fbpx

Author: Robert Reeves

Post-Divorce Writing: Expressing Yourself

Feelings of depression are pretty common after a divorce. Shaking those negative feelings can be pretty hard. However, one thing which you might find helpful is doing some post-divorce writing. Taking some time to write can help you feel better in a few different ways…

Post-Divorce Writing

Get your feelings out

One thing post-divorce writing helps with is getting your feelings out. Aside from feelings of depression, you may also feel pretty upset, angry, or anxious. Bottling up those feelings can end up making them worse over time, before they eventually reach a breaking point. Therefore, it’s useful to have an outlet.

Writing will allow for you to have a way to get those emotions out of your body and onto paper. It might seem simple, but it actually can help quite a bit. As you continue to write, you’ll start to feel better and think clearer, and can start to work on healing.

Track your progress

Another useful thing about post-divorce writing is how you can use it to track your progress. Sometimes, people will think that they aren’t making any progress moving forwards after their divorce. This can keep them stuck in a bit of a rut, which creates a self-fulfilling cycle.

However, if you keep a journal or diary, then you’ll have some physical proof of the progress you’re making. As you fill it out, you can easily go back and see where you started and how far you’ve come. This can help give you the motivation you might need to continue making your progress.

Express your creativity

Post-divorce writing also gives you a way to express your more creative side. Many people like to try and get into new hobbies after their divorce, and the arts are definitely one of them. Writing in particular can be a type of activity you might find yourself interested in.

For instance, maybe you try to write some poetry. Or, perhaps you try writing some kind of short stories. Don’t worry about them being something others have to read. As long as you enjoy writing them, then that’s all that matters.

Co-Parenting Goals: Find Success

It can be a bit difficult to start co-parenting. To help you and your ex going in the right direction, it can be a good idea to set some co-parenting goals. These goals can help ensure your efforts result in success…

Co-Parenting Goals

Help the kids feel secure

Divorce usually causes your kids to feel a lot of uncertainty about the future. While you yourself might have a lot of questions about what’s next, your kids also will feel the same. Mainly, they might be worried about where they’ll live, or if the divorce itself was somehow their fault.

Therefore, it helps to set making the kids feel secure as one of your co-parenting goals. Having a good, consistent schedule can help them adjust to this new “normal” and feel more relaxed. Spending plenty of time with them also helps reinforce to them that you or your ex aren’t going anywhere.

Create a budget

Divorce also brings changes to one’s budget. As a co-parent, you’ll not only need to plan a budget for yourself, but also one for your kids with your co-parent. Usually, this budget involves things like major expenses, such as tuition or medical bills. That’s why this shared budget is another of the co-parenting goals to work towards.

One useful way to do this is by first meeting with your ex and going over your individual budgets. Then, you can look at what major kid-related costs you might have. By doing so, you can work on adjusting your budgets to meet your kids’ needs.

Better communication

Not all ex-couples will want to talk all the time after divorcing. Still, co-parenting will require some kind of communication between the two of you. After all, you’ll have to coordinate things like dropping or picking up the kids. Due to this, improving communication is one of the most common co-parenting goals.

A good way to do this is by keeping your conversations positive. Focus on the good things, like if the kids got good grades on a test, over negative topics. It’s also good to help keep them in the loop about any changes to your schedule which could impact your usual co-parenting plans.

Parental Conflict: Spare The Kids

Emotions usually tend to run a bit high during a divorce. However, if you have kids, you won’t want to fight with their other parent in front of them. Rather, it’s important to spare them from as much parental conflict as possible. There’s a few ways you can shield them from those heated disagreements…

Parental Conflict: Protect Your Children

Don’t fight in front of them

For starters, it’s important you keep any parental conflict away from the kids. You don’t want to have a major argument with them there. Doing so will not only scare them, but it’ll leave a lasting impression. This will make it harder for them to adjust to the divorce and process it in a healthy way.

If you come to a disagreement, you should do your best to avoid escalating things into an argument. Keep your calm and don’t engage in any name calling or yelling. Still, if you’re worried about things potentially getting heated, you should ensure your conversations take place in private somewhere away from the kids.

Don’t vent to the kids

Even if you don’t argue in front of the kids, you can accidentally get them involved in parental conflict. In particular, this could happen if you vent to them about the divorce and their other parent. Some parents might think it’s okay to do so, especially if their kids are older and say they want to help.

