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Author: Robert Reeves

Adult Children of Divorce: Why They’re Angry 

A common term for late-in-life divorcees, is ‘gray divorce’. This essentially means that once your kids have flown the coop, started families of their own, and started their respective lives— you decide to get that divorce you’ve always considered. Many parents put off divorce as a means of keeping their family together, and keeping their kids happy. However, what you’ll learn as adult children of divorce— is that it’s never too easy to understand. Adult children of divorce deal with the separation in their own way, and even though they’re adults—their feelings are still valid. 

Adult Children of Divorce: Why They’re Angry 

Your marriage was their model 

One big issue that many adult children of divorce run into, is that they used your marriage as a model for success. Chances are, if you two held it together this long— you are selfless, loving, compassionate people who (on the surface) made a great image for your children to follow. They likely took from you in creating a marriage, a home, and a foundation for their own families. So, when they see your marriage unraveling, it can make an adult child second guess their own marriage, and the values they hold dear to it. 

They feel conflicted 

As an adult child of divorce, you might feel as if you aren’t allowed to mourn this loss. After all, you have a family of your own now, a marriage of your own— but they’re still your parents. You’ve never known them to be any different than together, and happy. However, this new era is approaching an you don’t know how you feel about it. This is completely normal, as this time is jarring for anyone involved. The best thing a divorcing parent can do, even at this age, is withhold all of the anger, hurt, and feelings from your children. You don’t want to change their opinions of each parent. Some things do not change from one age to the next. 

Don’t let these things deter you from doing what needs to be done 

Your kids, at any age, will feel the effects of your divorce in one way or another. While we hate to subject our children to hardship, in this case, it is necessary. You have to live your life in an authentic, peaceful way— and you can’t do that in an unhappy marriage. While gray divorce often receives it’s now category, the reasoning behind it is no different.

Avoid Messenger Madness: Keeping your Child out of the Middle 

When going through a divorce, it can be difficult to try and have those hard conversations, or even a normal one, with your to-be former spouse. For this reason, many divorcees will find themselves using their children as a means of passing along a message. It could be simple, or it could be malicious. No matter the reason, or the message, it’s important to understand that using your child as a messenger during divorce can be damaging in a number of ways. Therefore, it’s vital that you and your soon to-be ex (STBX) establish healthy lines of communication that don’t involve your children….

Avoid Messenger Madness: Keeping your Child out of the Middle 

The first thing we need to establish is that using your child as a messenger during divorce is inappropriate. As we’ve said, no matter the message, your child is not a party of this divorce. Your children are not meant to pick sides, be involved in nasty conversations, or aware of any wrongdoings. As parents, we want to make sure our children are receiving as little damage as possible in this difficult time. The conflict of a divorce is high, and difficult for everyone involved. Therefore, adding the unnecessary discomfort of delivering a message can cause issues for your child. 

Messages misconstrued 

I’m sure, at some point in your life, you’ve played the game ‘telephone’. You sit in a line, someone whispers a message down the line. By the time that message comes out the other side— it’s entirely different than what was said by the first person. Think of using your child as a messenger in a similar fashion. While their intentions are pure, and the message may be as well, it’s easy to lose track of a message from start to finish. These messages can cause conflict, missing deadlines, anger… 

Create a healthy space for exchanging messages 

Lastly, the best thing you can do with your STBX, is to create a method for passing messages along. Something different might work for you than for someone else. Maybe you’re okay with texting, emailing, Facebook messaging…. whatever your method may be— find a space that works for the two of you, and make that your primary source of communication. By finding a common space, you can pass along messages, appointments, documents… all forms of communication. By taking this route, you keep your kids out of it, and you keep yourselves organized. 

Being a Better Parent: Viewing Divorce as a Positive for Kids

No one plans to become a divorced parent when they starting having children. After all, most people decide to have children at a rather joyous point in their life or, even, at a time when they feel like their marriage needs a savior. However, after having your children, you and your spouse come to the decision that a divorce is what’s best for everyone. Inevitably, as a parent, you will begin to fear what divorce means for your children. You will likely automatically begin to think about the negatives when considering parenting with your spouse through, and after, a divorce. However, there are plenty of ways that divorce can make you a better parent …

Being a Better Parent: Viewing Divorce as a Positive for Kids

The idea that putting your children through a divorce can be good for them, might seem a little counterintuitive. While a divorce is never easy for anyone involved, the outcome can be if you go about it in a healthy way. Think about it: If you’re marriage is in the kind of shape that requires a divorce for you both to be happy, then your marriage isn’t really benefiting your children anyways. Therefore, a divorce might give you both the kind of freedom, and improved outlook, that you need to be a great parent. 

