fbpx

Category: family law

Gray Divorce: What it is, Why People Do it, and How it is Negative 

There are many different forms of divorce, and everyone who does it— does so on their timeline. For reasons like these, family therapists and attorneys alike find themselves using the term gray divorce to describe a a certain type of legal separation. But what exactly does this mean? And what drives people to take this route, versus an easier one? While the people taking this route often do it for selfless reasons, it can actually be quite damaging to both them, and the people around them…

Gray Divorce: What it is, Why People Do it, and How it is Negative

First things First: What is a Gray Divorce?

Well, the name is actually quite telling. A gray divorce is a divorce between two people who are later in life. These are typically empty nesters with adult children and grandchildren. These divorcees will wait until their children are grown as a means of ‘protecting them’ from the sadness that is typically associated with children of divorce.

What’s different about this type of divorce?

There are actually quite a few things about gray divorce that make it different than your standard. For starters, there is typically estate planning happening, retired parties, social security benefits, more frequent health insurance usage— and these are really just the heavy hitters.

When you retire, you have a lot more benefits coming in, and you’re likely considering pulling from your retirement account to start using that to settle down for those later years. However, when you choose to separate, all of these benefits will have to be split and reevaluated. When it comes to benefits you’ve been sharing for the majority of a lifetime, that’s no easy feat.

Estate planning, in particular

One of the most difficult aspects of gray divorce is estate planning. For starters, it should be dealt with first and foremost. Estate planning, if you’re unfamiliar, is deciding what goes where in the event of death. Often, a couple will not think to adjust their will’s. In turn, after death, their ex-spouse will have control over all assets.

There is no right time for divorce

There’s no perfect time to separate. While we understand that you were making this decision to ease your family into the idea, it can be damaging to everyone involved. Staying in an unhappy marriage is bad for your health, and it also likely shows more than you believe. No one wants to put their children through a divorce. But, sometimes putting them through that divorce is much more manageable than letting them bear witness to a lifetime of miserable parents. Your needs are important too, even when you have children. So, consider the negatives and positives before choosing to wait ten more years… We wish you luck in this difficult time, and offer our services if you might need them.

Telling the Kids about New Partners: Breaking the news smoothly 

The time will likely come for every divorced or single parent when they must share the news of new partners with their children. You’ve finally found someone who makes you happy, and wants to bond with your family. While this is an exciting time, it can also be quite nerve-wracking as well. After all, you have to introduce the idea to your children, and then allow your partner to introduce themselves. So, it can take some preparation beforehand. That’s where we come in. Below, we’ve come up with a quick guide to breaking the news smoothly and getting to the part where everyone gets along. 

Telling the Kids about a New Partners: Breaking the news smoothly 

Before you ever introduce your children to your new partners, you need to introduce the idea to three different people: your children’s other parent, you partner, and then your children alone. You don’t want to spring this on any one of them. Doing so will only damage the possibilities of a successful meeting, So, before you even consider bringing the idea to your new partner or children, speak with your co-parent. 

Tell them that you’ve met someone, it’s serious, and you’re ready to bring them around your children. It’s important to understand that you need to clear this with them before making introductions. While this is your household, your relationship, and your children— they are also your co-parents’ children. So, be respectful— just as you want them to be towards you. 

Once you’ve cleared it with co-parent, speak with your new partner 

While you might think that your new partner should be ready to go on meeting your children, it’s important that you present the idea beforehand. you shouldn’t spring this on your partner, just like you shouldn’t with your children. This is a big step, and while you might feel ready— maybe they’re not. So, ask them. Don’t say ‘this is what I want’. Instead, explain that you care about them deeply, and want to make the next step and make them part of your family. 

After speaking with your new partner, and getting the go ahead— it’s time to move into step number three: telling your children. 

Now, every child is different. Therefore, every reaction will be different. However, how you present the idea is extremely important. You might be the first of their two parents to enter into a new relationship. In that instance, it might take some time for them to get used to. Speak their language. Make your children understand in their own unique way that you’ve found someone who makes you really happy and that, if they want, you’d love for them to meet him/her. Allowing your children to be in the driver’s seat in this scenario can make them feel more in control of a time that can be overwhelming to some. 

