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Category: post-divorce

Divorce Lessons: What You Can Learn

Your divorce is going to be a big life change. Like with any major change, it’s going to come with its fair share of lessons. These divorce lessons can teach you some pretty valuable things. In fact, there’s a few things in particular which you may want to take note of…

Divorce Lessons: What You Can Learn

It’s ok to not be “ok”

A lot of people try to repress the more-negative feelings that divorce brings. In their mind, they think that feeling bad isn’t “right” for some reason. However, one of the important divorce lessons to learn is that it’s just fine to feel upset, angry, or disappointed. Indeed, it’s actually an important part of your eventual recovery.

No one is ever going to feel “perfect” 100% of the time, especially after a divorce. Therefore, don’t be afraid of those stronger emotions you’re feeling. Once you accept how you feel, you can start to process those emotions and begin to shift towards positive ones. In a way, it’s like you’re building up a tolerance to negative feelings for the future.

Change Is Natural

Another one of the important lessons is about accepting change. Change is a natural part of life. In a way, divorce is just another kind of change, even if you might not be all that excited for it. That means you shouldn’t see your divorce as some sort of permanent failure.

Rather, your divorce is just one small change in the grand scheme of things. The world isn’t over just because your marriage is. Ultimately, it’s not worth it to spend too much time stuck on what you lost. Instead, try to be optimistic about the new, positive changes you can start to make yourself

Perspective is key

One of the most important divorce lessons is about perspective. How we view things influences how we feel and what we think. That means if you view your divorce in nothing but a negative way, then you’re going to feel and think negatively for the foreseeable future.

Instead of getting caught in that rut, try to look at things more positively. Think about how you won’t have to deal with your ex doing or saying things which hurt you. Also keep in mind the new sense of control you now have over your life. Changing your perspective can really help you process your divorce.

Pestering Ex: What To Do

After your divorce, you might hope to get some space from your former partner. But what if they won’t leave you alone? Dealing with a pestering ex can be very aggravating. However, there are some ways you can get them off your back…

Pestering Ex: What To Do

Set clear expectations

One way to potentially avoid a pestering ex is to set expectation early on. The thing is divorces don’t just happen overnight. As a result, you have a lot of time to let them know what kind of expectations they should have moving forward. This can help them see what they should and shouldn’t come to you for once things are over.

Now, it’s important to be direct with them. Don’t try and beat around the bush or hesitate. It might feel harsh, but your ex will need to know what your preference are. If your expectations are clear, then they should get the message.

Know when lines are crossed

Setting expectations for a pestering ex is important. Still, it’s also important to let them know when they cross those boundaries. Sometimes, they might not realize they’ve done so. Other times, they may do so on purpose to see how you react.

When this happens, you need to let them know. This signals to them that you’re serious about your boundaries, and they need to be as well. Usually, they’ll take the hint and learn what kind of behavior they need to avoid going forward.

Watch for mixed signals

These may be times when a pestering ex might not even realize they’re bothering you. This could be because it appears to them that you’re don’t mind them. However, deep down, you might wish that they’d leave you alone! Therefore, you should make sure you aren’t accidentally giving them mixed signals.

A common way people do this is by accidentally going against their own boundaries. For instance, maybe you tell your ex you can only talk at certain times. Yet, you ended up calling them outside of these times. This can give them mixed signals about how you feel. As a result, even if you need to break those boundaries, make sure they know why.

New Year Financial Checklist

Going into a new year after a divorce is often a time for personal self-reflection. However, you’ll also want to look at other areas of your life as well, such as your finances. That’s why it’s a good idea to make a new year financial checklist. Having this list will let you get a head start on planning out the new year…

New Year Financial Checklist

Set your goals

A good way to start off a new year financial checklist is with some goals. In fact, people who set definitive resolutions are much more likely to actually achieve them. Therefore, it’s helpful to set for yourself specific short- and long-term goals that you want to reach in the new year.

