Blog

Blending Adoptive and Biological Children

If you are considering adopting or fostering a child, blending adoptive and biological children is a great way to expand your family. However, it’s important to remember that this is a big change for everybody. If you already have biological children and are considering welcoming a new sibling, make sure that you include them in the process. Use appropriate language and try to communicate on their level. Listen to them about any concerns they have, and talk openly about the importance of adoption. And finally, try to control your own bias. Expanding your family in any way is a big change, but one that you’ll probably be very grateful for.

Blending Adoptive and Biological Children: Smoothing Family Relations

Include Children in the Process

If you are blending adoptive and biological children, it can be very helpful to include your kids in the process beforehand. Let them know about your plans to adopt or foster a child. Give them ways to help with making the transition more smooth for everybody. Let them get creative and help decorate their new sibling’s room, or let them pick out a welcome gift.

Use Loving Language

It’s also important to speak to children appropriately if you are considering blending adoptive and biological children. Use loving and encouraging language to talk about fostering or adoption. Avoid phrases like “given up for adoption.” If your children are of different ethnicities or races, explain why diversity is something to celebrate. And remind them why it’s important for everybody to feel loved.

Communicate Openly

Be willing to listen and communicate openly when blending adoptive and biological children. Reassure your biological children that your affection for them will not change if they’re feeling nervous about having a new sibling. Answer questions honestly and try to smooth over any anxieties they have about welcoming a new family member.

Control Personal Bias

Finally, when blending adoptive and biological children, it’s important to periodically check in with your own bias. While everybody wants to think that they treat all their children equally, in high-pressure situations like a crisis or injury, sometimes personal biases can come out. It’s important to monitor this in yourself and seek professional help if you feel that you are struggling with favoritism.

If you are considering adopting or fostering a child after having biological children, it can be an amazing way to expand and complete your family. However, it’s important to remember that blending adoptive and biological children can be a big change for everybody. So it’s important to take the right steps to make sure that the process is as smooth as it can be. Talk to your children ahead of time and prepare them for the process. Let them be involved so that they get excited about welcoming a new sibling. Speak to them in appropriate language, and allow for open and honest communication. Finally, try to address any personal bias and be aware of the ways that you speak to and about your children. Hopefully, your family will welcome a new member with a smooth and easy transition.

Getting Past the Seven-Year Itch

The “Seven Year Itch” is the idea that couples who are together for a long time eventually reach a rut in their marriage; typically around the seven-year mark. Psychologists debate over whether or not the phenomenon is real, but it is very common for couples to divorce around the seven-to-eight-year mark. If you’re feeling a little stagnant in your relationship, it might be time for a reality check. Remember that everybody goes through ups and downs. Try to carve out some quality time together to get to the bottom of your feelings. Be spontaneous and try something new with your spouse to liven things up. And finally, work on improving your communication by being a good listener and perhaps giving marriage counseling a try. Hopefully, you and your spouse can make it through the seven-year slump and continue with a strong marriage.

Getting Past the Seven-Year Itch: Strengthening Your Marriage

Reality Check

The seven-year itch may or may not be real, but the fact of the matter is that all relationships have their ups and downs. It’s perfectly normal to have times when you’re feeling restless and others when you’re passionate about your spouse. Try to remember that normally the doldrums don’t last. Additionally, remember to avoid comparing your marriage to others you see on social media. You probably aren’t seeing the whole story.

Quality Time

If you’re feeling the seven-year itch, it might be time to get back to basics with your relationship. Schedule a little quality time together and spend it focusing just on one another. Get a babysitter, take a day off work, or set aside your phone to avoid distractions. Spend the day talking and feeling relaxed with your spouse. It might just be that the stress of life and family obligations is making you forget how special they are.

Try Something New

It’s also helpful to be spontaneous and try something new with your partner if you’re experiencing the seven-year itch. Play hooky for a day and go on a mini-day trip together. Or sign up for a salsa dancing class. Get outside of your comfort zone and outside of the repetitiveness of everyday life. Being vulnerable together by trying something you’re both new at can break up some of the log jams.

