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Considering divorce? Don’t stick it out for the kids

If you’re considering divorce, you’re likely worried about what that means for your kids. We, as parents, are constantly trying to figure out how to do the best by our children. We want to nurture them, and ultimately, turn them into upstanding members of society.

You might think that ‘sticking it out’, and staying married for the kids is the way to go to keep their environment stable. But, what you might not realize is that divorce can be healthy for your kids. This idea might seem counterintuitive, but we’re going to explain to you exactly why it’s not. 

Considering divorce? Don’t stick it out for the kids: Why divorce can be a good thing
You want your children to witness healthy relationships

If you and your spouse want to divorce each other; you are not portraying healthy relationships to your child. We all want better for our kids, and a large part of that is creating quality, healthy relationships. You have to be a model for that. While divorce might seem like a terrible thing to put your kid through, it’s even worse for them to witness you fighting all the time, avoiding each other, and putting each other down. There are worse things in life than divorce, which brings me to the second point.

They will learn how to cope with turmoil

Life throws a ton of different obstacles your way. If you can’t cope? You’ll lose it. Children of divorce often have more adept coping skills because they’ve had to do it before. A child of divorce has to be able to say how they feel, what they want, and be assertive. These are great skills for any adult to have, and many people don’t possess them. They’ll build better communication skills, especially if you and your ex can communicate in a healthy way. You’re teaching your child problem solving, effective communication, and how to be a better person in hard times.

Your children will be more relaxed

Kids are extremely intuitive. They can feel the tension in a room, and they can sense it between you two. Staying together when you’re considering divorce often creates a lot of stress for everyone involved. By going ahead with it and doing what you both want, and need, to do for your own sanity— can actually relax your children. No one wants to be president during someone else’s argument. Imagine seeing and hearing it all the time… sounds tough, right?

Your teaching your children to put yourself first sometimes

Being a parent is a selfless job. Everything you do is to create a better life for your little ones, but a divorce has to come for reasons that are selfish— but not in a bad way. Choosing to have a divorce is a decision you both have to make for yourselves, and for personal reasons.

Every person needs to have a fulfilling and healthful life. Sometimes, a divorce has to be part of that process. By going through with something that will ultimately create a better life for everyone, you are teaching your children that it’s okay to put yourself first from time to time.

Encouragement for A Single Dad: You’re Doing Awesome!

Being a single parent is extremely tough. But, being a single dad in particular does with its own set of unique challenges. For one, you’re typically seen as the one who should provide, but also as the one who isn’t involved quite as much. Gender roles and expectations, while we try and defy them, still play a part in how single fathers are seen every day. So, we’re here for you guys. Following, you will find a few pieces of encouragement that every single father needs. Your job is tough, and the expectations can make you feel small sometimes. We’re here to tell you that you’re doing a great, and you should keep doing what you’re doing.

Encouragement for A Single Dad: You’re Doing Awesome!
Set aside time for yourself, you’re important too

The one thing that most single parents forget to do, is unwind. You have a lot on your plate, and your job is never ending. So, whether you time is then minutes, or an hour— create a ritual for yourself. A long, hot shower, a night on the town, or maybe even a nice date. If you don’t do something for yourself every now and then, it can be quite difficult to not resent your role every now and then. A good reset, is just what the doctor ordered.

Take pride in the small victories!

Whether that’s cooking a solid meal, getting your kid to say ‘thank you’ to a stranger, or even just one kid using the potty— celebrate!!!!! You’ve just done something awesome for your family. Use this as an opportunity to feel the presence of all your hard work, and revel in it. Being a single dad is tough, but extremely rewarding. Especially in a moment you’ve worked hard for.

It’s okay to feel relief when you’re on your own for a bit

As we’ve said, and will say again— you need a break. You don’t have to feel bad for wanting them, and you definitely don’t have to feel bad for enjoying your alone time— even if that’s at work. When you drop them off at school, that feeling of guilt over wanting to close your eyes and fall asleep right there typically takes over for a lot of single parents. But, it shouldn’t! You work hard. At work, at home, in the kitchen, baths, bedtime… you have two full-time jobs. Repeat after me: it’s okay to enjoy alone time.

