Category: post-divorce

Moving Forward: Setting Your New Course

Re-adjusting to life after your divorce can be difficult. It’s not uncommon to feel lost and confused after everything is said and done. However, there are different ways you can start moving forward with your new life. You’ll soon be able to see all the new different possibilities that you can take your life in…

Moving Forward: Setting Your Life Course

Focus on the positive outcomes

Many people get stuck on focusing on the negative aspects about their marriage and divorce once the divorce is over. The more you focus on these negative aspects, the more your overall thought process will become negative. That’s why moving forward means working on the positives. 

After your normal grieving period, then it’s time to start looking ahead. Think about the positive things that are possible now that you’re in control again. Once you’re able to think about them, then you’ll be able to make them a reality. 

Restructure & reorganize

Odds are that divorce wasn’t initially in your life plans. However, this shake-up has a silver lining in that you can take some time to restructure your future goals. This doesn’t mean “give up on everything you had planned”; rather, it just means think about what you can change to get yourself happy again. 

You can also reorganize your daily activities. Maybe you can start to pick up a new hobby. You can also start learning something that your ex usually took care of so you can be prepared in the future. Either way, you’re getting yourself out of your old life and into your new one. 

Spend time with others

It isn’t uncommon to feel lonely after your divorce. You can feel the need to shut yourself off from others during this time. Whether it’s due to feelings of grief, shame, or anger, these feelings can consume you.

Spending time with others helps to fight against these feelings. Being with friends or family can help you see you’re not truly alone. Instead, you have plenty of people who care about you. 

Divorce takes a toll out of you emotionally even when it’s successful. It can be hard to get yourself back in balance. However, if you remain focused on what’s important, you can start to move forward into a brighter, better life. 

Divorce Depression: Managing the Hurt

Divorce depression is something that can anyone going through a divorce can experience. Even if the divorce was your idea, that doesn’t mean you can’t become depressed over the ending of your marriage. However, these feelings don’t have to last. In fact, you can begin to fight them even while your divorce is underway…

Divorce Depression: Managing the Hurt

Keep a journal

You may feel like you have hundreds of things running through your head during a divorce. It can be hard to keep track of everything going on, let alone how you’re feeling on the day-to-day. This is where it helps to start keeping a journal.

Keeping a journal can help with divorce depression as you can get those feelings in your head out into the “real world”. Writing helps keep your head clear and truly figure out how you’re feeling about the divorce. Continuing to write will also let you see the progress you make in improving yourself over the course of your divorce. 

Don’t cut yourself off

It’s totally understandable if you want alone time during your divorce. However, it’s important to not cut yourself off from others completely. Doing so will only add onto your divorce depression.

Keep yourself connected to your close friends and family. Odds are, they’ll be your number one source of support during this time. You can also try and get involved in your local community. This will help you make new connections with people you may have never talked to otherwise!

Make changes, big and small

Even the slightest of changes in your daily routine can help get your out of your divorce depression funk. After all, why not make some positive changes to help counteract the negative ones? Not only are you keeping yourself busy, you’re also setting up your better post-divorce life. 

For example, you can remodel your house to be more to your liking. You can make some changes to your wardrobe. What’s important is making the changes you wish to make.

Divorce is difficult, but it’s also the chance to do things your way again. Find your own happiness and you can start your post-divorce life energized and ready for whatever comes next!

New Year Post-Divorce: Going Into It Right

With the new year beginning, it’s the perfect time to get your new life post-divorce established. However, you might not be sure about where to start. It’s true that there is a lot to consider when starting your new year post-divorce, but there’s plenty of ways to get started…

New Year Post-Divorce: Going Into It Right

Make sure to process your divorce fully 

It’s understandable to be eager to move on from your divorce in your new year post-divorce. This is especially true if things didn’t go the way you wanted. However, you shouldn’t push yourself  to move on before you’re ready too. Instead, you’ll want to give yourself the time you need to grieve properly. 

If you don’t give yourself the time to process your divorce now, then you won’t be able to move on from it properly. This can complicate the things you want to accomplish in the new year. It’s best to take that time now to fully process your emotions rather than having them always bother you down the line. 

