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Moving Post-Divorce: Make It Easier

The time after your divorce might be one full of change. One of the most common changes involves moving post-divorce. However, moves can be a bit tricky to pull off, especially after all that’s happened. That’s why there’s a few areas in particular you want to focus on…

Moving Post-Divorce: Make It Easier

Do some decluttering

Having just too much stuff is a common issue people who plan on moving post-divorce run into. It’s no surprise that the more things you have to move, the harder it’ll be to get it all taken care of. This can especially be a problem if you’re using a moving company, as they may charge you quite a bit to move all those things.

Therefore, it helps to do some decluttering. Use this time to get rid of things you don’t need or want any more. This is especially true for things related to your marriage that you want to get rid of. You can sell these things to get a bit of extra cash, or donate them so others can make use of them.

Don’t forget to clean

Not everyone really enjoys constantly cleaning up around their homes. As a result, you can imagine that those moving post-divorce into a new home especially don’t want to. Cleaning, when it feels like a near-constant occurrence, can cause a lot of stress and frustration. Still, it doesn’t have to be such a pain for you.

One way to make cleaning easier is by setting up a schedule. Pick certain spots of the house to clean each day instead of doing it all at once. That way, it won’t feel so overwhelming. Doing your cleaning this way can help keep you relaxed and your new home looking nice and tidy.

Make it your own

The trickiest aspect of moving post-divorce is making your new home feel like it’s really “your” home. After all, you might’ve just moved from a place you’ve lived at for years. Trying to make a brand new place feel the same can seem like an impossible task at first.

However, you now have the ability to really make your new home into what you want. You won’t have to worry about compromising on room designs and decorations. Take advantage of this and set your house up according to your taste, and soon it’ll feel like it should.

Emotionally Distant Children

Divorce isn’t always easy, and sometimes it can get quite messy. However, no matter how messy it gets, you want to do your best to leave the kids out of it. If not, you could end up with emotionally distant children. This is something which both of you will want to try and prevent…

Emotionally Distant Children

Knowing the signs

The changes that cause emotionally distant children can happen very quickly. As a result, it’s important to know what signs to look for. Often times, the most obvious signs are in their behavior. Your kids might stop wanting to spend time with you, or even be around you. Sometimes, it can get to the point where they refuse to even talk to you.

There can be a number of reasons as to why this happens. It might be because they were too involved in the divorce. Or, it could be that they’re struggling to process what’s happened. Still, don’t lose faith. Just because your children have started to act this way doesn’t mean you can’t stop and correct the process.

Be there for them

One way to help emotionally distant children is by making sure they know you care for them. Once they begin acting distance, the worst thing to do is get frustrated at them. This will only cause the divide to worsen. Instead, it’s important that they see you still truly do care for them.

Do your best to let your children know you love them. Always try to tell them so and that’ll you’ll be there for them. Often times, your children just need to hear the positive reinforcement to understand that things will be okay. Soon after, they tend to start warming back up to their parents again.

Don’t make it a conflict

It’s important not to use emotionally distance children as a reason to fight with your ex. Many times, they are experiencing similar situations themselves. Making it into a point of conflict when can further strain your co-parenting plans.

Therefore, avoid talking ill about your ex to your children. Doing so would just be reinforcing their negative beliefs. Also, avoid trying to “one-up” your ex by buying fancy gifts for the kids. Material items can’t really solve these more emotional conflicts.

High Conflict Co-Parenting

Divorcing on bad terms with your ex often leads to high conflict co-parenting. This type of co-parenting ends up being bad for both you, your ex, and your children. Therefore, it helps to try and work together to find some common ground and improve your parenting styles…

High Conflict Co-Parenting

Develop a fair plan

Often times, high conflict co-parenting comes about when former partners can’t come up with a fair plan. Co-parenting is all about having some kind of plan of action. This plan tends to cover things like who gets the kids on what days and the shared standard ground rules. However, many times parents try and make unfair plans which benefit them at the cost of their ex.

As a result, it’s important to work together on a fair plan. This plan needs to be something which works well for the both of you. You might have to make some compromises, but that’s always a part of making agreements. In the end, good plans make your co-parenting experience go much more smoother.

