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Category: children

Positive Lessons Children Learn From Witnessing Divorce

Divorce is a grueling process for everyone involved, especially children. It is not uncommon that parents will feel as if they’ve failed their children by putting them through these tough times. But, it’s not all that bad in the end. Children are resilient creatures, and they’re constantly absorbing the world around them. So, that means they’re learning from you. And we’re going to walk you through some of the positive lessons children learn from witnessing divorce. As we said, they’re constantly observing and learning. So let them learn from you, and the strength you have as you face one of the toughest times of your life. Mom/Dad— you’ve got this.

Positive Lessons Children Learn From Witnessing Divorce
No marriage, or person, is perfect— not even Mom and Dad

This is one of the most important positive lessons children learn from divorce. never expect perfection from anyone, because they aren’y capable of it. Especially when it comes to marriage. There will be tests, trials, and hard time— you guys didn’t make it. But that doesn’t mean the right marriage won’t. Being open with your children as they get older and explaining what went wrong can be therapeutic to them. Not to mention, helpful as they march into adult life and relationships. Of course, before you do this— you should discuss it with your former spouse. You guys didn’t get it right, but that doesn’t mean marriage is a failed institution.

Change is a part of life…

You can never expect there not to be a disruption in life. Take nothing for granted, and keep going. There will be missteps, there will be failures— but it is all part of life. While this time is tough, it will help them to become more adaptable and vocal in life. When your parents are separated, you more often have to voice what you need and how you feel. You are left to develop more critical thinking skills, and to ask for what you want. Introducing change, while this one is not ideal, helps your children to become more resilient and strong.

…and life goes on

As we said, your children become more adaptable. While life is different, it is not necessarily worse. There might be growing pains, and tough days, but once everyone figures themselves out— you’ll fall into a groove. It’s different, but that’s part of life. Time marches on and things change, but you learn to adjust and change with the times. Having adaptability and being flexible is a great trait to have in the workplace, in relationships, and in general.

It’s okay to be emotional and outspoken

Ask for what you want, explain how you feel— and don’t feel sorry for it. This is part of divorce. You’re choosing to speak up, make changes, and engage with your emotions. As we’ve said, divorce is an emotional process. You don’t have to hide this from your children. It’s okay if mom/dad is feeling sad today. Make your children understand that these emotions are human, and it’s okay to express them. You’re crafting more compassionate future adults who aren’t afraid to express how they feel. Too many people are afraid to do so— this is a great lesson. 

It’s okay to make a decision for yourself once in a while

This one will take some time and reflection a bit later in life, but when your children get to know you as adults and understand the divorce— they will come to understand that being a parent is, a lot of times, a selfless act. You spend years of your life catering to another human being and making the right decisions for them. Choosing divorce, and yourself, is not mean or terrible. It is a decision you have to make for yourself from time to time. It is, in a way, a selfish decision. But selfish is not always a bad thing. Selfish sometimes means you choose yourself and what you need over that of everyone else. You needed to be happier, healthier, and in control. Making that decision is courageous and bold.

Step Parent Prosperity: Finding Your Groove in Year One

Being a step parent is tough. You’re left to figure out where the boundaries lie, what is expected of you, and how you can come into a more active role in the family as it constantly shifts. Being a step parent has its own set of turmoil. Especially in that first year, and we’re here for you. You’re not alone, it is as tough as you feel it is, and you’re allowed to be frustrated from time to time.

Step Parent Hacks: Finding Your Place in the Family

In this first year, you’re learning a lot. Every child is different, and if you don’t have any of your own— you’re in a bit more uncharted water than someone bringing their own child into the situation. You’re figuring out a household, you’re getting to know your children, and setting routines with them— without overstepping. It’s tough until you find a groove.