Now, just saying “I want to save money” isn’t specific enough. How much do you want to save, and in what kind of time frame? Or, do you want to pay off debts in a certain amount of time? Goals like these are good and specific, and will provide a good sense of accomplishment when you achieve them.

Check your credit

Credit is also a very important part of your finances. As a result, it should also be a part of your new year financial checklist. Your credit will influence a whole host of things, from car payment plans to potential apartment leases. Due to this, you want to get it or keep it in good shape.

One good way to do this is to watch your credit card usage. Try to only use it for things you normally need to buy anyways, like gas or groceries. That way, you don’t use it for expensive things you don’t need that will put you into debt. A steady stream of paying off these kinds of credit card charges can help get your credit moving in the right direction.

Track your spending habits

A problem many people run into is spending more money than they expect. Even when they’re trying to save up, they may struggle to figure out what’s running up costs. That’s why you should also include tracking your spending habits in your new year financial checklist, to avoid this issue.

Keeping an eye on your spending will help you see what’s costing you the most. That way, you can cut down on or remove some expenses. One good way to do this is through a budget. These days, there’s plenty of apps and programs which will help you set up a good budget to reach your goals.

Toxic Relationships

Given enough time after your divorce, you might be thinking about dating again. However, you have to be careful about toxic relationships. These kinds of relationships could seriously hurt your efforts to recover and move on with a new partner. Therefore, you need to watch for some common signs…

Toxic Relationships

Trouble communicating

Communication issues are quite common in toxic relationships. In a healthy relationship, both partners will be able to talk openly and freely. This will help them solve issues without getting into arguments. Being able to talk to one another will boost your bond and improve the overall quality of your relationship.

By contrast, toxic partners struggle with properly talking to each another. Many times, their conversations end up in arguments. These arguments can erupt over the simplest of things. In fact, it might get to the point where you can’t even talk to one another at all!

Constant put-downs

Toxic relationships also tend to suffer from issues with contempt. This happens when your partner feels like they’re “better” than you are. Due to this, they don’t treat you with the respect you deserve. They may roll their eyes at you, respond with put-downs to your suggestions, or constantly use mean words when talking to you.

Sometimes, it can be hard to pick up on contempt. This is mainly because of gaslighting. You might think that it’s just because your partner is in a bad mood or you said something wrong. Try to really think about what you said, and how your partner responded. If it seems off, then it’s probably a sign of contempt.

Trust issues

Trust is crucial for any healthy relationship. Both partners need to be able to trust one another for things to work out in the long run. Therefore, it’s no surprise that trust issues are prevalent in toxic relationships.

Without any trust, the foundation of the relationship won’t be stable. Things like keeping secrets or constantly lying will just cause things to continue to deteriorate. Furthermore, it’ll also make it harder to believe when your partner is telling the truth. This can lead to arguments, and eventually a split sooner rather than later.

Post-Divorce Burnout

It isn’t always easy to adjust to a new life after a divorce. As a result, sometimes people will throw themselves into things like work. However, this can easily result in post-divorce burnout. That’s why it’s best to avoid taking this route…

Post-Divorce Burnout

The problem with burnout

The problems with post-divorce burnout are very similar to those of any other type of burnout. In general, it occurs when someone decides to use their work as an escape from the grief of their divorce. By focusing themselves solely on their work, they think they can distract themselves from those negative feelings.

However, no matter how much work you do, you can only avoid those feelings for so long. In fact, the more work you do, the longer those emotions will simmer and get worse. Eventually, you’ll reach your point of burnout, and all those emotions and more will rise to the surface, usually in a not-so-pretty way.

Accepting your emotions

In order to avoid this post-divorce burnout, you can’t avoid those sad feelings from your divorce. Rather, you need to take the time to confront and accept them. By acknowledging these feelings, you will get yourself through the grieving process, and can start to move forwards.

