How-To Keep Spending Small in Your Divorce: Save Money, Time, and Heartache with These Few Steps

There’s no denying that a divorce is quite costly to both parties involved. So, what can we do to keep spending small when it comes to our divorce? If you can find a way to save your funds, divorce each other peacefully, and keep that bad taste out of your mouth— why not do so? It may sound idealistic on our end, but it is possible to make it through a divorce without your blood pressure going through the roof. With hard work, patience, and collaboration, you might just find that you two went through a model divorce…

How-To Keep Spending Small in Your Divorce: Save Money, Time, and Heartache with These Few Steps

Set a timeline, and commit to it

A divorce is all about paperwork and deadlines. From figuring out child support, splitting assets, selling your family home, and closing up shop— it can take a while to work through. So, missing a deadline can make it take even longer. You two set a meeting? Stick to it, don’t put it off for any reason. Ultimately, that attorney isn’t there on his own free will— their time costs money. Be smart, efficient, reasonable, and timely in hitting your marks and providing any materials.

Keep it business-like and efficient

If you can check your emotions at the door, you’ll be sure to keep spending small, or at least smaller than they might have been. Sometimes, the way that we feel tends to influence our decision making. Maybe you noticed that your soon-to-be-ex has been going out with the boys, and now you’re angry so you want to go for more. Making changes to the agreement midway through, especially out of anger, can be counterproductive. Bringing those emotions into the mix is bad news, and can inevitably add to further costs. Do yourself a favor and save money by saving time.

Be flexible with one another

Have expectations and wants when it comes to assets and splitting the load. But, be realistic and flexible about it. Consider making a list; a list of what is a necessity to you, and the things you’d like to have— but can give on. Consider that even the things you feel are a necessity, aren’t guaranteed, and the more time you spend worrying over those things and not giving on them— the more money you spend. Who knows, by the end of this whole thing (if you do it right) you might be able to replace what you gave up on.

How-to Avoid Isolating Yourself Post-Divorce

Recovering after a divorce can be very difficult. You’ve spent your past few months, or year, tearing your life up. All in all, that can make it pretty easy to fall into a slump. People process grief and loss differently, and there’s no one way that people cope. But one way that tends to show up quite often, is by isolating yourself. As we’ve said, it’s easy to fall into a slump and, in turn, separate yourself from friends and family who are still here for you. Recovery is difficult, but it’s even more difficult when you go at it alone. Those connections you had, are still there post-divorce. So, we’ve put together a list for you; a list of way to avoid isolating yourself in tough times…

How-to Avoid Isolating Yourself Post-Divorce

Maintain Close Relationships

For the most part, you might be doing the exact opposite of this because it’s easier. The people close to you want to know how you’re doing, they’ll want to rehash— make sure you’re okay. But, you might want to do the exact opposite of that. So, set some ground rules. Ultimately, these people care about you and want to help. So, tell them what they can do to help you. They’re here to do what’s best for you. Sometimes, that just needs a little bit of direction.

Be Careful Who You Confide In

On the flip side, maybe sharing is just what you need to do to get by. Just make sure you’re doing this in the right way, and with the right people. Venting on social media might feel like a good idea at the time. But, by putting your story and your feelings out into the world, you give people a chance to inject their own views, opinions, and unsolicited advice. Everyone has their own view, and when you’re going through a divorce, you might need those views. So, do what you see fit.

However, remember that what you put out to the public— is subject to all of the public. While you and your former spouse are no longer on good terms, maybe you still care about his family. So, consider that what you post might make it’s way to them as well.

Isolating yourself is the easiest option…

…but that doesn’t make it the best, or even a good option. By having a strong support group, you’ll be able to work through the emotional process of divorce. But in order to do that, you need to maintain healthful connections, and ask for what you need.

While it may feel like you don’t have the energy to invest in other relationships, they are still important, even if your marriage didn’t work out. Avoid isolating yourself because it is not your best option by any means. Instead, surround yourself with good people, good things, and start to re-build. You have a lot of good things ahead of you…

How-To Ruin Custody Battles: What Actions Blow My Chances?

Custody battles can undoubtedly get quite ugly. There are mixed feelings, different goals from each parent, and a lot of different emotions stoking the fire. As your spouse and you both put up a fight to achieve your goal, there might come attacks; attacks on character, actions, choices you’ve made… So, you have to choose what route you want to take moving forward. What do you want for your family? There are plenty of ways to ruin custody battles, and put yourself at risk of losing it all. So, what should I avoid?