You’re not expected to be a parent to this child

You are, at first, mostly trying to create a bond or a friendship with the child. No one expects you to discipline, or fall into a parental role. Until you figure out where the boundaries lie for the parents, and the child, you’re a bit of a bystander. The best thing you can do is ask both of the parents: “what do you need and expect of me when it comes to the child?” Having this conversation, while it might feel slightly strange, can create a fantastic dynamic between the three of you. It shows an effort on your part to mind their roles as parents. But it also displays a willingness to fall into a role that is helpful to the parents and the child.

It’s okay to put your marriage first as you figure it out

You married into a family, but you also married a person. It’s okay to prioritize them at first— no matter what anyone says. Establishing open lines of communication within which you can tell your spouse, listen, ‘this makes me uncomfortable’, or ‘I need this of you’. Marriage is tough, and the first year growing pains are inevitable— especially when children are involved. You have to find peace within your marriage in order to make it work during the growing pain days.

Be willing to take a backseat at first

The child will come to you. Sometimes it takes a while, and sometimes it feels hopeless. But if you aren’t pushing, and you can provide the kind of support they need from you— you’ll find friendship in no time. Be less active in these scenario’s and know you don’t have to try so hard to be anything but a friend at first. If they start confiding in you, and treating you as more— roll with it!! That’s awesome, but don’t expect too much of them.

Commit

It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, and some days will be better than others. But if you love your husband, and his family, you’ve gotta ride it out from time to time. Marriage, and especially being a step parent, is not always sunshine and rainbows. But if you can celebrate the triumphs, and let go of the little stuff— you’ll find that you have a great spot in all of this. You don’t have the pressure of parenting. But, you do have the chance to create an inseparable bond with the child and your husband, and potentially his ex-spouse.

It’s all about finding your groove together, and letting it be from time to time. We wish you luck as you embark on a journey that will not be easy. But, at the end of the day, it will be extremely rewarding.

Parallel Parenting versus Co-Parenting

Divorced parents face a unique challenge everyday. They have to find a way to be good parents, co-exist, but also move on into a different stage in their life. Because co-parenting after divorce is so difficult, people are trying to reinvent how to do it every day. The newest term we’ve stumbled across? Parallel parenting. Parallel parenting is a little bit different than co-parenting in how it’s done and how the communication takes place. So we’re going to explain it to you, and how it differs from co-parenting.

Parallel Parenting versus Co-Parenting
Co-parenting refers to…

Both parents taking equal responsibility, co-exist peacefully with each other in terms of their children, and communicate as long as necessary when it comes to the kids. Communication is the main key when it comes to co-parenting in a healthy way. But, co-parenting is tough. You have to actively engage with your former spouse. You have to be patient, courteous, and kind until your child reaches an age where they can stand alone.

So, what is parallel parenting?

It’s kind of similar, but not quite. Parallel parenting is a better fit to a set of parents that do not get along so well. This type of arrangement keeps direct contact to a minimum, and lets the parents disengage from each other. Parallel parenting is business-like, and written agreement based. Changes to the schedule are made in writing, personal conversation is off-limits, and the children are the messengers. In short, you are merely parents to the same child and share no acquaintance.

Is one better than the other?

Ultimately, there’s no right answer. If you can co-parent peacefully, I highly suggest it. It shows your child that even though you are separating, that you two can co-exist maturely as adults. It shows your children despite the divorce and your personal feelings, you can  be healthy partners in raising a child.

But, on the other hand, say in a situation where one has cheated on the other— a parallel agreement might be the only way, and that is completely understandable. While your children are a priority, so are your emotions. And no one will blame you for having to completely detach from that person in every way possible.

As we said, there’s no easy answer as every divorce and situation is different. You have to make a decision that honors the well-being of the child, as well as yourselves.

The Benefits of Being A Single Parent

When you hear from a single parent, you almost always hear about the tough stuff. From settling a new home, to having the weight of the family on your shoulders— sometimes it seems that single parenting is all work and no reward. But, that’s not true at all! While keeping your family together was always the plan, it didn’t quite go that way. But, now, you have a whole new chance to make the best of it and get closer to your kids. There are plenty of benefits to being a single parent, so we’re gonna help you look at the bright side.

