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Category: Co-parenting

Maintaining Mutual Friendships After Divorce

Maintaining mutual friendships after divorce can be tricky to navigate, especially at first or while you’re in the process of ending your marriage. It’s normal for couples to face some awkwardness from their social circle after a breakup.

Maintaining mutual friendships after divorce can be tricky to navigate, especially at first or while you’re in the process of ending your marriage. It’s normal for couples to face some awkwardness from their social circle after a breakup. However, if you and your ex want to maintain all of your friendships, it’s important to discuss this as a goal and how you both plan to make it happen. For example, talk to your friends up front about your intentions to remain in the social group. Avoid trash talking one another so that you don’t force any more hostility. And finally, don’t isolate yourself or wait for invitations. Instead, be proactive. Hopefully, you can use these tips to better navigate this difficult time in your life.

Maintaining Mutual Friendships After Divorce: Focusing on the Bigger Picture

Make an Agreement

If you and your ex have a large friend group, it can be painful to think about that group splitting up. Forcing your friends to take sides in your divorce will make everybody uncomfortable and is more likely to isolate you both from your social circle. Instead, discuss with one another how important it is to maintain your friendships, and work on avoiding things like trash talking or arguing in public.

Discuss Openly

Furthermore, maintaining mutual friendships after divorce is easier if you speak directly with your social group. Let friends know that you don’t plan on forcing them to choose sides, and that as much as possible, you both can get along in public enough to get invited to the same events.

Don’t Trash Talk

One important thing to remember with maintaining mutual friendships after divorce is that you’ll have to save your venting for somebody else. If you are determined not to force your friends to choose sides, you’ll have to cut back any trash talking. Otherwise, it’s likely that you will make your friend uncomfortable. Plus, your ex is likely to find out which can make things even more contentious. 

Stay Social

While it might be difficult, it’s important to be proactive when maintaining mutual friendships after divorce. Your friends might not know exactly how to react. So instead of isolating yourself or waiting for them to invite you to events, be assertive. Invite everybody out for a meal, or ask if you can come along to any events so that they know you are comfortable being around your ex or at least being around people who are friendly with them. Isolating yourself can negatively impact your mental health and create resentment.

Maintaining mutual friendships after divorce can be easier said than done in some situations. However, if you and your ex are both committed to keeping your friend group intact, it’s definitely doable. But you’ll both have to discuss things ahead of time and work on getting comfortable with at least being at the same events together without causing drama.

Moreso, you might have to tell your friends up front about your intentions so that they don’t feel like they need to choose sides. Avoid trashing your ex because it can make your friends feel uncomfortable and can harm your relationship. And finally, avoid isolating yourself, and instead be proactive about being social. Hopefully, you and your ex will be able to navigate this tricky situation without too much difficulty and keep your social group intact.

How-to Co-Parent Effectively

If you had kids with your ex, you are going to have to navigate co-parenting. Depending on your relationship, this can sometimes be more difficult than others. Some exes struggle with co-parenting, and others seem to do well with it. The most important things is to do what is best for your kids. Keep these tips in mind so that you can be prepared to co-parent effectively.

How-to Co-Parent Effectively: Raising Kids Together

Keep Drama Away

First, to co-parent effectively, do not bring your marital issues to your kids. It is not fair for your kids to hear one parent vent or complain about the other. Be respectful when talking about your ex. Do not try and get the kids to take sides. If you need to vent your drama, talk with a friend or a therapist. Do not use your kids as messengers for negative news or comments between you and your ex. When you are with your kids, focus on your kids.

Be a Team

Co-parenting is more effective when you work with your ex as a team. Be on the same page and have consistency between both households. This means having similar rules and schedule. Kids can adjust to living in two different homes better if their schedules stay similar.

To co-parent effectively, try and establish similar consequences for broken rules. Enforce consequences the the broken rules, even if the broken rule did not happen in your house. This will each of you to help show support of one another. The same can be said for rewarding good behavior.

Visitations

Try and make visitations and changing households as smooth as possible. This includes preparing the kids before they go to the other house. Start reminding them a few days before about the upcoming visit. If the kids are young, start helping them pack up their things in advance so that they will not forget anything. You can even pack a familiar reminder for them like a stuffed toy or even a photograph.

Another tip for co-parenting effectively is to make sure you only drop-off and never pick-up your child. If you come “pick-up”, it can make it seem like one parent is taking the child away from the other. Avoid this by choosing to “drop-off” your child instead. By dropping off, you avoid interrupting a special moment as well.

