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Open Marriage: Benefits and Risks

The topic of open marriage might make some people shrink in discomfort. However, the practice is not that uncommon. An open marriage can mean lots of different things, but often involves partners allowing their spouses to engage in intimacy outside the marriage. While it might seem unconventional, this type of relationship can be beneficial to some couples and strengthen their marriage. However, for others, it could be risky. The bottom line is that if you and your spouse are considering engaging in an open marriage, you have to have honest conversations and decide together if this is the right arrangement.

Open Marriage: Benefits and Risks and Deciding If It’s Right for You

What is It?

The ground rules for an open marriage can vary from couple to couple. However, typically it’s a consensual, non-monogamous relationship. This means that partners either practice swinging or polyamory. Swinging usually means that spouses can have sexual relationships with partners outside the relationship, but the spouse is still their primary paramour. A polyamorous relationship would entail longer-term relationships outside of the marriage.

Possible Benefits

Some couples choose to have an open marriage because they simply don’t believe in monogamy for their entire lives. Others choose it because one partner’s sex drive is substantially higher than the other. And some choose this arrangement because their spouse is uncomfortable with some of their sexual needs. Swinging allows a couple to have sexual freedom to explore with other partners without lying.

Possible Risks

While an open marriage might be a helpful arrangement for some, it’s not always a good idea. The biggest risk is if both partners are not fully comfortable with the situation. This is an arrangement that you both must fully believe in and be okay with. Of course, there is also the chance that jealousy can become an issue. And if you are having sex with multiple partners, there is a risk for sexually transmitted diseases as well.

The Bottom Line

The bottom line is that an open marriage is a private decision that you and your partner must make together. The only way that this type of arrangement can work is if you are both entirely honest with each other. If one partner is hesitant about the idea, it’s probably not a great choice for your relationship. However, if you are both on board and fully comfortable with the idea, it might bring you even closer as a couple.

Engaging in an open marriage might seem very unfamiliar, but it is not that uncommon. Many couples find that this type of marriage allows them to explore sexually without having to lie and sneak around behind their spouse’s back. This, in turn, can strengthen their marriage bond and make their relationship stronger than ever. However, there are some risks to entering into this type of arrangement. It can be uncomfortable for your friends or children if they find out about it, and there is the potential for issues related to jealousy. If you and your spouse are talking about trying an open marriage, make sure that you lay out specific ground rules and that you both are communicating every step of the way.

How-to: Cope with Divorce Emotion & Gain Support

Divorce can being up all kinds of emotions and negative feelings. You may feel like your world is spiring out of control. Not only is a relationship ending, there are many other legal hoops to jump through. Between deciding where to live, who gets custody over the kids, and how to divide assets, there is a lot to work through. While it may seem overwhelming now, know there are ways to cope with divorce.

How-to Cope with Divorce: Steps to Take

Emotions

Divorce can bring up many painful emotions. For example, you may feel emotions such as grief, anger, depression, fear and frustration. The sadness and grief may set in at the realization of the loss or end of a relationship. The fear could be from the thought that you may be alone for a while. Anger could come from the hurt that you have experienced during the marriage and divorce process. Depression could come from the overwhelming fear that you will not be able to cope with all of these emotions.

In order to cope with divorce and these emotions, you must first let yourself go through this grief process. You will not be able to cure these feelings, but you can learn healthy ways to handle them. Once you have let yourself grieve, you will be able to start the process to move on with your new life.

Reach Out For Support

Do not be afraid to reach out to others for support. Many other people have been down the same road as you, and can be a good companion on this journey. Even if they have not experienced the same things that you have, friends and family who care about you will be there to support you too. If your circle got torn apart by the divorce, make an effort to meet new people. Join a club, start a new hobby, volunteer, or get involved in a place of worship or in the community.

If you need to talk to someone outside of your circle, reach out to a professional who can help. A councilor or support group can be a great place to open up without feeling judged by those you know. Talking through your feelings and emotions, and having someone there to listen is all a part of learning to cope with divorce.