You can better align your values to your parenting style 

When you’re living in a marriage that is unhealthy, and considering divorce— you’re likely lying to your children in some regard. Or, you’re at least living in a way that is contrary to the morals you teach. We always tell our children to be truthful to the people they care about. But, when you’re considering a divorce, you often try to portray the normal, every day relationship you have with your spouse. While this is for your childrens’ sake, it’s also inauthentic. 

Your children get to understand you better as parents and people

When telling your children about your divorce, you have to get pretty honest, pretty quickly. There are some aspects of your divorce that will remain between spouses. However, there is also a lot of explaining that you’ll have to do when it comes to your kids. By sharing the divorce with them, and having an open discussion as a family, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of eachother, and the divorce itself. This part of the process can be particularly therapeutic, shocking, and difficult to make it through. However, it is necessary. 

You’re teaching your children how to be strong, to rebuild, and to make the best of a bad situation 

Your children will likely be upset for a while in one way or another. But, eventually they will come around and begin to better understand the world around them. A divorce is difficult. But, often, the year or two afterwards can be even more difficult. You’re reorienting your life, learning how to run a household by yourself, and becoming financially self-sufficient. Making this transition can be hard. Especially if you were the homemaker in your marriage. However, it’s a test of wills, strength, and courage that your children will be party to. 

Becoming a better parent post-divorce can have a different meaning than it does when you’re married. You have to do the tough stuff, be good cop and bad cop, and handle a difficult situation with grace. No one said you have it easy. But, you do have the most rewarding job in the world, and a new lease on life…

How-to Keep Conflict Concealed During During Divorce: Protecting your Kids from Conflict  

Arguably one of the most difficult things to do while parenting through divorce, is to keep your children from being exposed to your conflict. After all, no matter how you feel about one another— you are still parents to your children. So, how can you keep conflict concealed when you’re working through a divorce, and figuring out co-parenting? After all, you’re new at this too, and there are a lot of feelings you two are still working through. So, we’re here to help

How-to Keep Conflict Concealed During During Divorce: Protecting your Kids from Arguments

Obviously, the best thing you can do for your child is to keep them out of the middle. Discuss your issues with one another, keep the kids away from it, and if you need to have a serious discussion, or share choice words— do it in the right time and place. You don’t have to be friends, just successful co-parents. While this is inevitably easier said than done, it comes in practice. You won’t be perfect from the start, and no one expects you to be. 

You want your children to remain unbiased 

Keeping your child from having a bias towards one parent or the other means not talking down about one another in the presence of your child. If you two feel a certain way about one another, that’s perfectly fine. However, successful co-parenting means co-existing in the sense that you can hold it together as you go through the motions for your child. You don’t have to like each other, you just have to create the proper time and space to address those feelings. 

Put it in writing 

If you can address concerns and keep conflict concealed by writing, do it. Some couples might find that they’re able to best address their true feelings when they write them down. This is a great way to get a thought out in a non-hostile way. Not to mention, even if you don’t give the letters to your spouse, they can be therapeutic to get your feelings into writing.

Speak to each other constructively 

You have choice feelings about one another— what divorcee doesn’t? The key is to address those feelings in a respectful, constructive manner. Think of it this way: you’re a model for your children’s behavior. A great trait for every adult to have, is to express their concerns and opinion in a concise, and productive manner. Allow your children to see that, even in adverse conditions, you can perform with grace. By doing so, you address your feelings, and teach a life lesson at the same time. 

No one said you have it easy

Divorcing, especially when you have children, is hard work. Learning to co-exist for your children is also pretty difficult. But the thing to remember is that it’s not impossible. To keep conflict concealed is to do your children a favor. We wish you luck in this difficult time, and offer our condolences for your divorce. Furthermore, we extend our services if you may need them. 

