fbpx

Blog

Contemplating Divorce vs Toxic Marriage For Your Kids

Contemplating divorce is hard work— especially if you have children. You automatically feel like you might be letting them down, or breaking a promise to them in some sense. You had an image in mind when you thought of having kids; one big, happy family with two parents always in the picture. But, with time, the marriage became something different, and unhealthy. Many couples try to ‘stick it out for the kids’. But, there are instances where a divorce is healthier than a marriage… for you, and for your kids.

Contemplating Divorce: How Divorce can be Healthier than Marriage for your Kids

you might think that a divorce will automatically shatter your children’s hearts. And in some instances, it might be upsetting. However, ‘upsetting’ is much more productive than the potential harm of you staying in a marriage that is destructive to you, and also your children’s idea of love and a quality life.

Being a parent is about protecting your children, but that shouldn’t come at the cost of your own well-being

There are a few instances where divorce is the only option when it comes to protecting yourself and your children. I’m referencing abuse, addiction, putting the family at risk of danger… you can assume the situations. However, being in a relationship that is wrought with constant arguments, a lack of intimacy, disinterest in each other, or being hurtful to each other— is arguably just as damaging. You might think that you and your spouse do a good job of keeping these issues to yourselves. However, your kids are just as present in the home as you are. They can understand the dynamics, the hard feelings, and how Mom/Dad is hurting Dad/Mom.

You want your children to have a strong understanding of happy, healthful relationships

Think about what you want for your children in the future: happiness, security, health, and strong relationships, among other things. Now that you’ve reflected on this, consider where they model these ideals after. The answer, is you. Your children gain much of their understanding of relationships from their parents. Therefore, you want to create something worth modeling after. If you don’t have this with your spouse, and your contemplating divorce, it should be worth adding to the list of reasons why a divorce might be worthwhile. You want to be able to be a good parent to your children. That’s all any parent wants. This starts with being present, happy, and being a strong role model.

A divorce is never easy, but don’t use your children as a reason why not to go through with it

Ultimately, your children will be fine. Life is full of hardships, and while a divorce is tough for your kids— putting them through a tumultuous relationship is arguably even harder. So, if you’re contemplating divorce, consider how the current relationship is affecting your children. Do you fight a lot? Do you spend a lot of time apart? Are you good models of what a spouse should be? These are all great questions to ask yourself if the thought has crossed your mind. We wish you luck in contemplating, and potentially going through with, your divorce.

Gaining More Quality Time as a Non-Custodial Parent 

Being a non-custodial parent is tough, and you often feel shorted on quality time spent with your kids. You’ve probably spent quite a bit of time racking your brain for solutions to your lack of time problem. You miss them, they’re growing up, and you want to be a part of it all. Well, the good news is that you can! just because you aren’t the primary custody holder doesn’t mean that you have to be absent from day to day life, you just have to get a little bit crafty…

Gaining More Quality Time as a Non-Custodial Parent

Coach your kids sports team!

One of the best ways to get more involved, is by coaching your kids sports teams! You get extra time spent every week, you get to help them grow as a person and athlete, and teach them lessons your mother/father taught to you. being a coach is an awesome way to increase your quality time, because it adds to value to their character and will help you both feel closer to each other. Not to mention, if you ever struggle with finding something to talk about— you just gained a whole new topic.

Be a chaperone

if they have field trips, be a chaperone if you can! You get to have a special day with your kid, get out and do something without having to plan, and help out the school at the same time. It shows your kid, and theater parent, a want to be involved as well— which might help your case for more custody time as well. You have to check with the custodial parent, of course, but if they’re on board— go for it!

Go have lunch with them at school

Surprise your kid and go have lunch with them while they’re at school. Obviously, you notify both the other parent, and the teacher before making an appearance. But, this is one way to get a little bit of extra quality time out of your day. Make them a fun meal, bring takeout, or even eat cafeteria food with them… No matter how you go about it, this is a fun way to make the most of a little bit of time spent with your kid.

Offer to be the ‘babysitter’

Let your co-parent know that when it comes to hiring a babysitter… don’t! You can easily take the reigns for an evening, and plus— you’re free. Being the ‘babysitter’ is a great way to help out the other parent, and also get some extra time during the week with your little one.

Ultimately, you have to find your own ways to be there

Every parenting situation and child is different. So, take these suggestions, but also customize them to fit your kid and situation. Quality time can be spent in plenty of ways, so don’t limit yourself! Get creative, have fun with it, but ultimately, just be there for your kid. We wish you luck in getting more quality time with your little babes. They’re sure to appreciate it!