Improve Communication

Finally, one surefire way to improve any relationship is to improve your communication skills. And the same is true if you’re going through the seven-year itch. Practice listening to your partner without distractions and with all of your attention. Ask insightful questions and show interest in their passions. Seeking out a marriage counselor to help you improve communication is also a great idea.

Relationships all have their ups and downs, and finding yourself in a marriage slump is not uncommon. Luckily though, this so-called seven-year itch typically doesn’t last forever. Often, couples feel like they’re in a rut because the responsibilities of work and childcare are leaving them exhausted at the end of the day with no time left over for their spouse. So go back to the basics and remind yourself that it’s perfectly normal. Spend some quality time together trying something new and getting out of your comfort zone. And work on your communication skills so you can connect more easily. Finally, remember that this too shall pass. Be patient with yourselves and remember that every marriage takes work. You can get over any hurdle together if you’re willing to put in the effort.

Where Should I Live Post-Divorce?

Figuring out where to live post-divorce can be a very stressful part of the overall divorce process. Some couples choose to have one person remain in the family home while the other moves out. If this is the case for you and your ex, think about finances when deciding where to move. It’s also important to consider whether you want to rent or buy and make sure that you don’t get yourself into a situation where you are spending beyond your means. For others, it makes more sense to try alternative custody arrangements like nesting or double nesting. It’s important to figure out what makes the most sense for you and your family. Hopefully, you can find a new place soon where you can begin fresh in your new post-divorce life.

Where Should I Live Post-Divorce? Figuring Things Out After the Divorce is Over

Consider Finances

If you are considering where to live post-divorce, finances are an important factor to consider. It’s best to take a look at your overall financial health after the divorce is final. Figure out a feasible budget and speak with a realtor and lender about your options. It might make sense to purchase a property that can build you equity. For others, it might make more sense to rent.

Don’t Stretch the Budget

It’s important to avoid becoming “house poor” when you are considering properties post-divorce. House poor is a term that means that you can afford your house, but it’s taking up all of your income. You might not default on your mortgage, however, you don’t have room left in your budget to do anything else. For example, travel, save, or purchase anything fun. When considering a property’s price, make sure that it fits easily into the budget rather than being a stretch.

Consider Location

Another big consideration when considering properties post-divorce is location. Especially if you share custody of your children. You’ll want to be close to them for purposes of custody hand-offs with your ex. It’s also helpful to be close to their school or extra-curricular activities. This way, you can cut down on travel time when doing custody switches with your ex.

Alternative Custody Arrangements

While many couples choose to have one parent stay in the family home and the other move out to a new property, others choose alternative custody arrangements. One of these is called nesting. If you choose to do nesting, you and your ex would switch off living in the home with the kids and living in a separate apartment. Another arrangement is called double nesting. This means that both ex’s live in the same home with the children, but each has their own space. Both of these arrangements require you to have a cooperative relationship with your ex.

Figuring out where to live post-divorce can be complicated, and a lot depends on your specific situation. If you and your ex get along very well, you might consider some custody arrangements where you share spaces like nesting or double nesting. If you’d rather have some separation you can go the more traditional route of finding a new house or apartment to rent. It’s important to consider your budget and make sure that you aren’t stretching yourself too thin financially with the cost of the home or rental price. Additionally, make sure that you are keeping in mind the location and proximity to your children if you share custody. Hopefully, you can find the perfect set-up for your family so that you can move on to the next stage of life.

When Emotional Abuse Becomes Physical

If you are in a relationship where emotional abuse becomes physical, it’s important to get the support you need to get out safely. Domestic violence can take many forms, but all abuse stems from a place of wanting to have power and control over a victim. While not all emotional abusers will become physical abusers, mistreatment of a partner does tend to escalate. It’s important to be able to recognize the signs of emotional abuse and to notice when things begin escalating into physical abuse. If you are in a relationship that involves domestic violence of any form, you need to leave safely. Make sure that you take steps to protect yourself and any children in the house, make a plan, and get the support you need to leave. After you are safely away, you can decide if you would like to take legal action against your abuser.

