Author: Robert Reeves

Divorce Recovery: Bounce Back

Divorce can be hard to deal with, even when you’ve finished everything. That’s why it’s important to focus on your divorce recovery. There’s a few steps you can take which’ll help you start to move on with your life again…

Divorce Recovery: Turn Things Around

Focus & reflect

It’s helpful to start your divorce recovery by taking some time to focus and reflect on what’s happened. It can be tempting to try and move forward and not think about the past. However, by doing that, you won’t process the baggage you’re carrying. This can come back to hurt you, especially in future relationships.

Rather, think about the issues you had in your marriage. What was causing you guys the most distress and arguments? By reflecting on these things, you can learn what to work on and avoid in the future. This will also let you set some good goals for self-improvement.

Keep busy

Keeping busy is also helpful for your divorce recovery. Having nothing to do will have you not just be bored, but also can cause you to dwell on negative memories. Thinking about all the things you used to do with your spouse can make you feel more sad and isolated.

Therefore, it’s good to keep yourself busy. One good way to do this is by finding a new hobby or activity. It’s especially handy to try and find something that has groups which you can join. Doing so is great for making new friends.

Practice forgiveness

It’s important to practice forgiveness as part of your divorce recovery. In specific, there’s two types of forgiveness to do. First, you should forgive yourself and not place all the blame on your shoulders. There are many reasons as to why things didn’t work out, but you aren’t the only one responsible.

It’s also good to try and forgive your ex too. After all, it’s not like they went into the marriage wanting a divorce. Both of you made mistakes, so it’s good to be able to forgive and move on. Holding on to regret will just pull you down and get in the way of your recovery.

Conflicting Personalities: Opposites Attract

While everyone knows the phrase “opposites attract”, it’s also possible that conflicting personalities can lead to a divorce. This friction can even lead to some divorce conflict. While some traits can work with each other, they might also come with some potential for conflict…

Conflicting Personalities: Common Types

Introvert/extrovert

One of the most well-known conflicting personalities are introverts and extroverts. Introverts don’t like to be out socializing all the time. Meanwhile, extroverts love to be out doing things with other people. In some cases, this can work as an extrovert encourages an introvert to be more social. 

However, it usually leads to fighting. Spouses will start to feel resentful if they need to go out of their comfort zone for the sake of their partner. Instead, it’s good for a couple to have a similar balance for being social and staying in.

Organized/Disorganized

Another example of conflicting personalities is those who are organized and those who are disorganized. Organized people like structure and to have a place for everything. Those who are disorganized tend to be a bit more impulsive and will place things wherever they feel like.

Again, these kind of couples can help each other. A person can be either too rigid or too irresponsible on their own. Being with someone who’s their opposite can help them fix this. Still, they can also end up arguing if neither wants to change.

Adventurous/traditional

One type of conflicting personalities couples don’t pay too much attention to is being adventurous versus being traditional. The former is someone who is always down to try new things, while the latter is someone who likes to stick with what they know. For younger couples, this dynamic can work quite well. The adventurous one can encourage the other to experience things they wouldn’t have otherwise.

Much of the conflict can stem over future plans. The idea of “settling down” somewhere may not appeal to an adventurous person. Rather, they want to keep doing fun things. Their partner may want to live a bit more of a quite life as they get older together. These disagreements can become constant fights as they get older.

Post-Divorce Healing: Helpful Methods

It can be a bit hard to start recovering from your divorce. However, a useful way to get this process started is by focusing on some post-divorce healing. These methods can help you to heal from your heartbreak and prepare for your post-divorce life…

 Post-Divorce Healing: Key Techniques

Accept the situation

It’s important to accept your situation in order to start your post-divorce healing process. Many people try to repress how they truly feel after their divorce. They may tell other that they’re fine, and even try to tell themselves that it isn’t all that big of a deal.

In reality, you might be hurting quite a lot, and that’s okay. You need to be able to accept that you don’t feel okay, and that the divorce has impacted you in this way. Once you’re able to accept that you don’t feel fine, you can really start working on feeling better again.

Take care of yourself

You’ll also want to take good care of yourself when doing post-divorce healing. When people feel depressed, they tend to stop taking care of themselves. For example, they may lay in bed all day, won’t practice good hygiene, and eat rather poorly. Some people may even turn to drug and alcohol to cope with their feelings.

Of course, not taking care of yourself will only cause you to feel even worse. This is why it’s so important for you to practice good, healthy habits. It might seem hard at first, but once you see how better you’ll feel, it’ll quickly become a part of your new routine.

