Category: post-divorce

How-to Navigate Milestone Events Post-Divorce

A milestone event is a special event that does not pop up very often. These can include celebrations such as births, weddings, baptisms and graduations. Typically, these are joyous events with much celebration. However, as a divorcee, these events can be complicated and painful. Oftentimes, you may have to share the event with your ex, and even their new family. Learn how to navigate milestone events post-divorce.

How-to Navigate Milestone Events Post-Divorce: Overcoming Difficult Situations

Weddings

A wedding is an event that a child will want both of their parents to be there for. This can be trickier one of the milestone events when it comes to divorcees, as this is not something that the exes can show up for at different times or days. Not all exes are bitter and feel awkward around one another. However, when this is the case, it can get complicated. If you feel that you would be uncomfortable sitting near your ex, address this with your child and see if it is possible to get a seating assignment away from your ex.

Do your best to remember that this event about your child and their new spouse, not you! It would be hurtful to your child if you ruined their wedding fighting, rudeness, or barely contained frustrations. If you need to vent to someone, do so before the event. Take this opportunity to be cordial towards your ex. This does not mean you have to hang out with them all night, but at least do not cause drama.

Births

The birth of a grandchild is another one of the milestone events you may have to navigate post-divorce. If both you and your ex want to be present at the birth, you will have to see your ex. If you and your ex are comfortable with this, there should not be any issues. However, if you believe there will be tension, it may be best to split the visits.

You do not have to come in town at the same time as your ex, or show up at the hospital (or your child’s home) at the same time as your ex. There will be plenty of time with your child and the new baby to go around. Check in with what your child wants, as having a baby can be a joyous but also stressful moment. If you are on speaking terms with your ex, you could even communicate with them directly.

While big milestone events may take a little extra thought and planning on your end, it is possible to attend these events even after you are divorced. Consider what your child wants and try and make the situation as stress-free and easy for them as you can.

How-to Regain Self-Confidence After a Divorce

Divorce can be painful in many ways. It can hurt your pride, heart, mind, and even self-confidence. It can change the way you view yourself, and make you feel like you have lost your identity. Having a change in marital status does not define you. Do not ever think that a divorce impacts your value or your self-worth. Here are some steps to take to regain your self-confidence after a divorce.

How-to Regain Self-Confidence After a Divorce: Redefining Yourself

Change Your Mindset

One of the first steps to regaining your self-confidence after a divorce is to change your mindset. No matter how you may feel, remind yourself that you are not a failure due to your divorce. Also, your marriage was not a failure. Many people go through this same thing, so it is important to know that not all marriages last. Change your mindset to look as this journey as one of courage. It takes a lot of courage to step out of something that was not working, especially something that was familiar and comfortable. You are now entering into this new phase of life with the gift and benefit of experience.

Your Children

It is important to remember that your children are not automatically irreparably damaged just because you got divorced. Actually, living in an environment full of fighting and anger can be harmful to children. Therefore, it may actually be better for your children’s wellbeing that you left the bad relationship and removed them from the negative environment. What will leave a lasting impression on your kids is how you handle the divorce process. Do your best to walk through it with dignity and respect, never slandering your ex in front of your kids. Understanding that your choice to leave a relationship does not automatically make you a bad parent or ruin your children is an important part of regaining your self-confidence after a divorce.

Be Active

Exercise is linked to endorphins, which can make you feel happier. Plus, it will make you healthier, both mentally and physically. Find an activity that you enjoy, whether it is walking, running, cycling, doing yoga, or any other option. If you are new to this activity, this might help you find a new community to become a part of. In the same way, if you have already participated in the activity before, it can help you reconnect or be surrounded with a community of people you have something in common with.

An added bonus to exercise is that you will look and feel better. When you move, you will mentally start to feel better. On top of that, you will start seeing positive changes to your overall health and body. When you start to notice positive changes in how you look and feel, you will start to regain your self-confidence after a divorce.

Advanced Co-Parenting: Stepping Up Your Game and Collaboration 

Co-parenting can be made simple if both parents are being collaborative. However, as you, your former spouse, and your children grow as people and get older, you might find that the plan you’ve started with, needs a little bit of adjustment. Now that you’ve become pro’s at co-parenting, it’s time to kick it up a notch. We’ll call this time of reevaluation advanced co-parenting. After all, the things you’re dealing with now that you have older children, can be much more difficult, and require a more hands-on approach from both of you…

Advanced Co-Parenting: Stepping Up Your Game and Collaboration 

When you and your spouse divorced and made a plan for co-parenting, your children likely had a little bit less going on then than they do now. Especially if your children were toddlers, the introduction of new activities, commitments, and wants can being about necessary changes to how you and your former spouse are doing things… If you and your spouse were already successful at co-parenting before, making necessary changes doesn’t have to be a big production. Instead, it can be a natural progression. Not to mention, it should be easier to cooperate after years of doing the same song and dance.

