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Mental Health During Divorce

Your mental well-being is important for a good post-divorce life. However, you also need to pay attention to your mental health during divorce as well. Getting yourself in a good place mentally will make it easier both to handle the divorce process, and move forward in the right direction…

Mental Health During Divorce

Stages of grief

The grieving process is important for your mental health during divorce. It’s important to allow yourself to grieve about the end of your marriage. Due to the loss you’ll experience, you’ll want to make sure you allow yourself to go through all the stages of grief, to better your recovery.

There’s five general stages of grief. First is denial, which tends to occur early in a divorce. Then, there’s the questioning stage and depression stage, which involves questioning what went wrong, and feeling sad over what’s happened, respectively. Finally, there’s the evaluation stage, which gives way to the acceptance stage, where you can finally begin to move on.

Maintain a positive attitude

It might seem hard to be positive while divorcing your partner. However, it’s actually pretty important for your mental health during divorce. Basically, if you surround yourself with positive things, you’ll begin to feel more positive yourself.

You probably know that when people are sad, they tend to engage with sad or depressing things. They might only listen to sad music, or watch sad movies. As a result, they end up just feeling sad all of the time. However, listening to happy music and watching uplifting movies can help give you some much-needed positivity.

Work on your physical health

Your physical health and mental health during divorce go hand-in-hand. When people feel good physically, they also feel much better mentally. This can be a challenge when getting a divorce, as the process might take up a lot of your time. Still, you don’t need to go crazy to improve your physical health.

For example, you can start to eat a bit healthier than you usually do. Plus, maybe you include some basic physical activity, like a walk, into your weekly routine. Simple things like these can help improve your physical health, and in turn, make you feel better mentally.

Divorce Lessons: What You Can Learn

Your divorce is going to be a big life change. Like with any major change, it’s going to come with its fair share of lessons. These divorce lessons can teach you some pretty valuable things. In fact, there’s a few things in particular which you may want to take note of…

Divorce Lessons: What You Can Learn

It’s ok to not be “ok”

A lot of people try to repress the more-negative feelings that divorce brings. In their mind, they think that feeling bad isn’t “right” for some reason. However, one of the important divorce lessons to learn is that it’s just fine to feel upset, angry, or disappointed. Indeed, it’s actually an important part of your eventual recovery.

No one is ever going to feel “perfect” 100% of the time, especially after a divorce. Therefore, don’t be afraid of those stronger emotions you’re feeling. Once you accept how you feel, you can start to process those emotions and begin to shift towards positive ones. In a way, it’s like you’re building up a tolerance to negative feelings for the future.

Change Is Natural

Another one of the important lessons is about accepting change. Change is a natural part of life. In a way, divorce is just another kind of change, even if you might not be all that excited for it. That means you shouldn’t see your divorce as some sort of permanent failure.

Rather, your divorce is just one small change in the grand scheme of things. The world isn’t over just because your marriage is. Ultimately, it’s not worth it to spend too much time stuck on what you lost. Instead, try to be optimistic about the new, positive changes you can start to make yourself

Perspective is key

One of the most important divorce lessons is about perspective. How we view things influences how we feel and what we think. That means if you view your divorce in nothing but a negative way, then you’re going to feel and think negatively for the foreseeable future.

Instead of getting caught in that rut, try to look at things more positively. Think about how you won’t have to deal with your ex doing or saying things which hurt you. Also keep in mind the new sense of control you now have over your life. Changing your perspective can really help you process your divorce.

Divorce Privacy: Protecting Yours

Divorce is something which is very personal. As a result, you may want to preserve your divorce privacy as best as you can. After all, gossip in the workplace or around others can be hard to deal with. There’s a few things you can try to help preserve your privacy…

Divorce Privacy: Protecting Yours

Watch what you share

One good way to protect your divorce privacy is to limit what you post on social media. These days, we’re pretty used to posting whatever and whenever on our accounts. However, during a divorce, that can be a bit of a bad idea for a couple reasons.

For starters, things that you share could come back to hurt you during the divorce, especially if they’re negative and about your ex. Plus, it also can cause others to try and pry into your personal life. It’s a better idea to try and give social media a break during this time.

Talk to those you trust

Another way to protect your divorce privacy is by watching what you say to others. Your friends and family are going to be an important part of your support system. Still, some people might be a bit more loose with information than others. That means they could end up sharing things you tell them with others who you don’t want to talk to.

For those more-important details, try to only talk to those you know you can trust. These are the people who understand you don’t want others to know about your divorce or how it’s going. That way, you cut down on potential gossip spreading around.

