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Category: children

How-to Keep Conflict Concealed During During Divorce: Protecting your Kids from Conflict  

Arguably one of the most difficult things to do while parenting through divorce, is to keep your children from being exposed to your conflict. After all, no matter how you feel about one another— you are still parents to your children. So, how can you keep conflict concealed when you’re working through a divorce, and figuring out co-parenting? After all, you’re new at this too, and there are a lot of feelings you two are still working through. So, we’re here to help

How-to Keep Conflict Concealed During During Divorce: Protecting your Kids from Arguments

Obviously, the best thing you can do for your child is to keep them out of the middle. Discuss your issues with one another, keep the kids away from it, and if you need to have a serious discussion, or share choice words— do it in the right time and place. You don’t have to be friends, just successful co-parents. While this is inevitably easier said than done, it comes in practice. You won’t be perfect from the start, and no one expects you to be. 

You want your children to remain unbiased 

Keeping your child from having a bias towards one parent or the other means not talking down about one another in the presence of your child. If you two feel a certain way about one another, that’s perfectly fine. However, successful co-parenting means co-existing in the sense that you can hold it together as you go through the motions for your child. You don’t have to like each other, you just have to create the proper time and space to address those feelings. 

Put it in writing 

If you can address concerns and keep conflict concealed by writing, do it. Some couples might find that they’re able to best address their true feelings when they write them down. This is a great way to get a thought out in a non-hostile way. Not to mention, even if you don’t give the letters to your spouse, they can be therapeutic to get your feelings into writing.

Speak to each other constructively 

You have choice feelings about one another— what divorcee doesn’t? The key is to address those feelings in a respectful, constructive manner. Think of it this way: you’re a model for your children’s behavior. A great trait for every adult to have, is to express their concerns and opinion in a concise, and productive manner. Allow your children to see that, even in adverse conditions, you can perform with grace. By doing so, you address your feelings, and teach a life lesson at the same time. 

No one said you have it easy

Divorcing, especially when you have children, is hard work. Learning to co-exist for your children is also pretty difficult. But the thing to remember is that it’s not impossible. To keep conflict concealed is to do your children a favor. We wish you luck in this difficult time, and offer our condolences for your divorce. Furthermore, we extend our services if you may need them. 

Telling the Kids about New Partners: Breaking the news smoothly 

The time will likely come for every divorced or single parent when they must share the news of new partners with their children. You’ve finally found someone who makes you happy, and wants to bond with your family. While this is an exciting time, it can also be quite nerve-wracking as well. After all, you have to introduce the idea to your children, and then allow your partner to introduce themselves. So, it can take some preparation beforehand. That’s where we come in. Below, we’ve come up with a quick guide to breaking the news smoothly and getting to the part where everyone gets along. 

Telling the Kids about a New Partners: Breaking the news smoothly 

Before you ever introduce your children to your new partners, you need to introduce the idea to three different people: your children’s other parent, you partner, and then your children alone. You don’t want to spring this on any one of them. Doing so will only damage the possibilities of a successful meeting, So, before you even consider bringing the idea to your new partner or children, speak with your co-parent. 

Tell them that you’ve met someone, it’s serious, and you’re ready to bring them around your children. It’s important to understand that you need to clear this with them before making introductions. While this is your household, your relationship, and your children— they are also your co-parents’ children. So, be respectful— just as you want them to be towards you. 

Once you’ve cleared it with co-parent, speak with your new partner 

While you might think that your new partner should be ready to go on meeting your children, it’s important that you present the idea beforehand. you shouldn’t spring this on your partner, just like you shouldn’t with your children. This is a big step, and while you might feel ready— maybe they’re not. So, ask them. Don’t say ‘this is what I want’. Instead, explain that you care about them deeply, and want to make the next step and make them part of your family. 

After speaking with your new partner, and getting the go ahead— it’s time to move into step number three: telling your children. 

Now, every child is different. Therefore, every reaction will be different. However, how you present the idea is extremely important. You might be the first of their two parents to enter into a new relationship. In that instance, it might take some time for them to get used to. Speak their language. Make your children understand in their own unique way that you’ve found someone who makes you really happy and that, if they want, you’d love for them to meet him/her. Allowing your children to be in the driver’s seat in this scenario can make them feel more in control of a time that can be overwhelming to some. 

Understand that this situation might not go how you want it too 

The first step to bringing someone new into the equation, is accepting that it might not go as planned. Someone, somewhere, along the way could have an adverse reaction or decide that they aren’t ready. While this isn’t ideal, it’s part of the new stage you are entering. There will undoubtedly be growing pains and tough days. But, with the right person, it will all be worth it. 