The reality is venting to them will put them in an awkward position. Suddenly, they’ll feel like they need to take sides, which could cause their relationship with their other parent to suffer. Instead, you should only talk about the divorce and any issue you have with your support network.

Follow the co-parenting plan

You should also make sure that any parental conflict doesn’t get in the way of your co-parenting plan. After a fight with your soon-to-be-ex, you might want to “get back” at them. One way you may do this is either by not dropping off the kids when you’re supposed too, or otherwise not following the original plan.

What this does is basically put your kids in the middle of the divorce. Now, they’re going to feel like they did something wrong, and that’s why things have gone the way they have. Doing this will also negatively impact any co-parenting plans going forward, and could even hurt your divorce goals.

Initial Months Post-Divorce: Making Changes

Those initial months post-divorce can be some of the hardest to adjust to. Going from being married to being single again isn’t always an easy task. However, there are some things you can do to make the process easier on yourself…

Initial Months Post-Divorce: How To Adapt

Stay occupied

You’ll probably notice that you have a lot of free time during those initial months post-divorce. For some, this can be a negative, as they spend this time thinking negatively about what’s happened. Rather than do other things, they’ll end up stuck in a rut feeling pretty low. One helpful way to avoid this is by keeping yourself busy.

Staying busy will help keep your mind off of the divorce. While it’s good to have days where you take some time and reflect, you don’t want everyday to be like there. Therefore, try to look for some new hobbies or activities which can keep you occupied. Plus, you’ll find that having something fun to do will encourage more positive thinking.

Have good support

It’s also good to not try and push through those initial months post-divorce on your own. After all, you probably had some help making it through your divorce. Therefore, don’t forget to keep that support going even after it’s over. Having that extra help can really help you feel better and more optimistic for the future.

Your friends and family will be an excellent source of support. They know who you are, and you know that you can trust them to look out for you. Still, if you’d like some specialized support, try meeting with a counselor or a divorce support group as well.

 Take things slowly

In the initial months post-divorce, you’ll probably have plenty of people offering their advice as to what you should do. While they may have good intentions, they won’t fully understand how you feel. As a result, you should take things slowly and do what’s best for you.

For instance, maybe some people will ask if you’ve thought about dating again. Of course, that’s not something they need to worry about. Rather, that’s something you should only do when you feel comfortable. Having that kind of mindset can help you avoid feeling “pressured” by what other people say.

Pre-Divorce Questions: Making Considerations

When you realize you’re unhappy in your marriage, divorce is probably going to cross your mind. Still, you don’t want to rush into a divorce right away. Rather, it helps to ask yourself some pre-divorce questions. These can help you see what kind of decisions you should make…

Pre-Divorce Questions: Things To Ask

“What’s bothering me?”

Perhaps the first of the pre-divorce questions to ask yourself is why exactly you’re unhappy with your marriage. For instance, is there one specific thing which is causing you to get upset? Or, are there a lot of problems which have led your marriage to deteriorate?

Once you know what’s bothering you, try to think about how you’ve addressed them with your spouse. If you haven’t, then it may be good to see if you can work on them and possibly turn things around. However, if you’ve tried and failed to fix things, then a divorce may make more sense.

“How will I break the news?”

When you’ve decided on a divorce, you’ll then need to consider how you’ll tell your partner. Breaking the news the right way is very important, especially if you want to try and make your divorce go smoothly. Telling them out of nowhere or at the wrong time can make them react much more emotionally to your plans. That’s why you should also ask pre-divorce questions regarding how you’ll tell them.

Rather, it’s ideal to tell them someplace private and when they aren’t busy. Make sure you keep your calm and don’t start accusing them or laying blame. While it’s not a guarantee that they’ll react calmly themselves, it’s much more likely to happen then if you were to tell them some other way.

“What are my future plans?”

Understandably, most of your pre-divorce questions will be about the divorce itself. Still, don’t forget to think about the future. You’ll have a whole post-divorce life that you’ll want to make sure you’re prepared for.

Consider what may change after your divorce is finished. Will you need to find a new job or house? What about your kids, if you have any? Take some time to really plan out what you’d like to do and it’ll be a lot easier to enjoy the new opportunities that come with a post-divorce life.

Vacations with Split Custody

Vacations with split custody can be an awkward situation to manage. You and your ex both share custody of the children, and you each probably want to take them on vacations. However, it’s easy to feel more nervous when your children are traveling without you. Therefore, it’s best to work together with your ex so that you can each make vacationing smoother. Give plenty of warning about your travel plans: don’t just bring them up last minute. Discuss the details of your trip with your ex so that they feel more comfortable. Keep in touch while you are traveling to ease nerves. And finally, remember to set aside your bitterness with one another to prioritize your children. Hopefully, by doing these things, you and your ex will each be able to enjoy fulfilling vacations with your children and make amazing memories.