Emotional Abuse Signs: Identifying Signs of Abuse 

When you begin the divorce process, one of the first questions you’ll have to answer is ‘on what grounds?’ What is happening that justifies a divorce. For every divorcing couple, the answer will be a bit different. From irreconcilable differences, alcoholism, an abusive spouse, and so forth. There are plenty of reasons for a couple to divorce, and abuse is absolutely one of the most pressing. When you think about abuse, you likely think of physical violence. But, emotional abuse is just as prevalent, if not even more so. When you’re consider emotional abuse, and if they’re happening to you, it’s important to be able to identify some of the emotional abuse signs.

Emotional Abuse Signs: Identifying Signs of Abuse

Threats

One of the most obvious signs of emotional abuse, is making verbal threats. In most cases, an emotionally abusive spouse will use threats as a means of gaining control, and getting what they want from the other spouse. Those threats can range from a threat to leave you, embarrass you, take something away, or threats of violence unto themselves or to you. By your spouse making these threats, you may feel a responsibility to the outcome, and to making sure you don’t lose someone or something you care about.

Withholding Affection

Another means of emotional abuse can be through withholding affection. This can be as a means of punishment, or even one of those communicated threats we discussed above. This can also be as a means of getting something that they want, making you suffer, or as a means of ‘breaking you down’. For the most part, once you break down emotionally, the abuser knows they have control and will let up.

No Respect of Privacy

One of the more subtle aspects of emotional abuse, is to take away your sense of privacy. This can be due to a lack of trust, or to create paranoia. By doing this, they make you feel as if you’ve done something wrong even when you haven’t. For this reason, you may become paranoid and nervous about your every move or doing something they can misunderstand.

Emotional abuse can come in many forms, and can be unique to your relationship

Each relationship, and divorce is different. In that same sense, emotional abuse is not a one-size-fits-all system of abuse. Instead, it is calculated, precise, and tailored to your relationship. If you can relate with any of these emotional abuse signs, or relate to them— consider speaking with an attorney, a therapist, or someone who can help you determine a next step. No one deserves to live with abuse, and you do not have to…

A Different Divorce: How Same-Sex Divorce Differs 

A divorce is a divorce. It doesn’t matter the sex of the parties; a divorce will always feel the same. This is a time of loss, hardship, and moving into a new stage of life. Typically, most couples know what to expect of a divorce. From court proceedings, custody battles, mediation, and so forth. All in all, a divorce is pretty standard procedure. But, in some ways, for a same-sex couple, it’s a different divorce than most…

A Different Divorce: How Same-Sex Divorce Differs

There are a few ways that a same-sex divorce is different than a heterosexual divorce. However, in most ways, it’s completely the same. There’s anger, grief, guilt, remorse, relief… a whole range of emotions. When it comes to the emotional side of divorce, there’s ultimately no difference in how you feel and everyone else feels. Furthermore, you’ll go through the same one and dance as every other married couple. From custody agreements, property division, debt division, spousal support, and so forth. However, there are a few areas that can be a bit more difficult to deal with…

Custody Problems for Non-Biological Parents

One of the most difficult issues for same-sex couples is that of custody. All things considered, that child is both yours, and your spouses. However, being that the court system is still a little behind the curve when it comes to custody in same-sex marriage, the biological parent will have a huge advantage in terms of custody. That is, unless the non-bio parent has legally adopted the child. In that case, you will bot h have legal rights to the child. But, unfortunately, most couples just don’t think to take that measure until it’s too late.

Same-sex Couples Tend to Have Property Issues

As you likely know, gay marriage was not legal country-wide until a few years ago. Therefore, most everyone in a same-sex relationship had to carry on as if they were married, without the legal document to say so. Therefore, if you’ve been together for much longer than you’ve been married— you likely have assets, property, a mortgage, and so forth, that you’ve treated as marital property. However, because it was all acquired outside of the marriage, a judge will not be able to help you divide it all up. While this issue is alive and well for both heterosexual and same-sex couples, it can become quite an issue for long time same-sex couples who’ve built a lot of life and assets together.

Your divorce is just like any other, but there are a few more bumps in the road…

Every divorce will vary in a few different ways. Whether it be a lot of property to divide, medical bills, child custody, or any other factor. But, there are no two proceedings that go the same way. So, while you have a different divorce on your hands, it’s nothing a divorce attorney won’t be able to help you sort through.