Have fun with it!

Ten years down the road, you’re going to look back and miss those rainy Saturday movie days, or evenings on the basketball court. When you have the chance to spend quality, fun time with the kids— leave all that other stuff behind. Work, custody hardships, financial woes— check them at the door for a bit. You have a unique opportunity to watch your kids grow up close, and to take the credit for the awesome people they’re becoming. Be the person you want them to be, and you can never go wrong. We wish you luck on this incredible, tough, and rewarding journey.

Money Management for Newly Single Parents

Managing money when you’re a single parent is tough— especially if you don’t have any form of child or spousal support. In short, money management is tough in any situation, but especially when you’re the one handling it all. So, we’re going to give you a little bit of help. Following, you will find a guide for any single parent who is struggling to juggle it all. From starting a savings, to scheduling bills, to breaking it all down into categories. We’re here for you. So, let’s get started.

Money Management for Newly Single Parents: Getting Settled and Comfortable
Create a schedule

Make a list of every bill you have to pay month to month. From electricity, mortgage, rent, HOA fees, cable, internet— the whole nine. Write down every bill and amount you pay. Once you’ve done that, add the due dates to that list. You want to know what goes out and when. When you’ve got your list complete— add them into a calendar you look at once a day. Whether that be a computer calendar, a physical one, or on your phone. Wherever your calendar resides, add your due dates to them.

Once you’ve added your due dates— create alerts

Paying your bills on the day that they’re due is all well and good. But, cutting it close is always more stressful than doing it ahead of time. So, remind yourself a week/ a few days/ whenever you prefer. But, ahead of time. It isn’t a bad idea to set one day aside to pay all your bills. Whether it’s the first Saturday of every month, your first paycheck of the month— whenever you have the most money in your account that you will for the month, is likely the best time. You want to feel comfortable while paying bills, and that’s likely right after you get paid.

After you’ve paid your bills, throw a little in savings

Creating a budget is a great thing to do. It helps you plan for the now and the later. Your budget should always include your bills, groceries, a bit of free money, and also a savings amount. Creating a nest egg and an emergency fund are essential to lifting that stress off your shoulders in the event of an accident. Money management can be quite tough. But, writing it all down and creating a routine for maintaining what goes in and out can make it a much easier process. Good luck!

Equitable Distribution, How Equal is It?

In South Carolina, we use the law of equitable distribution as a means of determining divorce cases. For many people, this term can cause a lot of confusion. Equitable distribution does not mean that the court divides property 50/50 between the couple. Rather, the court uses principles of fairness to decide how the property should be divided. But, what are those principles? And what factors go into consideration?

Fair and Equitable Distribution: How Equal is it?

It’s important to understand how much property you have before meeting with an attorney. The court takes into account all assets between the two parties before deciding the proper, fair equitable distribution terms. So, it’s important that you’ve done a complete assessment ahead of time.

So, what kind of property should you include?

The short answer is everything. First, there’s ‘real property’. Real property refers to land and houses. Real property, generally, is the most expensive property. Personal property includes almost anything else. The first considerations for most people generally are that of cars, furniture, and jewelry. However, personal property includes all general items that aren’t considered real property. So, that can be anything from a painting to a Kitchenaid mixer. In short, personal property could be any item in the home. Which means, that there’s a lot to consider.

Considering Debt

One other factor to consider in equitable distribution is debt. Personal loans, credit cards, hospital bills, and mortgages are all debts that the court will take into consideration when they make a final decision.

How Does the Court Decide What is Equitable and Inequitable?

Now, how does a judge make a decision considering all these different types of property and debt? Well, the court looks at factual circumstances in the marriage. For example, the income of each individual spouse is a big factor. Other than that, each spouse’s individual contribution is an especially significant factor for debt. Another major factor is that of fault. If one of the spouses is considered ‘at fault’ for the marriage’s failure, that has a large potential to sway the court in one direction or another.