Usually, many people will actually take time away from work to do this. Still, there’s plenty of other ways you can give yourself some time to process these emotions. Maybe you meet with a therapist, or write your thoughts down in a journal. Whatever you chose, the important thing is getting those emotions out there.

Watch your workload

Another part of avoiding post-divorce burnout is watching your workload. There’s going to be a lot of things you’ll need to take care of after your divorce. Maybe you’re moving, or you have to adjust to being a single parent. When this happens, you need to be careful you aren’t pushing yourself too hard.

Taking on too much work can lead to burnout, even if you’re processing those emotions. Therefore, try to watch how much work you take on. Try to talk to your boss about what’s going on, and how you might need a bit of a limited workload for a short period of time. Many times, they’re understanding and willing to help you out.

Support Groups: What To Consider

The pain and loss that comes with divorce can be difficult to go through alone. Therefore, you’ll want to lean on your support system for help. One key part of this system are support groups. However, finding a group that works for you depends on a few factors…

Support Groups: What To Consider

What’s the focus?

Divorce support groups tend to have two main types of focus areas: informational and processing. Informational groups tend to spend time on learning tools and recovery. At these meetings, you’ll learn about different methods to help you adjust to your divorce, and make changes in your life.

However, processing groups are more focused on personal experiences. These are places where people can come and share their experiences with others who know how they feel. Furthermore, you can hear from others what helped them with recovery. You’ll want to figure out what kind of focus fits you the best.

How is the schedule?

You’ll also need to consider what kind of schedule these support groups have. Different groups will tend to have different kinds of schedules. Some might meet once a week, while others might meet on a more consistent basis. Plus, you’ll have to consider what days of the week a group might meet on.

Look at what your schedule looks like now, and see what kind of groups work with that. Don’t forget to consider the time duration as well. For instance maybe you’re only free at certain times each day. You won’t want to sign up for a group which could make you late for other things like work!

Is there an attendance policy?

Support groups are all dependent on those who show up to them. As a result, some groups might have stricter attendance policies than others. This usually is done to ensure that each meeting can be productive and worthwhile. After all, it isn’t fair to those who do come if not enough other people show up.

Still, you might need some flexibility. Maybe you have kids or other things which can impact your schedule. In these cases, most groups are understanding if you give them a heads-up in advance. However, it might be worth it to find one that is less strict if you know things might constantly come up. You can even look for groups which are online too.

Financial Changes: How To Cope

Seeing your financial situation change after divorce can be quite difficult. These financial changes can really impact your plans for your post-divorce life. However, there are some ways you can cope with these changes…

Financial Changes: How To Cope

Save ahead of time

A good way to handle potential financial changes is to save up ahead of time. Depending on how your divorce goes, the cost can quickly add up. Plus, it’s hard to tell how long a divorce will take until you really start it. Therefore, you’ll want to have some extra money saved up in advance.

Saving up these extra funds can help in a few ways. For starters, it’ll help you cover any unexpected costs or fees which pop up during the process. Also, it’ll let you get a head-start on preparing your post-divorce finances. Even just saving a few extra dollars here and there can really add up and help you out.

Set up a budget

Budgets are also handy for handling financial changes. Suddenly going from a two-income home to a single-income home can really be a shock. Still, it’s helpful to try and anticipate these changes ahead of time. A good budget can really be of use when it comes to coping with these potential changes.

A good way to try and split your budget is into needs, wants, and savings. Your needs are things you have to spend money on, such as food or bills. Your wants are more optional things, like shopping urges or other similar activities. Lastly, your savings are exactly that: money you put away and save up. Looking over these three categories can help you structure your budget accordingly.

Use some outside help

Sometimes, these financial changes can be very overwhelming. When this happens, you might struggle to figure out what to do. However, the thing is you don’t need to go it alone. In fact, you can make use of some outside help.

Talking to a financial advisor can help you better understand your finances. They can help break things down for you, and show you where things can be changed, saved, or worked on. These advisors are especially handy if you have a lot of debt which you’re unsure about how to approach.