Financial decisions will increase 

As your children get older, the financial requirements can become a bit more intense. For instance, buying a car, prom expenses, cell phones, college funds, interests, develop specific needs, and so forth. In short, when kids get older— the expenses can become tenfold. Therefore, making adjustments due to their needs, as well as current financials, is a pretty necessary step to helping both parents, and the child/children prosper. 

Relationship changes and growth 

As your children become young adults, they’ll start to make their own decisions. Those decisions might affect the current custody agreement that you’ve been following. Maybe your son has started playing football, and the games are every Friday night when they typically stay at Mom’s. On the flip side, maybe your daughter wants to spend Spring Break at the beach, instead of at Dad’s house. Letting your children make decisions, and also learn how to compromise, is a key part of becoming a successful adult. Tell your children to find ways to make up for their breaking a commitment. For example, since daughter wants to spend Spring Break at the beach with friends, offer Dad an extra week in the summer. 

Parenting will never be easy, or stay the same 

As your children grow, you can expect changes. Changes in opinion, habits, activities, interests, and preference. These things are to be expected, and it often means making adjustments and having conversations that you’d rather not have. However, after taking so much time as co-parents, these methods in advanced co-parenting should be a breeze…

Post-Divorce Counselor: Find Your Fit

Seeking out therapy during your divorce can be very beneficial. However, you might also want to consider making use of a post-divorce counselor. Finding the right one for you can seem like a challenge. Still, there are some ways to find one which will work with you the best…

Post-Divorce Counselor: Find Your Fit

Consider their perspectives

The thing about counseling and therapy is that there’s actually many different methods out there. Different counselors might use different styles. Some of these styles might appeal to you more than others. Therefore, consider what methods a post-divorce counselor makes use of.

For instance, some will work on changing your thoughts to help change your actions. Others might ask questions, and help develop a goal for change based on your responses. Depending on which one you feel is best, some counselors might be a better fit than others.

What is their schedule?

You also have to consider accessibility when looking for a post-divorce counselor. Availability can vary from one counselor to the next. Combine this with fitting them around a work schedule, and it’s important to see which ones would work the best for when you’re free.

Still, don’t just factor in the days and hours that they’re open alone. Remember to consider things like distance as well. Having to make long drives can be costly gas-wise, and make you not want to constantly go. A more nearby counselor, on the other hand, is easier to stick with.

Do you feel comfortable

The most important thing about a post-divorce counselor is that you feel comfortable with them. Do you feel like they listen to you, and that you get along well with them? If you don’t, you might not get the kind of help from them that you’re expecting. This can make you feel like you’re wasting your time, and your money.

Don’t be afraid to raise these concerns to your counselor. Odds are they’ll do better to help you feel more comfortable with them. However, if you still don’t, there’s nothing wrong with trying out a new counselor. It can feel a bit tedious, but finally finding one who fits makes it all worth it.

How-to Decide How to Spend the Holidays Mid-Divorce

Making holiday plans can be really tricky and stressful. Then throw a divorce in the mix, and the decisions get far more complicated. Do you celebrate the holidays together as a family, or do you spend them separately and start your own new traditions? This is an especially difficult decision when kids are in the picture. Every situation and family dynamics will be different, so there is no cookie cutter answer. However, by thinking through these tips, you will be able to decide how to spend the holidays mid-divorce.

How-to Decide How to Spend the Holidays Mid-Divorce: Together or Apart

Together

Sharing the holidays as an entire family is ideal. Keeping the same routine and traditions could make these transitions a bit easier. However, that is not possible for many parents during a divorce. Deciding if you should spend the holidays together as a family while going through a divorce really comes down to several factors. Tensions can really flare up from built-up frustrations and the stress of the holidays mid-divorce. Honestly ask yourself if you are you able to get along with your spouse in a civil manner. You do not want there to be an explosion of anger and hurt to ruin the holiday celebrations. This is especially not fair for your kids, who will already be struggling with the divorce. If you feel like this may be a problem, consider talking to a councilor or spending the holidays separately.