Figure out who you want to be

Figuring out who you want to be is a key to starting your new year post-divorce right. Remembering who you used to be before your divorce and marriage is a good way to rebuild who you are. It’s important, however, to not get caught up in just remembering. 

In order to become a better you in the future, you can’t get caught up in the past. Divorce gives you a clean slate to start your new life with. You’ll have a lot of power to make new life decisions for yourself going forward. Figure out what you’d like to change or improve, and use that as a start to become who you want to be. 

Explore new things and places

When you were married, you had to compromise. You had to put off going to places you wanted to go because your ex didn’t. You didn’t do things you liked if you knew your ex hated them. 

Now, with your new year post-divorce starting, you have the ability to do these things and much more. Figure out the things you want to do or places you want to see and write them down. They don’t have to be anything crazy; after all, it’s your list. Use your new year as the opportunity to make as many of these goals of yours come true and really enjoy yourself. 

The start of a new year after your divorce can be the change to truly take your life in a new direction. Doing the things you want and becoming the person you’ve wanted to be will help you see that your divorce isn’t the end of the world, but rather the chance to really start living again.

Hidden Divorce Costs: What To Watch For

Divorce can be a costly process. Most couples will expect this to be due to things like legal fees and might make plans on how to keep costs down. However, there are some hidden divorce costs which can sneak up on you. To help make sure your divorce doesn’t break the bank, here are a few expenses to be aware of…

Hidden Divorce Costs: What To Watch For

New tax payments

When married, you can file your income taxes as married filling jointly. This lets you generally pay the least amount of taxes. However, you’ll have to go back to filing as a single person again once you’re divorced. This means you’ll end up paying more taxes than you might be used to. 

This is one of those hidden divorce costs which you might not consider until tax season is fast approaching. The new tax bill might also lead to more tax costs than you’d expect. Speaking to a tax specialist can help you figure out what exactly your new costs might be. 

Real Estate Costs

If you have to sell your house after your divorce, you can encounter some hidden divorce costs in the way of realtor fees and closing costs. You’ll also have to consider any repair costs to the house as well. Furthermore, if you’re selling in a bad market, you could end up with getting less for your house than you originally thought. 

You may run into unexpected costs even if you keep the house. If you have to buy out your spouse’s interest in the house, you’ll have to get appraisals on it’s worth. Also, you’ll have to consider refinancing your loan if both you and your spouse were on the loan beforehand. 

Health Insurance 

Most married couples will share one insurance policy due to it’s lower costs. Of course, when you’re divorced, this’ll end. Most insurers will not continue to cover you through your spouse’s policy once you’re divorced. This means you’ll have to plan on getting your own policy once the divorce is over. 

Employment Searching

Getting back into the workforce can bring its own set of hidden divorce costs. You may need updated certifications or education to match the new workplace standards. While this can lead to higher paying jobs down the line, it’ll still cost money now. 

You’ll also have to consider updating your wardrobe to prepare for interviews or workplace dress codes. Plus, you’ll have to consider travel costs to get to and from work. This may mean setting aside money for public transport, gas, or even a new car if necessary. 

Divorce costs can creep up when you least expect them. Being aware of the more hidden ones can help make sure your finances stay in order during this potentially stressful time. 

Avoid Messenger Madness: Keeping your Child out of the Middle 

When going through a divorce, it can be difficult to try and have those hard conversations, or even a normal one, with your to-be former spouse. For this reason, many divorcees will find themselves using their children as a means of passing along a message. It could be simple, or it could be malicious. No matter the reason, or the message, it’s important to understand that using your child as a messenger during divorce can be damaging in a number of ways. Therefore, it’s vital that you and your soon to-be ex (STBX) establish healthy lines of communication that don’t involve your children….

Avoid Messenger Madness: Keeping your Child out of the Middle 

The first thing we need to establish is that using your child as a messenger during divorce is inappropriate. As we’ve said, no matter the message, your child is not a party of this divorce. Your children are not meant to pick sides, be involved in nasty conversations, or aware of any wrongdoings. As parents, we want to make sure our children are receiving as little damage as possible in this difficult time. The conflict of a divorce is high, and difficult for everyone involved. Therefore, adding the unnecessary discomfort of delivering a message can cause issues for your child. 