Considering Adoption of Foster Children? Understand the Laws

When you foster a child, you often develop an emotional bond with them. Good foster parents are often hard to come by as a foster child. Therefore, when they find a place that is comfortable, nurturing, and familial— both the parents and the child will likely decide to make the arrangement more permanent. Considering adoption of your foster children is admirable, yet complex. When it comes to the laws involved, adoption of foster children can be quite difficult. One recent South Carolina case, SCDSS vs. Boulware, has become a turning point for laws considering the adoption of foster children.

Considering Adoption of Foster Children? Understand the Laws

The Facts of the Case

In this case, a minor was placed into emergency protective custody after police discovered the child was living with the parents outside a meth lab. They also found that the child was sunburned, had insect bites, severe diaper rash, and tested positive for meth, cocaine, and marijuana.

DSS immediately placed the child into a foster home with Edward and Tammy Dalsing. At first, the family court ordered for the child to return to the parents after they completed parenting and substance abuse classes. However, the court soon found that the parents weren’t attending these classes. Furthermore, they had been arrested on possession of meth.

Termination of Parental Rights

The court quite obviously terminated the parental rights (TPR) for the child’s biological parents. Then, DSS reached an agreement to place the child with an aunt and uncle while the parents finished their treatment plan. The Dalsings then filed for a private TPR and adoption action of the child.

The family court terminated the parental rights of the parents, but also dismissed the Dalsings’ adoption action. The court argued that they did not have standing to pursue a private adoption of a child in DSS custody. They granted custody to DSS. The court of appeals affirmed this decision and the case went to the SC Supreme Court.

The Case goes to Supreme Court

The SC Supreme Court stated that the Dalsings actually did have standing to pursue a private adoption action. They cited S.C. Code § 63-9-60(A)(1) which allows any SC resident to petition the court to adopt a child, but disallows it when DSS has already placed the child for adoption. The Dalsings argued that they were, in fact, participating in accordance with this law.

Their grounds were that DSS had yet to place the child up for adoption when the Dalsings filed their TPR petition. DSS argued that the word “placed” in the statute refers to when the child is first placed in DSS’s custody. However, the court stated that this term actually refers to the selection of the adoption family.

Thus, in accordance with the statute, DSS had not yet placed the child for adoption. The court reversed the decision and remanded it back to the family court.

Adopting your Foster Child

The SC Supreme Court’s decision in Boulware loosens the limitation set for foster parents seeking to adopt a child. Specifically, regarding the meaning of the word “placed” in the statute. Therefore, if you’re considering adoption of your foster child, it’s important to familiarize yourself with the laws as you pursue the action. The best way to do so, is to find a family attorney to aid you in understanding the laws, and taking the necessary steps. We wish you luck in this endeavor, and offer our support if you might need it. No child deserves to be left behind, especially by the actions of their parents. What you’re doing is a fantastic thing. While it may be difficult, nothing worth it is ever easy…

Family Affair: Do I Tell the Kids They Cheated? 

If you, or your spouse, are having an affair — it’s important to decide who knows what when you address the issue. Most importantly, what (if anything) do your kids know about their parents’ extra-marital relations. This is ultimately up to the parent who did not cheat. But, making the call either way has a few implications. There is no simple answer to the question, and the best route for your family might not be the best route for another. No matter how you go about it, it’s important to take time with the decision.

Family Affair: Do I Tell the Kids They Cheated?

Ultimately, this decision should be made by the two of you together. You need to weigh the pro’s and cons of doing such. Many parents decide to withhold this information from their kids, especially if they are younger (particularly the 1-12 range). But, others will decide that transparency is more important than putting their children through the emotional pain.

Consider if your kids will even understand

Before deciding if it’s right to involve your children in this aspect of your marriage, you have to decide if they will even understand what this means. Telling an 8 year old “Mom/Dad had an affair”, will hold little to no weight, and likely will not affect them— because they won’t understand. But, telling a 14 year old the same thing, will be earth-shattering. Think about it. Your kids idolize you, whether they admit it or not. Therefore, telling them that their idol has made a maritally-fatal mistake can have some serious implications.

Decide where you go from here before deciding who to tell

Your marriage is your business— the two of you, exclusively. It is up to you to decide what aspects of your marriage become public— even to your children. Therefore, it’s important that you make a decision about your marriage before you open it up to other people. If you and your spouse are going to stay together and work it out, telling your kids is probably not a great idea.