Vacations with Split Custody: How to Make Things Smoother

Give Plenty of Warning

Vacations with split custody are easier to handle when you have plenty of time to prepare for them mentally. Therefore, you and your ex should discuss any future travel plans well in advance. Even if your vacation doesn’t impact their schedule, you should still keep them informed. After all, you’d want to know if they were taking your kids out of town.

Discuss Details with Your Ex

When going on vacations with split custody, it’s helpful to discuss the details with your ex. Parents often worry when they feel out of control of their children. Therefore, giving them a detailed schedule of your plans while traveling can help put minds at ease. In addition, if you’re taking the kids to do something like a beach vacation, make sure you both discuss water safety and expectations beforehand.

Keep in Touch While Traveling

Keep in touch while traveling to make vacations with split custody more smooth. Let your children call and check in with their parents as much as they want during the time they’re away. This will put everybody’s minds at ease. If you have questions concerning how to handle things like pool safety or curfews, make sure that you double-check and get on the same page together.

Put the Kids First

Finally, prioritizing your kids first is the most important thing for making vacations with split custody more enjoyable. They are the ones who you should be focusing on. You and your ex might have a lot of built-up resentment towards one another. There could be a lot of pain and bitterness. However, denying your children opportunities for vacations won’t change your past. Try to set aside your feelings and do what is best for your kids, even if it means swallowing your pride.

Vacations with split custody can often become an unexpected battlefield in the post-divorce world. You might not realize how anxiety-inducing it can be to know your children are traveling without you there. However, you will quickly get used to the idea and be more comfortable with it. It can help to discuss it with your ex in a productive way. Give them plenty of notice about vacations so that you can both prepare. Discuss the details and itinerary of your vacation together and make sure you’re on the same page with safety precautions. Check-in with your ex or your children while they travel to put your mind at ease. And finally, try to remember that your kids and their fun is the priority over any feelings of bitterness. Hopefully, by focusing on them instead of your divorce, you’ll be able to enjoy your vacation to the fullest extent.

Last Ditch Efforts Before Filing for Divorce

If your relationship is on the rocks, there are some last-ditch efforts before filing for divorce that you can try to save your marriage. You don’t want to file for a divorce and then, later on, wonder if you did everything possible to save your marriage. Start by talking it out with your partner. Try marriage counseling as a couple and work on your relationship. You can also try a short break away from each other. For example, just take a week apart to sort out your feelings. And finally, try to work on yourself. Divorce doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Maybe there are things that you can try to work through that would make you both happier. Hopefully, you’ll be able to find a way to save your marriage and become a stronger couple afterward.

Last Ditch Efforts Before Filing for Divorce: Save Your Marriage

Talk it Out

One thing to do before filing for divorce is to talk it out with your partner. Set aside a time just for this conversation. Pick a time when neither of you is stressed or angry with the other. Schedule it in advance and choose a place where you are comfortable that is not your own house. Discuss the seriousness of your relationship issues and decide if you both are willing to put in the effort to save your marriage.

Go to Counseling

Another thing that many couples try before filing for divorce is marriage counseling. Often, one of the main issues in a marriage is communication. A therapist is a great resource to help you develop better ways to communicate with one another. They can also help you with big life changes and give you ways to handle disputes more healthily.

Take a Short Break

One last-ditch effort to save your marriage before filing for divorce is to take a short break. This is not a formal separation. Therefore, set a time limit of a week or so. Take the time to sort out your feelings and get some space. Sometimes, having a little time to reflect alone can give you the perspective you need to see both sides of an issue.

Work on Yourself

Finally, it’s always a good idea to work on yourself but especially before filing for divorce. Speak with a therapist to help you sort out some of the emotions you are feeling. Try to let go of the victim mentality and see if you can get some perspective on your partner’s side of your issues. Sometimes when we are unhappy, it can show up as relationship issues. We blame our partners for the negative emotions we feel towards ourselves. A therapist can help you sort through these feelings.