Self-Care

Do not forget to take care of yourself through this process. Everything can feel so overwhelming that you forget to focus on yourself too. Make sure to exercise, which will help your physical and mental wellbeing. Pay attention to what your body is telling you it needs. That may be sleep, or that may be learning to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty about it.

Take time each day to nurture yourself. That may look different for each person, but could include doing yoga, going for a walk, reading a book, or spending time with friends. By making sure that you are mentally and physically rested and fit, you will be more able to take on having to cope with divorce.

How-to Navigate Religious Guilt During Divorce

Many religions do not condone divorce. They have built a negative stigma around it. This is actually a reason that some people stay in unhealthy marriages far longer than they should, or for their whole life. They may be worried about the stigma and associated shame and guilt that comes with divorce due to their religious beliefs. If you are in an unhealthy marriage that is beyond repair, do not let religious shaming keep you from getting a divorce. Learn more about how to navigate religious guilt during divorce.

How-to Navigate Religious Guilt During Divorce: Freeing Yourself From Shame

Stigma

Over the course of history, religious groups have looked down on divorce. There can be a lot of religious guilt during divorce, and a stigma that follows you after divorce. Some religious groups do not permit their members to get divorced, while others shun divorcees. Oftentimes, churches name divorce as a sin that should not be committed. ‘Marriage is a lifelong commitment’ is a common thing to hear. It is not uncommon to hear that God hates divorce. All of this leads to people staying in marriages that they should not stay in. It also makes people feel like they are a failure if they do get divorced. However, many times divorce can stem from circumstances that you are not in control of.

Forgive Yourself

If you are concerned about religious guilt during divorce, take time to work through forgiving yourself first. You can spend time praying and talk to God about your situation. Express your grief, sadness, and frustration. Religion always preaches forgiveness, so know that God will forgive you and that you should also forgive yourself. It may take you a while to get to the point where you can forgive yourself. In addition, you can talk to a councilor or someone objective to work through your struggles. Know that this one thing does not define who you are as a person. You are not a bad person for wanting a divorce.

Support Group

Divorce can be a difficult and emotional process to go through. It really helps to have people you can trust and lean on for support. If your church or religion will not stand behind you through your divorce, find a support group who will. There will always be people who can understand, relate and emphasize with your divorce. You will need people to lean on during the really emotional and challenging times. Also, just because your church frowns upon divorce, there are bound to be some people within the church that will be there to support you. They will be able to see your struggle from both sides, just as you do. Another option would be to look for another, more inclusive church. There are many churches that will accept you for you, and does not define you by your marital history.

How-to: Have a Healthy Divorce

Want to learn more about how to have a healthy divorce? Check out this video to learn more!

When people think of divorce, they mainly think of negative things. Yelling, fighting, and crying, are some emotions that may come to mind. But do all divorces have to end this way? The answer is ‘No’. Believe it or not, not all divorces have to be bitter messes. Learn more about how to have a healthy divorce.

How-to Have a Healthy Divorce: Changing Your Mindset

Remove the Negative Emotions

You meet someone, you fall in love, and then you live happily every after, right? Reality check. Relationships are not always like they are in the movies. You will have ups and downs, and sometimes they come to an end. Instead of choosing to be angry about that, do your best to look at the situation for what it is. Be glad you met that person and you were able to have a shot at doing life together. However, something happened, and you no longer feel that spark and love anymore. The first step in having a healthy divorce is to reframe your mindset. Recognize what has transpired and choose to be rational. Sure, going through a separation is an emotional roller coaster, but do your best to put the emotions aside. It may be a good idea to find a neutral party who can help you make sensible decisions.