Messages misconstrued 

I’m sure, at some point in your life, you’ve played the game ‘telephone’. You sit in a line, someone whispers a message down the line. By the time that message comes out the other side— it’s entirely different than what was said by the first person. Think of using your child as a messenger in a similar fashion. While their intentions are pure, and the message may be as well, it’s easy to lose track of a message from start to finish. These messages can cause conflict, missing deadlines, anger… 

Create a healthy space for exchanging messages 

Lastly, the best thing you can do with your STBX, is to create a method for passing messages along. Something different might work for you than for someone else. Maybe you’re okay with texting, emailing, Facebook messaging…. whatever your method may be— find a space that works for the two of you, and make that your primary source of communication. By finding a common space, you can pass along messages, appointments, documents… all forms of communication. By taking this route, you keep your kids out of it, and you keep yourselves organized. 

Being a Better Parent: Viewing Divorce as a Positive for Kids

No one plans to become a divorced parent when they starting having children. After all, most people decide to have children at a rather joyous point in their life or, even, at a time when they feel like their marriage needs a savior. However, after having your children, you and your spouse come to the decision that a divorce is what’s best for everyone. Inevitably, as a parent, you will begin to fear what divorce means for your children. You will likely automatically begin to think about the negatives when considering parenting with your spouse through, and after, a divorce. However, there are plenty of ways that divorce can make you a better parent …

Being a Better Parent: Viewing Divorce as a Positive for Kids

The idea that putting your children through a divorce can be good for them, might seem a little counterintuitive. While a divorce is never easy for anyone involved, the outcome can be if you go about it in a healthy way. Think about it: If you’re marriage is in the kind of shape that requires a divorce for you both to be happy, then your marriage isn’t really benefiting your children anyways. Therefore, a divorce might give you both the kind of freedom, and improved outlook, that you need to be a great parent. 

You can better align your values to your parenting style 

When you’re living in a marriage that is unhealthy, and considering divorce— you’re likely lying to your children in some regard. Or, you’re at least living in a way that is contrary to the morals you teach. We always tell our children to be truthful to the people they care about. But, when you’re considering a divorce, you often try to portray the normal, every day relationship you have with your spouse. While this is for your childrens’ sake, it’s also inauthentic. 

Your children get to understand you better as parents and people

When telling your children about your divorce, you have to get pretty honest, pretty quickly. There are some aspects of your divorce that will remain between spouses. However, there is also a lot of explaining that you’ll have to do when it comes to your kids. By sharing the divorce with them, and having an open discussion as a family, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of eachother, and the divorce itself. This part of the process can be particularly therapeutic, shocking, and difficult to make it through. However, it is necessary. 

You’re teaching your children how to be strong, to rebuild, and to make the best of a bad situation 

Your children will likely be upset for a while in one way or another. But, eventually they will come around and begin to better understand the world around them. A divorce is difficult. But, often, the year or two afterwards can be even more difficult. You’re reorienting your life, learning how to run a household by yourself, and becoming financially self-sufficient. Making this transition can be hard. Especially if you were the homemaker in your marriage. However, it’s a test of wills, strength, and courage that your children will be party to. 

Becoming a better parent post-divorce can have a different meaning than it does when you’re married. You have to do the tough stuff, be good cop and bad cop, and handle a difficult situation with grace. No one said you have it easy. But, you do have the most rewarding job in the world, and a new lease on life…

Telling the Kids about New Partners: Breaking the news smoothly 

The time will likely come for every divorced or single parent when they must share the news of new partners with their children. You’ve finally found someone who makes you happy, and wants to bond with your family. While this is an exciting time, it can also be quite nerve-wracking as well. After all, you have to introduce the idea to your children, and then allow your partner to introduce themselves. So, it can take some preparation beforehand. That’s where we come in. Below, we’ve come up with a quick guide to breaking the news smoothly and getting to the part where everyone gets along. 

Telling the Kids about a New Partners: Breaking the news smoothly 

Before you ever introduce your children to your new partners, you need to introduce the idea to three different people: your children’s other parent, you partner, and then your children alone. You don’t want to spring this on any one of them. Doing so will only damage the possibilities of a successful meeting, So, before you even consider bringing the idea to your new partner or children, speak with your co-parent. 

