Category: post-divorce

Divvying Up Holidays with Shared Custody

Divvying up holidays with shared custody can be a source of a lot of frustration for many couples. However, as long as you begin planning things ahead of time, you can find a way to split things up so that it feels fair to everyone. Some couples choose to split the actual day of holidays while others choose to alternate different years with their children. And yet others decide to simply double up and celebrate with their kids whenever it’s convenient. The important thing is finding a solution that works for your family. Hopefully, you can all work together to make this holiday season the most memorable one yet.

Divvying Up Holidays with Shared Custody: Splitting Things Fairly

The Importance of Planning In Advance

Planning is the best way to begin divvying up holidays with shared custody. Don’t try to tackle this difficult negotiation when you’re already in the middle of a fight, or right before the holiday season. Instead, begin discussing things when you both are in a calm place. If certain holidays are important to your ex that you don’t care about and vice versa, make plans accordingly.

Sharing the Actual Day

When divvying up holidays with shared custody, some find it easiest to simply switch back and forth on the actual day of the holiday. For example, children might have a late Thanksgiving brunch at one house and then go to their other parents for Thanksgiving dinner. This is a solution that works well if you live close to each other.

Alternating Years

Other couples choose to alternate years when divvying up holidays with shared custody. This means that if you both want to spend Christmas with your children, that one year one parent gets to, and the next year you switch. If several holidays are important to both of you, you can split them evenly and then reverse them the next year.

Celebrating On Your Own Time

Finally, if you don’t want to worry about divvying up holidays with shared custody, you can always just celebrate on your own time. Children often don’t care about the calendar date that a holiday falls on. They’re more interested in traditions. So just move your holidays around so that they fit your schedule. For example, if you get your kids back on February 15 you can always still celebrate Valentine’s Day then.

Divvying up holidays with shared custody can create some frustration, but it doesn’t have to. Try to remember that holiday traditions are just as important to your ex as they are to you. You each want to spend special time with your children, so try to keep that in mind when discussing your plans. Figuring things out well in advance can save a lot of headaches and heartaches later on. Consider swapping custody on the day of the holiday so that kids get to spend part of the actual day with both of you. Or alternate years where you switch which parent gets the kids for bigger holidays. Or you might simply double up and let your children celebrate with both of you on your terms. The actual date of a holiday isn’t important, it’s the memories that your children will cherish.

Divorce Conflict & Cause

Ideally, divorcing will be a smooth and peaceful process for both you and your ex. However, there are instances where divorce conflict can arise. By understanding what can cause this conflict, you’ll be able to better avoid it and calm things down in the future…

Divorce Conflict: Main Motivators

Unwilling to compromise

One of the biggest reasons for divorce conflict is an unwillingness to compromise. Nothing can be more frustrating than when one spouse isn’t willing to work together with the other. Showing a willingness to compromise means you’re willing to give up some of your wants in order to reach an agreement. If someone remains stubborn and refuses to do so, that’ll draw things out even further.

Of course, there are some things you or your ex may not want to compromise on. Still, there are probably some things you can meet in the middle for. Therefore, if your ex is willing to propose a compromise, give an effort to hear them out. It’s possible you can find some middle ground or agree on a separate compromise to get what you really want.

Poor communication

Issues with communication also tend to cause divorce conflict. Things tend to progress a lot more smoothly when you and your ex can talk to each other. That way, you both know exactly what the other person wants. However, if you end up fighting every time you meet, then this will just lead to more conflict and prevent any progress.

As a result, you should make improving communication a priority. Keep your conversations focused on what needs to be discussed and away from anything else which could cause tensions. Be sure to also remain respectful when talking to one another. If extra help is needed, it may be useful to consider using a mediator.

Trying to “win”

There’s a bit of a misconception that divorce is something you can “win.” Of course, you want to make sure you get a good and fair result. At the same time, you also don’t want to be very aggressive against your ex. Doing so can make them try and do the same and make your divorce conflict quite severe.