Hiring Divorce Attorneys: Why They’re Vital to Your Case

When you’re in the beginning stages of a divorce, hiring divorce attorneys might be something you’re considering— but not totally sold on. While there are plenty of professionals that can be of great help during a divorce, your attorney will be one of the most vital tools. Divorce can be nasty, angry, and one or both parties will almost always stray from the original plan. That’s where your attorney comes in…

Hiring Divorce Attorneys: Why You Should Absolutely Do So

They deal with the technical stuff

A divorce is emotionally taxing. That, in itself, is a lot to deal with. But when you add gathering documents of all kinds into the mix? A divorce can be downright exhausting. So, instead of trying to figure all of that stuff out on your own, hire someone to do it for you. It’s easy to make mistakes when you’re emotionally unavailable, sleep-deprived, and trying to march on. But, mistakes in a divorce and a court room can be costly in a number of ways.

So, in hiring divorce attorneys, you have someone to check behind you, keep your dates in order, and make sure you have everything you need. From financial documents, medical bills, mortgages, and any other marital asset or debt— there’s a lot to it. Trying to handle that on your own, while possible, is difficult.

Attorney fees are expensive, but not as expensive as making mistakes…

Many people stray away from hiring divorce attorneys because it can be quite expensive. However, any mistake you make in gathering documents, filling out paperwork, forgetting something in the court room, or forth— can drag the process on longer, and make it more costly. Not to mention, an inconvenienced judge is not a happy judge. Additionally, depending upon your situation, an attorney may be able to help you win attorney’s fees compensation from your spouse.

Another good thing to remember is that many offices, including our own, offer a free consultation to potential clients

Consider speaking to a few before you select an attorney. Ask questions, ask about their experience with your specific needs, and how many cases they’ve won. Lastly, we always encourage any divorcee to make the best decision for themselves, even if that means going at the fight alone. But, if you find that your spouse has hire representation, it’s imperative that you do so as well. While both parties being unrepresented is not ideal, at least it is an even playing ground. If you go up against an experience divorce attorney without your own, it can be easy to lose out on your wants and needs.

A divorce can affect your life in a big way

Therefore, you want to make sure you’re not taken advantage of. Your financial future is important to getting you settled, secure, and moved on into this new stage. So, take consideration before deciding whether to hire an attorney, and in who you hire. After all, they’re playing a big part in your next step…

Collaborative Divorce: The Perfect Choice for Collaborative Couples 

In terms of divorce settlements, and different ways to get there— there are plenty of options. As anyone who has gone through a divorce knows, they can go sour quite quickly. But, that is not always the case. In many divorces, both parties will agree that they want to make it through this with their dignity, and sanity intact. If you and your to-be former spouse have agreed to this, then a collaborative divorce might be right up your alley.

Collaborative Divorce for Collaborative Couples: A Smart, Cost-Effective Option

What Is It?

In general, many divorces take place without ever going to court. But even then, they may have to undergo long litigation and mediation in order to get the result you want. When this happens, things often get ugly and cause more tension between and your ex. As a result, this process can have a huge impact on the emotional state of children involved in the divorce.

So to avoid these problems, some people choose to seek out a collaborative divorce. This type of divorce takes place when a couple agrees to seek a civilized divorce and to forego the process of court. Therefore, all negotiations are made between both parties, and their respective lawyers without going before a judge. This option gives you both more control. However, it can be difficult when one, or both, parties are not cooperating.

How Does it Work?

Before beginning the process, both parties will each hire their own collaborative attorney. Then, all members of each party will sign a Participation Agreement. By signing this document, all signees agree to offering up full disclosure throughout the process. That means information and details regarding all finances and any other important matters to settle. It also states that the two will settle the matters outside of court and that all things will remain confidential about the case.

While most cases just include collaborative attorneys, some cases may hire other professionals as well.

This could include financial advisors or child psychologist. If these members come on board, they will also need to sign the Participation Agreement.

After that, you can begin the process of settling important agreements like child or spousal support. This process should also settle custody agreements, as well as dividing property and other assets. The major difference with a collaborative divorce is that it is not about who wins or loses. Instead, this type of divorce wants to split things fairly, while also keeping peace between spouses.

No matter how you decide to proceed with your divorce, if you have kids involved, you will still have to deal with your ex. So a collaborative divorce works to keep things civil. That way, you can continue working peacefully together in the future.

Marital and Non-Marital Property: How Do We Divide?

