Category: post-divorce

Post-Divorce Debt: Management Methods

Divorce can sometimes be costly, and as such it helps to prepare a bit financially. Still, even with a good plan, you might find yourself with some post-divorce debt. This debt is definitely something you’ll want to get under control. There’s a few things you can do to help get it down to a manageable level…

Post-Divorce Debt: Financial Impact of Divorce

Re-evaluate your budget

Your post-divorce debt is probably going to require you to take a new look at your budget. As you go away from a double-income household to a single-income one, your past budget may not work as well as it used to. Plus, you’ll probably have some additional expenses to manage. Among these will be your debt.

Therefore, take the time and plan out a potential new budget. Consider your necessary expenses, and how much income you make. This can help you see if you can cut spending in one area to help with debt payments, or if you may need to consider looking for a better-paying job.

Set up payment plans

Another helpful way to handle post-divorce debt is by having payment plans. Not paying your debt at all can quickly add up as extra interest is accumulated. Now, some places may give forgiveness for one or two months missed. Still, if it becomes a habit, then your debt will continue to mount and things like your credit will suffer.

Instead, you can see about setting up a payment plan. Usually, these will let you set up automatic payments for debt payments every month. You may also be able to set up adjusted payments. This can see you making smaller, more manageable monthly payments, but making more of them over a longer period of time.

Consider all your strategies

Of course, the best thing to do with post-divorce debt is to pay it off. However, it’s entirely possible that you just don’t have the extra money to do so. Rather than just let those bills pile up, you should take the time to consider all of your potential options.

For example, if you have good credit, you may want to think about debt consolidation. This puts all your debt together and can lower your interest rate. You might also want to consider debt management, settlement, and in extreme cases, bankruptcy. Just note that these can have a negative impact on your credit in exchange for helping you control or remove your debt.

Sell or Keep the Family Home: Post-Divorce

After a divorce, it can be difficult to decide if you should sell or keep the family home. There are plenty of factors that play into this. Everyone’s situation will be different…

Sell or Keep the Family Home: Factors to Consider

Finances

Your financial situation will play a big role in deciding if you should sell or keep the family home after a divorce. Based on your situation, you may have the option to sell the home and split the profit. Another option may be to buy out your spouse to keep the house. You will need to determine which is a better option for you financially.

You may have to speak with a financial advisor or an accountant to see which option is going to be the best financially. Keep in mind there are a lot of financial responsibilities that come with owning a house. You don’t want to start a new chapter of your life with expenses and debt you can’t handle. 

Eligibility for a Mortgage 

Additionally, while deciding if you should sell or keep the family home, you should check to see if you could qualify for a mortgage, if needed. In some cases, one spouse may not be approved to carry a mortgage on their own. This is especially true if they were a non-income earning spouse. You certainly don’t want to make a decision based on thinking you could easily buy another house without making sure you are eligible for a mortgage.

Children

If you have children, especially ones in school, they could be a factor in deciding if you should sell or keep the family home. It can be difficult to uproot children and move them to a different school. Therefore, this may play a role in you deciding to keep you in your current home. Research the schools in the new area you may be considering so that you can make an informed decision. 

A New Start

Sometimes, you may just need a brand new start. A home can hold a lot of memories and emotions. Selling a home can give you the opportunity for a new start. Whether that move is locally, or long-distance, moving into a completely new home may be a deciding factor in whether or not to sell or keep the family home. 

Divorce comes with many difficult decisions to make. Deciding if you should keep or sell the family home could be one of them. Take your time, do your research, and think it through so that you make sure you’re making the right decision.

Birds Nest Agreement: Will it Work for Me? 

When it comes to child custody, every family has their own ways of making it work. From swapping weekends, holidays, christmases, pick ups, and so forth— you each have things that make your agreement unique. One of the most jarring things about child custody swaps, is moving your child from one home to another on a regular basis. For some families, this just doesn’t feel like the right way to do things. Therefore, a certain agreement, called the birds nest agreement, has become popular for many families. So, we’re going to break it down for you, and help you decide whether this is just the move your family has been looking for. 

Birds Nest Agreement: Will it Work for Me? 

What is a birds nest agreement? 

A birds nest agreement is where you have one home for the each of you: one for Mom, Dad, and Child. In a birds nest agreement, the two parents will swap off time spent in the ‘birds nest’ when it’s their time for custody. In short, whoever has the custody time, will be in the house while the other parent will stay in their respective home. Each member has their own home, and both parents share the responsibilities of the third home. 

