

It is not uncommon that one parent will leave the home as you prepare to divorce. It is also not uncommon that the other parent will act as a gatekeeper towards the children. But the problem with this is that you do not have the right to keep children from their other parent. Barring a dangerous circumstance, both parents still have equal share of their children. Using the children to get what you want from the other parent, or as a means of retaliation— can come back to bite you during custody proceedings.

Not Admitting They Need Help

Going at the process of divorce on your own can be really tough. Every day is a battle, you’re feeling down, and we all need someone to turn to. If you don’t have a close friend you can turn to, seeking professional help isn’t a bad idea. No one should have to face this on their own, and sometimes having a source of sorting through your grief is just the right medicine.

Transition Day: Painless Custody Swaps

Transition day for child custody is always tough and a bit awkward, especially in the beginning. You don’t know what to say, there might be anger there, and you’re left trying to make the best of the trade-off for your children. Navigating that time spent is tough. And if you and your former spouse had a rockier-than-normal divorce— it can be downright disheartening. So we’re gonna help you navigate it from the do’s, to the don’ts. No one said you had to be good at this, but here’s to trying.

Transition Day: Making the Best of Your Custody Swap
The Do’s

Keep transition day low-key. Don’t make a huge deal out of the entire day, treat it just like any other! Create rituals around it. Maybe you always do breakfast with your child on the way to meet up, or you play road games. Create a tradition that makes you both look forward to that time instead of dreading it. It’s not uncommon that the custody swap-off is dreaded more by the parents than the child.

Put on a happy face. I know, I know. You don’t want to, but there comes a time when we all have to do things we don’t want to. Especially when you have kids. This time is about them, so make it painless. You don’t have to communicate again until the child returns, so do your best to manage this moment. Reward your own good behavior with a glass of wine or a nice, solid scream in the empty car afterwards. Ya done good, mom/dad.

The Don’ts

Don’t guilt trip your child. While you might not think you do it, the ‘mommy is going to miss you soooo much’ or the ‘call me every day’ puts a lot of pressure on the child. We know you’ll miss your child, but saying it over and over again can make them feel guilty about wanting to spend time with their other parent. This time is for them and their other parent, honor that just as you would want the other parent to. And enjoy your alone time!!! Most parents would kill for a quiet weekend, don’t feel bad for enjoying it.

Don’t interrupt the other parents time. Don’t call/text/email every day. As we’ve said, enjoy your time and let them enjoy theirs. Constantly reminding your child of you can make them feel bad, or ruin the quality of the time spent with the other parent. If there is an emergency, call the other parent. If the child wants to call and say goodnight, let them. But don’t put pressure on the situation.

Enjoy. Your. Time. 

Breaking Divorce News to the Grandkids

Gray divorce has become quite a trend in today’s society. Oftentimes, couples will choose to stay together for the kids, and then by the time they get around to divorcing each other— there are grandkids, retirement, and 401k’s to consider. Divorcing at a later age has plenty of additional challenges. But, one of the toughest ones— is divorcing grandparents.

No grandparent wants to see those sad eyes on their grandkids, but when it comes to finding your own happiness— sometimes it’s just essential. So, we’re going to help you navigate how to tell them about your divorce, what to say, and why you cannot feel bad for choosing to honor yourself after so many years.

When Grandparents Divorce: Telling the Grandkids
Start by telling your own children first

It is important that you do not blindside your own children with this at the same time as your grandchildren. While they are adults, it is possible that they’ve looked up to your marriage for some time. You might not expect an adverse reaction, but there is the possibility of one. Therefore, take the grandchildren out of the equation and let adult children digest it first. This will help you all go in as a united front when the time comes. In doing this, you honor your relationship with your children first. Not to mention, you make sure that their tears and reaction don’t cause a mass panic amongst the children.

Then, plan a dialogue with your children that will be most effective with the grandchildren

You know your grandkids. You know their trigger points, how they process emotion, and how to handle them. Make sure you honor that from child to child. Telling your grandchildren about a divorce can be just as traumatizing as telling them about a divorce amongst their own parents.