Tell them that you’ve met someone, it’s serious, and you’re ready to bring them around your children. It’s important to understand that you need to clear this with them before making introductions. While this is your household, your relationship, and your children— they are also your co-parents’ children. So, be respectful— just as you want them to be towards you. 

Once you’ve cleared it with co-parent, speak with your new partner 

While you might think that your new partner should be ready to go on meeting your children, it’s important that you present the idea beforehand. you shouldn’t spring this on your partner, just like you shouldn’t with your children. This is a big step, and while you might feel ready— maybe they’re not. So, ask them. Don’t say ‘this is what I want’. Instead, explain that you care about them deeply, and want to make the next step and make them part of your family. 

After speaking with your new partner, and getting the go ahead— it’s time to move into step number three: telling your children. 

Now, every child is different. Therefore, every reaction will be different. However, how you present the idea is extremely important. You might be the first of their two parents to enter into a new relationship. In that instance, it might take some time for them to get used to. Speak their language. Make your children understand in their own unique way that you’ve found someone who makes you really happy and that, if they want, you’d love for them to meet him/her. Allowing your children to be in the driver’s seat in this scenario can make them feel more in control of a time that can be overwhelming to some. 

Understand that this situation might not go how you want it too 

The first step to bringing someone new into the equation, is accepting that it might not go as planned. Someone, somewhere, along the way could have an adverse reaction or decide that they aren’t ready. While this isn’t ideal, it’s part of the new stage you are entering. There will undoubtedly be growing pains and tough days. But, with the right person, it will all be worth it. 

Staying Friends Post-Divorce: Being Friendly After the Fact

The general sentiment for most when they separate from their spouse, is wanting distance from them. They hurt your feelings, you’ve just been through a huge ordeal, and as of now, you want nothing to do with them. However, this may not be the case. Maybe you want a friendship with your ex. Whether you want it now, or later, staying friends post-divorce is understandable. After all, they’ve been your best friend for a long time now… So, we’re here to help you maintain that relationship. Below, you’ll find a few tips for staying friendly in the long run…

Staying Friends Post-Divorce: Being Friendly After the Fact

Don’t avoid your memories just to avoid the divorce

Starting fresh has a certain appeal to it— especially in your scenario. So, it might feel like the logical thing to do to just ignore the milestones, hardships, achievements, and so forth, as a means of creating an easy-going friendship. Instead of denying those memories, embrace them in a new way. You and your now ex, and new friend, have a lot of history. Sure, a divorce isn’t exactly the kind of thing you want to re-hash. So, don’t. However, don’t use avoiding that topic as a means of avoiding everything else. Think of your ex as a good friend with lots of history, and nothing more. Staying friends post-divorce means you have to embrace the weird until you two find your sweet spot.

Give your old relationship time to settle before you work on a new one

Just like with any other relationship, staying friends post-divorce means taking some time to process and let it develop. Give your relationship time to settle; time to find a new groove, and then together, find your friendship. Often, we expect that both of us should be able to transition quickly. However, there will inevitably be some growing pains. After all, your marriage failed. This is not an easy, or quick, thing to move past. Heal your wounds, then begin to accept each other as friends instead of partners.

Don’t rehash or revisit old marital issues

Now is not the time to bring up old wounds and try to do something about them. Your marriage is over, so let it be over. If you and your ex choose to remain friends post-divorce, you must agree to let these things go. You’ve moved into a new period; a new relationship. This new relationship is not built to give you closure for the old one, or to solve old issues. It is something new entirely, and continuing to relive old mistakes, will only prevent this relationship from becoming beneficial to you both.

You two are choosing to re-invent and grow as friends

If you and your ex decide that staying friends post-divorce is something you can do, we commend you. This isn’t an easy decision to make, as many see their ex-spouse as a reminder of bad versus good. However, it’s a noble one, and it can be really great for the both of you. No one knows you better than your spouse, and losing that can be gutting. So, reinvent in the way that you see fit. This relationship, just like your marriage, does not have to satisfy anyone but you. So, have fun, explore your options, and create friendships where you see fit.