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Birds Nest Custody Agreements: New-Wave Shared Custody

The way you and your former spouse handle your custody agreement is entirely up to you. Depending on the type of custody, you and your former spouse are likely dividing your time with the child. Most commonly, each parent will have their separate home and the child will shuffle back and forth between the two. But one method of sharing custody, is by way of birds nest custody. Chances are, you’ve probably not heard of this method— or at least the name. So we’re gonna break it down for you, and explain the potentially great things— and the not so great.

Birds Nest Custody: A Different Approach to Shared Custody

What is it?

Birds nest custody refers to separated or divorced parents who have their own respective homes, but also share a separate home that the child lives in at all points in time. Whoever has custody on their specific time, lives in the house with the child for that period of time.

Pros?

For one, the child has a stable home and is not shuffling between you and their other parents home. They have a set address, a set place to go to, and are never left wondering where they go tonight. Many parents prefer this method because of that specifically. Also, communication is much easier when there is a shared dwelling. Need to tell the other parent something? Leave a note on the fridge. Can’t find the child’s ballet shoes? They are most definitely only in this house. Having a shared place that the child lives permanently is more stable and consistent.

Cons?

For one, this can be very expensive. Think about it— each parent is maintaining a separate home as well as this one. That is added utility bills, housekeeping, and quite unstable for the parent as well when trying to engage in a life of their own. Aside from being expensive for two people to pay for and maintain three homes, this custody agreement can make it extremely difficult when trying to move on. If you find yourself in a serious relationship where you decide to live together— this custody agreement could become quite problematic.

Not to mention, if you and your former spouse and co-parent do not get along that well— this type of agreement will not work out that well. We discussed how birds nest custody makes it much easier to communicate. Because, well, you have to when sharing a home to any degree. But increased communication and maintaining a home together when there is ill-will can be quite a task.

Ultimately, custody agreements depend on what works for the both of you…

While this option is quite plausible when you are flexible and in a good pace with your co-parent— there are a few downfalls worst considering. Custody will work differently for most, and many choose to go the traditional route. But this is always an option worth checking in to!

Staying Together Just for the Kids: Is It Worth It?

When considering a divorce, many couples will making the conscious decision of staying together for the kids. While this is an admirable and selfless choice to make, it begs the question: is that really what’s best for you and your children? Typically, a couple ‘sticking it out’ for the children will go one of three ways: reconciliation, everyone is miserable, or eventual divorce. So, what is the answer? And should you really put your children that far above your own needs and happiness? Our children are often at the center of our universe, but they are not the only factor in it.

Staying Together for the Kids: A Selfless Act?

You have to ask yourself whether the idea of divorce was a result of hard times or a true consideration.

It is not uncommon when facing hard times to question everything. While we are told over and over again that our marriages should be ‘fireproof’, the plain, hard truth is that no one, and no marriage, is perfect. We all face trials, hard times, and angry words from time to time. When hard times hit, it is easy to lose sight of what is important and what brought you together. So, before considering divorce— consider what put the idea in your head.

While your children are the main consideration most of the time, a divorce is quite personal to you and your spouse. Tracking down the reasons behind why that word popped into your head should be step one before even thinking about how the children and the possible divorce fall into the equation.

Will avoiding divorce versus an unhappy marriage be better for your kids?

Children are smart and quite receptive. No matter the age, they can sense turmoil and stress to a certain degree. But, you must realize that you are their models for what love and marriage look like. Now, you must ask yourself, is your version of marriage and love the one you want your children modeling after?

Part of being a parent is being a role model. While you might think your children are entirely their own people, they are also learning from you. Part of honoring that, is honoring yourself and what you need. A divorce, while nasty and grueling, is not the end of the world. Your children might act out and feel upset about it for a period of time. But through time and age, they will begin to understanding what an important decision this was for you, personally.

Most of these couples will likely divorce further down the line

While some couples might stay together for the kids now, they will often divorce later on down the road. Gray divorces are becoming quite common amongst empty nesters who feel that now their children can handle it. Putting off these divorces until you’re older can cause a number of issues. From life insurance policies, retirement, and becoming independent much later on in life.

There are many factors to consider

Obviously we are not encouraging divorce as your first choice. But acknowledging that an empty marriage is no better for anyone is quite important. Ultimately, you have to consider what you and your spouse need from each other, and from life, to be happy and to do best by their children. Staying together with your children as the only thing to hold you together can be unhealthy for every one of you. In the end, a divorce is a decision to take your time with.