The same questions arise: “what did I do to cause this?” “Are mom and dad getting a divorce too?” “Do you not love each other anymore?” Kids sometimes ask the tough questions— those ones you might not want to answer. But, being open with them to the extent of answering their questions, but not going too far is important.

You want them to understand just as much as they understand. But you have to find a way to convey your message without being nasty to each other. This is why we suggest planning a dialogue with your own children first. There might be certain topics they want you to avoid, or address.

Know that everyone will be just fine

There is no doubt that there will be sadness, and maybe some tears. But, in the long run, no one will blame either of you for honoring your needs. You are the driving force for this family, the matriarch and patriarch, but that doesn’t mean you have to be completely selfless. You are grandparents, but that doesn’t make you not human. If a divorce is what you need, and you both have come to an agreement— all the nitty gritty stuff will be worth the end result. We wish you luck as you navigate these tricky times.

The Difficulties of Proving Adultery

Proving Adultery is Not New. The Concept Has Been Around a Long, Long Time

Adultery is a part of human history. It also has many meanings. South Carolina law has narrowed the definition slightly.

Early South Carolina cases such as Hull v. Hull define adultery as “illicit intercourse of two persons, one of whom, at least, is married.” However, the court of appeals has held that intercourse isn’t the final test for adultery. If the facts suggest adultery, sexual intimacy is enough. This includes both physical acts and the partners’ intent.

South Carolina’s Test to Prove Adultery

Therefore, South Carolina uses a two-pronged test to deal with alleged adultery. Courts sift through the facts and then decide if adultery occurred.

The first prong of the test is motive. Thus, one spouse must have had sexual desire for another person. Proving this is a tough task. However, modern technology makes the task much easier.  Emails, texts, and social media posts provide glimpses into the mind of the spouse. Social media especially plays a growing role as evidence of adultery. Because the evidence is available to everyone on the internet, social media posts are often seen and saved by other parties.

The second prong of the test is opportunity. To prove this, the accusing party must show that their spouse was spending time alone with their lover. Thus, one must prove that the couple had the chance to engage in a sexual act. The facts are very important for this prong. South Carolina courts require that proof be “sufficiently definite to establish the place and time.” One instance of hearsay simply isn’t enough.

Remember, in SC Family Law, you must meet these two prongs for adultery. A lawyer can look at your facts and decide how hard it will be proving adultery in your case.

Step Parent Prosperity: Finding Your Groove in Year One

Being a step parent is tough. You’re left to figure out where the boundaries lie, what is expected of you, and how you can come into a more active role in the family as it constantly shifts. Being a step parent has its own set of turmoil. Especially in that first year, and we’re here for you. You’re not alone, it is as tough as you feel it is, and you’re allowed to be frustrated from time to time.

Step Parent Hacks: Finding Your Place in the Family

In this first year, you’re learning a lot. Every child is different, and if you don’t have any of your own— you’re in a bit more uncharted water than someone bringing their own child into the situation. You’re figuring out a household, you’re getting to know your children, and setting routines with them— without overstepping. It’s tough until you find a groove.

You’re not expected to be a parent to this child

You are, at first, mostly trying to create a bond or a friendship with the child. No one expects you to discipline, or fall into a parental role. Until you figure out where the boundaries lie for the parents, and the child, you’re a bit of a bystander. The best thing you can do is ask both of the parents: “what do you need and expect of me when it comes to the child?” Having this conversation, while it might feel slightly strange, can create a fantastic dynamic between the three of you. It shows an effort on your part to mind their roles as parents. But it also displays a willingness to fall into a role that is helpful to the parents and the child.

It’s okay to put your marriage first as you figure it out

You married into a family, but you also married a person. It’s okay to prioritize them at first— no matter what anyone says. Establishing open lines of communication within which you can tell your spouse, listen, ‘this makes me uncomfortable’, or ‘I need this of you’. Marriage is tough, and the first year growing pains are inevitable— especially when children are involved. You have to find peace within your marriage in order to make it work during the growing pain days.