A common question people ask in divorce cases, is how the court divides property between the spouses. Ultimately, this depends on a few different things. To begin, SC follows Equitable Distribution laws. This means that property is divided in a fair and equitable way. However, fair doesn’t always mean equal. The courts will consider many factors in deciding how to divide property. One of the most important, is whether the property is marital or non-marital.

Marital and Non-Marital Property: How Do We Divide?

First things first, what is marital and non-marital property?

SC Code Section 20-3-630 defines marital property as property acquired by the parties during the marriage. To put it simply, if you bought the property together during the marriage, it will be subject to equitable distribution at the time of divorce. It doesn’t even matter if one name versus the other is on the title. Rather, they just care about the date of purchase.

Are there exceptions?

Property a couple acquires during their marriage is marital, yes. However, there are a few exceptions to the rule. These exceptions are non-marital property. Non-marital property is not subject to division. Some of these exceptions are as follows:

  • Property from an inheritance or gift from a party other than the spouse
  • Property that a written contract signed by both of the spouses excludes, such as a prenuptial agreement
  • Increase in the value of non-marital property. Unless its increase resulted from effort of the other spouse during the marriage
Can non-marital property become marital?

Sometimes property that one spouse owns before the marriage can become marital. This can happen when a spouse deposits pre-marriage money into a joint account during marriage. It can also happen through transmutation.

Transmutation is when the couple treats non-marital property as marital. This is especially common in, say, a home. One spouse might own a home before marriage. Then, during the marriage, both spouses live in the home and put money towards the mortgage, repair, and so forth. Through this process, the home becomes marital property.

Dividing property in a divorce is a hard process. It can be hard to predict how a judge will choose to divide assets. Thus, it is a common concern amongst our divorcing clients. That’s where we come in. By hiring an experienced divorce attorney, you can find someone to fight for your desired outcome— but also prepare you for different possibilities.

Leaving Spouse? A How-to for Coping with Love, Lost

When it comes to divorce, it’s quite unlikely that both parties are on the same page in every regard. Whether it be why you’re divorcing, the terms of alimony, child custody, or even getting the divorce itself. It’s not uncommon that, when divorcing, one party doesn’t want to go through with it. Maybe you think you can still work it out, maybe you made a mistake, or maybe there’s just love lost on one side versus the other. No matter the reason, when it comes to a leaving spouse, some struggle more than others. So, we’re here to help you cope…

Leaving Spouse? Coping with Love, Lost

Don’t beg, plead, or make demands

If your spouse comes to you and unexpectedly asks for a divorce, it can be second nature to beg them to stay; plead your case and ask for another chance. However, it’s best to give them that space they were looking for in a time like this. Maybe they’re set in their decision, maybe they’re confused, or maybe they just need space. No matter their reason, taking that time to step back might just give them the perspective they need to realize that this isn’t what they want. And if they don’t? Well, then unfortunately their decision might already be made…

Process Quietly

Instead of begging and pleading right out of the gate, take some time to yourself and consider what they’ve said and their reasoning. Process this crisis and bring a clear mind to the next discussion. While this a very emotional time, getting out of control about your feelings will only worsen the matter. So, draw back that anger, mourning, and try to come up with alternatives. You don’t want a divorce, so see if they’re willing to try and work on alternatives. If they see the marriage as salvageable and so do you, consider reaching out to a family therapist or marriage counselor.

Give them space and don’t reach out

I’m sure you’re familiar with the phrase ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. When you’re married to someone, you likely spend a lot of time with them. Therefore, it can be easy to start taking certain things for granted. In turn, many spouses find themselves bored of the same old routine and think that divorce is the answer. Only, after weeks or months, they’ll find themselves with a restored appreciation in their family and spouse. Maybe this is what they need. While this likely feels selfish or unfair to you, and it is in a sense, it might just be what your marriage needs.

Start moving forward

The most important thing you can do for yourself and your family, is to start healing. While a divorce is difficult, life still marches on. And if you have children, there’s a slew of daily responsibilities and activities you still have to complete. So, mourn, make plans, begin the process, and march on. While it might not seem that way at first, continuing on with your day to day life can make a big difference in helping you heal.

Dealing with a leaving spouse, especially when you didn’t expect it, is painful and tough to overcome. But, nothing good ever came of wallowing in grief. Instead, make plans to get yourself excited. What do you want out of this next stage? How will you make the most of it? The best thing you can do for yourself is start looking forward.