The Benefits of Being a Single Parent: The Good Things No One Tells You About
You create your own rules without debate

While when it comes to co-parenting, some rules should remain uniform— you also have the luxury of creating your own regimens as well. From when electronics are allowed, to reading before bed every night— what you say, goes. No debate, no parental compromise. What you say, goes and there’s no going back and forth. This is a luxury most people overlook in spite of all the changes. But, come on, what parent has argued with the other over too much time spent in front of the TV?

Your relationship with your children has the opportunity to deepen and become more honest

The illusion of a perfect, idyllic family life has come and gone. But, that is not to say you can’t still be a fantastic single parent to your children. Your marriage is over, sure, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still teach your children a thing or two about it. Obviously before you discuss the separation or the emotions existing within it, you and your spouse should establish ground rules. From what to discuss, to no-fly zones, it is important to do this respectfully. But, you and your children have the opportunity to explore these feelings together and get closer in the process. What you’ve gone through together is unique, and your bond will grow if you can communicate with each other respectfully.

You finally get some of that beautiful, illusive alone time

The first few weekends will be tough, there’s no doubt about that. But, after you get through the growing pains— you’ll start to enjoy them a little bit. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about enjoying your time alone. Most parents would kill for it, and are probably talking down to you out of jealousy. Make the most of that time alone, in any way that you want to. Wanna spend an entire Saturday with chick flicks and a blanket on the couch? Go for it. This time is for you, and it is healing. Quite honestly, it might make you a more patient parent.

You’re a role model for independence

While you might feel as if you’re stumbling through this new stage in life— you’re doing a great job!! You’ve established a home, a regimen, and a way of life for yourself. You’re awesome, and you’re an awesome role model of what independence looks like. It is important to instill good values in your children, and one of the best ones is that of self-sufficiency. Teaching them to be strong on their own, to do for themselves, and provide for their own livelihood is the best lesson you could ever teach your children.

While you might harbor some guilt over the divorce they were involved in, you’re now showing them what it looks like to rise from the ashes on your own. Be proud of that, teach your children to be proud of that. You’re doing a good job, mom/dad.

Maintaining Uniform Rules in Co-parenting

Shuffling the children back and forth from Mom’s house to Dad’s house can be difficult. It’s easy to forget things, it’s hard to keep them in sync, and it’s extremely tough to maintain uniform rules within both households. You might not think that doing so is essential. But, keeping the rules in tune will make a huge difference in making sure that the home fronts are unified, and their isn’t the sordid competition of ‘Mom lets me do….’ or ‘Dad doesn’t make me…’. Creating a set of uniform rules that you each adhere to will make parenting easier and save you the competition.

Maintaining Uniform Rules: Co-parenting made simple

Now, obviously we know there will be some variability from one house to another— and there should be. Certain things such as what chores they have to do, and your own personal routines. But there are other things that should be maintained from one home to another.

Those things should include such rules as: what movies are allowed, curfew, bedtime, when the homework gets done— ultimately, the essentials and the regimen that needs to be maintained. The things that affect their lifestyle— such as homework and bedtime, should be no-debate areas in both homes.

Allow for each parent to parent in their own way while honoring your system

Maintaining those uniforms rules according to lifestyle are important, but so is having some variance. No parent is the same, and no parenting style is either. Keeping the after-school regimen the same, while also having your own hobbies and activities with your child, is extremely important to the relationship. Mom and child start each morning with waffles and the paper. Dad and child go play soccer every day after school.

Creating your little traditions that are unique to you and the child can be something that they look forward to. Something a bit different, so you have that variance from one home to the other. Your child should know that they can have fun with dad in one way, and with mom in the other. But, they should also know but that some things that are not up for change.