Be willing to take a backseat at first

The child will come to you. Sometimes it takes a while, and sometimes it feels hopeless. But if you aren’t pushing, and you can provide the kind of support they need from you— you’ll find friendship in no time. Be less active in these scenario’s and know you don’t have to try so hard to be anything but a friend at first. If they start confiding in you, and treating you as more— roll with it!! That’s awesome, but don’t expect too much of them.

Commit

It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, and some days will be better than others. But if you love your husband, and his family, you’ve gotta ride it out from time to time. Marriage, and especially being a step parent, is not always sunshine and rainbows. But if you can celebrate the triumphs, and let go of the little stuff— you’ll find that you have a great spot in all of this. You don’t have the pressure of parenting. But, you do have the chance to create an inseparable bond with the child and your husband, and potentially his ex-spouse.

It’s all about finding your groove together, and letting it be from time to time. We wish you luck as you embark on a journey that will not be easy. But, at the end of the day, it will be extremely rewarding.

Raising a Teenager During Tough Times

Raising a teenager is tough, especially when you’re going through a divorce or custody battle. Emotions are running high, things are changing, and sometimes it’s hard to keep up and keep communicating. There’s no easy route and there’s no piece of advice that will help you through the hard days. In short, you’re dealing with the tough stuff right now. So, we’re here to help. We’re going to give you a few pieces of tried and true advice when it comes to raising a teenager, going through tough times, and not pulling your hair out at the end of the day.

Raising a Teenager During Tough Times

Teenagers are tough. They’re moody, their bodies are changing, and they’re becoming more exposed to the adult world. Stir all that up and add one divorce or custody battle, and you have one tough pill to swallow. There’s no easy way to go about it, and there will inevitably be bad days. But, if you can get them to talk with you and communicate how they’re feeling— you’re a winner in all of our books.

Provide emotional support, but don’t bend the rules

It is important to maintain your boundaries and the non-negotiables. But be sure to also give them the emotional support and closeness they need to feel comfortable. Teenagers are no easy task, but communication and leveling with them from time to time is the only remedy. You have to create that mutual respect when it’s being called into question from time to time. Think about it mom/dad, your baby is growing up. And in a tough time too, cut them some slack. But, also stand firm when need be.

Set aside time for fun

If times have been tough and emotions are running high, get yourselves out and about. See a movie, play laser tag, go to the book store— whatever your mutual interests are, go at them with reckless abandon from time to time. You both need an outlet, believe me.

Talk, teach, but don’t preach

Jumping off of that pedestal and talking to them one-on-one in a way that isn’t judge-y can be quite therapeutic for them. Every now and then we need reminders as parents that our children aren’t little gremlins in a cuter package, and they need the same from us. It’s so easy to become desensitized to each other when you spend a lot of time together. If either of you needs a break to calm down, find your zen space, and then come back together to handle a problem— be able to honor that for each other.

Being able to communicate with your teenager enough for them to say: “I’m not in the right headspace to handle this right now, can we talk in thirty minutes?” would be a heavenly accomplishment for a parent. Aim for that! Establishing lines of communication where you both feel comfortable enough to voice your wants and needs is much more productive than that screaming match you keep having over and over.

Parallel Parenting versus Co-Parenting

Divorced parents face a unique challenge everyday. They have to find a way to be good parents, co-exist, but also move on into a different stage in their life. Because co-parenting after divorce is so difficult, people are trying to reinvent how to do it every day. The newest term we’ve stumbled across? Parallel parenting. Parallel parenting is a little bit different than co-parenting in how it’s done and how the communication takes place. So we’re going to explain it to you, and how it differs from co-parenting.

Parallel Parenting versus Co-Parenting
Co-parenting refers to…

Both parents taking equal responsibility, co-exist peacefully with each other in terms of their children, and communicate as long as necessary when it comes to the kids. Communication is the main key when it comes to co-parenting in a healthy way. But, co-parenting is tough. You have to actively engage with your former spouse. You have to be patient, courteous, and kind until your child reaches an age where they can stand alone.

So, what is parallel parenting?