When Emotional Abuse Becomes Physical: Escalation

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can be difficult to spot in a relationship because the signs can be subtle. Oftentimes, people engaging in emotional abuse try to belittle their partners or make them question their reality. They might use threats, insults, yelling, or gaslighting as a tactic. Victims often begin to question their reality as well as their self-worth. This can make it harder for them to get out of the relationship.

Physical Abuse

Emotional abuse becomes physical as soon as a partner lays a hand on you. Physical abuse might include hitting, kicking, choking, or restraining. However, it can also be more subtle as well. Sleep deprivation, forcing you to consume alcohol or drugs, or preventing you from being able to seek medical help are also forms of physical abuse.

Noticing Escalation

It’s important to be able to notice when emotional abuse becomes physical and to know the signs of abuse to watch out for in the first place. Often, abusers will be overly controlling of their partners from the start of the relationship. They might show extreme jealousy, or be quick to anger. Finally, they might begin trying to isolate their victim from friends and family. Noticing any of these signs might mean that it’s time to take a closer look at your relationship and decide whether or not it’s crossing the line of abuse.

Getting Out Safely

If you find yourself in a relationship where emotional abuse becomes physical, or even in a relationship that has red flags of abuse, it’s time to leave. If you have children, it’s important to leave the abusive relationship before they are hurt. Make a plan to leave when your partner is away from the house. Contact a friend or family member that you trust to help you make a plan to get away safely. There are also local support systems in place that can help you if you are a victim of domestic violence of any form.

Domestic violence is a serious crime. And unfortunately, there is often an escalation where emotional abuse becomes physical. Abusers do not stop hurting their victims on their own. Instead, they often escalate to more and more violent forms of abuse. If you are experiencing emotional abuse, it could escalate into physical abuse against you or the children in your home. Therefore, if you notice any signs early on in your relationship, like a controlling partner or a partner that tries to isolate you from friends, leave. Domestic violence can be extremely dangerous and emotionally damaging for victims. And it can also be deadly. Getting the support you need to safely leave is the only way to protect yourself. Only then can you begin the process of healing and consider bringing legal action.

Open Marriage: Benefits and Risks

The topic of open marriage might make some people shrink in discomfort. However, the practice is not that uncommon. An open marriage can mean lots of different things, but often involves partners allowing their spouses to engage in intimacy outside the marriage. While it might seem unconventional, this type of relationship can be beneficial to some couples and strengthen their marriage. However, for others, it could be risky. The bottom line is that if you and your spouse are considering engaging in an open marriage, you have to have honest conversations and decide together if this is the right arrangement.

Open Marriage: Benefits and Risks and Deciding If It’s Right for You

What is It?

The ground rules for an open marriage can vary from couple to couple. However, typically it’s a consensual, non-monogamous relationship. This means that partners either practice swinging or polyamory. Swinging usually means that spouses can have sexual relationships with partners outside the relationship, but the spouse is still their primary paramour. A polyamorous relationship would entail longer-term relationships outside of the marriage.

Possible Benefits

Some couples choose to have an open marriage because they simply don’t believe in monogamy for their entire lives. Others choose it because one partner’s sex drive is substantially higher than the other. And some choose this arrangement because their spouse is uncomfortable with some of their sexual needs. Swinging allows a couple to have sexual freedom to explore with other partners without lying.

Possible Risks

While an open marriage might be a helpful arrangement for some, it’s not always a good idea. The biggest risk is if both partners are not fully comfortable with the situation. This is an arrangement that you both must fully believe in and be okay with. Of course, there is also the chance that jealousy can become an issue. And if you are having sex with multiple partners, there is a risk for sexually transmitted diseases as well.