Sometimes you may be getting a divorce because your spouse did something terrible like cheat on you. You can either be angry and bitter forever, or you can look at the situation from a fresh perspective. This person you loved is no longer a person who has done right by you. They have hurt and betrayed you. In reality, it may be a good thing that you are splitting up from them. While this person may have been good for you at one period, they may not be good for you anymore. Because of that, it may be a positive thing for you to move on.

Children and Assets

Of course, if you have children with your ex, this is not as simple. Unlike couples without kids, you can’t just split up your physical assets and then be done. You have to work through many things when you have children, like custody and visitation schedules. Children add another element to a divorce. However, do your best to keep any conflict away from the kids. In fact, ongoing parental conflict can increase a child’s risk of psychological and social problems. Oftentimes, it is helpful for divorced parents to come up with a plan and present it to their kids together. Working together to keep your kids calm and as happy as possible can help lead to a healthy divorce. Make sure to communicate honestly with your kids about the changes going on, as kids benefit from open communication.

My Child Doesn’t Want Visitation with the Other Parent

If your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent, it can cause a lot of stress and pain for you and your ex. If the child is young, you can often encourage them to go and change their minds. However, an older teen is a much harder sell. Try to get to the bottom of why they don’t want to go see their other parent. Be encouraging and positive about your ex, even if it’s painful to do so. Follow the rules and don’t withhold visitation without reason or you’ll wind up in legal trouble. And finally, if there are safety concerns, know when to take action. Hopefully, your child is just going through a phase and will get used to their new custody arrangement quickly.

My Child Doesn’t Want Visitation with the Other Parent: What Can I Do?

Try to Find the Reason Why

If your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent, there could be many reasons. For younger children, it might just be fear of a new environment if your ex moved into a new home. Or if there is a new step-parent or siblings that they will be around, it can be overwhelming. Some children simply get along better with one parent over the other. Or resent being further from their friends or extra-curricular activities.

Encourage Them

If you suspect that your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent because of some of the above reasons, try to be encouraging to them. Explain how much their other parent loves spending time with them, and try to ease their concerns. Always speak positively about your ex, even if it’s difficult to do so. Trash-talking is never a good idea and can lead to anxiety and confusion in children.

Follow the Rules

Don’t take it upon yourself to change your custody arrangement if your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent. If you have a custody agreement, you’ll need to follow the agreed-upon terms. Otherwise, you could wind up in legal trouble. Even if your ex is late on child support, you still have to allow them their visitation rights as scheduled. Speak with your attorney about how to take steps to collect any child support, but don’t retaliate by withholding custody.

When to Take Action

Finally, if you have reason to believe that your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent because of real safety concerns, know when to get involved. If you suspect abuse or neglect, you need to take steps to protect your child. Speak to your attorney about taking out a restraining order on behalf of your child, and discuss what steps you can take to change your custody agreement.

If your child doesn’t want visitation with their other parent, it’s usually because they are feeling anxious about change. They might feel more comfortable at your house, or it might be that their other parent has stricter rules. Try to encourage them to maintain a relationship with their other parent, and speak positively about your ex in front of them. In addition, try to make transitions as stress-free for children as possible. Follow the rules of your custody agreement, and don’t take it upon yourself to withhold visitation. Even if your ex is late on child support. However, if you suspect that visitation is putting your child in danger, speak to your attorney about how to protect them. You might need to take legal action against your ex, but keeping your child safe is the most important thing. Hopefully, there is no cause for concern, and you’ll be able to encourage your child to enjoy visitation with their other parent.

Finding Time for Self-care with Sole Custody

Finding time for self-care with sole custody can feel like an uphill battle, especially with younger children that rely on you for everything. With work, school, after-school obligations, and up-keeping a household, it can feel nearly impossible to find time for yourself. But your mental health is important, and you cannot be the parent you want to be if your tank is empty. So it’s important to try to squeeze in some ”me-time” even if time is short. Remember that it’s okay to say no to some things. You might also consider a swap with another parent for an afternoon or evening. Don’t be afraid to ask for support. And finally, when you find a slot in your schedule for self-care, hold it sacred and put it on your calendar. Hopefully, you can find some time to take care of your mental health.