You are ultimately deciding what kind of relationship your child will have with their Mom/Dad

Having an affair is a highly selfish decision to make. However, you have to decide what community you want it to affect. Is this a decision that should directly affect you and your spouse? Or should it affect you, your spouse, your children, and other parts of the family? This is a personal decision, and one you will have to make for yourself. But, before you do— we urge you to take time with your choice. We wish you the best of luck in dealing with this uniquely difficult time.

Disciplining Through Divorce: Maintaining Boundaries in Tough Times 

One of the most difficult things to do when you’re going through divorce, is to continue disciplining your kids. You’re putting them through a tough time, and doing so can make it difficult for you to continue being the kind of parent you typically are. But, maintaining discipline is just as important as maintaining communication with your children during these tough times. While you might think that easing off is the best route to go, keeping as many things normal as possible— is actually your best bet.

Disciplining Through Divorce: Maintaining Boundaries in Tough Times

You might be wondering what the harm is in letting your foot off the gas as you navigate this familial changes. But actually, it can be quite damaging in the long run. Think about it, you’re getting ready to enter a new stage in parenting— and this is the beginning of it. During a divorce, kids often begin to test their boundaries. They are trying to navigate what’s changing, what this means for them, but also, what they can get away with now.

No matter the age range of your children, small rebellions will begin to ensue. This can be anything from throwing tantrums, refusing to eat, talk, or even sneaking out, and engaging in harmful behaviors. A divorce is a trying time for everyone involved. But this is why disciplining is so important for you.

You’re setting the groundwork for how you’ll parent from now on

Your kids are looking to you as a sign of what’s to come. This is why you want to start with the type of parenting you plan to continue on with. A divorce is not a break for your kids when it comes to parenting. And while you might be distracted, it’s important to maintain a structure you intend to keep.

While your kids might act out, and they should receive reprimand— allow them to express their feelings in a healthy way

It’s important that you remember this is difficult for them too. So, while certain behavior is not tolerable— this is a time when you should be able to speak freely as a family. Encourage them to open up, express their emotions— but do it in the right way. We wish you luck as you move forward with your separation.

Contemplating Divorce vs Toxic Marriage For Your Kids

Contemplating divorce is hard work— especially if you have children. You automatically feel like you might be letting them down, or breaking a promise to them in some sense. You had an image in mind when you thought of having kids; one big, happy family with two parents always in the picture. But, with time, the marriage became something different, and unhealthy. Many couples try to ‘stick it out for the kids’. But, there are instances where a divorce is healthier than a marriage… for you, and for your kids.

Contemplating Divorce: How Divorce can be Healthier than Marriage for your Kids

you might think that a divorce will automatically shatter your children’s hearts. And in some instances, it might be upsetting. However, ‘upsetting’ is much more productive than the potential harm of you staying in a marriage that is destructive to you, and also your children’s idea of love and a quality life.

Being a parent is about protecting your children, but that shouldn’t come at the cost of your own well-being

There are a few instances where divorce is the only option when it comes to protecting yourself and your children. I’m referencing abuse, addiction, putting the family at risk of danger… you can assume the situations. However, being in a relationship that is wrought with constant arguments, a lack of intimacy, disinterest in each other, or being hurtful to each other— is arguably just as damaging. You might think that you and your spouse do a good job of keeping these issues to yourselves. However, your kids are just as present in the home as you are. They can understand the dynamics, the hard feelings, and how Mom/Dad is hurting Dad/Mom.

You want your children to have a strong understanding of happy, healthful relationships

Think about what you want for your children in the future: happiness, security, health, and strong relationships, among other things. Now that you’ve reflected on this, consider where they model these ideals after. The answer, is you. Your children gain much of their understanding of relationships from their parents. Therefore, you want to create something worth modeling after. If you don’t have this with your spouse, and your contemplating divorce, it should be worth adding to the list of reasons why a divorce might be worthwhile. You want to be able to be a good parent to your children. That’s all any parent wants. This starts with being present, happy, and being a strong role model.

A divorce is never easy, but don’t use your children as a reason why not to go through with it

Ultimately, your children will be fine. Life is full of hardships, and while a divorce is tough for your kids— putting them through a tumultuous relationship is arguably even harder. So, if you’re contemplating divorce, consider how the current relationship is affecting your children. Do you fight a lot? Do you spend a lot of time apart? Are you good models of what a spouse should be? These are all great questions to ask yourself if the thought has crossed your mind. We wish you luck in contemplating, and potentially going through with, your divorce.