How-To Ruin Custody Battles: What Actions Blow Your Chances?

Arriving late to pick ups/ visits

One likely way to show a court that you lack dedication to the cause, is being late for pickup and drop-off. Oftentimes, these arrangements are either between the two of you, or the two of you ,and the court. Either way, being late for something you agreed upon can show the judge that you don’t make this current custody arrangement a priority. Not to mention, it shows irresponsibility and a lack of commitment to your child.

So take scheduled visits as a chance to prove that you are reliable and responsible.

Denying suggestions or orders

If a judge orders you to take parenting classes, go to therapy, or seek counseling to better your role as a parent— do it. The court is giving you a chance at redemption; a chance to right your wrongs. You’ll want to take that chance, show graciousness, and stay the path. This can show that you are willing to do what’s necessary to see your children. Also, it ensures the court that you are seeking the help you need to become the best parent possible.

Using visits or swap times as a mediation tool

Maybe you feel that some aspect of the agreement is not up to par anymore. Or, maybe, you feel that there should be a renegotiation on child support. One way to ruin custody battles? Using the precious time you have with your child, to negotiate it. Or even, if you use those few moments of swap time to try and make a plea. Ultimately, it shows that the child is not at the forefront of your mind, and that they have ulterior motives versus doing well for the right reasons. If you want to renegotiate child support, set a time with your former spouse to discuss it. Or, reach out to your lawyer. Your time with your kids should be exactly that— nothing more, nothing less.

Drug or alcohol abuse

Lastly, and most obviously, is abusing drugs or alcohol. In the event that the court finds proof that you’re using drugs or alcohol, your visitations can go right out the window. In short, when you’re trying to win custody of any sort, you want to show stability, and good decision making abilities. Therefore, it’s best to avoid anything that may indicate that you have a problem. You have to think of any way you act in public, as a chance to ruin or help your custody agreement.

If you are serious about your custody case, you want to avoid any of these actions, as they often bring harm to custody battles. Being that your ex may be looking for any way to attack your character and take custody, you must keep your actions clean and respectable.

Divorcing Without Kids: Why It’s Just As Hard

When you go through a divorce, your whole life gets uprooted. Your home, the dog, your belongings, your love life… everything changes or goes away. Going through a divorce as a parent is very tough; you have to tell your kids, split time, and do the custody shuffle. So, when someone you know is divorcing without kids, it can be easy to dismiss their struggle as less than. And sure, divorcing without children has a few particular upsides. But, it’s still a divorce, and it’s still very emotionally taxing….

Divorcing Without Kids: What Makes It just as Difficult?

When you picture a divorce as an outsider, you see kids, a house, a car, maybe a family business. but, divorce doesn’t look like that for everyone. Instead, it can really just look like two people, without much, that have fallen out of love. Maybe you haven’t gotten around to the kids yet, or maybe it was a conscious decision. But, it’s important to understand that you’re not alone in this. You might be wondering why you’re feeling so in a rut? Why people are dismissing your divorce almost as a bad breakup? And why you’ve felt so isolated…

When divorcing without kids, it can be hard to find motivation

When you have children and are going through divorce, you have to dust yourself off and get back up. You have no choice; there are little people waiting on you to carry on as normal for their sake. But, when divorcing without kids, you don’t have that same requirement. Therefore, it can be easy to fall into a hard slump. For parents, their purpose lies in their children. So, it makes it easier to feel like things will get better, and more quickly. But, that can be difficult without a motivator such as this.

People see your pain as lesser than

Just because you don’t have kids running around, doesn’t mean your divorce wasn’t awful, and horrible, and heartbreaking. So many times, these divorcee’s will hear, “just be glad you didn’t have kids to deal with too,” and sure, that’s a valid point. Having to tell your kids, split your time, and cope with them through this would be tough— but it’s tough on your own too.

You might be worried about ever having kids now

You had your heart set on your marriage, and eventually building a family with that person. Now, you have to start all over, and you might be worried. Am I running out of time? Will I ever be a mother/father? Have I ruined my shot? This feeling can be scary, especially as you begin to age. But, you still have time and options. Worry not.