Same-Sex Marriage: Tips for New Parents 

Being in a same-sex marriage comes with it’s own set of challenges. One of which is having children. For some, it can take years to figure out a plan. Surrogate, insemination, adoption… there are tons of options, but all take time. So, when you finally do have a child— it can be easy to overcompensate. Parenting is difficult all around, and heterosexual couples are just as susceptible to this as their counterparts. But, when you face as many obstacles as a same-sex couple might— parenting has a whole other element to it.

Same-Sex Marriage: Tips for New Parents

One of the biggest things we want to focus on here is overcompensating. It’s easy to do in any parenting situation. But, as a same-sex couple, you’ve faced a lot of unique obstacles together, especially when it comes to conceiving a child. So when they finally come, it can be easy to try and ‘give them the world’. Your child is a miracle, no doubt. But love and affection is enough for your child. Every child has to learn how to cope with ‘no’ and consequences. Just because your child is a blessing, doesn’t mean they should have anything and everything at their fingertips.

Allow your child to make their own decision on how much they divulge at school

You’re proud of who you are, and you should teach your child to be proud of who they are too. However, allow them to explore how and what they share at school on their own. Your family is perfect, and unique— but give them time to find this and share it on their own. Times are changing in a positive way, thank goodness, but kids are still mean sometimes— let’s face it. Therefore, it’s important to allow your child to share at a comfortable pace for themselves. You’ve created good people, and you must hope that others have done the same. So, have faith in your child to be proud of their family and of you— in their time.

Surround yourself and your family with a diverse friend group

One of the problems that many children of same-sex marriage might have is thinking that they’re different from other families when, in all reality, they are just the same! Every family is diverse or blended in some form or fashion, so surround your children with that! Having a friend group that is diverse will show them what a family really is. It’s a mix of family, friends, and all kinds of people.

Be yourselves; be affectionate, be proud, and embrace everyone

You’re a ‘normal’ family because you’re a family. Don’t feel as if you have to be different, or feel pressure to be better because your child has two moms or two dads. Many same-sex parents feel like they have to be or do more because their child’s parental situation is non-traditional. But, as we’ve said, times are changing and you don’t have to be anything more than a good parent to your children.

So, be you!! Be a good parent, a friend, an active member of the community, and a loving spouse. Don’t get caught up on the fact that you’re ‘different’ because you’re not, you just have your own, unique, beautiful family. Enjoy this journey; watching your child grow is such a rewarding experience and we wish you the best of luck in crafting your experience!

‘Pit the Parents’ Game: How Children of Divorce Play Both Sides 

Divorce can be tough on your kids. Everything is changing, and the adjustment can be trying for children. Therefore, they might begin to test their boundaries. One way they might do this is by attempting to play that pit the parents game. There’s no exact name for what they’re doing, but it’s typically pretty characteristic of any kid. Most kids ‘play their parents’, so to speak. But, children of divorce typically get away with it a bit better….

‘Pit the Parents’ Game: How Children of Divorce Play Both Sides
What is this ‘pit the parents game’?

By ‘pit the parents’ we mean playing both sides, ultimately. As we’ve mentioned, all children do it to some extent. They ask Mom for something, she says no— so we go to Dad. It’s not typically effective and typically ends with said child in time out or grounded. But, it works a little bit different for children of a divorce— especially a new one. Communication is low for the two of you parents, and often, you’re a bit quicker to give your child what they want. Especially if Dad won’t and you’re feeling a little upset with Dad. But, your child could be playing that ‘pit the parents’ game on you both.

What are some things to look out for?

The infamous “Well, Mom/Dad let’s me do…”

If you’ve told you kid no and they pull this card, it should be a red light that your kid is playing you. Many parents, especially early divorce parents, will fall for this one. For many parents, when you’re going through a divorce, you can feel as if you’re competing for the child’s affection, their interest, and to be the most lovable parent. We’re here to tell you to get over that— divorce doesn’t make you a bad parent.

“I like it better at Mom/Dad’s house” 

Your kid could use this in any number of ways. But, it’s important to understand that they’re testing their limits right now. They’re seeing how much you’ll give, and it can set you up for some pretty bad behavior in the future. Your child is just acting out. With time, and not giving in, the behavior will easily fade.

“But, Mom/Dad told me I could…” 

If your kid wants to do something, get something, or be part of something, and you say no— this is an easy one to fall back on. While the kid is doing this because they want what they want, it can make a parent feel pretty out of the loop. This is why communication with your ex, even though it can be tough— is so essential when you have children.