Honoring this agreement you both made is important to displaying unity early on in a divorce

Your child, or children, is the main priority when it comes to the relationship between you and the co-parent. While the two of you are no longer together as a couple, you are still a family when it comes to your children. Creating a stable environment for them as they adjust to the shuffling back and forth from one home to the other, is important to showing them that some things are unchanging.

Choosing Adoption: Finding the Right Fit for Your Family

If you and your family are considering an adoption — there are plenty of questions to ask yourselves. From: are you ready? To, what age range and origin? And everything in between. There is a lot that goes into making the decision to adopt. And it is a fantastic choice to make, but there are a few trends to follow and a few to be weary of when you are making the decision as to how and when to adopt.

Adoption: Deciding if the Process is a Right Fit

There is a lot that goes into adoption, and a lot of factors to consider. For starters, is your family ready for this? An adoption is a heavy load to bear. Both financially and emotionally. Whether you are adopting a baby, a toddler, or an older child of the foster system— no two adoptions or circumstances are the same. There will be a period of adjustment, for both your current family and your new one.

Going into this expecting it to be easy, or a smooth transition is unrealistic. No matter the circumstance, you are taking on another child— and you are taking on one that is as unfamiliar to you as you are to them. The best piece of advice we can give is do not take this lightly, but do not let the hard work discourage you.

What is the child’s background?

Choosing to adopt a child out of the foster care system is a completely honorable choice. For starters, you’re choosing the children that often get left out or spend their life wrapped up in a system that doesn’t protect them. But that doesn’t mean that it will be all sunshine and rainbows from the start. You have to be prepared to help the child. From adjusting to a new home, to a stable environment, and to people who genuinely care about them.

Children of the foster care system often grow up being treated poorly, are sexually and physically assaulted, and have a particular kind of guard up.

Getting your adoptive child to open up, getting them to tell you what they need, and finding ways to establish a connection will be no easy task. It could take weeks, months, even years to get to a point where they are completely comfortable with you. Having the strength to be patient, give them space, and form trust will be harder for them. And you must understand that unless you are a former child of the foster care system yourself. There is no way for you to truly understand what they are going through. Therefore, you have to be willing to bend and help them in different ways than your other children.

Domestic versus international?

This is a question many run into when they begin to consider adoption. Whether they want to adopt a child out of an impoverished country or they want to adopt out of their own back yard— there are different factors that go into all of this. For starters, international adoption is expensive. You have multiple trips to consider. Not to mention, extended periods of time spent in a foreign country and away from work. This can add a lot of financial stress as you try to create a better life for a child outside of everything they’ve ever known.

Domestic adoptions are a bit more cut and dry. They’re more obtainable, cheaper, and you have a better chance of adopting a newborn baby if that is your goal. Other countries typically try to adopt babies into their own communities before seeking outside opportunities. Ultimately, there are a lot of factors to consider when you being to consider adoption.

If this is something you feel passionate about doing, don’t let anything stop you.

If you have the means and the willingness to make an adoption, you will be making a huge difference. There are so many children that the system leaves behind. If you can change just one of their lives— I guarantee that the community, and you both, will be better for it.

Child Custody Agreements: The Illusion Behind it All

When you and your spouse come to a custody agreement, chances are at least one of you is going to feel slighted. Some way, some how— one parent always feels that they are getting the short end of the stick. Whether you were seeking out primary custody, a birds nest agreement, or three weekends and you got two— there are a few things you need to remember about child custody agreements.

Child Custody Agreements: The Illusion Behind It All

Something you must try and remember is this: a custody agreement is merely that. It is an agreement set in place to honor the best interest of the child. You might feel like they did not make the best choice, and that is understandable. Right now you might be feeling as if you don’t have the ability to parent the way that you are meant to. You might feel left out when it comes to your child.

Custody is a formality

If you and your co-parent are in a good place when it comes to your child— there is no need to worry. This agreement is a set of guidelines. It is a how-to for parents that are navigating the in’s and out’s of co-parenting for the first time. That does not mean you cannot bend them a bit. It also doesn’t mean that you aren’t still a primary part of your child’s life. You still have the right to be part of daily decision. You are also still a factor when it comes to  discipline. In short, you are still the same parent you have always been.