That’s why you should focus more on getting the result you’re happy with than trying to “punish” your ex. This will help your ex not feel like they’re on the defensive the entire time. Instead, it’ll encourage you both to work together.

How-to Get Your Finances in Order After a Divorce

Divorces can do a number on your finances. They can make you go from a dual-income to a single-income, change your tax and insurance situation or even add on unexpected debt and expenses. You may have to create new financial goals or even rebuild your credit. On top of that, you will have to be doing this all while juggling putting the pieces of your life back together. The key here is to be proactive and start working on getting your finances in order after a divorce as soon as you can.

How-to Get Your Finances in Order After a Divorce: Steps to Take

Budget

The first step to take to get your finances in order after a divorce is to evaluate your budget. The divorce could have resulted in a change in your household income, or you may have different expenses now. Whatever the current situation is, it will be helpful to look over your budget. If you do not have a budget already put together, now is a great time to create one. You need to be honest with yourself and build a budget that fits with your current circumstances. If your finances have changed but you continue to live your previous lifestyle, you will be headed towards financial trouble. You may have to end up needing to downsize your house or get a cheaper vehicle. Also, you may have to make other changes to your habits in order to set yourself up for financial success.

Credit

You will also want to work on building credit if you do not have a good credit score or your own credit history. If you did not have credit cards or a loan in your own name while you were married, start working on building your credit history ASAP. To qualify for a loan or rent a place to live, you will need to have a good credit score.

Keep in mind that you will often need credit to get credit. If you are unable to get a qualify for a traditional credit card on your own, there’ another option. Instead, you can apply for a secured credit card. These require you to deposit money that’s equal to your line of credit. Use this card to make small purchases and pay off the card on time each month. This will allow you build a good payment history and help your credit score. Be sure to remove your ex from any shared credit cards. Also, refinance your house so that only the person who is responsible for the payments is on the loan. This will prevent your ex from forgetting to make a payment or going into credit card debt and hurting your credit score.

By taking a few small steps, you can proactively get your finances in order after a divorce. Bt making an honest budget and sticking to it, plus building a strong credit history, you will be on the right track.

Children’s Hobbies Post-Divorce

Your divorce can be pretty rough on both you and the kids. For them, this can be a time where they feel a wide range of emotions which can impact their lives. Therefore, it’s good to encourage them to get into some children’s hobbies post-divorce. Doing so can help them in a few ways…

 Children’s Hobbies Post-Divorce: How They Help

Relieve some stress

One benefit of children’s hobbies post-divorce is how they help your kids relax. Odds are your divorce cause you a lot of stress throughout the process. However, it also probably placed a lot of stress onto your kids as well.

This stress can get worse for them as they try and adjust to the new way things are after the divorce. Unlike adults, children tend to struggle with managing this stress and this can cause them to act out in response. Having a hobby that they can get into and enjoy is a good way for them to relax and start to feel better again.

Make new friends

Another benefit of children’s hobbies post-divorce is the way they can encourage your kids to make new friends. Aside from stress, you kids can begin to feel sad and withdrawn as well. They’ll spend a lot of time alone in their rooms, not talking to others, and may even stop doing things such as their schoolwork.

A hobby can help your kids get back to being social and making new friends. Having a shared interest is one of the fastest and easiest ways for people of all ages to find friends. Once they start feeling more comfortable and happier with their friends, their mood around the house will also begin to improve.

Improve your connection

Children’s hobbies post-divorce can also be a way for you to improve your bond. A divorce tends to make kids question if things were somehow their fault. Spending time together via a hobby is a great way to show them that you still love them and that they didn’t do anything wrong.

For example, sports programs tend to be popular with kids and parents alike. Your kids get to play a sport they enjoy and make friends with their teammates, while you get to support and cheer for them at games. These are all great things for a child to have after having their parents divorce.