What is negative about this? 

Of course, the idea of having a third dwelling seems, and absolutely is, extremely costly. You have to maintain three rents/mortgages. In short, this option isn’t necessarily cost-efficient for anyone involved. 

Furthermore, this agreement can also seriously hinder a new relationship if you’re in one. You aren’t in your own home for half off the time, you share a space with your former spouse, and your time is more divided than it would be in any other situation. However, if this is important to you, it’s just another bump along the way for your relationship. 

However, there are plenty of positives

One: you solve the biggest issue for divorced parents, going back and forth between pick ups and drops offs. Your kid doesn’t have to shuffle their belongings, school work, and themselves between one home and the other. This option is stable, and skips some of the hardest things about a child custody agreement. Communication can be easy to maintain through a common calendar, white board, or other things throughout the house. 

All in all, it’s an expensive, yet stable option 

This type of agreement has it’s fair share of ups and down— as does any agreement. Ultimately, this would be a really nice option for anyone who has the financial ability to do so, and the flexibility to move from spot to spot on a regular basis. Every custody agreement is different, and each family needs something different— which makes this a viable option.

Court Attire: Dress for Success

It only takes 1/10th of a second for someone to form a first impression. This means it’s important to make as good of a first impression as possible. This is especially true in court, where the impression you give can have lasting effects on the outcome of your case. Having the proper court attire goes a long way in making that first impression on the judge a good one…

Court Attire: Dress for Success

Keep it classy

Everyday clothing has become much more relaxed these days than in the past. The rise of business casual dress codes also means that some people are unaware of what “normal” business attire should consist of. This can translate to potentially unprofessional court attire.

You’ll want to approach dressing for court like dressing for a job interview. For men, this means collared shirts, dress pants, and ties. For women, dresses, skirts and blouses, or dress pants and tops will work. Make sure they are simple with no crazy designs or colors as well. 

Tattoos and piercings 

Tattoos and body piercings have also become much more common these days. However, how do they apply when thinking of court attire? What would be considered appropriate versus crossing the line? It really comes down to finding the best way to mix looking professional versus expressing yourself.

You’ll probably want to wear clothes that’ll cover your tattoos as best as possible. You’ll also want to take out any “unique” piercings like nose or lip ones. Additionally, if you have colored hair, make sure to dye it to a natural color for your court appearance. This shows the judge you’re going the extra mile to be professional in their courtroom. 

It’s all about respect

Proper court attire all comes down to showing respect for court and the judge. If the judge sees that you’re putting in the effort to treat your case seriously, then it boosts your credibility. Dressing properly isn’t a guarantee of success, of course; it just means you’re starting off on the right foot. 

Dressing is just one part of the full courtroom experience. You’ll also need to make sure you’re aware of proper courtroom etiquette. Having both perfected will let you and your lawyer focus on the case at hand rather than any distractions. 

Narcissistic Ex: How To Communicate

Figuring out how to talk to your ex as a co-parent can be pretty tough. This can only get harder if you’re dealing with a narcissistic ex. While it might feel impossible at first, there are ways you can make it a bit easier for yourself when you have to talk to them…

Narcissistic Ex: How To Communicate

Don’t take the bait

One of the trickiest parts of talking to a narcissistic ex is how they like to change the subject. Often times, they might try to steer the conversation towards themselves or what they’re doing, in order to show off. Or, they might make jabs at you to try and get under your skin.

When this happens, it’s important to not take the bait. They want to get you upset, and in turn make you lose focus of the conversation’s original goal. Do your best to ignore those comments and stick to what you need to discuss. If they refuse to focus, then disengage and tell them you’ll talk at a later time.

Stick to “yes” or “no” answers

If a narcissistic ex tries to ask you questions, especially over email or text, they tend to make them not as straightforward as they should. For instance, they might include some kind of backhanded comment or brag about what they’re doing. While you might feel the need to correct the record, the best response is to keep your answers brief.

Ignore all the stuff they included that isn’t relevant to what you have to do as a co-parent. Single out those questions, and make it clear you’re only replying to that part of the question. For example, if they ask if you can watch the kids, but try to insert a brag about themselves, just say “yes, I can watch the kids” and leave it at that.