It’s kind of similar, but not quite. Parallel parenting is a better fit to a set of parents that do not get along so well. This type of arrangement keeps direct contact to a minimum, and lets the parents disengage from each other. Parallel parenting is business-like, and written agreement based. Changes to the schedule are made in writing, personal conversation is off-limits, and the children are the messengers. In short, you are merely parents to the same child and share no acquaintance.

Is one better than the other?

Ultimately, there’s no right answer. If you can co-parent peacefully, I highly suggest it. It shows your child that even though you are separating, that you two can co-exist maturely as adults. It shows your children despite the divorce and your personal feelings, you can  be healthy partners in raising a child.

But, on the other hand, say in a situation where one has cheated on the other— a parallel agreement might be the only way, and that is completely understandable. While your children are a priority, so are your emotions. And no one will blame you for having to completely detach from that person in every way possible.

As we said, there’s no easy answer as every divorce and situation is different. You have to make a decision that honors the well-being of the child, as well as yourselves.

The Benefits of Being A Single Parent

When you hear from a single parent, you almost always hear about the tough stuff. From settling a new home, to having the weight of the family on your shoulders— sometimes it seems that single parenting is all work and no reward. But, that’s not true at all! While keeping your family together was always the plan, it didn’t quite go that way. But, now, you have a whole new chance to make the best of it and get closer to your kids. There are plenty of benefits to being a single parent, so we’re gonna help you look at the bright side.

The Benefits of Being a Single Parent: The Good Things No One Tells You About
You create your own rules without debate

While when it comes to co-parenting, some rules should remain uniform— you also have the luxury of creating your own regimens as well. From when electronics are allowed, to reading before bed every night— what you say, goes. No debate, no parental compromise. What you say, goes and there’s no going back and forth. This is a luxury most people overlook in spite of all the changes. But, come on, what parent has argued with the other over too much time spent in front of the TV?

Your relationship with your children has the opportunity to deepen and become more honest

The illusion of a perfect, idyllic family life has come and gone. But, that is not to say you can’t still be a fantastic single parent to your children. Your marriage is over, sure, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still teach your children a thing or two about it. Obviously before you discuss the separation or the emotions existing within it, you and your spouse should establish ground rules. From what to discuss, to no-fly zones, it is important to do this respectfully. But, you and your children have the opportunity to explore these feelings together and get closer in the process. What you’ve gone through together is unique, and your bond will grow if you can communicate with each other respectfully.

You finally get some of that beautiful, illusive alone time

The first few weekends will be tough, there’s no doubt about that. But, after you get through the growing pains— you’ll start to enjoy them a little bit. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about enjoying your time alone. Most parents would kill for it, and are probably talking down to you out of jealousy. Make the most of that time alone, in any way that you want to. Wanna spend an entire Saturday with chick flicks and a blanket on the couch? Go for it. This time is for you, and it is healing. Quite honestly, it might make you a more patient parent.

You’re a role model for independence

While you might feel as if you’re stumbling through this new stage in life— you’re doing a great job!! You’ve established a home, a regimen, and a way of life for yourself. You’re awesome, and you’re an awesome role model of what independence looks like. It is important to instill good values in your children, and one of the best ones is that of self-sufficiency. Teaching them to be strong on their own, to do for themselves, and provide for their own livelihood is the best lesson you could ever teach your children.

While you might harbor some guilt over the divorce they were involved in, you’re now showing them what it looks like to rise from the ashes on your own. Be proud of that, teach your children to be proud of that. You’re doing a good job, mom/dad.

Maintaining Uniform Rules in Co-parenting

Shuffling the children back and forth from Mom’s house to Dad’s house can be difficult. It’s easy to forget things, it’s hard to keep them in sync, and it’s extremely tough to maintain uniform rules within both households. You might not think that doing so is essential. But, keeping the rules in tune will make a huge difference in making sure that the home fronts are unified, and their isn’t the sordid competition of ‘Mom lets me do….’ or ‘Dad doesn’t make me…’. Creating a set of uniform rules that you each adhere to will make parenting easier and save you the competition.

