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Author: Robert Reeves

Wedding Ring: What To Do With It?

Once you’ve made the decision to divorce, there’s going to be a lot of changes to make. One of those changes deals with what to do about your wedding ring. This can be awkward, but it’s important not to overlook this aspect of post-divorce life…

Wedding Ring: What To Do With It?

When to take it off

The hardest thing about your wedding ring can be figuring out when to stop wearing it. Now, if your divorce is mutual, then it might not be a big deal. Since you and your spouse are in agreement, it’s easier to remove the ring. However, these mutual divorces aren’t so common.

If you end up with a one-sided divorce, then your spouse might not want to talk about the divorce. Talking about your rings can be a good way to help them realize what’s going on. You can both try and come up with a date to stop wearing them, which helps you both start to “let go” at the same time.

Sell or keep?

Once you have taken your wedding ring off, it seems like just another piece of jewelry. However, this isn’t always the case. Often times, they’re more expensive purchases than other jewelry pieces, and carry a lot of sentiment. Plus, many times both spouses end up wanting the other to get rid of the ring after the divorce.

So what do you do with the ring? You can choose to sell them, but keep in mind you won’t get the original value of the ring back. Still, it can be better than letting it sit, and the money can help cover divorce-related costs. If you have kids, you can hold on to it to give to them later down the line.

Family importance

A lot of spouses will buy their wedding ring at a jewelry store specifically for their partner. However, sometimes these rings are passed down from generation to generation. In these cases, these rings have much more sentimental value than others, and are harder to just get rid of.

The best thing to do is ask your spouse if they would like the ring back. Odds are it still means a lot to them, and they would appreciate the gesture. That can be a great way to start your post-divorce relationship on the right foot, especially if you have to co-parent.

How-to Co-Parent Effectively

If you had kids with your ex, you are going to have to navigate co-parenting. Depending on your relationship, this can sometimes be more difficult than others. Some exes struggle with co-parenting, and others seem to do well with it. The most important things is to do what is best for your kids. Keep these tips in mind so that you can be prepared to co-parent effectively.

How-to Co-Parent Effectively: Raising Kids Together

Keep Drama Away

First, to co-parent effectively, do not bring your marital issues to your kids. It is not fair for your kids to hear one parent vent or complain about the other. Be respectful when talking about your ex. Do not try and get the kids to take sides. If you need to vent your drama, talk with a friend or a therapist. Do not use your kids as messengers for negative news or comments between you and your ex. When you are with your kids, focus on your kids.

Be a Team

Co-parenting is more effective when you work with your ex as a team. Be on the same page and have consistency between both households. This means having similar rules and schedule. Kids can adjust to living in two different homes better if their schedules stay similar.

To co-parent effectively, try and establish similar consequences for broken rules. Enforce consequences the the broken rules, even if the broken rule did not happen in your house. This will each of you to help show support of one another. The same can be said for rewarding good behavior.

Visitations

Try and make visitations and changing households as smooth as possible. This includes preparing the kids before they go to the other house. Start reminding them a few days before about the upcoming visit. If the kids are young, start helping them pack up their things in advance so that they will not forget anything. You can even pack a familiar reminder for them like a stuffed toy or even a photograph.

Another tip for co-parenting effectively is to make sure you only drop-off and never pick-up your child. If you come “pick-up”, it can make it seem like one parent is taking the child away from the other. Avoid this by choosing to “drop-off” your child instead. By dropping off, you avoid interrupting a special moment as well.

By following these tips, you can work towards co-parenting effectively. If you decide to keep drama away, work as a team, and properly prepare for visitations, it will make this transition for you, your ex and your kids.

How-to Help Your Kids Through Your Divorce

Divorce is tough. It is not just difficult for the parents, but for the entire family. This change can bring up a lot of emotions for kids, including disbelief, sadness, confusion and anger. They will be thrown into a new life that they did not pick for themselves. Parents should not get so wrapped up in themselves that they forget to make sure their kids are okay. Make sure to put in the work to help your kids through your divorce.