Change your passwords

It’s also a good idea to change your passwords as part of protecting your divorce privacy. Many couples will share accounts with each others, or give each other passwords for their own accounts. While this might’ve been fine before, now it can potentially compromise your privacy.

Therefore, try and go through your accounts and change up your passwords. Give priority to those very-important accounts, like bank accounts. The last thing you want is a vindictive ex getting access and giving you a headache.

How-to: Bring Up Divorce with Your Spouse

If you’ve tried everything and your marriage just isn’t working, you might be considering divorce. This is an impossible decision to make, but sometimes it’s the right thing for a couple. If you’re trying to bring up divorce with your spouse, prepare ahead of time. Choose the right time and setting to have a calm discussion. Be firm with your wants and needs. And finally, don’t discuss details, but instead, make a plan to get professional help. Although the process of divorce is difficult, it might mean that you and your ex are happier in the long run.

How-to: Bring up Divorce with Your Spouse: Set the Right Tone

Prepare Ahead of Time

If you want to bring up a divorce with your spouse, prepare ahead of time. Research the process of divorce in your area so you know what to expect. In some places, you’ll need to separate for a while before the divorce. Figure out how long the divorce can take, and make a plan for what you’d like to get out of it. If you have children, consider how you want their lives to look post-divorce. Try and pinpoint where your partner stands in your relationship. Do they think things are going well and will be blindsided by the conversation? Or are you both on the same page? Try to mentally prepare for their reaction.

Choose the Right Time and Place

Never bring up divorce with your spouse in the middle of an argument. Instead, pick a time when you’ll both be uninterrupted. Arrange for children to be with somebody else so they won’t be a distraction. Avoid bringing up divorce in already overly stressful situations. For example, after the death of a family member or a layoff. Make sure that you have plenty of time set aside. Your conversation could take hours, so make sure you can devote the proper focus to it.

Be Calm and Firm

When you bring up a divorce with your spouse, try to stay calm. If you approach them in anger, they’ll be more likely to respond in a negative way. However, if you bring it up in a calm manner, you will probably get further. Be firm with what you want out of the divorce and why you’re asking for it. That way they’ll know that you’re serious and not just bringing it up because you’re temporarily hurt or angry.

Don’t Discuss Details

There will be a myriad of details to sort out after you bring up a divorce with your spouse. However, try not to discuss minor decisions at this time. Don’t discuss dividing up property or belongings. And try not to discuss custody arrangements. You should have a professional assisting you with these discussions. Instead, decide on how to proceed in general terms. Figure out when you’ll reach out to a divorce attorney. Also, figure out what you’d like your timeline to be.

There are so many things to consider when trying to bring up a divorce with your spouse. Try and set the stage for a positive discussion by preparing ahead of time. Make sure you choose the right time and place and stay calm and firm so they know you’re serious. Finally, wait to figure out the details until you have proper help from a professional. Unfortunately, no matter how hard you might wish a marriage could work out, sometimes it just isn’t right. But moving forward with divorce means that you’re one step closer to being happier.

Healing After Abuse: Emotional or Physical

Healing after abuse, whether emotional or physical can be a long and difficult process. The most important step is recognizing abusive behavior in a relationship. It can be hard to recognize the damage that this type of trauma can cause. You’ll need to change negative thought patterns to more affirming ones. Making time for self-care is very important for healing. And finally, seeking help from a professional can be very helpful. Abuse can have many lingering effects, but healing from it can help you move on with your life and get to a place where you are much happier.

Healing After Abuse: Emotional or Physical

Recognize the Effects

Healing after abuse starts with realizing what some of the effects of abuse actually are. Physical abuse is often easier to recognize because it can leave bruises or scars. Often, time and medical care are what’s needed to heal physically. But emotional abuse damage can be harder to spot. It often can show up as anxiety, depression, and trouble sleeping. It can also lead to things like heavy drinking, drug abuse, or eating disorders. One final negative effect of emotional or physical abuse is feelings of low esteem or shame. Recognizing these symptoms of abuse can help you find ways to heal.

Change Negative Thoughts

One important aspect of healing after abuse is changing your mindset from a negative one to a more positive one. Often emotional abuse can leave victims with a lot of self-doubts. Your inner voice can become harsh and negative. Try and change this by actively giving yourself a positive affirmation. For example, you could say out loud “I am worthy” or “I love myself” repeatedly throughout the day. Or write it somewhere where you’ll see it as a bathroom mirror. Trying to change the negative attitude victims have towards themselves can be a great healing power.