These little instances of our so-called pit the parents game are just scratching the surface. So, keep your eyes peeled, don’t let it get you down, and be the awesome parent that you already are!

How Grandparents Help Children Cope with Divorce

If you are going through a divorce, you’re likely wondering what you can do to help your children cope. They’re stuck somewhere in the middle, and likely have a lot of questions about where we go from here. You might not have all the answers, and that’s okay. But, I’m here to tell you that among many other instances— grandparents are a great help here. We often see our parents, and grandparents, through rose-colored glasses. Because of this, they can be a great help for our children when we’re facing a divorce.

How Grandparents Help Children Cope with Divorce

First things first, we often think of our grandparents as being pretty wise. They’ve been around for a while, raised children, grandchildren, and been the backbone of the family. So, if you’re having trouble helping your kids, send them to the people who know your family— and family in general, best. They can often make sense of the situations we can’t yet.

They’re an outside source

They’re close to you, and to the situation, but they have an outside perspective on something that is highly personal. So, their objectivity can be quite useful for the children. They have someone to confide in, and to help guide them through what they’re feeling because they’re their grandparents…

It gives your children assurance

Your kids are likely starting to question everything. Did you two ever love each other? Are you going to stop loving me? Is a happy marriage possible? Does everyone eventually divorce?… the questions have great range. Not to mention, they can be quite difficult to answer as parents because as of right now… you don’t know the answer to most of them. You’re in the thick of it, you’re hurting, and you need a bit of time to process. Having a set of grandparents that can show your kids a unified front, assure them that love isn’t gone forever, and that life moves on— is pretty beneficial to helping your children cope and understand that marriage is different for everyone.

They’re a great escape for you, and your kids

We send the kids to grandma and grandpa’s house for plenty of reasons. Whether they want to go or you just need a night to yourselves— their house has always been an escape. So, this is a great time to use that. It allows you and your to-be ex some time to sort through the tough stuff on your own, and to allow your children to get their mind off of everything.

While grandparents can be there to help your children cope with what’s happening, they can also be there to help your kids forget for a little while… We wish you luck in conquering the tough stuff, and becoming a better person and parent for it.

Deciding Factors for Child Custody 

If you’re preparing to go to custody court for the first time, you likely do not know what to expect. What will they consider? How are my chances? And how should I prepare for whatever outcome we may reach? When it comes to custody, there are plenty of deciding factors that a judge might consider. We’ve taken the time to outline a few noteworthy considerations that will be part of the decision. From age, financials of each parent, relationship, and preference… Ultimately, there are quite a few factors that might come to influence the judges decision.

Deciding Factors for Child Custody

Age

The younger the child; the more likely the child ends up with the mother. This is an unfortunate fact, as the mother is not always the ideal parent to become the primary caretaker. But when it comes down to it, those age old traditions of the mother as the caretaker is still quite present in the court. Many times, it takes a provably unfit mother for the father to be considered as the primary guardian.

Living conditions

One of the main considerations when it comes to primary custody, is which living condition will be the most fit for the child. Which home will disrupt their lives the least? What place is closest to their school? Which is closest to their activities? Ultimately, the living condition must be stable. The more stable, and continuous the home— the better the chance of receiving primary custody.

Child preference

If you child is 12 or older, they might potentially have a say in their preference. While the judge might not completely honor it, they will take their opinion into consideration. Many judges prefer to keep children out of the middle completely. But, if they do not— their preference can be a considering factor.

Stability

We’ve mentioned this before, but I cannot stress it enough. Stability is of a primary concern and likely one of the strongest deciding factors. The judge is taking into account the child’s lifestyle, their needs, and what will cause the least amount of disruption.

The best thing you can do to prepare

The best thing you can do to prepare, is understand what’s working in your favor— and what’s not. You don’t want to be surprised when it comes down to it. So, speak with your lawyer, decide what you’re working with, and plan accordingly. We wish you luck as you move forward with your custody proceedings— and offer our services if you need them.

Babysitting Etiquette: Being a Good Client 

Being a single parent is tough work. You’re handling a lot of day-to-day operations completely alone, and sometimes parents need a break. So, that means you need to call in a babysitter. You might not do so often, or maybe the other parent is usually your babysitter. But, in the event that you’re taking a night out— it’s important to make sure you’re maintaining some proper babysitting etiquette.