Understand that this situation might not go how you want it too 

The first step to bringing someone new into the equation, is accepting that it might not go as planned. Someone, somewhere, along the way could have an adverse reaction or decide that they aren’t ready. While this isn’t ideal, it’s part of the new stage you are entering. There will undoubtedly be growing pains and tough days. But, with the right person, it will all be worth it. 

Considering Adoption of Foster Children? Understand the Laws

When you foster a child, you often develop an emotional bond with them. Good foster parents are often hard to come by as a foster child. Therefore, when they find a place that is comfortable, nurturing, and familial— both the parents and the child will likely decide to make the arrangement more permanent. Considering adoption of your foster children is admirable, yet complex. When it comes to the laws involved, adoption of foster children can be quite difficult. One recent South Carolina case, SCDSS vs. Boulware, has become a turning point for laws considering the adoption of foster children.

Considering Adoption of Foster Children? Understand the Laws

The Facts of the Case

In this case, a minor was placed into emergency protective custody after police discovered the child was living with the parents outside a meth lab. They also found that the child was sunburned, had insect bites, severe diaper rash, and tested positive for meth, cocaine, and marijuana.

DSS immediately placed the child into a foster home with Edward and Tammy Dalsing. At first, the family court ordered for the child to return to the parents after they completed parenting and substance abuse classes. However, the court soon found that the parents weren’t attending these classes. Furthermore, they had been arrested on possession of meth.

Termination of Parental Rights

The court quite obviously terminated the parental rights (TPR) for the child’s biological parents. Then, DSS reached an agreement to place the child with an aunt and uncle while the parents finished their treatment plan. The Dalsings then filed for a private TPR and adoption action of the child.

The family court terminated the parental rights of the parents, but also dismissed the Dalsings’ adoption action. The court argued that they did not have standing to pursue a private adoption of a child in DSS custody. They granted custody to DSS. The court of appeals affirmed this decision and the case went to the SC Supreme Court.

The Case goes to Supreme Court

The SC Supreme Court stated that the Dalsings actually did have standing to pursue a private adoption action. They cited S.C. Code § 63-9-60(A)(1) which allows any SC resident to petition the court to adopt a child, but disallows it when DSS has already placed the child for adoption. The Dalsings argued that they were, in fact, participating in accordance with this law.

Their grounds were that DSS had yet to place the child up for adoption when the Dalsings filed their TPR petition. DSS argued that the word “placed” in the statute refers to when the child is first placed in DSS’s custody. However, the court stated that this term actually refers to the selection of the adoption family.

Thus, in accordance with the statute, DSS had not yet placed the child for adoption. The court reversed the decision and remanded it back to the family court.

Adopting your Foster Child

The SC Supreme Court’s decision in Boulware loosens the limitation set for foster parents seeking to adopt a child. Specifically, regarding the meaning of the word “placed” in the statute. Therefore, if you’re considering adoption of your foster child, it’s important to familiarize yourself with the laws as you pursue the action. The best way to do so, is to find a family attorney to aid you in understanding the laws, and taking the necessary steps. We wish you luck in this endeavor, and offer our support if you might need it. No child deserves to be left behind, especially by the actions of their parents. What you’re doing is a fantastic thing. While it may be difficult, nothing worth it is ever easy…

When Pup Parents Divorce: Who Takes Fido? 

More and more younger couples are holding off on having kids, even after they get married. Whether it due to age, aspirations, financial state— many couples are playing the waiting game a bit longer than they used to. There’s no harm or shame in it, and for most— it’s a well thought out decision. However, in holding off on kids, many couples will get a dog or two. Therefore, if they find themselves in a divorce situation, there’s one vital question: who takes the dog when his pup parents divorce? 

 

When Pup Parents Divorce: Who Takes Fido? 

Unfortunately, even though we see them as our babies, the court still considers them property. So, when it comes to a divorce, there’s no custody court for your pup. Instead, the two of you will have to find a means of splitting time, or one of you will have to split ways. 

The Animal Legal Defense Fund 

This group is working to try and alter that law just a bit. They know, just like any pet owner, that they are more than property. therefore, they aim for the courts to take into consideration who provides primary care of the animal. Who takepup parents divorces them to the vet, buys the food, socializes them, grooms them, and etc. Basically, which of the two of you bears the largest weight. If the ALDF could swing it, a dog would qualify as a separate entity— almost like a child, instead of, say, a painting or a motorcycle.