Make Time for Self-Care

Self-care is extremely important for healing after abuse. Self-care can look different to different people. For example, it could look like buying yourself something special or treating yourself to a nice meal. But it could also look like hiring a babysitter for a night out with friends. Or making time for a yoga class or bubble bath. Even journaling can be a form of self-care because it gives you an outlet for your feelings.

Get Help

Finally, healing after abuse is often easiest when you seek help. You could confide in a close friend or member of your family if you feel comfortable. But it’s also helpful to seek the advice of a professional. A therapist is trained in helping people cope with things like relationship abuse and trauma. They will be able to give you advice on how to heal and move on with your life.

Healing after abuse can take a long time. Be patient with yourself and understand that everybody heals at a different pace. You could also have times where suddenly you are triggered after years of thinking that you had moved past the abuse. It’s perfectly fine to revisit these methods anytime you like. Recognize all the different ways that abuse can affect your life. Try to change negative thoughts to affirming ones. Make time for self-care and get help if you need it. Hopefully, you will be able to move on with your life and find a relationship that is much healthier.

Reasons Why Abuse Can Increase During the Holidays

Unfortunately, while the holidays are meant to be a magical time of year, abuse can increase during the holidays. There are many specific reasons for this, but the overarching reason is simply stress. The holidays are a time when everybody is a little more stressed than usual. And in volatile relationships, this can, unfortunately, lead to an increase in abuse. Abuse can be physical but it can also be financial, sexual, or emotional. The increase in alcohol during the holidays can also be a contributing factor. In addition, people are often under more pressure financially. And finally, family dynamics can add another layer of stress to any situation. If you are experiencing abuse in your relationship, reach out for support and get the help you need to get away safely.

Reasons Why Abuse Can Increase During the Holidays: The Stress of the Season

Stress

Stress is the main reason why abuse can increase during the holidays. The holidays are more stressful because there is increased pressure to partake in all sorts of holiday activities. You have the added work of finding presents for family members. In addition, kids are often home from school and over-excited. All of these things can increase stress levels. Often, when abusers are stressed, they are more likely to lash out. They can reach a breaking point and be unable to control themselves.

More Alcohol

Another reason why abuse can increase during the holidays is that there is more alcohol. Alcohol is a big part of why some people hurt their partners. During the holidays, there are a lot of parties and events where drinking is common. This can lead to more abuse if the drinker is a mean drunk. Or if they simply have lower restraint.

Financial Stress

Financial stress is another big part of why abuse can increase during the holidays. Money is one of the biggest stressors in a relationship. It can cause many fights as well. And these can, unfortunately, get out of hand quickly. Not to mention the issues that many people are facing this year because of the pandemic. There are a lot of people who are no longer working or taking large cutbacks on hours at work. This can increase financial stress to a very high degree.

Family Stress

Finally, family stress can also be a reason why abuse can increase during the holidays. If your partner doesn’t get along well with their family, you might not see them very often. However, you might have to during the holidays. Family can easily open up old wounds, bring back negative memories, and bring out the worst in people. Because of this, some partners lose their control and end up hurting their spouses.

Abuse can increase during the holidays for many reasons. However, they mostly boil down to stress. Anytime an abuser is at an increase in stress, there is an increase in the risk of abuse. They already likely have a personality where they feel out of control of their actions sometimes. Adding the stress of the holidays to this can make them snap even more quickly. In addition, there is often more drinking and alcohol involved around the holidays because of various events. And financial stress can also increase with the pressure of buying gifts. And finally, any situation can be made much more stressful if you add in family drama as well. If you are experiencing any sort of relationship abuse, reach out and get the help you need. There are many resources available, but you can also reach out to a friend to help you stay safe this holiday season.

Last Ditch Efforts Before Filing for Divorce

If your relationship is on the rocks, there are some last-ditch efforts before filing for divorce that you can try to save your marriage. You don’t want to file for a divorce and then, later on, wonder if you did everything possible to save your marriage. Start by talking it out with your partner. Try marriage counseling as a couple and work on your relationship. You can also try a short break away from each other. For example, just take a week apart to sort out your feelings. And finally, try to work on yourself. Divorce doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Maybe there are things that you can try to work through that would make you both happier. Hopefully, you’ll be able to find a way to save your marriage and become a stronger couple afterward.