How-to Help Your Kids Through Your Divorce: Parenting Steps

Arguments

First, to help your kids through your divorce, make sure to not have a heated argument in front of them. Keep those private. Yelling, screaming and fighting in front of them are only going to make your kids afraid and upset. Constant anger and hostility between parents are a big burden for kids to carry. Also, seeing openly hostile arguments could teach your kids bad behaviors that could carry on into their adulthood.

Work to work through conflicts with your spouse behind closed doors. If you are unable to do this on your own, seek a mediator or a divorce councilor. However, for their sake, keep your kids out of it.

Listen

Listen to your kids when they express their thoughts or feelings about your divorce. Also, pay close attention to their reaction. Some kids may say that they are “fine”, but may be covering up how they really feel. They may not know how to process what is going on. On the other hand, they may be worried they will make you upset with telling you how they feel. Let them know it is okay to be upset or mad about the divorce.

Some kids may need to talk to a councilor about their feelings. This safe space may allow them to open up and talk through their true emotions. Having your kids work out their emotions and feeling in a healthy way is a great way to help your kids through your divorce.

Do Not Over Promise

It is important not to over promise things that are our of your control. For example, do not set up the expectations that your child will be able to see their other parent as much as they used to if you are not sure if this is true. It is okay to tell your kids that you don’t know how things will work out. This honestly will be much more beneficial to help your kids through your divorce than setting up false expectations.

Self-Care

Finally, make to take care of yourself. Self-care is crucial for your health. An important way to help your kids through your divorce is by making sure you are taking care of yourself too. You will not be able to take care of your children to the best of your ability if you don’t take the time to take care of yourself. Getting some exercise, eating healthy, getting enough rest, and paying attention to your mental health are great steps to take. You can not pour out love, happiness, and support if you have nothing else left to give.

How-to: Help a Loved One During Divorce

You can learn more about how to help a loved one during divorce on this video.

It is no secret that divorce can be very painful. It is something that no one goes into a marriage wishing to go through. Watching someone you care about go through that pain can be difficult. Whether it is a family member or a friend, you can be there for them and support them. However, there are also boundaries you do not want to overstep. Learn how you can help a loved one get through a divorce.

How-to: Help a Loved During Divorce- Learning the Boundaries

Listen

One of the most meaningful things you can do to help a loved one during divorce is to just listen to them. Somethings all someone needs is just to vent and open up to someone they trust. While anger is not always healthy, in these cases, sometimes you just need to let it out. As a friend, it is your job to listen. Do not try and fix things for them or interject your thoughts. Find a quiet place and just hear them out.

Only when or if your friend or family member asks for your opinion should you give it. Otherwise, just be an ear for that person. According to David Know, a licensed family therapist, “Most people don’t need advice during a divorce, they just need to know that they’re not alone and that people care.” Sometimes, just talking through things is one of the first steps to healing. However, it is important to remember not to bash their ex with your own judgments or opinions. Focus on listening and validating your friend’s emotions instead.

Be a Friend

Another good way to help a loved one during divorce is to be a good friend. Oftentimes, this means lending a helping hand. Sometimes people have to move as a result of divorce. You can offer to help them pack or move some boxes. You could also bring your friend or loved one a meal. Whether you cook something, or just grab takeout, it is a nice gesture. This will give them one less thing to worry about, and give them some company at dinner.

Even if your friend or loved one keeps declining invitations for social events, do not stop extending the offer. Oftentimes, divorcees feel excluded by their married friends. Do not let that be the case. Let your friend know they are wanted. Also, keep in mind that they may not feel up for being social right then. However, as someone close to this person, be there for them for the long haul.

How-to Take a Break From Dating After Divorce

When your divorce is finalized, you may be tempted to jump right back into the dating pool. Some people even start looking for new prospects while they are only just separated. While it may seem like a good idea to put yourself back out there right away, it may actually be better to take a break from dating after divorce. That way, you can give yourself some time for yourself and hopefully set yourself up for success when you do get back into looking for a partner.

How-to Take a Break From Dating After Divorce: Taking Time For Yourself

Emotional Healing

Divorce can be mentally, physically, and emotionally draining. You will likely carry a lot of hurt with you. Before you are ready to commit yourself to another person, it is best to work through your pain and emotions. This will prevent you from carrying that hurt into your next relationship, and potentially sabotaging it. The same may happen if you are overly suspicious or bitter right after your divorce. Do not try and look for a partner right away in order to mask your pain. If you have not dealt with your emotions, they are bound to come boiling back up at some point. Some people think they have to be in a relationship in order to be happy. This is not the case. If you have not worked through your emotions, it is best to take a break from dating after divorce.