Reminders for Your First Year as a Divorcee

In your first year as a divorcee, there is a lot to be learned. From living alone, to dividing time with the kids, and dating again— there are a lot of firsts to be had and mistakes to be made. There’s no shame in this, you’re in uncharted territory. To be honest, when you’re on the outside looking in on this situation, it is easy to say that someone is doing it wrong or doing it right. But really, this first year should be all about you (and your kids if you have them, obviously) and there is no right way to do it.

So we’re here to give you a list of things to reminders for your first year as a newly divorced single. From discarding bad advice, to developing a routine of self-love and care— there are a few things that you need to remember and do just for you.

Reminders for Your First Year as a Divorcee: You’re NOT Doing It Wrong

#1 Dating Isn’t Terrible

The one thing you always hear married folk say is: “dating in this day and age sounds terrible,” and sure, we’ve all had our fair share of bad dates— but dating is not terrible. You’re meeting new people, you’re exploring yourself, and you’re having fun. None of that is terrible just because it isn’t comfortable.

#2 You Don’t Have to Hold it Together

Be mad. Sad. Happy. Be whatever is comfortable. As we’ve said, this time is new for you. You are entitled to feel however the hell it is that you need to feel. There is no shame in spending two days in bed, just remember to bathe before entering the outside world. There is also no shame in going out and having a wild night with your girlfriends (or guy friends. Hello to whoever is out there reading this), just make sure that you or someone else is getting you home safe.

#3 Your Relationship With Your Kids is Not On the Rocks Forever

Sure, there is always that period of weirdness. For everyone. Your kids might act out, they might be confused, but communicating with them about what’s happening is healthy. Being able to share how you’re feeling and letting them do the same, can be therapeutic. Remember that your children are learning from how you handle situations such as these. Being open, being close, and being honest can really help both you and your children to develop stronger relationships with each other and with others.

#4 You Did Not Fail

Your marriage is over, your marriage failed. You as a person, did not fail. Don’t beat yourself up about this for months and months to come. The process of divorce is grueling enough, putting yourself through the ringer in this first year, which is already tough enough, isn’t going to make you feel better.

#5 Focus on What You’ve Gained

A divorce is not all about the bad stuff. Think about it, you and your ex have decided to put yourselves first for once. While the road to this point might have been bumpy, you’ve gained a lot in what you lost. You have an independence, a fresh start, and a chance to create something new. Make the most of this, and focus in on the good stuff.

Healthy Co-Parenting: Keeping Children OUT of the Middle

A big problem many divorced couples run into is that their child is caught in the middle. Whether this is intentional, or unintentional— it is unhealthy for the child. Healthy co-parenting honors the needs of the child, versus using the child as a means of hashing out old grudges or self-interest. While the parent often unintentionally projects their feelings onto the child, that does not mean you cannot avoid it.

So, these are a few things to keep in mind, and to make a mental checklist of. That way, you know that you are giving your child, yourself, and the other parent— the best shot at making it out of this with each part of the family feeling as if they didn’t get the raw end of the deal.

Healthy Co-parenting: Keeping your Kids OUT of the Middle

Why is this so essential?

Your children are very receptive. A lot of factors very depending on their age range, but this does not. From the time they are very young, children are intuitive and understanding of your emotions. As they grow older, they become better at rationalizing and reacting to how they feel. But, no matter the age, they can get a sense for how things are going.

If things are not going so well, or the environment is hostile— children will begin to act out. We’ve previously discussed short-term and long-term side effects of divorce and they begin with instances such as these. Those moments where you speak ill of the other parent, or are arguing in front of them. Children, especially younger children, cannot entirely make sense of what is happening. In turn, they will often place blame on themselves or seek attention in a number of ways. Therefore, maintaining an environment that is stable, and as unchanging as possible— can be inherently positive for both you and the child.

Avoid treating your child as a messenger or a ‘spy’

Acting in this way, while it might seem innocent to you, relays the message to the child that they are responsible for how the two of you treat and view each other. Asking your child, “Is daddy bringing anyone over while you’re there?” or something along the lines of: “did mommy say anything about daddy while you were visiting?” Asking a child leading questions, or prompting the child to feed you information— takes advantage of the child. While this puts pressure on the child, it also disallows a genuine experience for the child and the parent they are visiting. In short, when a child or a parent knows they are walking on eggshells— it can put a strain on the relationships all around.