By following these tips, you can work towards co-parenting effectively. If you decide to keep drama away, work as a team, and properly prepare for visitations, it will make this transition for you, your ex and your kids.

How-to Help Your Kids Through Your Divorce

Divorce is tough. It is not just difficult for the parents, but for the entire family. This change can bring up a lot of emotions for kids, including disbelief, sadness, confusion and anger. They will be thrown into a new life that they did not pick for themselves. Parents should not get so wrapped up in themselves that they forget to make sure their kids are okay. Make sure to put in the work to help your kids through your divorce.

How-to Help Your Kids Through Your Divorce: Parenting Steps

Arguments

First, to help your kids through your divorce, make sure to not have a heated argument in front of them. Keep those private. Yelling, screaming and fighting in front of them are only going to make your kids afraid and upset. Constant anger and hostility between parents are a big burden for kids to carry. Also, seeing openly hostile arguments could teach your kids bad behaviors that could carry on into their adulthood.

Work to work through conflicts with your spouse behind closed doors. If you are unable to do this on your own, seek a mediator or a divorce councilor. However, for their sake, keep your kids out of it.

Listen

Listen to your kids when they express their thoughts or feelings about your divorce. Also, pay close attention to their reaction. Some kids may say that they are “fine”, but may be covering up how they really feel. They may not know how to process what is going on. On the other hand, they may be worried they will make you upset with telling you how they feel. Let them know it is okay to be upset or mad about the divorce.

Some kids may need to talk to a councilor about their feelings. This safe space may allow them to open up and talk through their true emotions. Having your kids work out their emotions and feeling in a healthy way is a great way to help your kids through your divorce.

Do Not Over Promise

It is important not to over promise things that are our of your control. For example, do not set up the expectations that your child will be able to see their other parent as much as they used to if you are not sure if this is true. It is okay to tell your kids that you don’t know how things will work out. This honestly will be much more beneficial to help your kids through your divorce than setting up false expectations.

Self-Care

Finally, make to take care of yourself. Self-care is crucial for your health. An important way to help your kids through your divorce is by making sure you are taking care of yourself too. You will not be able to take care of your children to the best of your ability if you don’t take the time to take care of yourself. Getting some exercise, eating healthy, getting enough rest, and paying attention to your mental health are great steps to take. You can not pour out love, happiness, and support if you have nothing else left to give.

How to Build Trust with an Older Adopted Child

It can be time-consuming to build trust with an older adopted child or foster child. Often, these children have been through various forms of trauma. You might not be the first parent that has attempted to build trust with them. Their past experiences will have a big effect on how long it takes. Give it time though, and understand that trust is not built overnight. You must earn it through your words and actions. For example, by keeping your promises to them. Showing them respect shows that you value and trust their opinions as well. And finally, always be honest with and in front of your children so that they can see that anybody, not just them, can trust you. Try to be patient and remember that it can take time but that the journey will be worth it in the end.

How to Build Trust with an Older Adopted Child or Foster Child

Give It Time

The most important thing to remember when trying to build trust with an older adopted child or foster child is to give it time. Many foster children and children who have been searching for adoptive parents for years have experienced trauma. Just being in these systems is traumatic. So remember that trust can take a long time to build. Just be patient and always be consistent.

Keep Your Promises

In addition to being patient, you always need to keep your promises. This will go a long way in building trust with your older adopted child or foster child. Don’t be afraid to make promises, but just be sure there isn’t a possibility of breaking them. This shows your child that you follow through on your word. You can use simple examples like ”I promise that we will read a story together tonight.”

Give Them Respect

Another way to build trust with a foster child or especially an older adopted child is to give them respect. Look them in the eye when you speak to them. Ask their opinion on things. Let them make decisions about how to play or what to do and then you be the follower. Showing them that you value them as a person and value their ideas will make them more likely to trust you as well.

Be Honest

Finally, one last way to help build trust with an older adopted child or foster child is to always be honest. Not just honest to them, but honest around them. Otherwise, they’ll see that you can’t be trusted since you lie to others. What’s to stop you from lying to them? Even if you have to tell them disappointing things be honest. Don’t keep things from the social worker, don’t sneak food into movie theaters when it’s not allowed, and don’t try to do anything dishonest no matter how insignificant. If they see that you are always honest with people then you can build up that trust with them.