Creative Bonding: Child Connections

Sometimes, divorce can cause your kids to become somewhat distant and withdrawn. When this happens, you might want to try some creative bonding exercises. These unique methods can help you start to re-connect with your kids…

Creative Bonding: Child Connections

Drawing & painting

Drawing and painting are both very good creative bonding techniques to use. These are some of the basics when it comes to looking for something creative to do with your kids. Plus, it’s something those especially young kids can do and still enjoy, making it very versatile.

Remember, thought, that you still want to make it fun and engaging for them. A good way to do this is by giving it structure. Try to pick some kind of theme or topic that the works will center around. Be sure to join in the process as well! You kids will love to have you a part of the process.

Spend some time outside

Technology certainly is popular these days, especially among those who are younger. However, it can also cause them to be more withdrawn. Sometimes, it can be useful to have them (and you) take a break from technology and do some creative bonding together outside.

Now, you don’t have to pull of some grand camping trip somewhere. After all, you want to make sure that your kids will enjoy the things you do. Try to start off smaller instead, by say going outside in the yard or to a nearby park. There’s a wide variety of outdoor games and activities you and your kids can do together.

Get into their interests

You surely have your fair share of hobbies or interests, and your kids certainly do as well. Therefore, what better way to get some creative bonding done than by talking to them about these interests? Kids tend to like it when their parents show some real, genuine interest into their hobbies and such.

It helps to do some research beforehand on what exactly your kids are into. That way, it shows them you’re serious about getting to know what they like. Doing so will make them much more likely to open up and get you involved in these interests.

Post-Divorce Writing: Expressing Yourself

Feelings of depression are pretty common after a divorce. Shaking those negative feelings can be pretty hard. However, one thing which you might find helpful is doing some post-divorce writing. Taking some time to write can help you feel better in a few different ways…

Post-Divorce Writing

Get your feelings out

One thing post-divorce writing helps with is getting your feelings out. Aside from feelings of depression, you may also feel pretty upset, angry, or anxious. Bottling up those feelings can end up making them worse over time, before they eventually reach a breaking point. Therefore, it’s useful to have an outlet.

Writing will allow for you to have a way to get those emotions out of your body and onto paper. It might seem simple, but it actually can help quite a bit. As you continue to write, you’ll start to feel better and think clearer, and can start to work on healing.

Track your progress

Another useful thing about post-divorce writing is how you can use it to track your progress. Sometimes, people will think that they aren’t making any progress moving forwards after their divorce. This can keep them stuck in a bit of a rut, which creates a self-fulfilling cycle.

However, if you keep a journal or diary, then you’ll have some physical proof of the progress you’re making. As you fill it out, you can easily go back and see where you started and how far you’ve come. This can help give you the motivation you might need to continue making your progress.

Express your creativity

Post-divorce writing also gives you a way to express your more creative side. Many people like to try and get into new hobbies after their divorce, and the arts are definitely one of them. Writing in particular can be a type of activity you might find yourself interested in.

For instance, maybe you try to write some poetry. Or, perhaps you try writing some kind of short stories. Don’t worry about them being something others have to read. As long as you enjoy writing them, then that’s all that matters.

Co-Parenting Goals: Find Success

It can be a bit difficult to start co-parenting. To help you and your ex going in the right direction, it can be a good idea to set some co-parenting goals. These goals can help ensure your efforts result in success…

Co-Parenting Goals

Help the kids feel secure

Divorce usually causes your kids to feel a lot of uncertainty about the future. While you yourself might have a lot of questions about what’s next, your kids also will feel the same. Mainly, they might be worried about where they’ll live, or if the divorce itself was somehow their fault.

Therefore, it helps to set making the kids feel secure as one of your co-parenting goals. Having a good, consistent schedule can help them adjust to this new “normal” and feel more relaxed. Spending plenty of time with them also helps reinforce to them that you or your ex aren’t going anywhere.

Create a budget

Divorce also brings changes to one’s budget. As a co-parent, you’ll not only need to plan a budget for yourself, but also one for your kids with your co-parent. Usually, this budget involves things like major expenses, such as tuition or medical bills. That’s why this shared budget is another of the co-parenting goals to work towards.