Last Ditch Efforts Before Filing for Divorce: Save Your Marriage

Talk it Out

One thing to do before filing for divorce is to talk it out with your partner. Set aside a time just for this conversation. Pick a time when neither of you is stressed or angry with the other. Schedule it in advance and choose a place where you are comfortable that is not your own house. Discuss the seriousness of your relationship issues and decide if you both are willing to put in the effort to save your marriage.

Go to Counseling

Another thing that many couples try before filing for divorce is marriage counseling. Often, one of the main issues in a marriage is communication. A therapist is a great resource to help you develop better ways to communicate with one another. They can also help you with big life changes and give you ways to handle disputes more healthily.

Take a Short Break

One last-ditch effort to save your marriage before filing for divorce is to take a short break. This is not a formal separation. Therefore, set a time limit of a week or so. Take the time to sort out your feelings and get some space. Sometimes, having a little time to reflect alone can give you the perspective you need to see both sides of an issue.

Work on Yourself

Finally, it’s always a good idea to work on yourself but especially before filing for divorce. Speak with a therapist to help you sort out some of the emotions you are feeling. Try to let go of the victim mentality and see if you can get some perspective on your partner’s side of your issues. Sometimes when we are unhappy, it can show up as relationship issues. We blame our partners for the negative emotions we feel towards ourselves. A therapist can help you sort through these feelings.

If you are trying to save your marriage, there are some steps you can take before filing for divorce. It’s important to try everything you can so that you don’t have regrets later in life. Divorce is a serious step to take and an intense process. You want to make sure that you are ready for it before you file. Make sure that you and your partner have taken the time to have a real and serious conversation about your future. Set time aside in your schedule and plan the discussion so that you don’t say things in the heat of an argument. Try marriage counseling together or speaking to a therapist on your own. And you can take a short break to get some perspective as well. Hopefully, some of these suggestions will help you save your marriage and will allow you to grow as a couple.

Online Dating Post-Divorce

Once you’ve given yourself some time to move on from your divorce, you might be interested in dating again. Online dating sites in particular might seem appealing, albeit intimidating. However, online dating post-divorce can be done. To help your chances, try to keep some tips in mind…

Online Dating Post-Divorce

Match & move on

One thing to avoid when doing online dating post-divorce is “pining.” That’s when you match with someone, send them a message, and then constantly wait and stress for them to get back to you. Eventually, if they don’t respond, you feel dejected and demoralized for future matches.

The thing about online dating is that the overall response rate is low. Still, this is offset by the sheer number of people who use them. Therefore, don’t obsess over every single match. Send them a message, and then move on to another potential match. It’s not worth obsessing over someone you’ve never met!

Watch for fakes

Another thing to be aware of when online dating post-divorce are fake profiles. Not everyone online is who they claim they are. Sometimes, they might be scammers who are trying to pull a fast one on you. They may try and get some kind of money out of you, or other personal info in order to access your bank accounts.

Therefore, be careful about who you talk to and what you share. After all, it’s always important to protect your privacy online. If anyone tries to ask you for some kind of money or is asking for super-specific info, then don’t take the risk. Rather, move on and block or report them.

Meet up in-person

Once you made a match while doing online dating post-divorce, don’t just keep things online only. This might seem obvious, but the reality is that nearly 1/3rd of people who match online don’t meet in-person. If you want to start off on the right foot, then you’ll want to make sure you meet in- person.

You don’t have to go on some big date or anything. Just meeting at a place like a coffee shop can be enough for you to get a feel of who they are. If things go well, then you can transition things into more in-person dates.

Shared Custody Holiday Schedule

If you are trying to figure out a shared custody holiday schedule with your ex, it can be an emotional and confrontational process sometimes. Everybody has special traditions that they want to celebrate with their children when it comes to holidays. But when you are sharing custody, there will inevitably be some times when you have to be separated from your kids even though you don’t want to.

There are plenty of options you can take for fairly dividing holidays. Some parents choose to split the day up and have a custody switch during the day. Others divvy up holidays throughout the year based on each parent’s preferences. Others choose to switch off from year to year with their kids. However, even if you aren’t able to celebrate on the day with your kids, you can still have your own celebration with them, even if it’s a few days late. Your children won’t care what day it is, they’ll just be happy to be with you and creating special memories together.

Shared Custody Holiday Schedule: Figuring Out Logistics

Split the Day

One example of a shared custody holiday schedule involves splitting the actual day of important holidays. For example, you could celebrate a Thanksgiving lunch with your children and then drop them off at their other parent’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. Talk about a lot of turkey! This allows both parents to have some time with their kids on the holiday itself. The only drawback is that it can feel like a lot of shuffling around for children, and can be a little overwhelming for little ones.