Split

When deciding how to spend the holidays mid-divorce, some families may opt for a split set up. This may work best if one or both parents have a new significant other. Other reasons could be that tensions are high between parents, or they do not live nearby one another. While things will feel different than before, you will be able to create your own new holiday traditions. However, don’t forget to consider what is best for your kids too.

With this arrangement, one parent may get the kids during one part of the day to celebrate, and then swap later in the day. This could also be done on as an alternation between who gets Christmas Eve and who gets Christmas Day every year. Sometimes parents live far apart and it is not possible to easily switch within a day during the holidays. In these situations, it is possible to do alternating years for which parents get the kids during the holidays. The set up you make during the divorce could even continue after the divorce is finalized if the situation worked for you.

Stepchild Bond: Ways To Connect

Transitioning into the role of being a stepparent can be tricky. There are certain type of boundaries which you’ll have to respect with your new stepchild. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t improve your stepchild bond. In fact, there’s a few ways you can start working on that connection…

Stepchild Bond: Ways To Connect

Be a good role model

One thing you’ll have to deal with is your stepchild trying to figure out who you are exactly. During this transition period, your new stepchild is working to get a feel for what kind of person you are, especially in comparison to their parents. Therefore, if you want to improve your stepchild bond, it’s important to set a good example.

Of course, you can do this in your day-to-day life. Acting kind and helpful helps your stepchild start to see you aren’t such a bad person after all. Plus, make sure you act positively towards them as well, so they can further see that you aren’t their enemy, but their friend.

Get into hobbies & interests

Another good way to improve your stepchild bond is by being involved in their hobbies. If your stepchild can see that you have an interest in what they like, then they might be more willing to open up and connect with you. However, understand that it might not be an easy task.

Depending on your stepchild’s age, they may not initiate things like talking about hobbies or inviting you to sports events. That’s why it’s important to understand that as an adult, you need to take some initiative. Try to do some background research on their hobbies and strike up a conversation with them about it. Or, let them know you’d be interested in attending a sports game, you just need to know how to get tickets.

Understand their point of view

One good way to improve your stepchild bond is by showing them you understand how they feel. This is a big time of change for them, and it isn’t going to be easy. Sometimes, they’re just going to want some time to themselves. By understanding that, your stepchild will warm up to you faster than if you try and “force” a bond.

Divorce Parties: A Growing Trend

When someone is divorcing, we figure that their reactions won’t be that positive. After all, emotions like grief and bitterness are pretty common for divorce. However, divorce parties have actually become a growing trend. There’s a few reasons as to why this is…

Divorce Parties: A Growing Trend

What they are

A divorce party sounds like a pretty contradictory event. After all, how can one really celebrate something that’s usually sad like divorce? It’s for that exact reason why people like to have these parties. For them, it’s a way to celebrate that their unhappy marriage is over, and their new, happier life has begun.

Plus, “party” can be a bit of a misleading word choice. These events can be anything that the divorcing person wants them to be. For instance, this could include throwing a big party and inviting a lot of their friends. However, it could also include a small, more reserved event with only a few people.

Why throw one?

Divorce parties can seem a bit in poor taste. This is especially true if you had a smooth or mutually-agreed upon divorce. However, these parties are usually more for those coming out of unhealthy marriages or difficult divorces. These parties can be a nice way for them to start feeling like themselves again.

These parties can also mark the start of a person’s new post-divorce life. What better way to kick things off than with a nice celebration? Getting things going on a positive note can help one carry that energy further into their new lifestyle.

Things to remember

If divorce parties sound like something you might be interested it, it helps to keep a few things in mind. First of all, don’t tell your ex about your plans. Doing so can really hurt your potential post-divorce relationship, especially if you have to co-parent. Keep things between you and those you’re inviting.

In the same vein, you might also want to avoid social media posts about your party. It can be tempting, especially if you see other people do so. However, it can be an easy way for your ex to see it too, or cause some drama.

Home Value: Ways To Boost It

Deciding to buy a new home after your divorce can be a big decision. But, before you can buy a new one, you may have to sell your old one. As you do, you might be considered about improving home value. However, there’s a few ways you can increase this value, and in turn get a bigger profit…

Home Value: Ways To Boost It

Keep it clean

One good way to improve home value is by keeping it clean. When potential buyers see a clean home, it leaves a lasting impression on them. Seeing a more dirty house makes them worry you haven’t been taking good care of it. Simple things like sweeping, vacuuming, dusting, and wiping things down goes a long way.

You also might want to consider cleaning out some personal items. This can feel a bit sad at first, as it feels like you’re erasing yourself from the home. But, it does make it more appealing to potential buyers. Plus, this can be a way for you to let go of personal belongings related to your marriage.