Building up trust with an older adopted child or foster child can be a long and sometimes painful journey. You might want the absolute best for them and want them to know that. But unfortunately, they might have past experiences that don’t let them trust people so easily. It’s a process that can take a while, but as long as you are consistent and patient, they will trust you more and more. Always keep your promises to them, no matter how small. Show them respect and they will show you more respect and trust in return. And finally, always be completely honest with them and around them at all times. Having somebody that they can trust helps children develop socially and academically, so be patient, consistent, and trust the process.

Steps to Becoming a Foster Parent


If you are becoming a foster parent, you’re making an amazing decision that will improve your life and the life of the child you foster. There are so many children needing supportive foster families out there. However, the process of fostering does require some up-front work. Fostering agencies have to make sure that the parents they place children with are able to give them proper care. This requires training on the part of the foster parents. In some states, a license is actually required. Next, you’ll have an in-home visit where the agency makes sure that you’re prepared for a child. And finally, you’ll have to pass a background check. After you’ve completed all of these steps, you’ll be ready to take in a foster child and begin a relationship that will change your life.

Steps to Becoming a Foster Parent: Getting Prepared

Training

The first step to becoming a foster parent is taking a training course. This will probably cover an overview of the child welfare system and how the process of fostering works. It will help families decide whether or not this is a course that is right for them. It will also provide you with some understanding of what types of behaviors you might experience from foster children as a result of them being in the welfare system. Many children have been through the trauma of one sort or another, and the training program can help you be better prepared to help them.

Licensing

In some states becoming a foster parent requires a specific license. For example, in North Carolina, parents must complete a 30-hour course and then apply for a fostering license. Fostering and adopting are two very different things, although sometimes people get them mixed up. In states where you have to get a license, you often need a separate license if you are applying to adopt a child.

In Home Visit

After you’ve completed your training, the next step to becoming a foster parent is the in-home visit. This is when somebody from a foster agency comes to your house to check out how you live. They’ll ask you tons of questions about your lifestyle. They’ll also make sure that you have the essentials for bringing home a child. If you’re fostering a baby, you’ll need to show that you have a crib and have babyproofed. They aren’t trying to find fault with your home, but instead just getting a feel for how you live your life.

Background Check

Finally, the last piece of the puzzle to becoming a foster parent is passing a background check. Foster agencies must make sure that the children they place with foster parents are in a safe environment. Once you choose a foster agency you’d like to work with, they’ll likely order the background check. All in all, a background check keeps the children safer.

Becoming a foster parent is an amazing life-changing decision to make. It’s one that will probably be very difficult but even more rewarding. However, there is prep work to do upfront. You’ll decide which agency you’d like to work with and then begin training. Next, if you live in a state where it’s necessary, you’ll need to apply for a license. You’ll have an agent come to your house for a home visit after that. And finally, you’ll need to pass a background check. Once you’ve completed all these steps, you’ll be ready to take in a foster child and start providing some much needed support to a child in need.

Parallel Co-Parenting

Many couples find that becoming co-parents isn’t as easy as they had thought. If you find you’re having trouble, then it may help to try parallel co-parenting. This approach could be the solution to your problems and help you reach a more cohesive plan…

Parallel Co-Parenting: How It Helps

Conflicting viewpoints

Some couples will actually agree for the most part on what their co-parenting plan should be like. For some, however, they may find they struggle to even be in the same room as each other. This means it’s nearly impossible for them to come to a shared-upon plan.

As a result, more time will be spent fighting then coming to any sort of middle ground. Most co-parents in this situation will see their attempts to talk to one another end up in personal arguments. Not only will this make things harder for you, but it’ll make it much harder on your kids too. That’s why parallel co-parenting is a helpful option to consider.

Parallel approach

A parallel co-parenting plan aims to let you fulfill your co-parenting duties without the drama. Basically, you’ll be taking a more business-like approach to dealing with your co-parent. You’ll focus only on the kids, keep it to-the-point, and preferably do it in a way that won’t cause issues.

These plans also allow for a bit more independence then other ones. Of course, you’ll want to make important decisions on things like education or medical care together. But, for those more mundane day-to-day matters, you can be a bit more flexible as to what you decide to do.

Key benefits

The parallel co-parenting system comes with a good number of benefits. For starters, it lessens the amount of conflict between you and your ex. That means you can spend less time fighting, and more time being parents to your kids. The lack of conflict will also be great for your kids’ wellbeing too.

It’ll also give you more confidence in your parenting decisions. You won’t have to worry as much as to what your co-parent will say and if it’ll turn into an argument. With a parallel plan, both you and them can still parent effectively while maintaining flexibility.