Try to see the good in this

You have a unique opportunity in your adult life to make a decision solely for you. Relocate, make a big change, go on a month long vacation— you have an opportunity that many don’t come by. While it’s not ideal, and doesn’t make your situation feel any lesser— try and look at the upsides of it. We’d advise any parent to do the same— look at the positives of your particular situation. We wish you luck as you move forward din this difficult times, and offer our services if you may need them.

Courtroom Courtesy: How To Behave In Court

Whether you’re facing a minor traffic ticket, a DWI, or your divorce case, you want to behave properly in court. From dealing with your attorney, to the other lawyers, to most importantly– the judge. In these cases, you want to be polite and avoid doing anything that could further harm your case. So here’s some basic rules of courtroom courtesy.

Courtroom Courtesy

Don’t Talk To The Other Party’s Attorney

One part of courtroom courtesy that will help your case, is to avoid talking to the other party’s attorney. For the most part, this will be the duty of your own lawyer. Your lawyer can serve as a middle man or go between. In which case, if you have anything to discuss with the other party, your attorney can speak with them. One exception may be if you’ve already talked to your attorney and they advised you to speak with them personally. But for the most part, it’s a good rule just to allow your lawyer to be the middle man.

Never Interrupt the Judge

Possibly the most important form of courtroom courtesy is to make sure you never interrupt the judge. At times, you may want the opportunity to speak, to defend your case, or plead your cause. But do not, under any circumstances, interrupt the judge. Instead, wait your turn as he or she will give you the opportunity to speak. And when you do, make sure you are polite.

Don’t Interrupt the Opposing Party

Likewise, you don’t want to interrupt the opposing party either. While they may say things you don’t agree with or aren’t true, you’ll be itching to speak out and defend yourself. However, interrupting to do so is not the right move so you need to fight that urge in court.

Come Prepared

As a good policy for courtroom courtesy, you want come as prepared as possible. That means, having the correct documents, with plenty of copies on hand. Actually, the more prepared you come, the better your case may look. But this can all be confusing so your attorney should assist in making sure you’re ready for your case.

In short, you want to remain polite and respectful to make sure you are practicing courtroom courtesy. From the way you talk to how you dress, you want to make a good impression. That begins with respecting your judge, the courtroom, and the legal process as a whole.

Family Affair: Do I Tell the Kids They Cheated?

If you, or your spouse, are having an affair — it’s important to decide who knows what when you address the issue. Most importantly, what (if anything) do your kids know about their parents’ extra-marital relations. This is ultimately up to the parent who did not cheat. But, making the call either way has a few implications. There is no simple answer to the question, and the best route for your family might not be the best route for another. No matter how you go about it, it’s important to take time with the decision.

Family Affair: Do I Tell the Kids They Cheated?

Ultimately, this decision should be made by the two of you together. You need to weigh the pro’s and cons of doing such. Many parents decide to withhold this information from their kids, especially if they are younger (particularly the 1-12 range). But, others will decide that transparency is more important than putting their children through the emotional pain.

Consider if your kids will even understand

Before deciding if it’s right to involve your children in this aspect of your marriage, you have to decide if they will even understand what this means. Telling an 8 year old “Mom/Dad had an affair”, will hold little to no weight, and likely will not affect them— because they won’t understand. But, telling a 14 year old the same thing, will be earth-shattering. Think about it. Your kids idolize you, whether they admit it or not. Therefore, telling them that their idol has made a maritally-fatal mistake can have some serious implications.

Decide where you go from here before deciding who to tell

Your marriage is your business— the two of you, exclusively. It is up to you to decide what aspects of your marriage become public— even to your children. Therefore, it’s important that you make a decision about your marriage before you open it up to other people. If you and your spouse are going to stay together and work it out, telling your kids is probably not a great idea.

You are ultimately deciding what kind of relationship your child will have with their Mom/Dad

Having an affair is a highly selfish decision to make. However, you have to decide what community you want it to affect. Is this a decision that should directly affect you and your spouse? Or should it affect you, your spouse, your children, and other parts of the family? This is a personal decision, and one you will have to make for yourself. But, before you do— we urge you to take time with your choice. We wish you the best of luck in dealing with this uniquely difficult time.