Instead, work towards healing emotionally. You can talk to a councilor or a trusted friend. Also, work towards being the best version of yourself that you can be. Meditation, exercise, reading, and taking time to relax are all good for your wellbeing and mental health.

Occupy Your Time

Find things other than dating to distract you and occupy your time after a divorce. Pick up a new hobby or work on self-improvement during this time. Who knows, you could end up sharing your new hobbies with your future partner one day. There were things that did not work during your last relationship, so this is the perfect time to look within and try and correct those things so that you can avoid those bad habits or traits when going into a new relationship.

If you take a break from dating after divorce, choose to spend time with friends for companionship. This will help you stay busy with events and things to do instead of looking to date. Even if your friends are all in relationships, try and carve out good one-on-one time to spend with your friends too.

Instead of looking for a new relationship just after a divorce, take this time to work on yourself and find other things to occupy your time. Instead of jumping into a new relationship that is all wrong, take a break from dating after divorce. While it may seem difficult at the time, you will appreciate the time to yourself eventually.

How-to Navigate Milestone Events Post-Divorce

A milestone event is a special event that does not pop up very often. These can include celebrations such as births, weddings, baptisms and graduations. Typically, these are joyous events with much celebration. However, as a divorcee, these events can be complicated and painful. Oftentimes, you may have to share the event with your ex, and even their new family. Learn how to navigate milestone events post-divorce.

How-to Navigate Milestone Events Post-Divorce: Overcoming Difficult Situations

Weddings

A wedding is an event that a child will want both of their parents to be there for. This can be trickier one of the milestone events when it comes to divorcees, as this is not something that the exes can show up for at different times or days. Not all exes are bitter and feel awkward around one another. However, when this is the case, it can get complicated. If you feel that you would be uncomfortable sitting near your ex, address this with your child and see if it is possible to get a seating assignment away from your ex.

Do your best to remember that this event about your child and their new spouse, not you! It would be hurtful to your child if you ruined their wedding fighting, rudeness, or barely contained frustrations. If you need to vent to someone, do so before the event. Take this opportunity to be cordial towards your ex. This does not mean you have to hang out with them all night, but at least do not cause drama.

Births

The birth of a grandchild is another one of the milestone events you may have to navigate post-divorce. If both you and your ex want to be present at the birth, you will have to see your ex. If you and your ex are comfortable with this, there should not be any issues. However, if you believe there will be tension, it may be best to split the visits.

You do not have to come in town at the same time as your ex, or show up at the hospital (or your child’s home) at the same time as your ex. There will be plenty of time with your child and the new baby to go around. Check in with what your child wants, as having a baby can be a joyous but also stressful moment. If you are on speaking terms with your ex, you could even communicate with them directly.

While big milestone events may take a little extra thought and planning on your end, it is possible to attend these events even after you are divorced. Consider what your child wants and try and make the situation as stress-free and easy for them as you can.

How-to Regain Self-Confidence After a Divorce

Divorce can be painful in many ways. It can hurt your pride, heart, mind, and even self-confidence. It can change the way you view yourself, and make you feel like you have lost your identity. Having a change in marital status does not define you. Do not ever think that a divorce impacts your value or your self-worth. Here are some steps to take to regain your self-confidence after a divorce.

How-to Regain Self-Confidence After a Divorce: Redefining Yourself

Change Your Mindset

One of the first steps to regaining your self-confidence after a divorce is to change your mindset. No matter how you may feel, remind yourself that you are not a failure due to your divorce. Also, your marriage was not a failure. Many people go through this same thing, so it is important to know that not all marriages last. Change your mindset to look as this journey as one of courage. It takes a lot of courage to step out of something that was not working, especially something that was familiar and comfortable. You are now entering into this new phase of life with the gift and benefit of experience.