Gaining More Quality Time as a Non-Custodial Parent 

Being a non-custodial parent is tough, and you often feel shorted on quality time spent with your kids. You’ve probably spent quite a bit of time racking your brain for solutions to your lack of time problem. You miss them, they’re growing up, and you want to be a part of it all. Well, the good news is that you can! just because you aren’t the primary custody holder doesn’t mean that you have to be absent from day to day life, you just have to get a little bit crafty…

Gaining More Quality Time as a Non-Custodial Parent

Coach your kids sports team!

One of the best ways to get more involved, is by coaching your kids sports teams! You get extra time spent every week, you get to help them grow as a person and athlete, and teach them lessons your mother/father taught to you. being a coach is an awesome way to increase your quality time, because it adds to value to their character and will help you both feel closer to each other. Not to mention, if you ever struggle with finding something to talk about— you just gained a whole new topic.

Be a chaperone

if they have field trips, be a chaperone if you can! You get to have a special day with your kid, get out and do something without having to plan, and help out the school at the same time. It shows your kid, and theater parent, a want to be involved as well— which might help your case for more custody time as well. You have to check with the custodial parent, of course, but if they’re on board— go for it!

Go have lunch with them at school

Surprise your kid and go have lunch with them while they’re at school. Obviously, you notify both the other parent, and the teacher before making an appearance. But, this is one way to get a little bit of extra quality time out of your day. Make them a fun meal, bring takeout, or even eat cafeteria food with them… No matter how you go about it, this is a fun way to make the most of a little bit of time spent with your kid.

Offer to be the ‘babysitter’

Let your co-parent know that when it comes to hiring a babysitter… don’t! You can easily take the reigns for an evening, and plus— you’re free. Being the ‘babysitter’ is a great way to help out the other parent, and also get some extra time during the week with your little one.

Ultimately, you have to find your own ways to be there

Every parenting situation and child is different. So, take these suggestions, but also customize them to fit your kid and situation. Quality time can be spent in plenty of ways, so don’t limit yourself! Get creative, have fun with it, but ultimately, just be there for your kid. We wish you luck in getting more quality time with your little babes. They’re sure to appreciate it!

Same-Sex Marriage: Tips for New Parents 

Being in a same-sex marriage comes with it’s own set of challenges. One of which is having children. For some, it can take years to figure out a plan. Surrogate, insemination, adoption… there are tons of options, but all take time. So, when you finally do have a child— it can be easy to overcompensate. Parenting is difficult all around, and heterosexual couples are just as susceptible to this as their counterparts. But, when you face as many obstacles as a same-sex couple might— parenting has a whole other element to it.

Same-Sex Marriage: Tips for New Parents

One of the biggest things we want to focus on here is overcompensating. It’s easy to do in any parenting situation. But, as a same-sex couple, you’ve faced a lot of unique obstacles together, especially when it comes to conceiving a child. So when they finally come, it can be easy to try and ‘give them the world’. Your child is a miracle, no doubt. But love and affection is enough for your child. Every child has to learn how to cope with ‘no’ and consequences. Just because your child is a blessing, doesn’t mean they should have anything and everything at their fingertips.

Allow your child to make their own decision on how much they divulge at school

You’re proud of who you are, and you should teach your child to be proud of who they are too. However, allow them to explore how and what they share at school on their own. Your family is perfect, and unique— but give them time to find this and share it on their own. Times are changing in a positive way, thank goodness, but kids are still mean sometimes— let’s face it. Therefore, it’s important to allow your child to share at a comfortable pace for themselves. You’ve created good people, and you must hope that others have done the same. So, have faith in your child to be proud of their family and of you— in their time.

Surround yourself and your family with a diverse friend group

One of the problems that many children of same-sex marriage might have is thinking that they’re different from other families when, in all reality, they are just the same! Every family is diverse or blended in some form or fashion, so surround your children with that! Having a friend group that is diverse will show them what a family really is. It’s a mix of family, friends, and all kinds of people.

Be yourselves; be affectionate, be proud, and embrace everyone

You’re a ‘normal’ family because you’re a family. Don’t feel as if you have to be different, or feel pressure to be better because your child has two moms or two dads. Many same-sex parents feel like they have to be or do more because their child’s parental situation is non-traditional. But, as we’ve said, times are changing and you don’t have to be anything more than a good parent to your children.