Set your boundaries

A narcissist, especially a narcissistic ex, loves to poke and prod at your boundaries. They want to push your buttons, find out what you’re doing, and figure out a way to either put you down, or lift themselves up. That’s why it’s important to keep your boundaries firm. Don’t give them any room to work with, and if they don’t respect the boundaries, then you know your conversation isn’t worth continuing.

Support Groups: What To Consider

The pain and loss that comes with divorce can be difficult to go through alone. Therefore, you’ll want to lean on your support system for help. One key part of this system are support groups. However, finding a group that works for you depends on a few factors…

Support Groups: What To Consider

What’s the focus?

Divorce support groups tend to have two main types of focus areas: informational and processing. Informational groups tend to spend time on learning tools and recovery. At these meetings, you’ll learn about different methods to help you adjust to your divorce, and make changes in your life.

However, processing groups are more focused on personal experiences. These are places where people can come and share their experiences with others who know how they feel. Furthermore, you can hear from others what helped them with recovery. You’ll want to figure out what kind of focus fits you the best.

How is the schedule?

You’ll also need to consider what kind of schedule these support groups have. Different groups will tend to have different kinds of schedules. Some might meet once a week, while others might meet on a more consistent basis. Plus, you’ll have to consider what days of the week a group might meet on.

Look at what your schedule looks like now, and see what kind of groups work with that. Don’t forget to consider the time duration as well. For instance maybe you’re only free at certain times each day. You won’t want to sign up for a group which could make you late for other things like work!

Is there an attendance policy?

Support groups are all dependent on those who show up to them. As a result, some groups might have stricter attendance policies than others. This usually is done to ensure that each meeting can be productive and worthwhile. After all, it isn’t fair to those who do come if not enough other people show up.

Still, you might need some flexibility. Maybe you have kids or other things which can impact your schedule. In these cases, most groups are understanding if you give them a heads-up in advance. However, it might be worth it to find one that is less strict if you know things might constantly come up. You can even look for groups which are online too.

Post-Divorce Bitterness

Odds are that you’re probably going to be feeling a wide range of emotions after your divorce. However, one that you’d want to avoid is post-divorce bitterness. Those bitter feelings can seriously get in the way of your progress after your divorce. Therefore, it’s important to know how you can push past these negative feelings…

Post-Divorce Bitterness

The problem with bitterness

Post-divorce bitterness is a nasty feeling to have. Bitterness can make even the most optimistic person become angery and upset at their life. Plus, it can have a negative effect on those around you. In general, being bitter makes it’s very hard for you to begin moving on after your divorce. 

Bitterness comes from being angry and frustrated over how you’ve been treated by your ex. Still, keep in mind that it’s all in the past. While you can’t change the past, you can work on making a better future for yourself. However, if you’re still feeling bitter, you won’t be able to start planning out that future.

Identify the sources

 Tackling that post-divorce bitterness can seem difficult at first. After all, being bitter can be a general feeling, and it can be hard to figure out where it’s directly coming from. That’s why it helps to really focus in on where the bitterness is coming from. A good way to do this is to write them down. 

Luckily, you don’t have to write anything complex. Just one or two quick sentences about what is making you feel bitter. For example, maybe you feel some resentment over something about your settlement. Or, maybe it’s because your ex is in a new relationship. Whatever it might be, it’s important to get it written down. 

Change your thinking

Once you identified where the post-divorce bitterness is coming from, then you can start to work on getting rid of it. This comes down to changing how you think about the causes you’ve identified. While you might see these as negatives before, odds are you can easily see where they may be positives. 

For example, say your ex is in a new relationship. Maybe this makes you feel resentment over how they’ve seemingly moved on. However, consider that while you’re going to work on self-improvement, your ex is still the same. That means someone else will get to deal with them while you get to improve yourself and potentially find someone you deserve. 

Post-Divorce Cleaning: Remove Clutter

After your divorce, you might struggle to have the energy and motivation you used to have. This can have some negative outcomes, especially on the cleanliness of your home. That’s why some post-divorce cleaning might be in order. Getting rid of some clutter can help you get re-energized for the road ahead…

Post-Divorce Cleaning: Remove Clutter

The issue with clutter

The thing about clutter build-up is that it doesn’t happen instantly. Instead, it’s often a more gradual process. As people begin to struggle with post-divorce motivation, they tend to just toss things wherever. Or, if they just moved, then they may struggle to have the motivation to fully unpack, leading to more clutter.