Finding Time for Self-care with Sole Custody: Maintaining Your Mental Health

It’s Okay to Say No

Finding time for self-care with sole custody is easier if you remember that you can say no to some things. You don’t have to accept every invitation. Sports and activities are fun for young children, but they aren’t necessary. So don’t feel pressured to fill up every evening with activities. It’s also okay to not contribute to bake sales, PTA activities, being a room parent, or other obligations.

Consider a Swap

Another way to find time for self-care with sole custody is to consider swapping childcare with another parent. Perhaps you’re itching for a weekend away but you just don’t have a support system around. See if you can offer to take their children for a day or two in exchange for a getaway for yourself. You can also look into carpools, nanny shares, and other ways of combining with other parents to make childcare more affordable.

Ask for Support

Asking for support is another way to find time for self-care with sole custody. It’s okay to rely on the people around you and ask for their help from time to time. Don’t be afraid to reach out and request a little time for yourself. If you have the financial means, hire a babysitter a few times a month so that you can get an afternoon or evening away and do something for yourself that isn’t child-related or work-related.

Put It On Your Calendar

Finally, if you can find time for self-care with sole custody, hold that time sacred. If there’s a gap in your schedule, write in ”me time.” And take it! Don’t offer up that time slot if other things come up later. Hold that time sacred and give yourself the gift of honoring that promise to your mental health.

Finding time for self-care with sole custody is important for maintaining your overall happiness. You love your children, but sometimes you need some time away to be around other adults. It’s okay to need some space from time to time. If you have an extremely busy schedule, don’t be afraid to say no to requests for you to add more things to your plate. Ask a friend with similar-aged children if they’d like to swap some childcare now and then. Ask for help from friends or family, or hire a babysitter. And finally, put the time on your schedule. Even though your life is busy, try to find that space in your schedule so that you can maintain your mental health to be the best parent you can be.

Divvying Up Holidays with Shared Custody

Divvying up holidays with shared custody can be a source of a lot of frustration for many couples. However, as long as you begin planning things ahead of time, you can find a way to split things up so that it feels fair to everyone. Some couples choose to split the actual day of holidays while others choose to alternate different years with their children. And yet others decide to simply double up and celebrate with their kids whenever it’s convenient. The important thing is finding a solution that works for your family. Hopefully, you can all work together to make this holiday season the most memorable one yet.

Divvying Up Holidays with Shared Custody: Splitting Things Fairly

The Importance of Planning In Advance

Planning is the best way to begin divvying up holidays with shared custody. Don’t try to tackle this difficult negotiation when you’re already in the middle of a fight, or right before the holiday season. Instead, begin discussing things when you both are in a calm place. If certain holidays are important to your ex that you don’t care about and vice versa, make plans accordingly.

Sharing the Actual Day

When divvying up holidays with shared custody, some find it easiest to simply switch back and forth on the actual day of the holiday. For example, children might have a late Thanksgiving brunch at one house and then go to their other parents for Thanksgiving dinner. This is a solution that works well if you live close to each other.

Alternating Years

Other couples choose to alternate years when divvying up holidays with shared custody. This means that if you both want to spend Christmas with your children, that one year one parent gets to, and the next year you switch. If several holidays are important to both of you, you can split them evenly and then reverse them the next year.

Celebrating On Your Own Time

Finally, if you don’t want to worry about divvying up holidays with shared custody, you can always just celebrate on your own time. Children often don’t care about the calendar date that a holiday falls on. They’re more interested in traditions. So just move your holidays around so that they fit your schedule. For example, if you get your kids back on February 15 you can always still celebrate Valentine’s Day then.