The Bottom Line

The bottom line is that an open marriage is a private decision that you and your partner must make together. The only way that this type of arrangement can work is if you are both entirely honest with each other. If one partner is hesitant about the idea, it’s probably not a great choice for your relationship. However, if you are both on board and fully comfortable with the idea, it might bring you even closer as a couple.

Engaging in an open marriage might seem very unfamiliar, but it is not that uncommon. Many couples find that this type of marriage allows them to explore sexually without having to lie and sneak around behind their spouse’s back. This, in turn, can strengthen their marriage bond and make their relationship stronger than ever. However, there are some risks to entering into this type of arrangement. It can be uncomfortable for your friends or children if they find out about it, and there is the potential for issues related to jealousy. If you and your spouse are talking about trying an open marriage, make sure that you lay out specific ground rules and that you both are communicating every step of the way.

How-to: Cope with Divorce Emotion & Gain Support

Divorce can being up all kinds of emotions and negative feelings. You may feel like your world is spiring out of control. Not only is a relationship ending, there are many other legal hoops to jump through. Between deciding where to live, who gets custody over the kids, and how to divide assets, there is a lot to work through. While it may seem overwhelming now, know there are ways to cope with divorce.

How-to Cope with Divorce: Steps to Take

Emotions

Divorce can bring up many painful emotions. For example, you may feel emotions such as grief, anger, depression, fear and frustration. The sadness and grief may set in at the realization of the loss or end of a relationship. The fear could be from the thought that you may be alone for a while. Anger could come from the hurt that you have experienced during the marriage and divorce process. Depression could come from the overwhelming fear that you will not be able to cope with all of these emotions.

In order to cope with divorce and these emotions, you must first let yourself go through this grief process. You will not be able to cure these feelings, but you can learn healthy ways to handle them. Once you have let yourself grieve, you will be able to start the process to move on with your new life.

Reach Out For Support

Do not be afraid to reach out to others for support. Many other people have been down the same road as you, and can be a good companion on this journey. Even if they have not experienced the same things that you have, friends and family who care about you will be there to support you too. If your circle got torn apart by the divorce, make an effort to meet new people. Join a club, start a new hobby, volunteer, or get involved in a place of worship or in the community.

If you need to talk to someone outside of your circle, reach out to a professional who can help. A councilor or support group can be a great place to open up without feeling judged by those you know. Talking through your feelings and emotions, and having someone there to listen is all a part of learning to cope with divorce.

Self-Care

Do not forget to take care of yourself through this process. Everything can feel so overwhelming that you forget to focus on yourself too. Make sure to exercise, which will help your physical and mental wellbeing. Pay attention to what your body is telling you it needs. That may be sleep, or that may be learning to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty about it.

Take time each day to nurture yourself. That may look different for each person, but could include doing yoga, going for a walk, reading a book, or spending time with friends. By making sure that you are mentally and physically rested and fit, you will be more able to take on having to cope with divorce.

How-to Navigate Religious Guilt During Divorce

Many religions do not condone divorce. They have built a negative stigma around it. This is actually a reason that some people stay in unhealthy marriages far longer than they should, or for their whole life. They may be worried about the stigma and associated shame and guilt that comes with divorce due to their religious beliefs. If you are in an unhealthy marriage that is beyond repair, do not let religious shaming keep you from getting a divorce. Learn more about how to navigate religious guilt during divorce.

How-to Navigate Religious Guilt During Divorce: Freeing Yourself From Shame

Stigma

Over the course of history, religious groups have looked down on divorce. There can be a lot of religious guilt during divorce, and a stigma that follows you after divorce. Some religious groups do not permit their members to get divorced, while others shun divorcees. Oftentimes, churches name divorce as a sin that should not be committed. ‘Marriage is a lifelong commitment’ is a common thing to hear. It is not uncommon to hear that God hates divorce. All of this leads to people staying in marriages that they should not stay in. It also makes people feel like they are a failure if they do get divorced. However, many times divorce can stem from circumstances that you are not in control of.