Disciplining Through Divorce: Maintaining Boundaries in Tough Times

One of the most difficult things to do when you’re going through divorce, is to continue disciplining your kids. You’re putting them through a tough time, and doing so can make it difficult for you to continue being the kind of parent you typically are. But, maintaining discipline is just as important as maintaining communication with your children during these tough times. While you might think that easing off is the best route to go, keeping as many things normal as possible— is actually your best bet.

Disciplining Through Divorce: Maintaining Boundaries in Tough Times

You might be wondering what the harm is in letting your foot off the gas as you navigate this familial changes. But actually, it can be quite damaging in the long run. Think about it, you’re getting ready to enter a new stage in parenting— and this is the beginning of it. During a divorce, kids often begin to test their boundaries. They are trying to navigate what’s changing, what this means for them, but also, what they can get away with now.

No matter the age range of your children, small rebellions will begin to ensue. This can be anything from throwing tantrums, refusing to eat, talk, or even sneaking out, and engaging in harmful behaviors. A divorce is a trying time for everyone involved. But this is why disciplining is so important for you.

You’re setting the groundwork for how you’ll parent from now on

Your kids are looking to you as a sign of what’s to come. This is why you want to start with the type of parenting you plan to continue on with. A divorce is not a break for your kids when it comes to parenting. And while you might be distracted, it’s important to maintain a structure you intend to keep.

While your kids might act out, and they should receive reprimand— allow them to express their feelings in a healthy way

It’s important that you remember this is difficult for them too. So, while certain behavior is not tolerable— this is a time when you should be able to speak freely as a family. Encourage them to open up, express their emotions— but do it in the right way. We wish you luck as you move forward with your separation.

Contemplating Divorce vs Toxic Marriage For Your Kids

Contemplating divorce is hard work— especially if you have children. You automatically feel like you might be letting them down, or breaking a promise to them in some sense. You had an image in mind when you thought of having kids; one big, happy family with two parents always in the picture. But, with time, the marriage became something different, and unhealthy. Many couples try to ‘stick it out for the kids’. But, there are instances where a divorce is healthier than a marriage… for you, and for your kids.

Contemplating Divorce: How Divorce can be Healthier than Marriage for your Kids

you might think that a divorce will automatically shatter your children’s hearts. And in some instances, it might be upsetting. However, ‘upsetting’ is much more productive than the potential harm of you staying in a marriage that is destructive to you, and also your children’s idea of love and a quality life.

Being a parent is about protecting your children, but that shouldn’t come at the cost of your own well-being

There are a few instances where divorce is the only option when it comes to protecting yourself and your children. I’m referencing abuse, addiction, putting the family at risk of danger… you can assume the situations. However, being in a relationship that is wrought with constant arguments, a lack of intimacy, disinterest in each other, or being hurtful to each other— is arguably just as damaging. You might think that you and your spouse do a good job of keeping these issues to yourselves. However, your kids are just as present in the home as you are. They can understand the dynamics, the hard feelings, and how Mom/Dad is hurting Dad/Mom.

You want your children to have a strong understanding of happy, healthful relationships

Think about what you want for your children in the future: happiness, security, health, and strong relationships, among other things. Now that you’ve reflected on this, consider where they model these ideals after. The answer, is you. Your children gain much of their understanding of relationships from their parents. Therefore, you want to create something worth modeling after. If you don’t have this with your spouse, and your contemplating divorce, it should be worth adding to the list of reasons why a divorce might be worthwhile. You want to be able to be a good parent to your children. That’s all any parent wants. This starts with being present, happy, and being a strong role model.

A divorce is never easy, but don’t use your children as a reason why not to go through with it

Ultimately, your children will be fine. Life is full of hardships, and while a divorce is tough for your kids— putting them through a tumultuous relationship is arguably even harder. So, if you’re contemplating divorce, consider how the current relationship is affecting your children. Do you fight a lot? Do you spend a lot of time apart? Are you good models of what a spouse should be? These are all great questions to ask yourself if the thought has crossed your mind. We wish you luck in contemplating, and potentially going through with, your divorce.

Gaining More Quality Time as a Non-Custodial Parent

Being a non-custodial parent is tough, and you often feel shorted on quality time spent with your kids. You’ve probably spent quite a bit of time racking your brain for solutions to your lack of time problem. You miss them, they’re growing up, and you want to be a part of it all. Well, the good news is that you can! just because you aren’t the primary custody holder doesn’t mean that you have to be absent from day to day life, you just have to get a little bit crafty…

Gaining More Quality Time as a Non-Custodial Parent

Coach your kids sports team!