If you are trying to save your marriage, there are some steps you can take before filing for divorce. It’s important to try everything you can so that you don’t have regrets later in life. Divorce is a serious step to take and an intense process. You want to make sure that you are ready for it before you file. Make sure that you and your partner have taken the time to have a real and serious conversation about your future. Set time aside in your schedule and plan the discussion so that you don’t say things in the heat of an argument. Try marriage counseling together or speaking to a therapist on your own. And you can take a short break to get some perspective as well. Hopefully, some of these suggestions will help you save your marriage and will allow you to grow as a couple.

Divorce Do’s and Don’ts

There is plenty of divorce do’s and don’ts to help make the process a little smoother for you. Divorce is one of the most stressful things that a person can go through in life. There are tons of things to watch out for, hidden landmines, and unexpected emotions. However, you can make it a little easier by sticking to these big do’s and don’ts. Do prepare early for your divorce and keep yourself organized. You should also make sure to hire an attorney early in the process who will represent your interests. Don’t trash talk your ex, especially on social media. And don’t forget self-care. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the stress, so make sure to set aside time to take care of yourself, too. Hopefully, your divorce will be a smooth transition and you and your ex can start the next chapter of your lives.

Divorce Do’s and Don’ts: How to Have a Healthy Breakup

Do: Prepare Early

One of the most important divorce do’s and don’ts is to make sure that you do prepare early. You want to get organized before you even begin the legal process. Gather financial documents and bank statements, and get together all the paperwork you might need to show your attorney. In addition, begin gathering a list of your personal property, your insurance policy information, and any legal wills or powers of attorney. The sooner you can gather all of these things the quicker the process will be.

Do: Get a Lawyer

Another of the divorce do’s and don’ts is to make sure that you do get an attorney. And get one early in the process. An attorney will represent your interests in your divorce case and will fight on your behalf to get the best settlement for you. They can instruct you on each step of the process and help you organize. When deciding which attorney to hire, find out if they have represented people in similar situations to yours. In addition, make sure that they have plenty of experience, proper credentials, and a professional manner. They aren’t there to be your friend or therapist: they’re there to fight hard for your interests.

Don’t: Trash Talk Your Ex

One of the most important divorce do’s and don’ts is don’t ever trash talk your ex. Especially on social media. You might have a lot of negative feelings towards your ex and you might want to let the world know. However, it can hurt your settlement if you are trashing them on social media or around town. In addition, if you are involved in a custody battle, trash-talking can not only hurt your kids but also your case. A judge is looking to see if you are willing to co-parent well, and trash-talking doesn’t show a commitment to a healthy co-parenting relationship.

Don’t: Forget Self-Care

Finally, one of the divorce do’s and don’ts that often get overlooked is don’t forget about self-care. Divorce is completely overwhelming. It’s easy to let stress and anxiety take over. In addition, you’re likely feeling hurt, guilt, excitement, nervousness, bitterness, confusion, and any other number of feelings. But don’t forget to take care of yourself. Take time each day to do something that makes you feel happy. This could be as simple as taking a moment to listen to a soothing song. Or a bubble bath, journaling for a few minutes, or a phone call with a friend. Just make sure that you prioritize your mental health. Speak with a therapist if you are feeling overwhelmed, as they can give you lots of advice on stress relief.

The divorce do’s and don’ts list could go on for pages and pages. However, these are big ones that can help make the process much smoother. Do make sure to organize early and hire an attorney as soon as you begin the process. They’ll be able to guide you every step of the way and get you the best settlement process. Don’t trash-talk your ex on social media as it can end up hurting your settlement or your custody battle. And don’t forget to take a little time for self-care. Divorce can easily feel overwhelming, so take a moment to check in with yourself periodically and take care of your mental health. Divorce can be stressful and sad, but hopefully, you can get the settlement you want. And hopefully, you can move on from this painful chapter of your life and begin the next one.

Reasons Why Abuse Can Increase During the Holidays

Unfortunately, while the holidays are meant to be a magical time of year, abuse can increase during the holidays. There are many specific reasons for this, but the overarching reason is simply stress. The holidays are a time when everybody is a little more stressed than usual. And in volatile relationships, this can, unfortunately, lead to an increase in abuse. Abuse can be physical but it can also be financial, sexual, or emotional. The increase in alcohol during the holidays can also be a contributing factor. In addition, people are often under more pressure financially. And finally, family dynamics can add another layer of stress to any situation. If you are experiencing abuse in your relationship, reach out for support and get the help you need to get away safely.