Forgive Yourself

If you are concerned about religious guilt during divorce, take time to work through forgiving yourself first. You can spend time praying and talk to God about your situation. Express your grief, sadness, and frustration. Religion always preaches forgiveness, so know that God will forgive you and that you should also forgive yourself. It may take you a while to get to the point where you can forgive yourself. In addition, you can talk to a councilor or someone objective to work through your struggles. Know that this one thing does not define who you are as a person. You are not a bad person for wanting a divorce.

Support Group

Divorce can be a difficult and emotional process to go through. It really helps to have people you can trust and lean on for support. If your church or religion will not stand behind you through your divorce, find a support group who will. There will always be people who can understand, relate and emphasize with your divorce. You will need people to lean on during the really emotional and challenging times. Also, just because your church frowns upon divorce, there are bound to be some people within the church that will be there to support you. They will be able to see your struggle from both sides, just as you do. Another option would be to look for another, more inclusive church. There are many churches that will accept you for you, and does not define you by your marital history.

How-to: Have a Healthy Divorce

Want to learn more about how to have a healthy divorce? Check out this video to learn more!

When people think of divorce, they mainly think of negative things. Yelling, fighting, and crying, are some emotions that may come to mind. But do all divorces have to end this way? The answer is ‘No’. Believe it or not, not all divorces have to be bitter messes. Learn more about how to have a healthy divorce.

How-to Have a Healthy Divorce: Changing Your Mindset

Remove the Negative Emotions

You meet someone, you fall in love, and then you live happily every after, right? Reality check. Relationships are not always like they are in the movies. You will have ups and downs, and sometimes they come to an end. Instead of choosing to be angry about that, do your best to look at the situation for what it is. Be glad you met that person and you were able to have a shot at doing life together. However, something happened, and you no longer feel that spark and love anymore. The first step in having a healthy divorce is to reframe your mindset. Recognize what has transpired and choose to be rational. Sure, going through a separation is an emotional roller coaster, but do your best to put the emotions aside. It may be a good idea to find a neutral party who can help you make sensible decisions.

Sometimes you may be getting a divorce because your spouse did something terrible like cheat on you. You can either be angry and bitter forever, or you can look at the situation from a fresh perspective. This person you loved is no longer a person who has done right by you. They have hurt and betrayed you. In reality, it may be a good thing that you are splitting up from them. While this person may have been good for you at one period, they may not be good for you anymore. Because of that, it may be a positive thing for you to move on.

Children and Assets

Of course, if you have children with your ex, this is not as simple. Unlike couples without kids, you can’t just split up your physical assets and then be done. You have to work through many things when you have children, like custody and visitation schedules. Children add another element to a divorce. However, do your best to keep any conflict away from the kids. In fact, ongoing parental conflict can increase a child’s risk of psychological and social problems. Oftentimes, it is helpful for divorced parents to come up with a plan and present it to their kids together. Working together to keep your kids calm and as happy as possible can help lead to a healthy divorce. Make sure to communicate honestly with your kids about the changes going on, as kids benefit from open communication.

My Child Doesn’t Want Visitation with the Other Parent

If your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent, it can cause a lot of stress and pain for you and your ex. If the child is young, you can often encourage them to go and change their minds. However, an older teen is a much harder sell. Try to get to the bottom of why they don’t want to go see their other parent. Be encouraging and positive about your ex, even if it’s painful to do so. Follow the rules and don’t withhold visitation without reason or you’ll wind up in legal trouble. And finally, if there are safety concerns, know when to take action. Hopefully, your child is just going through a phase and will get used to their new custody arrangement quickly.

My Child Doesn’t Want Visitation with the Other Parent: What Can I Do?

Try to Find the Reason Why

If your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent, there could be many reasons. For younger children, it might just be fear of a new environment if your ex moved into a new home. Or if there is a new step-parent or siblings that they will be around, it can be overwhelming. Some children simply get along better with one parent over the other. Or resent being further from their friends or extra-curricular activities.