Divvy Up Holidays

Another potential shared custody holiday schedule involves divvying up holidays throughout the year. This works well if parents each have separate holidays that they are particularly fond of. For example, if one parent is Jewish and the other Christian, it’s easier to work out who will have the children throughout December. If one parent really loves to celebrate Halloween and the other really loves Thanksgiving, you can divvy up those holidays fairly between you. This idea really only works when coparents are able to really compromise together and figure out a system that feels fair to everybody.

Switch Off Years

Others parents choose to celebrate holidays every other year with their children. For example, the children go with one parent this Christmas, and then next year, they switch to the other parent. You can still divvy up the holidays throughout the year so that each parent gets a few that are special to them. But every other year, there will be some sadness if it’s not your year with your children.

Celebrate Separately 

Finally, even if you are dealing with some arguments or don’t really get your way when it comes to your shared custody holiday schedule, you can still make precious memories with your children. Your kids don’t really care what day an actual holiday falls on. So if it’s important to you to celebrate with them, just hold your own celebration when you get them back. Most likely, your kids will be more than happy to celebrate two holidays. Just make sure to remember that the important thing is that you create memories and traditions together, no matter if it’s the actual calendar day of a holiday or not.

Figuring out a shared custody holiday schedule can be a real headache for new coparents. Any sort of custody situation is bound to have some heated moments, but holidays are one that parents get particularly emotional about. And it makes sense because holidays are such an important part of our memories from childhood. You can opt to split up the day itself so that each parent has some time with their children on the actual holiday. However, this can be tiring for younger children, and it can make holidays seem rushed and frantic. You can also divvy up holidays that are of particular importance to each of you throughout the year if you’re able to compromise on things. You can also switch off every other year for holidays too.

It can be hard to be apart from your children, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t still celebrate with them when you have custody again. Even if you aren’t celebrating with your children on the actual day of the holiday, they won’t remember that in the future. All they’ll remember is how much fun you had together.

Building Your Credit After a Divorce

Building your credit after a divorce is extremely important. Your credit score affects what kind of apartment or home you can afford as well as what vehicle you can purchase and much more. If you have a low or no credit score, it will be difficult to even find a place to live after you are separated. So building up your credit during or right after your divorce is key. Open up your accounts and begin putting all of your sole money in there. Pay all of your bills on time every month, and pay off credit cards as well. Work with your ex if there is any joint debt. And finally, set a tight monthly budget and stick to it as closely as possible. Divorce can negatively impact your credit score, so it’s important to know how to build credit back afterward.

Building Your Credit After a Divorce: Recovering Financially

Open Your Own Accounts

Building your credit after divorce begins with you opening up your bank accounts in your name only. You likely already have some joint accounts with your ex, but now is the time to open some that are only in your name. You’ll want to open a savings and checking account. Move all of the money that is yours alone into these accounts. It’s also a good time to go ahead and close any joint accounts. You don’t want your ex running up large debts with your name still attached to the accounts.

Pay Bills on Time

It’s important to pay all of your bills on time when building your credit after a divorce. This also includes new payments like alimony and child support. If you are late on your bills each month, it can negatively impact your credit score. It’s also a good idea to pay off your credit cards in full each month.

Work With Your Ex

While building your credit after a divorce, you might have to deal with some joint debt with your ex. It may be the last thing you want to do to contact your ex, but if you can work together to pay off joint debt quickly, it will help your credit. There are many ways to work on paying off debt, for example, the debt snowball. This is where you pay off your smallest debts first, then use the money that you save from those debts to pay off larger ones. Eventually, you are debt-free.

Set a Monthly Budget

Finally, when building your credit after a divorce, it’s extremely important to set a monthly budget. It’s best to set a very tight budget and live as modestly as possible for a little while. This will ensure that you have plenty of money to pay off any debts and pay off credit card bills every month. If you have plenty of money in savings, an unexpected expense isn’t the emergency it might be if you weren’t budgeting well.

Building your credit after a divorce can take a while, so it’s important to start as soon as possible. Some people think it’s wise to go ahead and open up a credit card or bank account before they even begin the divorce process so that they can start establishing credit on their own. Always pay your bills on time each month, including any new payments like alimony or child support. Work with your ex to try and pay off joint debts as quickly as possible to help both of your credit scores. And finally, budget budget budget. Living frugally will allow you to put away some savings so that unexpected expenses don’t end up hurting your credit score by going to collections. Helpfully, you’ll be able to bounce back financially from divorce and build up your credit quickly.