What can we do, as dog owners, to make sure we reach a solid agreement? 

I’m sure you, along with your spouse, have heard the quote: if you want something done right, do it yourself. So, when pup parents divorce, the two of you should consider crafting your agreement yourself. Maybe one of you is fully willing to part ways with the dog, or maybe neither of you are. So, you have to sit down together, as adults, and reach an agreement that suits you both. If need be, treat it like a custody agreement. Look up common paths for custody, and mirror it in a way that benefits your situation. Maybe parent 1 will take majority of time, but parent 2 gets a week out of ever month. Find something that works for you, by you. As of now, the court will be of no help when it comes to your pups.

How-To Ruin Custody Battles: What Actions Blow My Chances? 

Custody battles can undoubtedly get quite ugly. There are mixed feelings, different goals from each parent, and a lot of different emotions stoking the fire. As your spouse and you both put up a fight to achieve your goal, there might come attacks; attacks on character, actions, choices you’ve made… So, you have to choose what route you want to take moving forward. What do you want for your family? There are plenty of ways to ruin custody battles, and put yourself at risk of losing it all. So, what should I avoid?

How-To Ruin Custody Battles: What Actions Blow Your Chances?

Arriving late to pick ups/ visits

One likely way to show a court that you lack dedication to the cause, is being late for pickup and drop-off. Oftentimes, these arrangements are either between the two of you, or the two of you ,and the court. Either way, being late for something you agreed upon can show the judge that you don’t make this current custody arrangement a priority. Not to mention, it shows irresponsibility and a lack of commitment to your child.

So take scheduled visits as a chance to prove that you are reliable and responsible.

Denying suggestions or orders

If a judge orders you to take parenting classes, go to therapy, or seek counseling to better your role as a parent— do it. The court is giving you a chance at redemption; a chance to right your wrongs. You’ll want to take that chance, show graciousness, and stay the path. This can show that you are willing to do what’s necessary to see your children. Also, it ensures the court that you are seeking the help you need to become the best parent possible.

Using visits or swap times as a mediation tool

Maybe you feel that some aspect of the agreement is not up to par anymore. Or, maybe, you feel that there should be a renegotiation on child support. One way to ruin custody battles? Using the precious time you have with your child, to negotiate it. Or even, if you use those few moments of swap time to try and make a plea. Ultimately, it shows that the child is not at the forefront of your mind, and that they have ulterior motives versus doing well for the right reasons. If you want to renegotiate child support, set a time with your former spouse to discuss it. Or, reach out to your lawyer. Your time with your kids should be exactly that— nothing more, nothing less.

Drug or alcohol abuse

Lastly, and most obviously, is abusing drugs or alcohol. In the event that the court finds proof that you’re using drugs or alcohol, your visitations can go right out the window. In short, when you’re trying to win custody of any sort, you want to show stability, and good decision making abilities. Therefore, it’s best to avoid anything that may indicate that you have a problem. You have to think of any way you act in public, as a chance to ruin or help your custody agreement.

If you are serious about your custody case, you want to avoid any of these actions, as they often bring harm to custody battles. Being that your ex may be looking for any way to attack your character and take custody, you must keep your actions clean and respectable.

Deciding Factors for Child Custody 

If you’re preparing to go to custody court for the first time, you likely do not know what to expect. What will they consider? How are my chances? And how should I prepare for whatever outcome we may reach? When it comes to custody, there are plenty of deciding factors that a judge might consider. We’ve taken the time to outline a few noteworthy considerations that will be part of the decision. From age, financials of each parent, relationship, and preference… Ultimately, there are quite a few factors that might come to influence the judges decision.

Deciding Factors for Child Custody

Age

The younger the child; the more likely the child ends up with the mother. This is an unfortunate fact, as the mother is not always the ideal parent to become the primary caretaker. But when it comes down to it, those age old traditions of the mother as the caretaker is still quite present in the court. Many times, it takes a provably unfit mother for the father to be considered as the primary guardian.

Living conditions

One of the main considerations when it comes to primary custody, is which living condition will be the most fit for the child. Which home will disrupt their lives the least? What place is closest to their school? Which is closest to their activities? Ultimately, the living condition must be stable. The more stable, and continuous the home— the better the chance of receiving primary custody.