You have the ability to pick and choose the best of both worlds

The best part is, you and your co-parent have the freedom to make a few more choices when it comes to things like: which parent lives in the best school district, which parent has the best karate studio close by, one parent lives closer to Tuesday swim practice? Perfect. Child custody agreements do not have to be totally bound unless one or both parents are strict about it. But, giving yourself the ability to play with it and accommodate both of you, and the child, a bit better is a great way to make the best of it.

Don’t stress over it

If both of you can be ‘lax about the plan, the benefits are endless. As we’ve said, pick and choose what works for both of you. If you treat this new arrangement as if you are a single parent and you try to carry too much of the load, stress. Treat the agreement as something you both can flex on. By doing so, you will help the child and each other to live an easier life. I can guarantee you, all three relationships will be better for it in the end.

Birds Nest Custody Agreements: New-Wave Shared Custody

The way you and your former spouse handle your custody agreement is entirely up to you. Depending on the type of custody, you and your former spouse are likely dividing your time with the child. Most commonly, each parent will have their separate home and the child will shuffle back and forth between the two. But one method of sharing custody, is by way of birds nest custody. Chances are, you’ve probably not heard of this method— or at least the name. So we’re gonna break it down for you, and explain the potentially great things— and the not so great.

Birds Nest Custody: A Different Approach to Shared Custody
What is it?

Birds nest custody refers to separated or divorced parents who have their own respective homes, but also share a separate home that the child lives in at all points in time. Whoever has custody on their specific time, lives in the house with the child for that period of time.

Pros?

For one, the child has a stable home and is not shuffling between you and their other parents home. They have a set address, a set place to go to, and are never left wondering where they go tonight. Many parents prefer this method because of that specifically. Also, communication is much easier when there is a shared dwelling. Need to tell the other parent something? Leave a note on the fridge. Can’t find the child’s ballet shoes? They are most definitely only in this house. Having a shared place that the child lives permanently is more stable and consistent.

Cons?

For one, this can be very expensive. Think about it— each parent is maintaining a separate home as well as this one. That is added utility bills, housekeeping, and quite unstable for the parent as well when trying to engage in a life of their own. Aside from being expensive for two people to pay for and maintain three homes, this custody agreement can make it extremely difficult when trying to move on. If you find yourself in a serious relationship where you decide to live together— this custody agreement could become quite problematic.

Not to mention, if you and your former spouse and co-parent do not get along that well— this type of agreement will not work out that well. We discussed how birds nest custody makes it much easier to communicate. Because, well, you have to when sharing a home to any degree. But increased communication and maintaining a home together when there is ill-will can be quite a task.

Ultimately, custody agreements depend on what works for the both of you…

While this option is quite plausible when you are flexible and in a good pace with your co-parent— there are a few downfalls worst considering. Custody will work differently for most, and many choose to go the traditional route. But this is always an option worth checking in to!

Staying Together Just for the Kids: Is It Worth It?

When considering a divorce, many couples will making the conscious decision of staying together for the kids. While this is an admirable and selfless choice to make, it begs the question: is that really what’s best for you and your children? Typically, a couple ‘sticking it out’ for the children will go one of three ways: reconciliation, everyone is miserable, or eventual divorce. So, what is the answer? And should you really put your children that far above your own needs and happiness? Our children are often at the center of our universe, but they are not the only factor in it.

Staying Together for the Kids: A Selfless Act?

You have to ask yourself whether the idea of divorce was a result of hard times or a true consideration.

It is not uncommon when facing hard times to question everything. While we are told over and over again that our marriages should be ‘fireproof’, the plain, hard truth is that no one, and no marriage, is perfect. We all face trials, hard times, and angry words from time to time. When hard times hit, it is easy to lose sight of what is important and what brought you together. So, before considering divorce— consider what put the idea in your head.