Your Children

It is important to remember that your children are not automatically irreparably damaged just because you got divorced. Actually, living in an environment full of fighting and anger can be harmful to children. Therefore, it may actually be better for your children’s wellbeing that you left the bad relationship and removed them from the negative environment. What will leave a lasting impression on your kids is how you handle the divorce process. Do your best to walk through it with dignity and respect, never slandering your ex in front of your kids. Understanding that your choice to leave a relationship does not automatically make you a bad parent or ruin your children is an important part of regaining your self-confidence after a divorce.

Be Active

Exercise is linked to endorphins, which can make you feel happier. Plus, it will make you healthier, both mentally and physically. Find an activity that you enjoy, whether it is walking, running, cycling, doing yoga, or any other option. If you are new to this activity, this might help you find a new community to become a part of. In the same way, if you have already participated in the activity before, it can help you reconnect or be surrounded with a community of people you have something in common with.

An added bonus to exercise is that you will look and feel better. When you move, you will mentally start to feel better. On top of that, you will start seeing positive changes to your overall health and body. When you start to notice positive changes in how you look and feel, you will start to regain your self-confidence after a divorce.

Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

The signs of an emotionally abusive relationship can be very subtle and difficult to spot. It’s possible to be in an abusive relationship and not even realize it. Hopefully, knowing how to spot signs of abuse early can help you get the help you need. Knowing the goal of an abuser is helpful. Firstly, they want to tear you down and take away your self-confidence. After that, they want to try and control you. And finally, they do their best to isolate you from friends and family. Knowing what to look for might help you spot an abuser.

Signs of an Emotionally Abuse Relationship: Know What to Look For

Tearing You Down

One of the main signs of an emotionally abusive relationship is a partner who insults or tears you down. An emotional abuser’s goal is to make you feel weak and worthless. By doing this, it can be easier for them to control you and make you revolve your life around them. By insulting you or making your feel stupid, they can achieve this goal more easily. Look out for your partner always tearing you down, criticizing you, or flat out insulting you. If they call you overly sensitive or try to distort your views of reality, you might be dealing with emotional abuse. Similarly, if they refuse to listen to your opinions or dismiss your feelings outright, it can be a red flag.

Controlling You

The ultimate end goal of an abuser is to control you. So another of the signs of an emotionally abusive relationship would be a partner who tries to control what you do but also how you feel. If your partner asks where you are constantly or wants to know all of your plans, it could be a warning sign. Healthy relationships are built on trust, so if you feel like you need permission to do things and have to let your partner know your every move, it could be emotional abuse. Similarly, if your partner tracks you with your phone or social media, it’s a warning sign. You should also mutually agree on financial decisions too.

Isolation

A major one of the signs of an emotionally abusive relationship is your partner making you feel isolated. They may criticize you or make you feel embarrassed about your feelings. This is so you’ll be too ashamed to seek help. They may also manipulate you into spending all your time with them. Or making your life and priorities revolve around them. If your partner insults your family or friends and makes you feel guilty for spending time alone or with others, it could be a red flag.

Hopefully, knowing the signs of an emotionally abusive relationship can help you spot warning signs if your partner is abusive. If you feel that they tear you down, control you, or try to isolate you, you might want to really take a look at your relationship. If you do find that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, reach out to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline for support. Hopefully, they can assist you in getting the help you need.

Talking About Money with Your Spouse

Talking about money can be an awkward conversation for many people. Many are brought up not to discuss finances with anybody, even their spouse. However, finances are one of the main sources of stress in a marriage. You and your spouse must be able to have healthy discussions about money. It’s not a good idea to have one spouse handle all the finances in a relationship. It should be a group effort between the two of you so that you both have a say in things. Choose the right moments to talk about money, plan them. And continue to have them throughout your marriage. Money will always be a part of your life, so keep the conversation going. And make sure that both you and your spouse can be honest with each other about mistakes. Having a healthy relationship with finances will strengthen your marriage.

Talking About Money with Your Spouse: Having the Awkward Conversation

Do I have to?

Talking about money with your spouse is very important and a necessary part of any marriage. Finances are one of the main sources of stress in relationships and are often cited as a reason for divorce. Both spouses must have a say in their spending habits. It’s also important that both spouses are aware of your overall financial health in the relationship. Many times, people are blind-sided about the state of their finances if they haven’t been having conversations throughout their marriage about money. Being unaware of your financial situation and trusting your partner with money can leave you vulnerable and ill-prepared if something changes in your marriage.