Communicate well

Another important factor in co-parenting is communication. Co-parents have to be able to talk to one another about their children. For instance, they might need to coordinate plans, make sure their ex can still take the kids, or ask if their ex can watch them as a favor. Not having that good communication tends to cause high conflict co-parenting.

One way to improve your communication is by keeping it focused on the kids. If you and your ex find that you can’t talk normally about things, then keep your topics focused on the kids. That way, you avoid talking about subjects which might end up leading to arguments.

Focus on the shared goal

The thing with high conflict co-parenting is that most times, both parents don’t want to hurt their kids. Instead, they just want to raise them in what they view as the best way possible. Therefore, instead of using co-parenting as a source of arguments, use it as a means to come together on some common ground.

Try to keep this shared goal in mind next time things get tense. You and your ex can begin to see that you both want your kids to have a happy childhood, and a good future. Putting things back into perspective can help you both start to work on your disagreements.

Common Divorce Reasons

People divorce for a wide variety of reasons. However, some reasons tend to be more common than others. These common divorce reasons can be indicators of when things are going south. Knowing these signs can help you realize when you might need to change course, or if it’s best to call things off…

Common Divorce Reasons

Infidelity

Infidelity is one of the most common divorce reasons. Cheating and affairs tend to be a breaking point for a lot of marriages. For many couples, this represents a violation of trust between each partner. Once this trust is violated, it’s hard for couples to reconcile and come back together.

The reasons behind why partners cheat aren’t always so clear-cut. Sometimes, it’s due to underlying issues in the relationship, especially in regards to intimacy. Other times, it could be due to pent up frustrations, or just when a partner gives into temptation. Ultimately, it’s up to you to determine if you can work things out with your spouse, or if you want to split.

Poor communication

Communication troubles also are one of the common divorce reasons. Good communication is an important foundation for any marriage. Couples who are able to talk to one another in a healthy and productive manner tend to work out their issues both quickly, and in a way that leaves both sides happy.

However, couples with poor communication tend to struggle. They end up in constant arguments, which just get worse and worse over time. Eventually, this leads to both partners becoming fed up with each other, and many will opt for divorce to prevent things from getting even worse.

Abuse

Abuse is one of the most unfortunate common divorce reasons. Marriage, and life itself is difficult, and sadly some people take out their frustrations out on their spouses. In these situations, divorce is a means for someone to get away from their abuser.

Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. In fact, it can also be emotional, or a combination of each. Either way, any kind of abuse is something which shouldn’t be tolerated. Remember that a person’s own personal safety should take priority in any kind of relationship.

Divorce Embarrassment

Divorce can cause a lot of different emotional reactions. One of these emotions which people tend to struggle with is divorce embarrassment. Whether it be over the divorce itself or people’s reactions to it, this embarrassment can really eat a person up inside. However, it’s also something which you don’t need to go through…

Divorce Embarrassment

Feeling like a failure

For many people, divorce embarrassment comes from feeling like a failure. After all, doesn’t divorce mean that your marriage has failed? However, it’s this specific distinction that you have to keep in mind. While your marriage hasn’t worked out, that doesn’t mean that your yourself have “failed” at life.

Your divorce doesn’t have to be the “defining” moment of your life. In fact, you have a lot more life ahead of you. Plus, you can now experience all these new things without an unhappy marriage holding you back. Your divorce was just one minor bump on the road.

Social implications

Divorce embarrassment can also stem from worries about how people will react to the news. Sooner or later, you’ll have to tell others you’re getting a divorce. Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone you know. But even telling your close friends or family can leave you feeling somewhat embarrassed.

However, you’d be surprised how many people these days are receptive and supportive of those they know who are divorcing. In fact, divorce is much more common these days than it used to be. Some people might react negatively, which is unfortunate. But just know these people are in the minority, and aren’t worth your time.

Setting a poor example

Divorce embarrassment doesn’t have to come from outside sources. In fact, you can get these feeling from within your own family, especially if you have kids. For some, this embarrassment comes from feeling like you’ve set a bad example for your kids about marriage.

Keep in mind that what you’re doing is actually setting a good example. You’re telling your kids that when they aren’t happy, they shouldn’t feel trapped in a bad situation. They may not understand it now, but down the line they’ll appreciate what you’ve done. Still, remember to always do your best to set that example daily.