Do not ask a child to keep secrets from the other parent

On the flip side of our previous statement: do not ask a child to censor themselves. While there should not be anything going on that the child should have to keep from the other parent— posing the idea should still be against the guidelines you set for yourselves. Something as simple as giving the child candy before bed, should never be followed by “don’t tell mom/dad.”

Creating a united front is imperative to both parents, as well as to the child. Healthy co-parenting is all in treating each other, and the child, with a mutual respect, and honoring the bonds each of you have with your child.

Potential Long-Term Effects: Children and Divorce

We’ve discussed the examples of short-term effects, so, now we’ll take a look at the potential long-term effects that can be a result of divorce for children. Keep in mind as you read them, because some are pretty harrowing, that each child will react differently. There is no one way to expect them to act. They are experiencing the divorce in a different way than you are, and making sure those lines of communication are open, can make a huge difference for how they interpret and react to what is happening.

Potential long-term effects of divorce on children

Drug or alcohol addiction

One of the common short term effects for children of divorce is to lash out in ways that will gain attention or dull their pain. Depending on the age group that the child is in, alcohol or drugs are one surefire way to do it. Therefore a dependence has a much higher chance of developing. This is very much based off of how your child reacts, and their age group. But, it is important to recognize the signs early on.

Get Married or have Children Very Early

If you speak to a teenager or young adult who was in the middle of a nasty divorce, often times you will hear them say: “I just want a normal family” or “I just want to do it better”. Children who experienced a separated family will often feel an urge to create a unified family of their own quicker than your average teenager.

But, on the flip side of this, children of divorced parents are much more likely (statistically) to experience a divorce for themselves. Therefore the chances of both having children early, but also divorcing early— are very high.

Anxiety

When a child is witness to a nasty divorce, they are often left feeling torn between two parents. Therefore, anxiety is a common side effect. No matter the age, if the setting is hostile a child will become anxious. From the decisions they must make, to which parent they spend their time with, and the ever dreaded holidays.

Holidays for divorced families are quite different, especially when the relationship between two parents is strained. Anxiety is by no means uncommon, and most people experience it to some extent. But, watching out for the characteristics might help you aid the problem more quickly. Such as sleep problems, distancing themselves, getting into trouble, hair loss, etc.

Developing Strong Relationships

Keep in mind that there are a lot of good potential long-term effects that can come from these situations. Ultimately, every child and parent will handle divorce differently, and the reaction can be inherently positive. When you and your spouse can create display of unity, maintain communication, and show the child that what is happening here is not ideal— but it is not the end of the world, they can grow from the situation.

It is all in how a child portrays the message. If you are showing them that this marriage is ending because it was not healthy in the right ways— they can learn from that. They can begin to understand what is healthy in a marriage and instill those values for themselves.

Short Term Side Effects: Divorce and Children

When you introduce the idea of an impending divorce to your children, they might react in a number of ways. The short term side effects of divorce on your children can have a huge range— and we do mean it when we say there is no guide that will fit your exact situation. So, here is a basic list of reactions you might expect and find ways to circumvent. No divorce is perfect, and neither is any reaction. So, the best thing you can do is prepare for them!

Short Term Side Effects of Divorce on Children

Lashing Out

Lashing out is, more simply put, acting outside of the child’s norm, is a very common response to stress. Especially divorce related stress. This might come in form of screaming, sneaking out, drinking, drugs, coloring on the walls…— this will all depend on the age group that they are in. But most commonly— a child will act out by doing things to intentionally hurt one or both parents (usually whoever they associate the most blame with).

Isolating Themselves

It is not uncommon for a child to want to be alone during a time like this. Think about it—their whole world is shifting before their eyes. Sometimes, a child might just feel like the only person who understands is themselves. Therefore, they isolate. Maybe the aren’t talking to friends, or they aren’t talking to you— or they aren’t talking to anyone. Either way, it is normal but make sure you are engaging with them. In short, try. It won’t be easy, but making a move to open those lines of communication will be super helpful in making sure this short-term set of feelings don’t turn into something larger.

Denial

Another common response is to deny that this is even happening. Maybe the child is making moves to try and reconcile the relationship, or play matchmaker with the two of you. Or is hesitant to accepting that change is coming. By playing along, you might be further convincing that child that change might come and they have influence over changing it. It is best to have a conversation with the child, at this point, to make sure that everyone is on the same page about the pending changes. While it won’t be easy, you’re sparing your child the heartache and hope if they sense that they have an effect on your decision.