Child preference

If you child is 12 or older, they might potentially have a say in their preference. While the judge might not completely honor it, they will take their opinion into consideration. Many judges prefer to keep children out of the middle completely. But, if they do not— their preference can be a considering factor.

Stability

We’ve mentioned this before, but I cannot stress it enough. Stability is of a primary concern and likely one of the strongest deciding factors. The judge is taking into account the child’s lifestyle, their needs, and what will cause the least amount of disruption.

The best thing you can do to prepare

The best thing you can do to prepare, is understand what’s working in your favor— and what’s not. You don’t want to be surprised when it comes down to it. So, speak with your lawyer, decide what you’re working with, and plan accordingly. We wish you luck as you move forward with your custody proceedings— and offer our services if you need them.

Non-Custodial Parent Denied Visitation: Understanding Your Rights

In the event that you are a non-custodial parent being denied your visitation rights, it’s important to understand that your rights are being violated. Many parents will sit back and bite their tongue, being that rocking the boat would ultimately feel like hurting the child. However, you as a parent, have certain rights that, when denied, can have legal ramifications. But what are they? And what can you do to ensure that you receive the visitation with your child that you deserve.

Non-Custodial Parent Denied Visitation: Understanding Your Rights

Document your denial

Chances are, the first time your visitation falls through, you’ll be upset but won’t take action. You hope it doesn’t happen again, and sulk away until next time. But, it’s important that you document the denial. You can keep record of calls, messages, or even file a police report. Ultimately, it all depends on what route you decide to take. Doing so will make sure that each parent has received the written details of your denial, but it also tells the court that you’re serious about your visitation rights.

What can the court do?

Ultimately, denial of rights for a non-custodial parent is a contempt of court. So, denying those rights can have some pretty hefty penalties. For the parent who is doing the denying, you are in contempt of court and can face fine, or be put in jail. Other than that, the court can also decide to adjust the custody arrangement accordingly. So, if you deny those rights, you could be giving up your own in the process.

Ultimately, no matter what legal route you take— denying a parent the right to see their child is wrong

If you have a custody agreement set, and the other parent is not putting your child in any danger— there is no reason to deny a parent access to their own child. You are not only breaking the law, but you are doing harm to your child. A child needs both of their parents. Whether they realize or not the importance, you as an adult must be the bigger person. While, at the child’s age, they might not understand— it’s only a matter of time before your child comes to understand what it means to be a parent; to love your child unconditionally. Imagine yourself on the flip side of this scenario— that of being denied time with your child. Seems lonely, doesn’t it?

While legal ramifications should be a consideration, even more so should be the idea of losing custody of your child.

Contributing More Than Child Support: Why You Should 

Paying child support can sometimes leave a bad taste in the parents’ mouth. In turn, it is not uncommon that the parent paying will feel as if they do not have to contribute any further than that. But we’re here to tell you why you should be contributing more than child support. Child support is not an all-encompassing system, and there are plenty of other ways to get involved, as well as to contribute to the day-to-day operations, aside from finances. You might think you do enough, and that’s understandable. But, if you will, hear us out.

Contributing More Than Child Support: Why You Should
Child support covers the bare minimum

If you payed attention in court, you know what’s included in child support and what’s not. Basic needs consider four categories: shelter, health care, food, and clothing. That’s it. But, if you have a kid, you know there’s a lot more to it than that. They have field trips, prom, soccer, track… interests abound. While you do not have to be contributing financially to be a part of these experiences, helping that extra bit can be both helpful, and show your willingness to be more involved.

If Mom/Dad needs help purchasing something for the child, and you have the means, do it

Take for example a prom dress. A prom dress can cost anywhere from $100-$700 dollars, sometimes even more!! While we’d all like to hope that our children would head for the lower end, sometimes it doesn’t happen. And rather than tell them no on their senior prom, maybe that other parent reaches out for help. Saying “didn’t I just pay child support?” Or, “I’ve given you enough already,” instead of helping can cause a strain between you, the other parent, and possibly even the child.