You’re bringing someone into your home and trusting them with your children. While you want them to respect your home, it’s also important that you respect them. So, we’re giving you a guide to being a good client when it comes to babysitting. Because ;et’s face it— you’re going to want them to come over again.

Babysitting Etiquette: Being a Good Client

The less last minute— the better

Don’t expect your babysitter to be free in thirty minutes for a last minute escape. Planning ahead, and scheduling their time ahead is not only respectful but it’s also more likely to be successful. If you’re using a reputable neighborhood babysitter, chances are, her Friday night is booked by Monday. Make your plans early, that way you aren’t spending your one night off all dressed up with nowhere to go.

Pay them a reasonable amount

In short, don’t try to cheap out on a babysitter. Sure, a 16 year old doesn’t necessarily need to be making $13 an hour, but $10 is quite reasonable. If you’re hiring someone who is reputable, has a lot of baby-sitting experience, and they’re coming to you last minute— pay them accordingly. Remember that you are a potential future client, just like any other business. You don’t pay well? They’ll likely go with another family. You don’t pay well even when they come last minute? Good luck getting them to return at all.

Show up when you say you will

Don’t tell your babysitter that you’ll be home at nine, only to show up at 10:30 or later. Their time is valuable as well, and you might not be their only obligation this evening. So, make sure you treat their time as you’d like your time to be treated.

Feed your sitter, too!

Babysitters are usually required from around dinner time, to beyond. So, feed them! Offer up snacks in the fridge, pantry, or if you feel uncomfortable with that— ask what snacks she prefers, or leave money for pizza. You might not want the babysitter making herself at home with your groceries. But, don’t leave them high and dry— give them some options.

Ask for additional services if you want them, don’t expect it

The number one piece of babysitting etiquette is this: don’t expect the babysitter to wash your dishes, fold the laundry, and wipe down the counters without being asked. Many families don’t expect this, however if you ask them to do so and the oblige— good for you! But, it might not hurt to pay them a little extra for doing so. They are a babysitter and not a cleaning service, after all.

Alimony Options: Understanding Different Agreements 

If you are divorcing, and trying to determine what route your alimony payments will take— understand that there are options. While the court has the final say, you and your to-be former spouse can work through the options on your own as well. Alimony options for payment typically will vary depending on a few factors.

From income level, way of life before divorce, to who played homemaker and who played ‘breadwinner’. All of these things go into the consideration. But, before you go into this process— you should understand it. So, following, you will receive a quick run through of the 5 types of alimony and when they’re typically awarded. That way, you can begin to prepare for what may come.

Alimony Options: Understanding Different Alimony Agreements

What makes calculation methods differ?

First things first, this is extremely important to understand. There is often a bad taste left in the paying spouse’s mouth, but merely because they don’t understand. You worked for this money, sure, but so did your spouse by deciding to sacrifice their career in exchange for yours.

A few factors that can affect length of time, and amount:
  • Length of marriage
  • Length of separation
  • Income of both parties
  • Future income potential
Type 1: Permanent Alimony

Permanent alimony means that the alimony payments decided upon will be paid out indefinitely. If you’re receiving permanent alimony payments, you will continue to receive them for your entire lifetime. There is the possibility of renegotiation in the case that, say, you remarry. But, barring this circumstance or a few similar ones— it is as it seems… permanent.

Type 2: Temporary Alimony

Temporary alimony is an alimony option that one spouse receives during separation and before divorce. It can be used to cover daily expenses, court costs, divorce costs, and the like. This type of alimony is obviously temporary, but is typically the first step before you move to permanent alimony

Type 3: Reimbursement Alimony

Reimbursement alimony is typically goes to a spouse that, while in the relationship, was paying a personal cost for the other. Those personal costs could be to help pay educational costs, or even the cost of starting a business. This typically occurs when the assisting spouse never had the chance to reap any benefit of the receiving spouse’s business, education, etc.

Type 4: Rehabilitative Alimony

Rehabilitative is one of the alimony options that is use quite frequently. Rehabilitative alimony is basically there to provide financial support for the spouse that is not yet, but will be financially independent. This type of alimony is only for a specific amount of time, versus permanent alimony.

Type 5: Lump-Sum Alimony

Lump-sum alimony is typically an option that both spouses will agree upon. Instead of monthly installments the paying spouse will make a one time, lump-sum payment. Typically, this will occur if the receiving spouse wants to part ways with property of high-value items. You can find a more in-depth of this type of alimony here.