Stepparent Boundaries

Adjusting to being a stepparent can be a pretty tricky task. There’s a lot of new things you’ll have to consider when adjusting to your new role. One of the hardest things you may struggle with are stepparent boundaries. As it turns out, there are a few lines which you may not want to cross…

Stepparent Boundaries

Replacing a parent

One of the major stepparent boundaries that you want to respect is your stepchildren’s other parent. Sometimes, new stepparents want to help their stepchildren adjust by being more of a “parent” rather than stepparent. This might include things such as wanting to be called mom or dad, or trying to encourage them to do things with you instead of their other parent.

However, it is very important to respect that boundary. Understand that you aren’t their biological parent, but that isn’t a bad thing. Stepparents have their own special roles that they fit in which your new stepchildren will learn to accept, and appreciate, in time. You can still be a great parent, even if they don’t call you “mom” or “dad”.

Giving out discipline

Another important stepparent boundary to respect is with regards to discipline. If you discipline your own children, you might figure that you can apply that to your stepchildren. However, doing so could severely hurt your new relationship with them, and potentially damage it permanently.

Your stepchildren are still trying to figure out who you are and if you can get along. If you begin to punish them, then their opinion on you will sour and things will just get worse. Instead, try to offer a shoulder of support, and leave discipline to your partner. Don’t forget the complex emotions they’re dealing with, and how that could be behind their actions.

Tangling with the ex

Stepparent boundaries aren’t just limited to your stepchildren. They also apply to your partner’s ex as well. As their new spouse, it can feel a bit tempting to support them when they talk to their ex. However, doing so could upset the balance that your partner and their ex have created in regards to their co-parenting. While you can offer advice to your spouse in private, don’t get engaged in their talks directly.

Phone Apps: Use Them To Cope

Technology has become pretty ingrained in our day-to-day lives. Therefore, it probably isn’t too surprising to know that there’s phone apps out there for nearly anything. In fact, you can even use these apps to help you cope with your divorce. Certain apps can be especially useful depending on what you want to do…

Phone Apps: Use Them To Cope

Improve your health

There are a large variety of phone apps out there that can help you with improving your health. Many people experience some issues with both their mental and physical health after their divorce. Therefore, it makes sense that you might want to make some improvements. That’s where apps can come in handy.

For your mental health, there are apps which can help you with positive thinking and setting goals to achieve. There’s also journal apps, which let you write down your thoughts at any time. As for physical health, there’s plenty of apps which can track your exercise, calories, and sleep to help you find the perfect balance.

Get in touch with others

Another common issue people face after their divorce is feeling isolated. As a result, you might be interested in connecting with some new potential friends, or getting back in touch with old ones. Luckily, there’s plenty of apps which allow you to do both, and in different ways.

Of course, there’s social media, which can let you find some old friends and catch up with them. Still, making new friends on these apps can be tricky, due to the more “impersonal” nature of them. However, there are also neighborhood-focused apps. These apps only include those from the local area. That way, you can get in touch with people you can easily meet in real life.

Start dating

After you’ve given yourself some time to heal and adjust to your new post-divorce life, you might be curious about dating again. These days, there’s plenty of different kinds of dating phone apps which you can make use of. These apps tend to be specifically tailored to the type of person you want to meet.

Still, it’s important to be careful when using these kinds of apps. Scammers can be pretty common on them, as well as people who are less-than-honest about who they are. Always remember that your own safety is a priority. Be wary of those who claim they can’t meet in person, or ask for a lot of personal info.

Narcissistic Ex: How To Communicate

Figuring out how to talk to your ex as a co-parent can be pretty tough. This can only get harder if you’re dealing with a narcissistic ex. While it might feel impossible at first, there are ways you can make it a bit easier for yourself when you have to talk to them…

Narcissistic Ex: How To Communicate

Don’t take the bait

One of the trickiest parts of talking to a narcissistic ex is how they like to change the subject. Often times, they might try to steer the conversation towards themselves or what they’re doing, in order to show off. Or, they might make jabs at you to try and get under your skin.

When this happens, it’s important to not take the bait. They want to get you upset, and in turn make you lose focus of the conversation’s original goal. Do your best to ignore those comments and stick to what you need to discuss. If they refuse to focus, then disengage and tell them you’ll talk at a later time.