Encourage Them

If you suspect that your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent because of some of the above reasons, try to be encouraging to them. Explain how much their other parent loves spending time with them, and try to ease their concerns. Always speak positively about your ex, even if it’s difficult to do so. Trash-talking is never a good idea and can lead to anxiety and confusion in children.

Follow the Rules

Don’t take it upon yourself to change your custody arrangement if your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent. If you have a custody agreement, you’ll need to follow the agreed-upon terms. Otherwise, you could wind up in legal trouble. Even if your ex is late on child support, you still have to allow them their visitation rights as scheduled. Speak with your attorney about how to take steps to collect any child support, but don’t retaliate by withholding custody.

When to Take Action

Finally, if you have reason to believe that your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent because of real safety concerns, know when to get involved. If you suspect abuse or neglect, you need to take steps to protect your child. Speak to your attorney about taking out a restraining order on behalf of your child, and discuss what steps you can take to change your custody agreement.

If your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent, it’s usually because they are feeling anxious about change. They might feel more comfortable at your house, or it might be that their other parent has stricter rules. Try to encourage them to maintain a relationship with their other parent, and speak positively about your ex in front of them. In addition, try to make transitions as stress-free for children as possible. Follow the rules of your custody agreement, and don’t take it upon yourself to withhold visitation. Even if your ex is late on child support. However, if you suspect that visitation is putting your child in danger, speak to your attorney about how to protect them. You might need to take legal action against your ex, but keeping your child safe is the most important thing. Hopefully, there is no cause for concern, and you’ll be able to encourage your child to enjoy visitation with their other parent.

Finding Time for Self-care with Sole Custody

Finding time for self-care with sole custody can feel like an uphill battle, especially with younger children that rely on you for everything. With work, school, after-school obligations, and up-keeping a household, it can feel nearly impossible to find time for yourself. But your mental health is important, and you cannot be the parent you want to be if your tank is empty. So it’s important to try to squeeze in some ”me-time” even if time is short. Remember that it’s okay to say no to some things. You might also consider a swap with another parent for an afternoon or evening. Don’t be afraid to ask for support. And finally, when you find a slot in your schedule for self-care, hold it sacred and put it on your calendar. Hopefully, you can find some time to take care of your mental health.

Finding Time for Self-care with Sole Custody: Maintaining Your Mental Health

It’s Okay to Say No

Finding time for self-care with sole custody is easier if you remember that you can say no to some things. You don’t have to accept every invitation. Sports and activities are fun for young children, but they aren’t necessary. So don’t feel pressured to fill up every evening with activities. It’s also okay to not contribute to bake sales, PTA activities, being a room parent, or other obligations.

Consider a Swap

Another way to find time for self-care with sole custody is to consider swapping childcare with another parent. Perhaps you’re itching for a weekend away but you just don’t have a support system around. See if you can offer to take their children for a day or two in exchange for a getaway for yourself. You can also look into carpools, nanny shares, and other ways of combining with other parents to make childcare more affordable.

Ask for Support

Asking for support is another way to find time for self-care with sole custody. It’s okay to rely on the people around you and ask for their help from time to time. Don’t be afraid to reach out and request a little time for yourself. If you have the financial means, hire a babysitter a few times a month so that you can get an afternoon or evening away and do something for yourself that isn’t child-related or work-related.

Put It On Your Calendar

Finally, if you can find time for self-care with sole custody, hold that time sacred. If there’s a gap in your schedule, write in ”me time.” And take it! Don’t offer up that time slot if other things come up later. Hold that time sacred and give yourself the gift of honoring that promise to your mental health.

Finding time for self-care with sole custody is important for maintaining your overall happiness. You love your children, but sometimes you need some time away to be around other adults. It’s okay to need some space from time to time. If you have an extremely busy schedule, don’t be afraid to say no to requests for you to add more things to your plate. Ask a friend with similar-aged children if they’d like to swap some childcare now and then. Ask for help from friends or family, or hire a babysitter. And finally, put the time on your schedule. Even though your life is busy, try to find that space in your schedule so that you can maintain your mental health to be the best parent you can be.