Talk to others

One thing you don’t want to do is keep your emotions and feelings bottled up inside. While you may think this will help you get over your emotions, it’ll actually end up doing the opposite. What happens is these emotions stay below the surface and get stronger, until they eventually boil over in a way you won’t want them to.

Therefore, don’t be afraid to talk to others about how you feel. Talking out your feelings with friends and family is great for processing those emotions properly. Once you’re able to work through these negative ones, it becomes easier to focus on the positives instead.

Co-parenting with Your Ex: Communication

Co-parenting with your ex can be challenging for both the parents and the children. In some cases, there has been domestic violence or substance abuse that would make joint custody especially difficult. However, in most cases, there are ways to co-parent amicably that will be beneficial for everyone involved…

Co-parenting with Your Ex: Improving Communication

Communication Challenges of Co-parenting with Your Ex

Having different schedules, different homes, and other relationships and marriages can make co-parenting with your ex difficult. You will also likely have strong feelings of anger, disappointment and resentment towards your ex. Although it may be difficult, you must work past those for the sake of your children. This could help your child’s well-being, stability and happiness. 

In order to keep your emotions about your ex out of your co-parenting, you will likely need to address them elsewhere. Find a therapist, counselor, or a friend to vent to, or relieve stress through exercise. While it will be difficult, remember that you are doing this for your children.

Better Communication While Co-parenting with Your Ex

Since you will be co-parenting with your ex for your child’s entire childhood, forming good communication habits will be important. By making these guidelines early on, your communication may get easier over time.

To start, listen and show restraint. Even if you don’t agree with them, let your ex express his or her opinions. Try not to overreact to anything that they say. Overtime, this may get easier. Instead of making demands, try making requests. For example, replace “Do this” with “Would you be willing to…?” This could help keep your ex from building up walls against you. 

Keep Children Out of the Middle

Don’t get your children involved as the middleman. Talking negatively about your ex to your child may be harmful to your child’s relationship with their other parent. Your child deserves to have a relationship with their other parent without having your emotions thrown in. You certainly don’t want to make them have to take sides, as that isn’t fair to them. 

Also, don’t send negative messages to your ex through your children. Handle all issues with your ex directly. When communicating, it may help to speak to your ex like you are in a business meeting. In this case, you are in the business of co-parenting your child. As you would in business, be respectful and cordial.

If you find that communicating with your ex gets to be too difficult…

…find some quick and easy ways to relieve stress. Co-parenting with your ex may always be difficult. Start by taking steps to improve your communication can go a long way.

Post-Divorce Credit Score: Build Yours

Divorce can not only be an emotionally tough time, but a financially tough one as well. As such, it’s important you get your finances back on track. A big part of that will be building up your post-divorce credit score. With how important credit scores are, it’s key that you do so properly…

Post-Divorce Credit Score: Prepare For The Future

Check your current score

Of course, before you can improve your post-divorce credit score, you’ll need to know what it is. This is best done by ordering a credit report. You can do this via one of the three major credit bureaus. With this report, you’ll be able to see both individual and joint debts that you have.

Individual debts are ones which are solely tied to you. However, joint debts are ones are ones where both you and your spouse are responsible. If either one of you fails to make a payment, then you both will be negatively affected.  Therefore, keep track of these accounts, and they’ll be important for your next step.

Reorganize your accounts

Now that you know what your debts are, it’s good to reorganize your accounts. First, you may want to consider opening new individual ones. By starting now, you can help your post-divorce credit score in the long run. Still, if that isn’t something you want to do, then paying down any existing ones will also help.

Next, take steps to close any old joint accounts you have. Get in touch with your lenders and ask them to transfer these accounts to individual ones based on your divorce agreement and have them closed. You should also remove you and your ex’s name from any accounts which have you as authorized users. Taking these steps will help make this debt more manageable for the both of you.

Pay your bills

In the commotion of divorce, it’s easy for bill payments to fall by the wayside. However, missing these payments can be pretty bad for your post-divorce credit score. Therefore, you want to make sure you pay them on time as best as you can.

A good way to do this is by setting up automatic payments. That way, you won’t have to worry about accidentally forgetting to make a payment. Slowly but surely, your score will rise as you continue to make on-time payments.  

How-to Ask the Right Questions About Adoption

Whether you are unable to have kids of your own, or want to provide a home for a child who does not have one, adoption is a great option for many people. When looking into adoption, there is a lot to of things to consider. The adoption process can be confusing and overwhelming at times. This is a big decision for any individual or a family to make. Therefore, it is important to make sure you understand the the process from start to finish. Make sure you know how to ask the right questions about adoption.