Do some repairs

Repairs are also a great way to boost home value. Most buyers don’t want to enter a home and see a bunch of problems they’ll need to fix. Odds are if you notice it, they’ll notice it too. Therefore, it’s a good idea to go ahead and try to get these minor repairs out of the way.

For example, maybe you can patch up some holes in the wall which might’ve been left by the decor. Or, you can try to repair some leaky faucets or creaky stairs. For more intensive repairs, like floor replacements or heavy-duty maintenance, it might be better to call a professional.

Improve the lighting

A lot of people don’t pay attention to how their home is lit. However, it turns out lighting can impact home value. Having a dark and dimly-lit home makes it feel a bit less inviting to possible buyers. Meanwhile, a brighter, lighter home is much more welcoming.

Plus, you don’t have to break the bank to do this. Candles are a cheap and nice way to improve room, and the atmosphere of the home. You can also opt to use LED bulbs. LED bulbs not only are brighter, but last longer and are more energy-efficient than other options.

Workplace Gossip: Handle It Right

Keeping your motivation to work during your divorce can be a challenging task. One of the things which can make that so tough is workplace gossip. While it can be annoying, there are some ways to handle it so you can get back to work without these interruptions…

Workplace Gossip: Handle It Right

Be open and honest

Workplace gossip tends to start when other coworkers think another one is hiding something. Often times, it may not even start out as malicious. Rather, it’s just your coworkers trying to figure out what’s going on. Therefore, one of the best ways to cut down on this gossip is by setting the record straight.

Of course, you don’t have to share every detail as to what has happened. Divorce is still a very personal matter, so it’s up to you as to how much info you give out. Also, if you haven’t already, it’s a good idea to let your boss know first before other coworkers. That way, they can help you keep a stable work-life balance and help address any rumors that have gotten out of hand.

Understand group dynamics

Most jobs have some kind of dynamic between coworkers. Whether it be working on projects together, sharing ideas, or just making some small talk, strong dynamics tends to lead to a strong business. However, workplace gossip can derail these dynamics, so it’s important to understand how they work.

Consider what your position is in the groups. Are you in a management or leadership position? If so, then your coworkers might just be concerned if your personal life will impact your work life. If you aren’t, then it may also be a good idea to let your manager know what’s going on, so they see it isn’t an issue. When coworkers can see that your divorce won’t impact your working ability, the gossip tends to die out fast.

Persistent rumors

Sadly, some people like to fuel workplace gossip for their own personal drama needs. These people will always try and draw up a story, usually for no real reason other than they’re bored or want to cause drama. When you encounter these people, it’s time to take things to HR. After all, everyone has a right to feel safe and accepted in the workplace.

Healthy Self-Reflection: Starting to Heal

After a divorce, most people are thinking about all the things that went wrong in their marriage. However, when they begin to reflect on themselves, they tend to be overly-critical and harsh. Healthy self-reflection will actually do more to help someone heal after their divorce, and help them to begin to take new steps forward…

Healthy Self-Reflection: Starting to Heal

Do some self-assessment

It’s important to really take a good look in the mirror after your divorce. Marriage and divorce involve two people, so both you and your former spouse have things to learn. However, healthy self-reflection means asking yourself the right questions.

Ask yourself “what mistakes did I make?” and “What did my spouse do to bother me, and vice versa?” Then, ask yourself what changes can be made in the future and how you want to make them. In order to begin making changes, you have to know where you’re starting at, and where you want to get to.

Consider the other side

Viewing things from the other side might seem like the opposite of healthy self-reflection. However, it’s actually a key aspect of it. Seeing things from your spouse’s point of view is important in understanding what fully happened in your marriage.

Take a moment to think about what might’ve made your spouse upset as well as what made you upset. This can help you see what might’ve caused you to both to start drifting towards divorce. Then, you can take that and not repeat the same mistakes in future relationships. 

Get an outside perspective

Sometimes, people can get stuck in their own thoughts when self-reflecting. This can lead to them doing more wallowing rather than growth. That’s why it can be useful to get an outside perspective. 

Therapy can be useful for learning new, more positive ways to think. You can learn how to process your emotions from the divorce and channel them into getting a better perspective on things. That way, you can keep that healthy self-reflection going throughout the future. 

It can be hard to start to see positives after your divorce. However, this is actually the best time to self-reflect and plan out your new life. Doing some healthy self-reflection can help you see the new positives in your new post-divorce life.