One of the best ways to get more involved, is by coaching your kids sports teams! You get extra time spent every week, you get to help them grow as a person and athlete, and teach them lessons your mother/father taught to you. being a coach is an awesome way to increase your quality time, because it adds to value to their character and will help you both feel closer to each other. Not to mention, if you ever struggle with finding something to talk about— you just gained a whole new topic.

Be a chaperone

if they have field trips, be a chaperone if you can! You get to have a special day with your kid, get out and do something without having to plan, and help out the school at the same time. It shows your kid, and theater parent, a want to be involved as well— which might help your case for more custody time as well. You have to check with the custodial parent, of course, but if they’re on board— go for it!

Go have lunch with them at school

Surprise your kid and go have lunch with them while they’re at school. Obviously, you notify both the other parent, and the teacher before making an appearance. But, this is one way to get a little bit of extra quality time out of your day. Make them a fun meal, bring takeout, or even eat cafeteria food with them… No matter how you go about it, this is a fun way to make the most of a little bit of time spent with your kid.

Offer to be the ‘babysitter’

Let your co-parent know that when it comes to hiring a babysitter… don’t! You can easily take the reigns for an evening, and plus— you’re free. Being the ‘babysitter’ is a great way to help out the other parent, and also get some extra time during the week with your little one.

Ultimately, you have to find your own ways to be there

Every parenting situation and child is different. So, take these suggestions, but also customize them to fit your kid and situation. Quality time can be spent in plenty of ways, so don’t limit yourself! Get creative, have fun with it, but ultimately, just be there for your kid. We wish you luck in getting more quality time with your little babes. They’re sure to appreciate it!

Same-Sex Marriage: Tips for New Parents

Being in a same-sex marriage comes with it’s own set of challenges. One of which is having children. For some, it can take years to figure out a plan. Surrogate, insemination, adoption… there are tons of options, but all take time. So, when you finally do have a child— it can be easy to overcompensate. Parenting is difficult all around, and heterosexual couples are just as susceptible to this as their counterparts. But, when you face as many obstacles as a same-sex couple might— parenting has a whole other element to it.

Same-Sex Marriage: Tips for New Parents

One of the biggest things we want to focus on here is overcompensating. It’s easy to do in any parenting situation. But, as a same-sex couple, you’ve faced a lot of unique obstacles together, especially when it comes to conceiving a child. So when they finally come, it can be easy to try and ‘give them the world’. Your child is a miracle, no doubt. But love and affection is enough for your child. Every child has to learn how to cope with ‘no’ and consequences. Just because your child is a blessing, doesn’t mean they should have anything and everything at their fingertips.

Allow your child to make their own decision on how much they divulge at school

You’re proud of who you are, and you should teach your child to be proud of who they are too. However, allow them to explore how and what they share at school on their own. Your family is perfect, and unique— but give them time to find this and share it on their own. Times are changing in a positive way, thank goodness, but kids are still mean sometimes— let’s face it. Therefore, it’s important to allow your child to share at a comfortable pace for themselves. You’ve created good people, and you must hope that others have done the same. So, have faith in your child to be proud of their family and of you— in their time.

Surround yourself and your family with a diverse friend group

One of the problems that many children of same-sex marriage might have is thinking that they’re different from other families when, in all reality, they are just the same! Every family is diverse or blended in some form or fashion, so surround your children with that! Having a friend group that is diverse will show them what a family really is. It’s a mix of family, friends, and all kinds of people.

Be yourselves; be affectionate, be proud, and embrace everyone

You’re a ‘normal’ family because you’re a family. Don’t feel as if you have to be different, or feel pressure to be better because your child has two moms or two dads. Many same-sex parents feel like they have to be or do more because their child’s parental situation is non-traditional. But, as we’ve said, times are changing and you don’t have to be anything more than a good parent to your children.

So, be you!! Be a good parent, a friend, an active member of the community, and a loving spouse. Don’t get caught up on the fact that you’re ‘different’ because you’re not, you just have your own, unique, beautiful family. Enjoy this journey; watching your child grow is such a rewarding experience and we wish you the best of luck in crafting your experience!