While your children are the main consideration most of the time, a divorce is quite personal to you and your spouse. Tracking down the reasons behind why that word popped into your head should be step one before even thinking about how the children and the possible divorce fall into the equation.

Will avoiding divorce versus an unhappy marriage be better for your kids?

Children are smart and quite receptive. No matter the age, they can sense turmoil and stress to a certain degree. But, you must realize that you are their models for what love and marriage look like. Now, you must ask yourself, is your version of marriage and love the one you want your children modeling after?

Part of being a parent is being a role model. While you might think your children are entirely their own people, they are also learning from you. Part of honoring that, is honoring yourself and what you need. A divorce, while nasty and grueling, is not the end of the world. Your children might act out and feel upset about it for a period of time. But through time and age, they will begin to understanding what an important decision this was for you, personally.

Most of these couples will likely divorce further down the line

While some couples might stay together for the kids now, they will often divorce later on down the road. Gray divorces are becoming quite common amongst empty nesters who feel that now their children can handle it. Putting off these divorces until you’re older can cause a number of issues. From life insurance policies, retirement, and becoming independent much later on in life.

There are many factors to consider

Obviously we are not encouraging divorce as your first choice. But acknowledging that an empty marriage is no better for anyone is quite important. Ultimately, you have to consider what you and your spouse need from each other, and from life, to be happy and to do best by their children. Staying together with your children as the only thing to hold you together can be unhealthy for every one of you. In the end, a divorce is a decision to take your time with.

Healthy Co-Parenting: Keeping Children OUT of the Middle

A big problem many divorced couples run into is that their child is caught in the middle. Whether this is intentional, or unintentional— it is unhealthy for the child. Healthy co-parenting honors the needs of the child, versus using the child as a means of hashing out old grudges or self-interest. While the parent often unintentionally projects their feelings onto the child, that does not mean you cannot avoid it.

So, these are a few things to keep in mind, and to make a mental checklist of. That way, you know that you are giving your child, yourself, and the other parent— the best shot at making it out of this with each part of the family feeling as if they didn’t get the raw end of the deal.

Healthy Co-parenting: Keeping your Kids OUT of the Middle
Why is this so essential?

Your children are very receptive. A lot of factors very depending on their age range, but this does not. From the time they are very young, children are intuitive and understanding of your emotions. As they grow older, they become better at rationalizing and reacting to how they feel. But, no matter the age, they can get a sense for how things are going.

If things are not going so well, or the environment is hostile— children will begin to act out. We’ve previously discussed short-term and long-term side effects of divorce and they begin with instances such as these. Those moments where you speak ill of the other parent, or are arguing in front of them. Children, especially younger children, cannot entirely make sense of what is happening. In turn, they will often place blame on themselves or seek attention in a number of ways. Therefore, maintaining an environment that is stable, and as unchanging as possible— can be inherently positive for both you and the child.

Avoid treating your child as a messenger or a ‘spy’

Acting in this way, while it might seem innocent to you, relays the message to the child that they are responsible for how the two of you treat and view each other. Asking your child, “Is daddy bringing anyone over while you’re there?” or something along the lines of: “did mommy say anything about daddy while you were visiting?” Asking a child leading questions, or prompting the child to feed you information— takes advantage of the child. While this puts pressure on the child, it also disallows a genuine experience for the child and the parent they are visiting. In short, when a child or a parent knows they are walking on eggshells— it can put a strain on the relationships all around.

Do not ask a child to keep secrets from the other parent

On the flip side of our previous statement: do not ask a child to censor themselves. While there should not be anything going on that the child should have to keep from the other parent— posing the idea should still be against the guidelines you set for yourselves. Something as simple as giving the child candy before bed, should never be followed by “don’t tell mom/dad.”

Creating a united front is imperative to both parents, as well as to the child. Healthy co-parenting is all in treating each other, and the child, with a mutual respect, and honoring the bonds each of you have with your child.