Divvying up holidays with shared custody can create some frustration, but it doesn’t have to. Try to remember that holiday traditions are just as important to your ex as they are to you. You each want to spend special time with your children, so try to keep that in mind when discussing your plans. Figuring things out well in advance can save a lot of headaches and heartaches later on. Consider swapping custody on the day of the holiday so that kids get to spend part of the actual day with both of you. Or alternate years where you switch which parent gets the kids for bigger holidays. Or you might simply double up and let your children celebrate with both of you on your terms. The actual date of a holiday isn’t important, it’s the memories that your children will cherish.

Staying Neutral When Friends Divorce

Staying neutral when friends divorce can be tough, but if you’re friends with both husband and wife, it’s the only way to maintain your friendship with both. Try to set boundaries at the beginning about how involved you are comfortable being. Set expectations with them about wanting to stay neutral, and shut down trash-talking. Remember that you’re always getting one side of the story at a time, so take things with a grain of salt. And finally, remember to be a sounding board, but not a therapist. It’s not your job to fix their problems, but rather to be a support. Hopefully, they can have a reasonably amicable divorce and you’ll be able to maintain your friendship with both without having to pick sides.

Staying Neutral When Friends Divorce: Maintaining Friendships

Set Boundaries

When friends divorce, it can be helpful to set boundaries up front. Let them know that you want to be supportive, however, don’t let them take advantage of that. You cannot be fielding phone calls all day and night. It’s also important to remind them that you can’t be their mediator or go-between. That’s a job for a professional mediator or marriage counselor.

Set Expectations

It can be helpful to set expectations upfront when friends divorce. Let them know that you truly want to stay neutral and remain close to both of them. If that’s going to be a problem for either one, then you need to know at the start. Tell them you’re happy to be a sympathetic ear but that you don’t want to engage in trash-talking the ex.

A Grain of Salt

Try to remember to take everything with a grain of salt when friends divorce. While you might be hearing from both of them, you’re only ever getting one side at a time. Their version of the truth is always going to be different than their exes. Even if the facts are the same, each person might interpret things differently. So try to remember that no matter what you hear about either of your friends, it’s coming from a perspective that can’t be trusted.

Be A Sounding Board

Finally, when friends divorce, remember to be a sounding board and not a therapist. Let them tell you how they’re feeling, but try to avoid giving advice. You don’t want to look like you’re trying to affect how their divorce proceedings go. Instead, use neutral responses like ”I’m sorry you’re going through this.” Or ”that sounds like it would be really hard to deal with.” By staying neutral with your responses you can avoid seeming like you’re picking sides.

Staying neutral when friends divorce can often put you in a tricky position. But if you’re close with both parties, you’ll need to avoid giving advice or seeming like you’re picking sides. Set boundaries and expectations early on and let your friends know that it’s your goal to remain in both of their lives. Remember that you are a sounding board, and not a mediator or therapist. It’s not your job to try to fix their marital issues, and you’ll probably wind up regretting it if you try. Instead, try to keep your responses neutral and remember to take everything with a grain of salt. Hopefully, you can be a supportive friend without feeling the need to pick sides in their divorce.

Sleeping in Separate Rooms

Many couples find that sleeping in separate rooms, or “sleep divorce” is the secret to avoiding actual divorce. While some couples love being close together and snuggling all night, others struggle to find balance for their differing sleep habits. Not to mention the frustrations of dealing with a partner who snores or tosses in their sleep. There are many benefits to sleeping in different bedrooms that don’t spell the end of your marriage. It can strengthen it. You’ll both have more room, not to mention the ability to adjust your sleep settings. And you can sleep without interruptions from your partner. All of this can lead to an increase in intimacy. So before you judge a couple that sleeps in separate rooms, consider whether or not they’ve figured out the secret to a happier marriage.

Sleeping in Separate Rooms: The Secret to Marriage?

More Room

One of the many benefits of sleeping in separate rooms is that you each have more space to stretch out. While a king bed can feel quite large, when you split it between two people, each person gets roughly the same sleep area as a twin bed provides. If you are a sleeper that prefers to stretch out, sleeping alone will likely give you the best chance at a restful night.