One useful way to do this is by first meeting with your ex and going over your individual budgets. Then, you can look at what major kid-related costs you might have. By doing so, you can work on adjusting your budgets to meet your kids’ needs.

Better communication

Not all ex-couples will want to talk all the time after divorcing. Still, co-parenting will require some kind of communication between the two of you. After all, you’ll have to coordinate things like dropping or picking up the kids. Due to this, improving communication is one of the most common co-parenting goals.

A good way to do this is by keeping your conversations positive. Focus on the good things, like if the kids got good grades on a test, over negative topics. It’s also good to help keep them in the loop about any changes to your schedule which could impact your usual co-parenting plans.

Initial Months Post-Divorce: Making Changes

Those initial months post-divorce can be some of the hardest to adjust to. Going from being married to being single again isn’t always an easy task. However, there are some things you can do to make the process easier on yourself…

Initial Months Post-Divorce: How To Adapt

Stay occupied

You’ll probably notice that you have a lot of free time during those initial months post-divorce. For some, this can be a negative, as they spend this time thinking negatively about what’s happened. Rather than do other things, they’ll end up stuck in a rut feeling pretty low. One helpful way to avoid this is by keeping yourself busy.

Staying busy will help keep your mind off of the divorce. While it’s good to have days where you take some time and reflect, you don’t want everyday to be like there. Therefore, try to look for some new hobbies or activities which can keep you occupied. Plus, you’ll find that having something fun to do will encourage more positive thinking.

Have good support

It’s also good to not try and push through those initial months post-divorce on your own. After all, you probably had some help making it through your divorce. Therefore, don’t forget to keep that support going even after it’s over. Having that extra help can really help you feel better and more optimistic for the future.

Your friends and family will be an excellent source of support. They know who you are, and you know that you can trust them to look out for you. Still, if you’d like some specialized support, try meeting with a counselor or a divorce support group as well.

 Take things slowly

In the initial months post-divorce, you’ll probably have plenty of people offering their advice as to what you should do. While they may have good intentions, they won’t fully understand how you feel. As a result, you should take things slowly and do what’s best for you.

For instance, maybe some people will ask if you’ve thought about dating again. Of course, that’s not something they need to worry about. Rather, that’s something you should only do when you feel comfortable. Having that kind of mindset can help you avoid feeling “pressured” by what other people say.

Breaking Bad Habits After Divorce


Divorce is one of the most stressful things that a person can go through, and forming bad habits after divorce is very common. When we are stressed out, it’s easy to start relying on things like comfort food and alcohol. However, now that your divorce is final, it’s a great time to begin a fresh start. Try to put a positive spin on your divorce, and stop complaining to others. Eating healthier foods can make your body feel great. So can cutting out alcohol! And finally, when going through a divorce, it’s easy to put other things before yourself. For example, your children and their needs. However, now that things are settling back down, it’s time to focus on some self-love. Make yourself and your happiness a priority and start forming healthy habits that will make you feel great in this new stage of your life.

Breaking Bad Habits After Divorce: Getting Your Life Back on Track

The Complaining Habit

One of the bad habits after divorce that many people develop is complaining habit. It’s easy to let your divorce troubles be the main topic of conversation with friends and family. Especially if it’s a contentious one. However, now that your divorce is final, it’s time to begin to let go of your bitterness. Holding onto anger will only alienate people and hurt future relationships.

The Over-Eating Habit

Another common bad habit after divorce is over-eating. Many of us deal with stress by indulging in comfort foods. And unfortunately, these are often high in fat and calories. If you are an emotional eater, you might also have started to increase your portion sizes. Try to begin working more healthy foods into your diet. Aim to fill your plate half with veggies and fruit, a quarter with whole grains, and a quarter with healthy proteins like chicken and fish. Be mindful while eating so that you don’t continue to eat after your body tells you you’re full.