How-to Handle an Unhelpful Co-Parent

Ideally, you and you co-parent will be able to work well together after your divorce. However, there may be times when you have to deal with an unhelpful co-parent. Knowing how to handle these kinds of situations is important for avoiding any major conflict…

How-to Handle an Unhelpful Co-Parent: Manage Problems

Consider the issue

When you have an unhelpful co-parent, you should consider what exactly the issue is. In particular, is the problem related to them refusing to co-parent? If not, then they may not be trying to be unhelpful on purpose. Instead, it could just be a misunderstanding.

After all, co-parenting isn’t always easy. This is especially true when you’re just starting off. When you’re running into issues, consider if they’re more just growing pains rather than purposeful difficulties. That way, you can better approach your co-parent and work out what’s wrong.

Troublesome topics

It could be that you only deal with an unhelpful co-parent when it comes to specific situations. For instance, maybe you notice you run into troubles when you ask for schedule adjustments. Everything else may be fine, but it’s this area where they always seem to be rather unhelpful.

It could be that there’s some kind of communication breakdown occurring. When you experience miscommunication, it can make your co-parent get the wrong idea about what’s going on. In turn, this can make them act rather unhelpful. Clarifying matters with your co-parent can clear these problems up and ensure you’re all on the same page.

Consider some changes

One thing you should consider is if any changes will help you solve your unhelpful co-parent problems. It could be that a lack of flexibility is leading to your struggles. It may even be that your co-parent thinks you’re the unhelpful one! At this point, you’ll definitely want to change things.

Even minor changes can go a long way in resolving your issues. Therefore, be open-minded and listen to what your co-parent has to say. By showing you take their concerns seriously and are willing to make some changes to help them, it’ll go a long way in avoiding other problems. Soon, you’ll see that your co-parenting arrangement will now work for everybody better than before.

The Do’s and Don’t of Visitation After Divorce

The transition from living in one house to two houses after a divorce can be very difficult for children. There are plenty of do’s and don’t of visitation after divorce to make this transition easier for your kids. You should try to be flexible on time and schedule with your ex-spouse. In addition, always be respectful when interacting with one another in front of your kids. Don’t try to win your children’s love by spoiling them. And don’t use your time with the children to bad mouth your ex. Your children need you to remain supportive and respectful to make this difficult period in their lives a little less stressful.

The Do’s and Don’t of Visitation After Divorce: Make the Transition Easier

Do: Be Flexible on Time

One important rule of visitation after divorce that can help smooth things out is to always remain flexible. If you and your ex are trading children back and forth between your houses, there will be times when you get off schedule. It’s inevitable that something will delay you at some point or another. If you set the precedence of being understanding with one another from the get-go, it can make any situation that comes up less combative.

Do: Be Respectful

When you and your spouse are interacting during visitation after divorce, always be respectful of one another. Whether or not you believe they or you are in the wrong, it’s important to put on a good face for your children. They will be watching how you interact with each other. Showing them that you can still be kind and respectful will teach them a valuable life lesson. In addition, parents yelling in front of children can induce anxiety. And surely the last thing you’d want for your children is to be scared when they are already having to adjust to so many changes.

Don’t: Spoil the Children

Visitation after divorce is a time to re-connect with your children. It should strengthen your relationship with them. Don’t try to buy their love by giving them tons of gifts. You’ll just wind up spoiling them. In the end, if you can use your time to connect with them and build trust, they’ll be closer to you in the long run. Children should look forward to spending time with you and not just getting presents.

Don’t: Bad Mouth Your Ex

One important rule for visitation after divorce is to remember never to bad mouth your ex. You and your partner might have a very contentious divorce. But your partner is still a parent to your kids. You don’t need to rope your children into the details of what went wrong in your relationship. In addition, don’t make your children feel guilty for spending time with their other parents. You should never try to disrupt the relationship between your ex and your children. Just like you wouldn’t want them disrupting yours.

Visitation after divorce can be complicated. It’s a large adjustment for children who are used to spending time with you both in one house. However, you can ease the transition by remembering to be respectful of your ex and never bad-mouthing them to your children. In addition, try to remain flexible about timing. And remember to make the most of your time together instead of just trying to buy their love with presents. They are going through a stressful time in their lives. They need to support and dedication of both parents working together. If you and your ex can put aside your differences and focus on what’s best for your children, you’ll be able to make visitation a very positive experience for them.