Eventually, this becomes a cycle. As more clutter builds up, you don’t want to clean it. But, because you don’t want to clean it, there will be even more clutter in the future. As a result, it’s best to get started on your post-divorce cleaning as soon as you can.

Start small

The biggest issue that prevents people from post-divorce cleaning is feeling overwhelmed. Seeing mounds of things which need to be cleaned can quickly kill motivation. However, that’s why it’s important to not try and tackle everything at once.

It’s better to start small and work on specific sections of the house. For instance, maybe you first start with the bedroom. Then, you work your way up to some more larger rooms, like the kitchen or living room. Do this and in a few days you can see some real progress being made.

Have a plan for after

Once you’ve done your post-divorce cleaning, you want to make sure to plan to avoid future clutter. It helps to think of a plan to keep things organized. For instance, you could get organizing bins or drawers which can help keep things in order. You can also try and regularly clean to prevent too much build-up.

It also helps to think about how you might want to redecorate a room after it’s clean. Redecorating can really change the overall atmosphere and feelings a room give off, making you want to keep it clean. Plus, it serves as great motivation for when you’re doing the cleaning process.

Toxic Relationships

Given enough time after your divorce, you might be thinking about dating again. However, you have to be careful about toxic relationships. These kinds of relationships could seriously hurt your efforts to recover and move on with a new partner. Therefore, you need to watch for some common signs…

Toxic Relationships

Trouble communicating

Communication issues are quite common in toxic relationships. In a healthy relationship, both partners will be able to talk openly and freely. This will help them solve issues without getting into arguments. Being able to talk to one another will boost your bond and improve the overall quality of your relationship.

By contrast, toxic partners struggle with properly talking to each another. Many times, their conversations end up in arguments. These arguments can erupt over the simplest of things. In fact, it might get to the point where you can’t even talk to one another at all!

Constant put-downs

Toxic relationships also tend to suffer from issues with contempt. This happens when your partner feels like they’re “better” than you are. Due to this, they don’t treat you with the respect you deserve. They may roll their eyes at you, respond with put-downs to your suggestions, or constantly use mean words when talking to you.

Sometimes, it can be hard to pick up on contempt. This is mainly because of gaslighting. You might think that it’s just because your partner is in a bad mood or you said something wrong. Try to really think about what you said, and how your partner responded. If it seems off, then it’s probably a sign of contempt.

Trust issues

Trust is crucial for any healthy relationship. Both partners need to be able to trust one another for things to work out in the long run. Therefore, it’s no surprise that trust issues are prevalent in toxic relationships.

Without any trust, the foundation of the relationship won’t be stable. Things like keeping secrets or constantly lying will just cause things to continue to deteriorate. Furthermore, it’ll also make it harder to believe when your partner is telling the truth. This can lead to arguments, and eventually a split sooner rather than later.

Divorce Prep: What to Consider

The more you’re prepared for something, the more likely it is to go well. This same principal applies to your divorce as well. Taking the proper steps of divorce prep can help you save yourself time, money, and stress. It’ll take some work, but it’ll be well worth it in the end…

Divorce Prep: What to Consider

Sort out your emotions

The first part of proper divorce prep is sorting out your emotions. Divorce is a very emotional time for all parties involved. Letting your emotions get out of hand can turn your divorce into a messy and complicated process. 

Of course, you shouldn’t try and act like a robot with no emotions during this time either. It’s all about finding the right, healthy balance of how you feel and how to process said feelings. Joining a support group or meeting with a therapist are good ways to help you get more control over your emotions. 

Start Organizing

Getting yourself organized is another part of proper divorce prep. Documents are a crucial component of divorce. This means you’ll have to get together tax returns, W-2 forms, bank statements, and a whole host of other documents. 

However, getting them together now means less work and cost to you in the long run. Divorce can leave you feeling distracted as you’ll have so many things you’ll need to do. Going into divorce organized will help you feel much more focused even as things start to pick up. 

Plan out the costs

Divorce can be a costly endeavor. Hidden costs can sneak up on you and make you pay way more than you originally estimated. That’s why it’s important to figure out your finances and make a plan around them.

Remember, you’ll have to start paying divorce costs on top of your already existing expenses. You’ll also need to plan out how much money you’ll need after the divorce is over as well. Balancing your budget is one of the best ways to make your divorce go much smoother than expected. 

Divorce prep is all about getting yourself ready for the divorce process ahead. Going through a divorce can be a lengthy and difficult time. Therefore, you’ll want to set yourself up for success as much as possible.