How-to Ask the Right Questions About Adoption: Understand the Process

Adoption Types

First, you will need to know about the different types of adoptions. This is one of the first big questions about adoptions you should ask when starting the process. Children can be adopted internationally, through private agencies, the welfare system or even existing relationships. Understanding the different types of adoptions will help you decide which route you may want to go. There may be differences in requirements, rules and costs associated with all of the different types of adoptions.

If you choose a private or independent adoption, you will also need to understand the difference in an open and closed adoption. The difference in these are whether the birth parents want to select the adoptive parents, or even meet them. They could also choose to maintain an ongoing relationship with the adoptive family.

Cost

Another one of the important questions about adoption is about cost. Adoptions can be expensive, so you should find out how much money you will need to save up. Find out how long you have to pay the fees and ask about different payment options. Do not forget to find out about grants or tax credits to help offset adoption costs.

Preparation

When it comes to adoption, there may be some preparation work you need to do. This is another one of the questions about adoption that you should ask. There is not going to be a one-size-fits-all answer. However, there could be financial preparations you need to make. Also, you may need to find a living situation that is going to be appropriate for raising a child. Learn about the different legal, financial, medical, developmental, and behavioral issues related to adoption.

Adoption can be an amazing step in growing your family and providing a loving home for a child. Since it is also a big step, make sure that you ask all of the right questions about adoption. This way you know if this process is right for you.

How-to Remove Social Media From Your Marriage

Social media can ruin a perfectly good relationship. It can make people grow distant, change people’s attitudes and even open up the possibility for cheating. In order to keep yourself from getting into an unhappy marriage, you may need to remove social media from your marriage.

How-to Remove Social Media From Your Marriage: Relationship Building

Distraction

It is not a secret that social media can be a major distraction. Many people get buried in their phones and ignore everything else going on around them. If you start tuning out our spouse or even your children, you could be damaging those relationships. Make an effort to be present and stop paying so much attention to your phone. Stop scrolling and start participating in the lives of those around you.

There are different apps that will help limit or cut off your screen time. For example, Apple has a screen time feature that will allow you to set limits and remind you when you are over your limits. Other programs may block you off of the app all together for that period of time. Also, find someone to hold you accountable and do not get upset when they call you out on your screen time usage.

Compare Lives

Social media can make you feel miserable. When you are only spending time viewing everyone else’s highlight reels, you may start to think that your own life is not interesting or good enough. Studies have found a link between social media and depression. Eventually, this could affect your marriage. Additionally, if you are always comparing your life with others, this will take a toll on your own marriage too.

If this sounds like the path you are on, you may need to take a break from social media all together. For instance, delete the apps, or change your password to something difficult and hide the key. A social media detox can help you get back focusing on your own life.

Other Relationships

If you are always looking at other people’s highlight reals and curated, filtered pictures, you could end up becoming interested in someone else. However, depending on how far you let this go, you could jeopardize your marriage. Remember that in real life, people do not walk around with photoshopping and filters on them. Your spouse is a real person, and you cannot compare them to the picture perfect facades people post on social media. Put away your phone, and spend some quality time with the person you fell in love with in real life.

How-to Heal From a Bad Relationship

Real life relationships are not like the ones in the movies. While sometimes they can feel close, they are not always blissful and perfect. Relationships require hard work, patience and love. Although most relationships have more positive moments than bad ones, some are really toxic. Where it’s a bad dating relationship or an unhealthy marriage, these are the kind of relationships that you do not need to stay in. Yet somehow, they can be the most difficult to get out of. At times, it may seem impossible to heal from a bad relationship, but know that with a little hard work and time, it can happen.

How-to Heal From a Bad Relationship: Recovering and Moving On

Grieve

First off, know that it is okay to be sad. Good relationship or bad relationship, you are still loosing something that was a part of you. Releasing those emotions will help you be able to start to heal from a bad relationship. Do not be ashamed to talk to someone about how you are feeling. Grieving is a healthy part of moving on to new, better things.

During this process, and likely later on too, you may start to question if you made the right decision. This is normal as well. Confront all of your doubt. Know that you ended the relationship for a reason. No matter what, do not reach back out to your ex, even though you may be tempted to. It will only cause you more pain, or even get you sucked back into the toxic relationship again. You deserve to be in a happy, healthy relationship.