The Drinking Habit

When dealing with lots of stress, many people turn to alcohol. And this is one of the bad habits after divorce that can be difficult to break. However, drinking too much can lead to a lot of negative effects on your body, and also the rest of your life. If you feel like you are going to have trouble cutting back or getting sober, look into support groups. Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step programs are helpful for many people.

The Putting-Everybody-Else-First Habit

Finally, one more of the bad habits after divorce that many people resort to is putting themselves last. The stress of divorce can put self-care on the back burner. In addition, if you have children, you likely have been very focused on easing their transition through the divorce. However, now it’s time to get back to some self-care. Try to make time for yourself each day to de-stress and do something that makes you feel happy. In addition, speaking to a therapist or close friend can do wonders for your mental health. Exercise is also a great stress-reliever with many health benefits.

There are many bad habits after divorce that are easy to fall into. When you’re dealing with that much stress, it can be difficult not to relieve it in any way you can. However, now that your divorce is final, it’s a great time to start to try to break those bad habits. Begin by trying to let go of any bitterness and anger that you have about the divorce. Next, focus on eating healthy and cutting out alcohol to make your body feel much stronger and healthier. Finally, start making some time for yourself. Your mental health might have taken a hit over the last few months, so it’s time for some self-care. Hopefully, you can begin to break some of these bad habits so that you can start fresh in this new exciting chapter of your life.

Running into Your Ex at Social Events

Running into your ex at social events can be incredibly awkward, but it’s important to know how to handle these situations. It’s likely that at some point you will come across your ex-spouse at a mutual friend’s wedding or another event. In this situation, you don’t want to end up letting your drama with your ex take priority. Try to keep things short with them and don’t engage in too much conversation. Avoid heavy drinking as alcohol can often make the situation much worse. Don’t allow drama and try not to let your interaction become a focus for everybody. And finally, if you feel like you aren’t ready to be around your ex, just make a polite excuse and leave. Hopefully, you and your ex will be able to keep things civil so that you can both enjoy social events with mutual friends.

Running into Your Ex at Social Events: Avoid a Scene

Keep it Short

Running into your ex at social events can be awkward but the best thing is to just keep your interaction short. Don’t avoid them or you’ll wind up bringing more attention to your situation. Instead, acknowledge them or say hello but try not to engage in conversation. You don’t want to let things get out of hand and air your dirty laundry for other guests to hear.

Avoid Alcohol

Alcohol can make any situation more dramatic, so running into your ex at social events is not a time to drink heavily. Even if you normally feel like you are in control of your emotions around your ex, alcohol can inhibit you more than usual. Therefore, if you see your ex, make sure to keep the drinking to a minimum so you don’t elevate the problem.

Don’t Allow Drama

Running into your ex can be awkward for you both, but it can also sometimes be awkward for other guests. Especially if they know that tensions are high. However, don’t allow your interactions to become the focus of attention. Instead, acknowledge each other and act maturely by keeping things civil. Don’t air your dirty laundry for others to hear. A social event with a crowd is not the place to rehash old arguments, so just keep it brief with your ex.

Leave

Finally, if running into your ex is too difficult for you to bear, then it’s perfectly fine to leave. Your host will understand if it’s painful for you to be around your ex-spouse. Especially if the divorce is still fresh or if it was very bitter. They would probably rather you make a quick exit than stay and allow the event to turn into a showdown between you and your ex. Prioritize your mental health and make a quick getaway if you need to.

Running into your ex at a wedding or social event can be jolting, especially if you weren’t expecting to see them. Take a moment to find a calm mental space and say a quick but polite hello. Try to keep things brief with them so that you don’t begin rehashing old arguments in front of others. Avoid drinking alcohol can escalate the situation. Keep the focus on the social event instead of the drama of running into your ex. And finally, if you feel like you aren’t ready to be around your ex-spouse, then it’s fine to leave. It’s okay to prioritize your mental wellness over a social event. Hopefully, someday soon you and your ex will get a place where you can be around each other and enjoy social events with mutual friends.