Co-parenting with Your Ex: Communication

Co-parenting with your ex can be challenging for both the parents and the children. In some cases, there has been domestic violence or substance abuse that would make joint custody especially difficult. However, in most cases, there are ways to co-parent amicably that will be beneficial for everyone involved…

Co-parenting with Your Ex: Improving Communication

Communication Challenges of Co-parenting with Your Ex

Having different schedules, different homes, and other relationships and marriages can make co-parenting with your ex difficult. You will also likely have strong feelings of anger, disappointment and resentment towards your ex. Although it may be difficult, you must work past those for the sake of your children. This could help your child’s well-being, stability and happiness. 

In order to keep your emotions about your ex out of your co-parenting, you will likely need to address them elsewhere. Find a therapist, counselor, or a friend to vent to, or relieve stress through exercise. While it will be difficult, remember that you are doing this for your children.

Better Communication While Co-parenting with Your Ex

Since you will be co-parenting with your ex for your child’s entire childhood, forming good communication habits will be important. By making these guidelines early on, your communication may get easier over time.

To start, listen and show restraint. Even if you don’t agree with them, let your ex express his or her opinions. Try not to overreact to anything that they say. Overtime, this may get easier. Instead of making demands, try making requests. For example, replace “Do this” with “Would you be willing to…?” This could help keep your ex from building up walls against you. 

Keep Children Out of the Middle

Don’t get your children involved as the middleman. Talking negatively about your ex to your child may be harmful to your child’s relationship with their other parent. Your child deserves to have a relationship with their other parent without having your emotions thrown in. You certainly don’t want to make them have to take sides, as that isn’t fair to them. 

Also, don’t send negative messages to your ex through your children. Handle all issues with your ex directly. When communicating, it may help to speak to your ex like you are in a business meeting. In this case, you are in the business of co-parenting your child. As you would in business, be respectful and cordial.

If you find that communicating with your ex gets to be too difficult…

…find some quick and easy ways to relieve stress. Co-parenting with your ex may always be difficult. Start by taking steps to improve your communication can go a long way.

Having a Baby to Save Your Marriage?

Having a baby to save your marriage is not a good idea. While movies can sometimes make us think that having a child will magically repair a broken relationship, the truth is that children just add stress. Adding a child into the mix isn’t going to help things if you and your partner are already on shaky ground. Instead, it will create way more pressure and anxiety in your lives. Plus, it isn’t fair to the baby that’s being used as a game piece or Hail Mary. Finally, both you and your partner will be limiting yourselves and the amount of happiness that you can experience. If your marriage is feeling shaky, the best thing to do is pause and work on things before ramping up the pressure with a child.

Having a Baby to Save Your Marriage: Is It Ever a Good Idea?

It Won’t Fix the Underlying Issues

The main reason why having a baby to save your marriage is dicey is that it doesn’t fix anything. If you and your partner have issues, creating a new life doesn’t address them in any way. Sure, it can kick the can down the road for a few years, but your problems will come back. You and your partner need to address your concerns head-on through open communication and counseling.

It’s a Pressure Cooker

Another reason why having a baby to save your marriage is a dangerous game is that it just adds stress to your life. Babies need constant care, and children need your full attention. Even if you have a healthy, easy baby, the parenting process is overwhelming. You and your spouse will get very little sleep, and tempers will run short. Not a good recipe for fixing marital issues.

It Isn’t Fair to the Baby

It also isn’t fair to the child if you’re planning on having a baby to save your marriage. You should bring a child into the world because you want to raise it together and give it all of your love. Not to use it as a crutch for your relationship, or a bandage. If you are already having issues, a baby is only likely to exacerbate things. This means that you’ll be bringing a child into a relationship with arguments, where neither partner is really happy.

Limiting Your Happiness

Finally, having a baby to save your marriage just means that you’re limiting your potential for happiness. You deserve to be with somebody that makes you happy. And in a marriage that fulfills you with a partner that is willing to give equal effort. If you have a baby with your spouse and then you decide it’s best to go your separate ways, you’ll be tied together for life. It’s much better to figure out what you both want out of the future now.

Having a baby to save your marriage isn’t the answer to your marital problems. Parenting is hard work, and you deserve a teammate you can count on. If you and your partner are already having issues without the added stress of a child, creating a baby isn’t going to lessen your problems. Instead, it’s likely to put much more pressure and stress on your marriage. Not to mention that it isn’t fair to the baby. And if you and your spouse are better off as exes, it’s best to find that out before you’re tied together as co-parents for the rest of your lives. All in all, the answer to marriage struggles is not a child. Instead, take a pause, do the work, and decide whether or not this is a marriage that can last.