Ultimately, there is no one-size-fits-all for alimony

There are quite a few when it comes to alimony options. But, that’s because there are quite a few different situations when it comes to finances of divorce. You’ve spent years of your life supporting one another, and that doesn’t stop when your relationship does. We wish you luck in figuring out the route that works best for you from here— and we happily offer our services if you need them.

Divorced Father and Teenage Daughter: Making the Best of Trying Years

If you’re a divorced father with teenage daughters, you likely feel a little lost in translation sometimes. Especially if your daughter lives with their mother, you might feel like you’re missing out on some of the most formative years. Your child is figuring themselves out, starting to become an adult; their own person. So, how do you connect? It can be pretty trying at times, but doing so is a necessity. The bond of a father and daughter often faces disruption after a divorce, but you can get back on track.

Divorced Father and Teenage Daughter: Making the Best of Trying Years

Set Special Days…. Way Ahead of Time

You two need time to yourself. Time that is sacred, but also, that is set way in advance. Teenage girls can often feel like the busiest people in the world to themselves. They have friends, boyfriends, jobs, school functions, ‘hanging out’, and doing all the things they want to do at the forefront. Parents, unfortunately, often fall to the wayside during those teenage years. Especially when you aren’t seeing them every day.

Out of sight, out of mind is pretty prevalent in that younger group. So, next time you see her— set the next time you’ll have a special day. Agree on something that makes you both excited, set the day, and honor it. Doing this every time will be much easier than trying to organize it through mom, or a distracted daughter.

Lift Her Up, Empower Her Goals

It’s tough to get your teenager to open up. This is something we all know because, well, we’ve been there. For girls it can be a little bit different. But, when she expresses an interest to you— encourage them! Too many parents, friends, family, etc. stick to their classic ‘you’re a pretty girl’, ‘what a beautiful lady you’re becoming’, type of compliments and starting pieces. While increasing self-esteem is related to beauty in some part, there’s a lot more to it and, to her.

If she has an interest, a strength, or something about her that is unique to her— encourage that! Whether she’s interested in guitar, a fantastic swimmer, singer, or juggler… whatever it may be. Encourage her confidence by helping her learn to embrace her uniqueness.

Text Often, Call Sometimes

The great thing about our day and age is that our kids have their phones with them all too often. But, that means, you can send them a message any time you want. Don’t expect them to answer all the time, at the very least, they’ll know you’re thinking about them and to call when they get a chance. A divorced father can have it pretty tough, especially if he lives far away. But the key is to do what you can, and with time they’ll likely come back around. Daughters are tough, but man, are teenagers difficult to handle most of the time.

The key for you, pops, is to keep your head up high and know that it will come. It might take a transition, the strike of midnight when they turn 20, or a strong realization… But, either way— we’re rooting for you and wish you luck and patience.

Non-Custodial Parent Denied Visitation: Understanding Your Rights

In the event that you are a non-custodial parent being denied your visitation rights, it’s important to understand that your rights are being violated. Many parents will sit back and bite their tongue, being that rocking the boat would ultimately feel like hurting the child. However, you as a parent, have certain rights that, when denied, can have legal ramifications. But what are they? And what can you do to ensure that you receive the visitation with your child that you deserve.

Non-Custodial Parent Denied Visitation: Understanding Your Rights

Document your denial

Chances are, the first time your visitation falls through, you’ll be upset but won’t take action. You hope it doesn’t happen again, and sulk away until next time. But, it’s important that you document the denial. You can keep record of calls, messages, or even file a police report. Ultimately, it all depends on what route you decide to take. Doing so will make sure that each parent has received the written details of your denial, but it also tells the court that you’re serious about your visitation rights.

What can the court do?

Ultimately, denial of rights for a non-custodial parent is a contempt of court. So, denying those rights can have some pretty hefty penalties. For the parent who is doing the denying, you are in contempt of court and can face fine, or be put in jail. Other than that, the court can also decide to adjust the custody arrangement accordingly. So, if you deny those rights, you could be giving up your own in the process.

Ultimately, no matter what legal route you take— denying a parent the right to see their child is wrong

If you have a custody agreement set, and the other parent is not putting your child in any danger— there is no reason to deny a parent access to their own child. You are not only breaking the law, but you are doing harm to your child. A child needs both of their parents. Whether they realize or not the importance, you as an adult must be the bigger person. While, at the child’s age, they might not understand— it’s only a matter of time before your child comes to understand what it means to be a parent; to love your child unconditionally. Imagine yourself on the flip side of this scenario— that of being denied time with your child. Seems lonely, doesn’t it?

While legal ramifications should be a consideration, even more so should be the idea of losing custody of your child.