Stick to “yes” or “no” answers

If a narcissistic ex tries to ask you questions, especially over email or text, they tend to make them not as straightforward as they should. For instance, they might include some kind of backhanded comment or brag about what they’re doing. While you might feel the need to correct the record, the best response is to keep your answers brief.

Ignore all the stuff they included that isn’t relevant to what you have to do as a co-parent. Single out those questions, and make it clear you’re only replying to that part of the question. For example, if they ask if you can watch the kids, but try to insert a brag about themselves, just say “yes, I can watch the kids” and leave it at that.

Set your boundaries

A narcissist, especially a narcissistic ex, loves to poke and prod at your boundaries. They want to push your buttons, find out what you’re doing, and figure out a way to either put you down, or lift themselves up. That’s why it’s important to keep your boundaries firm. Don’t give them any room to work with, and if they don’t respect the boundaries, then you know your conversation isn’t worth continuing.

Changing Jobs Post-Divorce

Divorce tends to b a time of self-reflection for many people. This is especially true when it comes to working. Some might consider getting a new job, where as others might consider changing jobs post-divorce. If you find yourself thinking about the later, there’s a few things you should evaluate before making a decision…

Changing Jobs Post-Divorce

Your stress levels

Divorce, understandably, is a pretty stressful event. Therefore, it’s no surprise that you’re probably looking to rid your life of excess stress. One of the areas many people look at are their jobs. Depending on their answers, it can help them decide on changing jobs post-divorce.

Think about how you feel when you’re working. Do you hate it, and dread having to even think about going into your shifts? Or, do you find yourself feeling pretty at-ease most of the time? If your job environment is too stressful, then it might be time to consider a change.

Financial situation

On top of stress, divorce can also cause you to spend quite a bit of money. Even after it’s over, you might have to spend on things like finding and moving to a new place to live. Plus, spousal and child support payments can also seriously change up your financial situation, and make you think about changing jobs post-divorce.

If you find yourself worried about money, it helps to first make a budget based on how much you make now, and your new costs. Are there any areas you can cut back on spending on to make sure you have money for the necessitates? Depending on how this budget looks, it can help you determine if a change is a good idea.

Quality of life

Remember that there’s more to a job than just the pay. There’s also other factors you have to consider. These quality of life factors can be very important, especially if your old schedule has changed due to your divorce. For instance, if you find yourself with custody of your kids, then you’ll have to consider how to balance a job with these new demands.

How well your job fits these changes can help you determine if changing jobs post-divorce is a good idea. Consider things like your work schedule. Is it flexible with your needs? Does your job also let you handle things from home on some days? Jobs which do can be much more appealing and handy than those that don’t.

Rebound Relationships

Trying to date again after your divorce can be very hard. After all, there’s no time table which tells you when it’s the right time to try again. However, trying again too quickly tends to end up making rebound relationships. These relationships are something you’ll want to avoid…

Rebound Relationships

What is a “rebound”?

Rebound relationships, like the name implies, are when you get into a relationship quickly after leaving your last one. Often times, these relationships usually form about a month or so since your last one. As a result, these relationships tend to not last very long.

Many times, people try to “rebound” with someone else who’s also coming off a break-up or divorce. However, this is mainly because they’re just looking for an emotional escape from the issues of their last one. While in the long run these relationships tend to not be harmful, they can stall your post-divorce recovery.

No need to rush

Despite how you might feel, there’s no need to rush into rebound relationships. Still, it can be hard to avoid them sometimes. After all, your thoughts and emotions probably aren’t in the best shape after your divorce. As a result, you can end up believing you’re in love with someone despite only knowing them for a short time.

That’s why it helps to just take some space away from the idea of dating for a while. Instead, spend this time doing some things for yourself. Start eating better, exercising, or pick up a new hobby. Right now, you need to get comfortable with yourself before thinking of dating again.

Learn from the past

Rebound relationships are formed out of the pain from the loss of your marriage. Still, that doesn’t mean you can’t turn that pain into something good. In fact, it’s a good idea to consider the lessons learned from your past relationship.

Think about the issues that you had with your last relationship. Then, think about how you can avoid them in your next ones. That way, you can actively avoid running into those issues again, and ensure your new relationships start out on the right foot.