Finally, it is important to remember that equitable distribution does not necessarily apply to all property and debt. It only applies to property and debt the was acquired during the marriage. If you buy or acquire the property and debt outside of the marriage— it is immune to the proceedings and is yours to keep.

Team parenting: Treating Each other as Parents vs. Exes

Parenting as a team after divorce can be tricky. You have unresolved feelings, bad memories, and often, the only point of contact is the child. But, what you might not realize is that treating your parenting situation as a team effort can have a greater, and less stressful, outcome for every party involved. While it might seem tough, and it can be; learning to treat each other as co-parents instead of exes will create a more healthful environment. Team parenting is no easy feat, but with time, and a bit of patience— you’ll be ready to become the best divorced parents on the block. So, let’s get to work.

Team parenting: Treating Each other as Parents vs. Exes
We know it’s tough

Co-parenting, or team parenting as we like to call it, is pretty tricky. Especially in the beginning, there are a lot of other emotions that come along with it. Being a good co-parent shortly after a divorce has a lot of different components. You have to put your own feelings aside to benefit your children. While that is the job when it comes to parenting, that doesn’t mean it isn’t challenging.

But, it’s even more rewarding

Where there is challenge, there is the potential for triumph. There might be growing pains, but finding your groove and treating each other as parents— and with respect, has a lot of potential for upside. You’re teaching your kids proper problem solving, how to respect those around you, and how to adapt to change. You might feel as if you’re failing sometimes, but you’re not! These adjustments take time, and a lot of effort. Cut yourself some slack.

You’re teaching your children how healthy divorce can be

A divorce doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Marriage is great, and no one is saying that the system is doomed. But, one day your children will become adults, and it’s healthy for them to understand that no one or thing is perfect. Marriage is fantastic, but in some cases, divorce can be too. Ask yourself this: would you rather your children use an unhappy marriage as the basis for their understanding of it? Or, would you rather let them witness a divorce that 1) makes both of the parents more happy, and 2) goes down in a respectable manner? Divorce will not ruin your children’s lives. If anything, how you handle it could be a really healthy learning experience for them.

Sole Legal Custody: Pro’s and Cons

Having sole legal custody of your children is tough work. You’re making the big decisions, provide for your children, and explain it all in the meantime. In short, you’re a super hero. But, if you don’t have to pursue sole legal custody— there are plenty of reasons to consider not going that route. People who typically pursue sole legal custody, don’t have a choice in the matter. Either one parent is not fit, or has some sort of issue that puts the child in danger. So, if you’re not having this issue— we’re here to help. Below, you will find a list of positives, and negatives, of sole legal custody. No one should have to go it alone, so let’s consider your options.

Sole Legal Custody: Pro’s and Cons

Pro: There is no debate when it comes to decision making

If you are having to make a big decision— you don’t have to go back and forth with someone else on it. You know what your child needs, so— in the case of sole legal custody— you’re the decision maker, through and through.

Pro: More consistency

In the event of sole legal custody, your child has a higher level of consistency. No shuffling back and forth, no range in rules and input— you are the one steering the ship. This is especially important in the event of one ‘unfit’ parent. You’re in charge of providing a consistent, healthy environment.

Con: It’s all on you

While having the ability to make all the decisions on your own, sometimes you don’t want to have to be that person. You have a big job on your hands, and you didn’t go into this thinking that’s how it would be. So, it can be trying and tough for that one parent carrying all of the weight. You bear the responsibility of making the decisions, but also of dealing with the repercussions. If you don’t have to do so, another agreement is worth considering.

Ultimately, sole legal custody should be reserved for extreme cases. Having all the control might feel like a victory, but when it’s all said and done— that’s a lot to handle. So, take your time with the decision. Try to put yourself in the other parents shoes if they’re capable of providing and being a parent to the child. Sometimes, it doesn’t have to all rest on your shoulders.