Self Care

Do not beat yourself up for the choices you made or for getting into that relationship in the first place. Give yourself grace in order to heal from a bad relationship. Practice self-care and be kind to yourself. Know that this relationship does not define you. Spend time with friends and loved ones. This may mean having to reconnect with people that you have severed a relationship with, since unhealthy relationships can sometimes lead to broken bonds.

Remember the things you enjoyed before the relationship that you may have given up during the relationship. These could be great things to get back involved with. You may also decide to try something new. This could lead you to find something new and exciting that you enjoy, and take your mind off your bad relationship.

How-to Start to Heal From Verbal Abuse

While no relationship is perfect, there is a point where a relationship can turn abusive. Many people think of abuse as only being physical violence, but abuse can be verbal as well. Verbal abuse can be very painful and detrimental to the person experiencing it, and the relationship as a whole. It can be difficult to leave any relationship, even a bad one. Do not stay in an abusive relationship. While it may take a lot of time and support, you can start to heal from verbal abuse in a relationship. Know you can come out stronger, happier and healthier on the other side.

How-to Start to Heal From Verbal Abuse: Recovering from an Abusive Relationship

Cut Ties

The first step to start to heal from verbal abuse in a relationship is to cut ties with your ex. Some people think they need to stay in contact with their ex. You probably know that you should not contact them, yet for some reason you want to. This could be because you want to show your ex you are better off without them. It also may be because you feel you need to offer them forgiveness. However, in this situation, it is important to cut all contact with them. You do not want to fall back into the same bad relationship cycle again.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, it’s difficult to feel closure until you have cut all ties with your ex. Good steps to take are deleting their number from your phone and stop following them on social media. This will keep you from reaching out to them on a whim. If you do feel the desire to contact them, find ways to distract yourself. For example, go for a walk, call a friend, or do whatever you can to get your mind off of contacting them.

Process Your Emotions

Anything we go through something traumatic in our lives, we experience strong emotions. It is not surprising that starting to heal from verbal abuse can be an emotionally challenging process. You may feel low self-esteem, depression, anger or isolation. You may even miss your ex. Work through these emotions in a healthy way. Write in a journal, cry, scream, go for a run or find an activity that allows you to mentally and physically process your emotions.

Seek Support

When going through a tough time, it is important to have a good support network when. This could be a combination of friends, family, and a councilor. You will want to surround yourself with people you can talk to without fear of judgment. Oftentimes, people in abusive relationships isolate themselves from others. Reconnect with your friends and family to be surrounded by a loving support group. Additionally, find a therapist who specializes in domestic violence. They will be able to work through the recovery process and help you move forward with your new life as you heal from verbal abuse.

How-to: Update Your Estate Plan After Divorce

There are many things you will need to change and update if you get a divorce. For one, your will and estate plan will surely look different after a divorce. While there will be a lot of things on your plate, you will not want to forget to update some very important documents. These include your will, living trust, power of attorney documents, and your beneficiary designations. Learn how to update your estate plan after divorce.

How-to: Update Your Estate Plan After Divorce- Changes to Make

Will

If you want to update your will, the best way to do so is to make a new one and revoke your old one. You can revoke an old will by destroying it by means of shredding it or burning it. Another option would be to just make a new will and state in it that you are revoking your previous one. While divorce itself should divert any of your assets away from your ex, their portion will be given to another beneficiary. You should check into this, because the alternative beneficiary may not be who you want your assets to go to. The best thing to do is make a new, updated will based on your current wishes.

You can also state who you would like to take custody of your kids if both you and their other parent were to pass away. If you alone were to pass away, the other parent would likely get custody of your kids. If you want to contest this, you will need to indicate in your will the reasons that their other parent is not fit to raise them. This would at least be taken into consideration by a judge in the event of your death.

Living Trust

You should also update your trust as part of your estate planning after divorce… You will likely need to update some of the languages in your trust. Also, you will need to decide who you want each part of your trust to go to upon your death. Trust can cover things like bank accounts, IRAs, 401(k)s, 403(b)s, pensions, and more. By designating the trust to go to your minor children, you could prevent your ex from being able to control their assets.

Update Beneficiaries

It is likely that your ex is the beneficiary on most or all of your financial accounts. When you update your estate plan after divorce, you will want to consider changing this unless you still want your ex to get these accounts. If you have a new, updated trust, you can make the trust your beneficiary. This is especially helpful if your kids are minors. Otherwise, if you just directly put your minor children as a beneficiary, a court-appointed guardian will get it first. This court may choose your ex-spouse to be their guardian.

It is common for you to have to split your retirement accounts as part of a divorce. Usually, this is because they are marital property. Therefore, you may not be able to change who is the beneficiary on these accounts.