Maintaining Uniform Rules: Co-parenting made simple

Now, obviously we know there will be some variability from one house to another— and there should be. Certain things such as what chores they have to do, and your own personal routines. But there are other things that should be maintained from one home to another.

Those things should include such rules as: what movies are allowed, curfew, bedtime, when the homework gets done— ultimately, the essentials and the regimen that needs to be maintained. The things that affect their lifestyle— such as homework and bedtime, should be no-debate areas in both homes.

Allow for each parent to parent in their own way while honoring your system

Maintaining those uniforms rules according to lifestyle are important, but so is having some variance. No parent is the same, and no parenting style is either. Keeping the after-school regimen the same, while also having your own hobbies and activities with your child, is extremely important to the relationship. Mom and child start each morning with waffles and the paper. Dad and child go play soccer every day after school.

Creating your little traditions that are unique to you and the child can be something that they look forward to. Something a bit different, so you have that variance from one home to the other. Your child should know that they can have fun with dad in one way, and with mom in the other. But, they should also know but that some things that are not up for change.

Honoring this agreement you both made is important to displaying unity early on in a divorce

Your child, or children, is the main priority when it comes to the relationship between you and the co-parent. While the two of you are no longer together as a couple, you are still a family when it comes to your children. Creating a stable environment for them as they adjust to the shuffling back and forth from one home to the other, is important to showing them that some things are unchanging.

Setting A Healthy Co-Parenting Schedule

As you navigate co-parenting and compromise, it is important that everyone gets their fair share of personal time, as well as time with their children. Aside from making sure the child gets to their activities, to school, and so on— there are other important aspects to make sure you satisfy. Creating a healthy co-parenting schedule, and doing it together, is a fantastic means of getting your feet wet with this new arrangement.

Setting a Healthy Co-Parenting Schedule

You can choose to do this before or after you set a custody agreement, depending on what your priority is. If it’s that of having a court-ordered schedule set before you take the time to organize, that’s fine. Or, you choose to make your schedule before taking it to court. This could also could potentially be very mutually beneficial. If you handle this schedule before deciding how custody should go, each parent might feel a bit better about their end of the deal. Shoot, you might not even end up needing to go before a judge straight away. But how should you go about deciding a schedule? Well, it all starts with cooperation and communication.

Make a list of engagements

From your schedule, the other parents schedule, and the kids. Anything that you know will happen on a consistent basis, plan for it. Divide up responsibilities in a way that allows both parents their personal time, and accommodates the child. The key here is respect. Give the other parent the same respect you are hoping for in honoring everyone’s needs. List it all out, divide it all up, decide where to compromise, and put it in writing.

The agreement must be mutually beneficial

If your agreement is not mutually beneficial, it will create trouble. Part of creating a healthy co-parenting schedule is hearing out the other parent and respecting what they need from this agreement as well. Honor their personal time, their engagements, and their hobbies— quite obviously, they should do the same for you. Dad has bowling league Tuesday nights and works late on Thursdays? See what you can do to accommodate that. Mom has book club Saturday morning and teaches a night class on Monday? Give her the same courtesy. If you can compromise with each other and respect what you each need as well as, doing this agreement together will be much easier and more amicable.

Decide Holidays. Now.

Holidays are always the tough part to handle. Everyone wants them, typically co-parents don’t want to do them together, and the first year is always the hardest. But, if you decide them ahead of time when you’re making this agreement, and when emotion is separated— it will be much easier to honor when the time comes. A good rule of them is if one parent gets Christmas Eve and Christmas, give the other parent Thanksgiving and alternate from there. Whatever works for your family, but deciding ahead of time and honoring it will make all the difference.

Respect the agreement you’ve made

When you finally reach a consensus and your agreement is complete and comprehensive, sign it. Print it, date it, and sign it together. Realize that compromises might have to be made. Dad might have to pick up on Mom’s day from time to time, and vice versa. Be flexible when need be, but have a healthy co-parenting schedule to fall back on when you need it. In the end, you’ll save a headache or ten by deciding what happens and when ahead of time.