Lack of Concentration

A lot is going on at home. For a child, this can severely impact their ability to focus in other aspects of life. It can be purposeful or subconscious, but you will often see the signs first in school work or day to day activities. From grades dropping, bad progress reports, a lack of interest in normal extracurriculars. Honestly, it is not an uncommon response to such a big change. While it is not ideal, speaking with their teacher and explaining the situation might help her to apply some leniency to how she handles things. While this would not normally be the appropriate way to go with other instances— this one is quite extenuating.

Guilt

Last of all, your child might be feeling some degree of guilt over what is happening. Especially when a child is younger, they might associate things they have done with the current situation. If they are feeling this way, often they won’t express it. But, in turn, they might begin to feel remorseful, responsible, and depressed for the way that things are going. This is part of why communication about the ‘why and what’ is so important. For a child to feel as if they are responsible, is a heavy burden to bear. Therefore, they might act out in ways that reflect these feelings.

The key in all of these different short term side effects is communication and expectation

Expect that your child will act out and respond in a number of ways. Communicate that this is not their fault, theirs to handle, or theirs to carry the load for. A child’s mind is complex and constantly changing, and a reaction is only natural. But establishing those feelings, finding ways to comfortably talk about them, and allowing your child to vent— these are all important ways of making sure everyone comes out on the other end of this thing feeling as healthy and happy as possible.

Intimacy During Divorce: The Implications

As you go through a divorce, it is not uncommon to begin exploring what else is out there. But, what you might now know is that, the implications of intimacy during divorce proceedings can have legal, as well as emotional repercussions depending on who you’re being intimate with and at what time. Understanding the consequences is very important to making the conscious decision whether to go forth, or abstain, from intimate acts until your divorce is finalized.

Intimacy during Divorce Proceedings: The Implications of Sexual Relations

Whether you’re considering relations with your almost-former spouse, or with someone completely new— there are a few things to keep in mind before you go forth. When it comes to a separated spouse, the emotional implications are much higher. When it comes to a new partner? The legal implications should definitely be a factor.

Intimacy With Your Separated Spouse

As we said, the emotional implications are much higher here. For instance, if you have children and they are aware of your divorce, it can be incredibly confusing to see dad or mom leaving the house early in the morning. you can imagine where their minds might go: mom and dad are getting back together, all of this is over, and so on. In short, it can give them (and you or your spouse) false hope about what’s to come.

It is also extremely confusing to one or both spouses. When you’re doing something so personal together, during a time that is so raw for you both, can cause a lot of problems. Often, at least one of the two spouses will become emotionally invested once again. The thing about divorce is that more often than not, they are not mutual. Usually, one person is coming to the other and saying “I want a divorce.” The other person is usually feeling at least some confusion and a multitude of feelings.

When you begin sleeping together again, it can cloud the way in which you proceed.

Lastly, when it comes to making decisions about how to proceed after you’ve been intimate, there is no easy way. Now that you are reengaged, the decisions you make are bound to be more emotional and cloudy. Especially if you in particular, are not feeling right about how you’ve left things. In short, having sexual relations with your to-be former spouse can cause a number of problems for you personally. Not to mention, your family, and your proceedings.

When it comes to intimacy with someone new, there are a lot of different things to figure out. From legal proceedings, to emotional decisions— there is a lot at stake. Find out more about it here.

Combatting Divorce Related Stress through Sports

As you go through a divorce, or face the aftermath of it— it’s important to find ways to combat stress. One great way to combat divorce related stress is through sports. This gives you a chance to rejoin the community, let out some anger, and get your mind off of everything that has been going on. If you think about it, this is actually a perfect way to get back in the swing on things. By getting yourself up and moving, there are plenty of things that you can improve or rediscover at this new stage in your life.

Why to Combat Divorce Related Stress through Sports

Stress Relief

Exercise is an excellent means of releasing stress. Your body is working, your mind is occupied and you’re feeling good. Finding outlets for the stress and anger that you’re feeling is essential. Getting all of those endorphins pumping will be great for your body and mind, no matter if your sport of choice is solitary (like running) or group sports (such as football, soccer, baseball). Although group sports are much better at keeping your mind off of things.

Occupies Your Mind

Sports are a great distractor when you need one. You have an objective to focus on, a goal in mind, and a group of people to do it with. Finding a set of people that you can play sports with is a great means of combatting stress. Not to mention, it is a fantastic means of getting yourself back out there. Make some new friends, find a rec team in your local community— all in all, having that goal to focus on (literally) can help ease those anxieties and help your mind get out of its funk.