Choose the Right Moment

Talking about money should be an ongoing discussion in your marriage. However, it’s important to pick the right time to talk about money. It’s a great idea to schedule a time to talk about money together. For example, plan a meal one night where you’ll check in with each other and discuss financial goals. Make sure to have financial conversations when you’re both calm. For instance, it’s not a great idea to bring up money when you’re in the middle of a fight.

Make it an Ongoing Discussion

While you should be careful about picking the right time for talking about money, it should be an ongoing discussion in your marriage. Money is something that will always be a part of your life, and it’s easy to get into troublesome spending habits. One way to prevent this is to make sure that you are frequently checking in with one another. Your relationship will change, and your financial goals likely will as well.

Be Honest About Mistakes

Finally, when talking about money with your spouse, it’s important, to be honest with one another. Hiding debt or financial troubles can lead you down a dangerous path in marriage. You both will likely go off-track with spending once in a while and that’s perfectly normal. However, it’s important to be honest so that you and your partner can work together to get back on track.

Talking about money can be a tricky situation for a lot of people. However, it’s incredibly important in a marriage because finances play such an important role in your overall life. Both partners should be very aware of the financial health of the relationship, and you should work together to create financial goals. Make time in your schedule to discuss your money, and make sure that you keep the discussion going throughout your marriage. Finally, be open and honest about any financial concerns or mistakes. You and your partner need to be on the same page with spending. Having a healthy relationship with finances can increase the strength of your marriage and smooth out a lot of marital stress. Whether you have plenty of money or are struggling financially, it’s important to handle it as a team.

Starting the Adoption Process: Considerations

There are many things to consider and think about when starting the adoption process. If you can feel good with the answers to these considerations, you are on the right track. The decision to adopt can be very exciting and emotional, so it’s important to make sure it’s right for you.

Starting the Adoption Process: What to Consider

Public or Private Agency

First, when starting the adoption process, you will need to determine if you want to go with a public or private agency? Public child welfare agencies are run by the government. Each county has a department of social services who are responsible for kids who are in the foster system. These children may become eligible for adoption if they are not able to be reunited with their families. Since it is a government run program, the process can slow and there may be a lot of hoops to jump through. However, these adoptions are usually going to cost less that those with a private agency. 

On the other hand, private agencies are usually registered as non-profit organizations. These adoptions are usually more expensive. However, the applicant may have more control over the type of infant or child they adopt. With private agencies, the process can oftentimes be a bit smoother as well. 

Child Type

Another thing to consider when starting the adoption process is what type of child you want to adopt. Start thinking about what about what personalities and characteristics you would be best suited for parenting. Keep in mind that adopting a child is more for the child’s benefit instead of yours. Think about things such as if you would do well parenting a child with mental, physical or emotional challenges? What about a child who has a sibling? Do you have a preference of gender or age? These are all questions you will really need to think hard about and come up with honest answers. 

Patience

Some children, especially those who are ages 5 and up, can have a more difficult time trusting and bonding with new adults. You will have to be patient, as it may take the child a while to be unsure about your commitment to them as well as you in general. It may take them a while to show you love back. This is just another thing to consider when starting the adoption process. 

You will also have to be willing to go through many pre and post adoption placement counseling. Are you patient enough to cooperate with all of these parts of the process?

Resources

Raising a child requires a lot of resources. This includes financial resources such as money to buy clothes, food, toys, shelter and even saving for college. It also requires an abundance of love, time, energy and involvement. When starting the adoption process, you must ask yourself if you (and your partner, if you have one) are ready to give of these resources?

A strong family or community support is another important resource to have. Will your friends and family be supportive of your new family unit? Does your community have the appropriate resources (good schools, safe environment) for your new family?

Other Major Life Events

Have you had a major life event in the last year? These can include experiencing a death of someone close, separating from or losing a partner, moving far away, or any other big change. If you have had a major life event, wait a little bit, and then re-evaluate. Adoption is a major life event itself, so don’t couple it with another big life event. Let everything settle down before starting the adoption process.