Reasons Why Abuse Can Increase During the Holidays: The Stress of the Season

Stress

Stress is the main reason why abuse can increase during the holidays. The holidays are more stressful because there is increased pressure to partake in all sorts of holiday activities. You have the added work of finding presents for family members. In addition, kids are often home from school and over-excited. All of these things can increase stress levels. Often, when abusers are stressed, they are more likely to lash out. They can reach a breaking point and be unable to control themselves.

More Alcohol

Another reason why abuse can increase during the holidays is that there is more alcohol. Alcohol is a big part of why some people hurt their partners. During the holidays, there are a lot of parties and events where drinking is common. This can lead to more abuse if the drinker is a mean drunk. Or if they simply have lower restraint.

Financial Stress

Financial stress is another big part of why abuse can increase during the holidays. Money is one of the biggest stressors in a relationship. It can cause many fights as well. And these can, unfortunately, get out of hand quickly. Not to mention the issues that many people are facing this year because of the pandemic. There are a lot of people who are no longer working or taking large cutbacks on hours at work. This can increase financial stress to a very high degree.

Family Stress

Finally, family stress can also be a reason why abuse can increase during the holidays. If your partner doesn’t get along well with their family, you might not see them very often. However, you might have to during the holidays. Family can easily open up old wounds, bring back negative memories, and bring out the worst in people. Because of this, some partners lose their control and end up hurting their spouses.

Abuse can increase during the holidays for many reasons. However, they mostly boil down to stress. Anytime an abuser is at an increase in stress, there is an increase in the risk of abuse. They already likely have a personality where they feel out of control of their actions sometimes. Adding the stress of the holidays to this can make them snap even more quickly. In addition, there is often more drinking and alcohol involved around the holidays because of various events. And financial stress can also increase with the pressure of buying gifts. And finally, any situation can be made much more stressful if you add in family drama as well. If you are experiencing any sort of relationship abuse, reach out and get the help you need. There are many resources available, but you can also reach out to a friend to help you stay safe this holiday season.

Letting People Know You are Getting a Divorce

Letting people know you are getting a divorce can be a stressor you weren’t even expecting. The divorce process is incredibly stressful. But telling people about it can also be a painful experience for many. Go about it in the best way possible to protect yourself and also make your divorce easier. When you first begin talking about divorce, you’ll likely need to talk things over with somebody. But keep it to just close friends and family. Let your boss know that you might be missing some work. After things are final, it’s okay to start letting everybody else know. However, when you go about this, make sure that you are keeping things friendly and civil. Being respectful to your ex will serve you better in the end and will likely help you have a less stressful experience.

Letting People Know You are Getting a Divorce: How to Even Start

Keep It to Close Friends or Family First

When you first begin letting people know you are getting a divorce, keep it close. Divorce should be a private matter until it is final and done. However, your close family deserves to know because your ex is a part of their family now too. Let your parents or siblings know about the divorce. If you need a confidant to talk to, choose a friend who will keep your private life private. You don’t want them spilling your beans to everybody you know!

Let Your Boss Know

When letting people know you are getting a divorce, it’s also a good idea to let your work know. There’s a good chance that you’ll need to miss some work for divorce proceedings. The court is only open during regular office hours, so if you go to court, you’ll likely miss some work. You might want to keep your HR representative informed as well.

After Things are Final

Letting people know you are getting a divorce starts when your divorce is final. That’s when it’s okay to start spreading the news. Some couples choose to announce on social media, while others just use word of mouth. You can also send out a mailing letting people know the news. Likely, once you begin telling people, the word will spread through your friends and family.

Keep Things Friendly

Finally, when letting people know you are getting a divorce, it’s important to go about it the best way possible. This means not trash-talking your ex. Sure, you might have a friend that you need to vent to now and then. But airing out your dirty laundry on social media or too many people is not a good idea. It makes you look petty and can make people very uncomfortable. In addition, if you are co-parenting with your ex it can be very damaging to your children. Keep the details to yourself, and keep things civil.

Letting people know you are getting a divorce is a whole part of the process that you might not have even realized can be stressful. However, it’s important to make sure you do it in a way that doesn’t hurt your divorce settlement or affect your future co-parenting relationship with your ex. When you begin the process, let only a few people know. Likely this will just be your close family and maybe a friend or two. Let your work know as well. Once your divorce is final, it’s okay to begin spreading the news at large. However, make sure that you keep things civil and avoid trash-talking your ex. The whole world doesn’t need to know your private life. Hopefully, you and your ex will be able to keep things somewhat friendly and keep the divorce process as stress-free as possible.