Quality of Sleep

Arguably one of the best perks associated with sports is that you’ll find a new quality of sleep once again. One of the most common side effects of divorce related stress is a lack of quality sleep. Most people find themselves tossing and turning, playing events over in their head, and worrying about what’s to come. By getting involved in heavy exercise once again, you’ll find yourself knocking out like a light a little easier than usual.

Improve Your Mood

Lastly, sports can be all outlet for anger, aggression, and pent-up energy. By getting yourself active, especially in a sport that is high-octane (say, boxing or football), you will have an appropriate way to release those energies in an acceptable setting. By getting yourself involved in these, you’ll be able to find a healthy means of combatting your stress.

Appealing Attorney Fees in South Carolina Family Law

SC allows a court to award attorney fees to one party at the conclusion of a case. There are some factors a court considers, but the court has discretion. However, the losing party may want to appeal attorney fees if they do not agree with the award. Buist v. Buist tells us when appealing attorney fees is proper.

What Happened in the Case

Husband and Wife married and had one kid. Wife filed for divorce eight years later. The divorce was a no-fault divorce. After the final hearing, Wife’s attorney requested $15,000 in attorney fees. Husband did not object to this request. But, he did submit his own fee request for an earlier rule to show cause motion. In the final decree, the court ordered Husband to pay $8,000 towards Wife’s attorney fees and costs. Wife also had to pay for Husband’s fees of $3,050. Husband appealed the award of attorney fees for Wife. The court denied his motion.

Husband then appealed to the court of appeals. The court of appeals affirmed the family court on the grounds Husband did not preserve his appeal. Husband did not challenge Wife’s request for fees. Thus, the family court never ruled on the issue. Therefore, he could not appeal the issue. Husband then appealed the SC Supreme Court.

The Supreme Court agreed with the Court of Appeals. However, the Court disagreed with the test that the court of appeals used. The Court found that Husband’s motion to reconsider was a timely challenge. He did not need to challenge the request when Wife made it. Thus, Husband could appeal the issue. But, the Court found that Husband did not appeal the right issue. He appealed the time frame given to pay the fees and not the amount of the award. Thus, Husband was not specific enough, and he did not preserve the right issue on appeal.

Appealing Attorney Fees

If you do not like a court’s ruling, appealing attorney fees may be the right choice. Even if you lose the first time, you can then appeal that issue after the hearing.

Establishing New Holiday Traditions

Establishing new holiday traditions after divorce can be tricky. You have to find ways to honor old traditions, create exciting and new ones, and be flexible in when and how you do them. The holidays are tough, especially for children of divorce. It always seems that someone gets the short end of the stick— whether be one of the parents, or the child. So, what can you do to prevent this? The truth is, there’s no easy answer. Discovering what works for you and your newly divided family is no easy task. So, we’ve devised a quick list of some things to do, and things to avoid, as you prepare these new blended family traditions.

Establishing New Holiday Traditions: Making the Most of Changing Times

A blended family is defined as a family comprised of both sides of the previous marriage. Take Dad, for example, and his new girlfriend or wife and her children. Then mom, has her husband and their children. So, in short, a blended family is a mix of all avenues of the divorced family. Creating new traditions can be a way of helping the family reintegrate and helping the child remain adjusted.

Tip 1: Keep it simple

Remember that traditions don’t have to be big and grand. They can be something as simple as the same tablecloth every birthday, or the same tree topper at both houses. Traditions are what you make them, and usually the smaller the tradition— the more meaningful. It’s the remembrances that make the difference. Especially as you and your children adjust to the changes that come along with divorced, and blended, families.

Tip 2: Honor traditions old and new

Having rituals and traditions that you can honor, while also creating ones unique to your changing family helps harbor that excitement your children most likely associate with the holidays. Finding ways to blend those former happy times into a promise of new ones is a great way to provide a united front while also establishing things unique to each household that you can both enjoy. Use the holidays as an opportunity to feel out co-parenting is fantastic. This is ‘the most wonderful time of the year’, especially for children. So, making the most of that in any way you can— is always a good idea.

Tip 3: Be flexible

Remember that the holiday season and cheer should not be allocated to one, single day. Dad has Christmas this year? Extend the season!!! Who says you have to do Christmas when other people do? Maybe you have to celebrate on the 28th this year— the key is being unselfish, understanding, and going with the flow of things. Times are changing, use this as your chance for establishing new holiday traditions just for yourself!