So, be you!! Be a good parent, a friend, an active member of the community, and a loving spouse. Don’t get caught up on the fact that you’re ‘different’ because you’re not, you just have your own, unique, beautiful family. Enjoy this journey; watching your child grow is such a rewarding experience and we wish you the best of luck in crafting your experience!

‘Pit the Parents’ Game: How Children of Divorce Play Both Sides 

Divorce can be tough on your kids. Everything is changing, and the adjustment can be trying for children. Therefore, they might begin to test their boundaries. One way they might do this is by attempting to play that pit the parents game. There’s no exact name for what they’re doing, but it’s typically pretty characteristic of any kid. Most kids ‘play their parents’, so to speak. But, children of divorce typically get away with it a bit better….

‘Pit the Parents’ Game: How Children of Divorce Play Both Sides
What is this ‘pit the parents game’?

By ‘pit the parents’ we mean playing both sides, ultimately. As we’ve mentioned, all children do it to some extent. They ask Mom for something, she says no— so we go to Dad. It’s not typically effective and typically ends with said child in time out or grounded. But, it works a little bit different for children of a divorce— especially a new one. Communication is low for the two of you parents, and often, you’re a bit quicker to give your child what they want. Especially if Dad won’t and you’re feeling a little upset with Dad. But, your child could be playing that ‘pit the parents’ game on you both.

What are some things to look out for?

The infamous “Well, Mom/Dad let’s me do…”

If you’ve told you kid no and they pull this card, it should be a red light that your kid is playing you. Many parents, especially early divorce parents, will fall for this one. For many parents, when you’re going through a divorce, you can feel as if you’re competing for the child’s affection, their interest, and to be the most lovable parent. We’re here to tell you to get over that— divorce doesn’t make you a bad parent.

“I like it better at Mom/Dad’s house” 

Your kid could use this in any number of ways. But, it’s important to understand that they’re testing their limits right now. They’re seeing how much you’ll give, and it can set you up for some pretty bad behavior in the future. Your child is just acting out. With time, and not giving in, the behavior will easily fade.

“But, Mom/Dad told me I could…” 

If your kid wants to do something, get something, or be part of something, and you say no— this is an easy one to fall back on. While the kid is doing this because they want what they want, it can make a parent feel pretty out of the loop. This is why communication with your ex, even though it can be tough— is so essential when you have children.

These little instances of our so-called pit the parents game are just scratching the surface. So, keep your eyes peeled, don’t let it get you down, and be the awesome parent that you already are!

How Grandparents Help Children Cope with Divorce

If you are going through a divorce, you’re likely wondering what you can do to help your children cope. They’re stuck somewhere in the middle, and likely have a lot of questions about where we go from here. You might not have all the answers, and that’s okay. But, I’m here to tell you that among many other instances— grandparents are a great help here. We often see our parents, and grandparents, through rose-colored glasses. Because of this, they can be a great help for our children when we’re facing a divorce.

How Grandparents Help Children Cope with Divorce

First things first, we often think of our grandparents as being pretty wise. They’ve been around for a while, raised children, grandchildren, and been the backbone of the family. So, if you’re having trouble helping your kids, send them to the people who know your family— and family in general, best. They can often make sense of the situations we can’t yet.

They’re an outside source

They’re close to you, and to the situation, but they have an outside perspective on something that is highly personal. So, their objectivity can be quite useful for the children. They have someone to confide in, and to help guide them through what they’re feeling because they’re their grandparents…

It gives your children assurance

Your kids are likely starting to question everything. Did you two ever love each other? Are you going to stop loving me? Is a happy marriage possible? Does everyone eventually divorce?… the questions have great range. Not to mention, they can be quite difficult to answer as parents because as of right now… you don’t know the answer to most of them. You’re in the thick of it, you’re hurting, and you need a bit of time to process. Having a set of grandparents that can show your kids a unified front, assure them that love isn’t gone forever, and that life moves on— is pretty beneficial to helping your children cope and understand that marriage is different for everyone.

They’re a great escape for you, and your kids

We send the kids to grandma and grandpa’s house for plenty of reasons. Whether they want to go or you just need a night to yourselves— their house has always been an escape. So, this is a great time to use that. It allows you and your to-be ex some time to sort through the tough stuff on your own, and to allow your children to get their mind off of everything.

While grandparents can be there to help your children cope with what’s happening, they can also be there to help your kids forget for a little while… We wish you luck in conquering the tough stuff, and becoming a better person and parent for it.