Child Support Payments: Understanding the Process For Beginners

If you’re about to start child support payments, but are unfamiliar with the process and the system— we’re here to help. Following, you will find a short, easy guide to navigating the in’s and outs of child support. From how they courts calculate them, to what they cover, and so on. No one is ever prepared to start splitting time with their child. And aside from that, support payments can often add insult to injury if you’re feeling left in the dark. So, let’s skip all that— and help you understand the meaning behind it all.

Child Support Payments: Understanding the Process For Beginners
What does child support cover?

Child support payments are typically based around four categories. Those categories are shelter, clothing, food, and health care. In short, a basic agreement meets the basic needs of the child. Other items such as extracurriculars, entertainment, and electronics, are not a ‘need’ according to child support. Therefore, they are not part of the agreement. Keep in mind that every agreement has the potential to be different. If there is something specific you feel the need to include— discuss it with your lawyer and go from there.

How do they go about calculating the payments?

As we continue to mention, child support payments are designed to meet the basic needs of the child, while also taking into consideration the income of each parent. Keep in mind that these things, the needs and the income, are both things that can change over time. So, after a certain period of time, you both can draft a new agreement that adapts to the needs of the child.

When do the payments get recalculated?

The standard period of time, barring any substantial change beforehand— is four years. You can assume that after four years, there will be some change to either of the two main factors. Those two main factors being child’s need, and parents income. If there is a sudden loss of job, medical emergency, or so forth— a custody agreement is eligible for renegotiating early.

Who pays what?

Typically, there will be one parent with physical custody. Physical custody means that the child is living in that parents house. Therefore, they are providing the day to day setting within which they live their lives. This means that ultimately, under the eyes of the law, they carry the heaviest load. So, that parent will be the one receiving support payments from the other parent.

Failure to Pay Child Support: Facing the Consequences

If you are currently paying child support and feel it is an unfair amount, you might be considering a stop on payments. Unfortunately, no matter how you feel about the arrangement, you are still under obligation to pay it. Choosing not to pay your agreed upon child support payments could have some potentially severe aftermath. From additional fines, to job interferences, and on down the line. Ultimately, failure to pay child support can land you in a world of trouble.

Failure to Pay Child Support: Facing the Consequences

Until you can renegotiate the terms of your child support payments, you’re ultimately under obligation to make them. If you’re facing financial hardship, I suggest reaching out to the other parent and seeing what kind of agreement you can reach. Because, if you do not pay— and you don’t show any effort to do so, you can face any of the following consequences depending on severity:

Dismissal from military

The military is quite serious about taking care of it’s dependents. While the military cannot force a member to pay without court order, they can most definitely make their life harder. Whether that be extra duty, or reduction of rank or pay. Ultimately, you are violating the ‘Uniform Code of Military Justice’ and can be court-martialed for anything from failure to obey order, willfully disobeying an officer, or bringing discredit upon the armed forces. As we’ve said they take denying your duties quite seriously.

Direct contact to your employer

Failure to pay child support can have a lot of consequences. But, one of the most embarrassing and public— is that of the state having to contact your employer. In doing so, they will become aware of your lack of payment. After the state contacts your employer, child support will draft directly from your paycheck. No one wants their home life to be brought into their work sphere. It’s personal, it’s embarrassing, but, if you don’t pay child support— it is a likely outcome.

Fines and Penalties

If you don’t pay child support, the state will likely tack on additional fees and fines to the amount you already owe. Back paying child support with added fines can be extremely costly, and if you can’t afford to do so— it’s much harder to convince a judge and the state after avoiding it. That leads us to our final point…

Jail time

While this is a last resort, it is still likely. The amount of time is dependent on the judge, and the amount of money is still owed. I’m sure you’re aware that working while you’re in jail, is pretty impossible to do. So, you emerge with more work and money to catch up on than ever before. Ultimately, your best bet is paying what you have to pay while you work towards a solution.