Better Sleep

Another positive of sleeping in separate rooms is that you will be able to adjust things to your preference when it comes to rest. For example, you can keep the room as hot or cool as you like. And you can opt to have white noise or not. In addition, you can purchase a mattress that suits your body’s needs better. If you prefer a firm mattress, and your spouse needs a soft mattress, you can each get what you need to give yourself the best chance at sleep.

No Snoring

The most obvious positive of sleeping in separate rooms is the ability to avoid sleep interruptions from your spouse. The annoyance of struggling to sleep because of a partner’s snoring can end up affecting your overall relationship if it’s a regular occurrence. In addition, you no longer will have to fight for the blanket. Or deal with a partner that tosses and turns or talks in their sleep.

Intimacy

While there are many positives to sleeping in separate rooms, many couples fear that it will spell the end of their intimacy. However, it seems that the opposite might be true. Getting more rest can boost your libido and give you more energy for sex. In addition, you won’t be dealing with aggravations over snoring or cover-hogging night after night. Plus, it gives you a new setting for intimacy!

While some couples thrive on their snuggle time, others struggle to get restful sleep when sharing a bed. Sleeping in separate rooms might be the secret that can re-kindle some intimacy in your marriage. You’ll be able to stretch out more and create a sleeping environment that is perfect for your needs. And you won’t be woken up by snoring or kicking from your spouse. Getting plenty of rest, and avoiding these common marriage irritations can end up making you feel more romantic toward your partner. Who knew that having a “sleep divorce” could be the thing that makes your marriage even stronger?!

Re-Examining Child Support

Re-examining child support in North Carolina might seem easy at first glance, but it can be quite a complicated process. You have to file paperwork with the change and then have a judge sign off to adjust your payments. However, this is often easier said than done, so you’ll want to hire a family law attorney to help you. Child support is a part of your separation agreement, and you’ll need to show specific reasons for wanting to change it. There are some common reasons why parents might want to change their child support situation. However, often the parents cannot agree, so this is where the attorneys step in. Your lawyer will work on your behalf to get you the child support result that you want.

Re-Examining Child Support: Modifications

How Is Child Support Decided?

Child support is a part of your original separation agreement that you file when you are getting a divorce. When the court is calculating child support, they typically look at a few factors. For example, how many children you have, what the custody situation is, and the incomes of both parents. Then they’ll decide on a number that is fair for both parties.

Justification for Changes

Re-examining child support requires that one or more of the circumstances listed above significantly change. If your child support amount is part of your marital settlement agreement, the court can adjust it if it finds the amount is ”unreasonable.” However, if your child support is court-ordered, you’ll have to prove that there has been a substantial change in your circumstances.

Common Reasons for Changes

When re-examining child support, these ”substantial” changes might come from a few different scenarios. For example, if your child’s needs change and they require more money for medical care or school. Or if they begin receiving public assistance or the custody situation changes. If your income changes involuntarily, but your child’s monetary needs do not change, you might adjust child support. If you voluntarily reduce your income at the same time as your child’s needs also decreasing, it can also justify a support change.

Where to Start

There are many scenarios where re-examining child support might be necessary. However, it’s common for parents to disagree on the appropriate amount. Therefore, having an attorney by your side can be very helpful. They can help you prove that there’s a change in circumstances, help you justify the money you’re asking for, and help make sure that you win your case.

Re-examining child support is a simple matter of submitting a court order and having a judge sign off on it. However, in reality, getting both parties to agree to the change can be very difficult. And you must be able to prove that there is a reason for adjusting child support. There are several circumstances where this might come up, but often they involve big life changes like medical issues, relocation, or a change in jobs. No matter what, you’ll want to enlist the help of an experienced family law attorney. They can help you fight to have the child support changes that you deserve.