Ultimately, a parent should not be defined by their financial status, but by how they contribute

No matter how we lay it out, there is always the potential that you just, plain can’t contribute any further financially. That is okay. The key is being there, creating experiences, giving your all for your child. While contributing more than child support can be strictly financial, it doesn’t have to be. Money is not the center of the universe, especially for your children. Do what you can, in any way. The key is being close to your child and being there for the experiences.

Considering divorce? Don’t stick it out for the kids

If you’re considering divorce, you’re likely worried about what that means for your kids. We, as parents, are constantly trying to figure out how to do the best by our children. We want to nurture them, and ultimately, turn them into upstanding members of society.

You might think that ‘sticking it out’, and staying married for the kids is the way to go to keep their environment stable. But, what you might not realize is that divorce can be healthy for your kids. This idea might seem counterintuitive, but we’re going to explain to you exactly why it’s not. 

Considering divorce? Don’t stick it out for the kids: Why divorce can be a good thing
You want your children to witness healthy relationships

If you and your spouse want to divorce each other; you are not portraying healthy relationships to your child. We all want better for our kids, and a large part of that is creating quality, healthy relationships. You have to be a model for that. While divorce might seem like a terrible thing to put your kid through, it’s even worse for them to witness you fighting all the time, avoiding each other, and putting each other down. There are worse things in life than divorce, which brings me to the second point.

They will learn how to cope with turmoil

Life throws a ton of different obstacles your way. If you can’t cope? You’ll lose it. Children of divorce often have more adept coping skills because they’ve had to do it before. A child of divorce has to be able to say how they feel, what they want, and be assertive. These are great skills for any adult to have, and many people don’t possess them. They’ll build better communication skills, especially if you and your ex can communicate in a healthy way. You’re teaching your child problem solving, effective communication, and how to be a better person in hard times.

Your children will be more relaxed

Kids are extremely intuitive. They can feel the tension in a room, and they can sense it between you two. Staying together when you’re considering divorce often creates a lot of stress for everyone involved. By going ahead with it and doing what you both want, and need, to do for your own sanity— can actually relax your children. No one wants to be president during someone else’s argument. Imagine seeing and hearing it all the time… sounds tough, right?

Your teaching your children to put yourself first sometimes

Being a parent is a selfless job. Everything you do is to create a better life for your little ones, but a divorce has to come for reasons that are selfish— but not in a bad way. Choosing to have a divorce is a decision you both have to make for yourselves, and for personal reasons.

Every person needs to have a fulfilling and healthful life. Sometimes, a divorce has to be part of that process. By going through with something that will ultimately create a better life for everyone, you are teaching your children that it’s okay to put yourself first from time to time.

Money Management for Newly Single Parents

Managing money when you’re a single parent is tough— especially if you don’t have any form of child or spousal support. In short, money management is tough in any situation, but especially when you’re the one handling it all. So, we’re going to give you a little bit of help. Following, you will find a guide for any single parent who is struggling to juggle it all. From starting a savings, to scheduling bills, to breaking it all down into categories. We’re here for you. So, let’s get started.

Money Management for Newly Single Parents: Getting Settled and Comfortable
Create a schedule

Make a list of every bill you have to pay month to month. From electricity, mortgage, rent, HOA fees, cable, internet— the whole nine. Write down every bill and amount you pay. Once you’ve done that, add the due dates to that list. You want to know what goes out and when. When you’ve got your list complete— add them into a calendar you look at once a day. Whether that be a computer calendar, a physical one, or on your phone. Wherever your calendar resides, add your due dates to them.

Once you’ve added your due dates— create alerts

Paying your bills on the day that they’re due is all well and good. But, cutting it close is always more stressful than doing it ahead of time. So, remind yourself a week/ a few days/ whenever you prefer. But, ahead of time. It isn’t a bad idea to set one day aside to pay all your bills. Whether it’s the first Saturday of every month, your first paycheck of the month— whenever you have the most money in your account that you will for the month, is likely the best time. You want to feel comfortable while paying bills, and that’s likely right after you get paid.

After you’ve paid your bills, throw a little in savings

Creating a budget is a great thing to do. It helps you plan for the now and the later. Your budget should always include your bills, groceries, a bit of free money, and also a savings amount. Creating a nest egg and an emergency fund are essential to lifting that stress off your shoulders in the event of an accident. Money management can be quite tough. But, writing it all down and creating a routine for maintaining what goes in and out can make it a much easier process. Good luck!