The Different Child Custody Arrangements and What They Mean

Navigating the different child custody agreements at first, can be pretty tricky. There’s a lot that you’re learning as you go, and chances are, you might not understand all of the terms and options that are being thrown around. There are a lot of different agreements, based on your specific needs. So, we’re going to explain to you the options when it comes to what agreement you go with. From sole, to joint, to legal, and beyond— together we’re going to work it all out. That way, you can make an informed decision that is best for your entire family.

The Different Child Custody Arrangements and What They Mean
Legal Custody

Legal custody infers that one parent is the decision maker when it comes to the child. That includes educational, moral, health-based and so on. The parent with legal custody is the one that essentially handles everything from start to finish. This agreement is not typical of a parental situation where both are present and competent. Legal custody is typically granted when one of the parents are not fit to make the long-term decisions.

Sole Custody

Sole custody is similar to legal custody in that one parent is the decision maker, but when they have sole custody— the other parent has zero access unless granted by the other parent. This typically takes place when one parent is abusive, an addict— anything that puts the child at emotional or physical risk.

Physical Custody

Physical custody is one of the more common forms of child custody arrangements. It implies that the child resides with one primary parent, and they have visitation with the other parent. One parent will have the majority of time, and receive the child support payments— as they provide the home, and maintain the day-to-day. These types of agreements are usually the route that couples take, aside from joint custody. This allows the child to have one primary home, and a set place to do their extracurriculars and so forth.

Joint Custody

Joint custody is the second most common agreement, and it is exactly how it sounds. Both parents share joint responsibilities when it comes to decision making, extracurriculars, taking them to school. Ultimately, they share every aspect of the child’s life. This would likely be the most common option if it weren’t for how difficult co-parenting can be for ex-spouses.

No matter what kind of agreement you’re looking to reach, there are options to get you there. The first step is doing your research, and consulting with an attorney as to what your next step should be. Whether you settle this agreement in court, or outside— it is important that you understand what you’re agreeing to, and how it affects you in the long run. We wish you luck as you navigate this process and the different child custody agreements.

Becoming a Better Step Parent

Being a step parent can be trying at times. If you watch any Disney movie, you know there is a stigma there of unruly step parents with scary motives. But, in all reality— you’re just trying to navigate your role and figure out where you fit in when it comes to being a step parent, and what that entails. So we’re going to try and help you figure it out. You’ve been a step parent for a while now, and you might still feel iffy— so we’re going to give you a few pointers on how to be a better step parent. From making yourself a little more confident, to making them feel a little closer to you. This journey isn’t easy, but you’ll be one step closer to figuring it out.

Becoming a Better Step Parent
Hold off on the parenting bit

If they aren’t your kids, it isn’t your job to discipline them. Especially not in the beginning. Embrace your role of a secondary parent. That means you get to be there for the child, cheer them on— but be hands off when it comes to the not so fun stuff.

While it might make you feel as if you’re in the background a bit, wait until you’ve established a deeper understanding of the child before you dive right in. It might take a year or more, but in the meantime— you get to be the fun one. That’s not all bad!

Be patient through their process of accepting you

Understand that while you and your spouse have chosen each other— the kids are kind of involuntary along for the ride. It might sound harsh, and believe me— it’s not meant to be. But, you’ve gotta go with the growing pains. A child, especially one who still has a divorce fresh in their mind— is going to be a little jaded.

They’re probably still under the impression that mom and dad will work it out, and your presence might have thrown a wrench in that. I know it’s tough to hear, but better coming from me than from the kids in a fit of anger. Be patient with them. It might take some time, but I guarantee— one of these days, they’ll extend a hand and it will all be worth it.

If you’re feeling unsure, talk to your spouse

Being a step parent, especially a new one, is tough business. Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. There are so many boundaries that you’re left to figure out on your own. Every child is different, and every parenting style is as well. If you’re feeling unsure about your role, or even discouraged— talk with your spouse.

They might not be able to provide a solution, because ultimately— the solution is time. But, you can vent. You can express your frustration, and get it all off your chest. As we’ve said, you have a tough new role to fall into. Finding ways to be a better step parent to your step children is trying at times. Take your time, find your peace, and know that with time— you’ll get there.