Holiday Loneliness: What To Avoid

If you’re dealing with a divorce around the holidays, it can be pretty rough. You might find yourself feeling quite lonely or isolated. However, when you feel this holiday loneliness, it’s important to avoid some common mistakes. Doing so will help you fight those feelings off in a healthy, productive manner…

Holiday Loneliness: What To Avoid

Watch Your pride

Pride is a major cause of holiday loneliness. For instance, many people don’t like for others to see them as vulnerable. As a result, they won’t reach out to others and ask them if they can possibly spend some holiday season time together. All this does is ensure that they remain lonely, and leaves them feeling even worse than before.

Therefore, don’t be afraid put that pride aside. After all, the holidays are a time of giving and being with others. Reaching out to friends or family, even if you feel awkward about it, can be a good idea. Often enough, they’ll be happy to include you in their holiday plans.

Don’t wallow

Another thing you want to avoid doing when feeling holiday loneliness is wallowing. It can be very easy to get all caught up in your sadness. Adjusting from what you’re used to during the holidays to the new reality can leave you stuck in a cycle of sadness. However, it’s a cycle you don’t need to deal with.

Try to consider the fact that everyone goes through points where they feel down. However, you don’t have to make that sadness the focal point of who you are. Instead, look at the positive things you still have, and can start doing, and you can find yourself being a bit more thankful and happy than you were before.

Avoid unhealthy coping

Holiday loneliness can cause people to slip into some pretty bad habits. Commonly, people like to turn to alcohol in an effort to cope. Or, they might also develop some unhealthy eating habits, or isolate themselves from the rest of the world. All of these things combined aren’t going to be good for you now, or in the future.

Instead, you’ll want to use some more healthy coping mechanisms. Find some better, healthier things you like to do, and focus on them instead. Slipping into unhealthier habits will just make things harder than they already were.

Post-Divorce Info: Key Updates

When your divorce is finally over, you might be hoping to finally relax a bit. However, there’s still some post-divorce info you’ll want to get updated. Taking the time now to get everything good to go will save you from headaches down the line…

Post-Divorce Info: Key Updates

Address info

One piece of post-divorce info you want to update pretty quickly is your address. A lot of people will  find themselves getting ready to move to a new home or apartment once their divorce is over. If you find yourself in this kind of position, it’s important that you update your address information properly.

For instance, you’ll want to keep people you trust like your friends and family in the loop about your new address. Depending on your job, it might also be helpful to let your boss know as well. Don’t forget that you might need to update your address for things such as taxes and voter registration.

Financial info

Another piece of post-divorce info to take care of is your financial info. Many married couples will like to either share a bank account together, or have access to each other’s personal accounts. After your divorce, that’s not something you’ll want to have for security reasons. Therefore, you’ll want to update this information too.

If you and you ex had a shared account, then it’s a good idea to go ahead and get your own account. You might also be able to revoke the access your ex had to your own personal account, but it’s safer to open up a brand-new account just in case. Also, remember to let your employer know about any relevant changes, such as if you use direct deposit, to ensure your pay ends up in the right place!

Contact info

Contact information is also some important post-divorce info to update. Some spouses like to share things such as email accounts or phone plans. After your divorce, you might need to make some alterations in these areas.

Many divorced people tend to get new email accounts set up as well as new phone numbers. That way, they don’t have to worry about their ex having any access or control over their accounts. Plus, if you had a particularly nasty divorce, you might want to make changes to these things to improve your privacy, especially away from your ex.

Home Buying Post-Divorce

Deciding to move after your divorce can be a hard decision to make. However, before you can do any moving, you’ll have to prepare for home buying post-divorce. Taking the time to prepare will help you get a house which will fit you best…

Home Buying Post-Divorce

Organize your finances

Before you can do any home buying post-divorce, you need to organize your finances. Divorce can take a bit of a toll on your financial situation. Not only will you have to worry about costs related to the divorce, but you might also have to adjust to a single-income household.

All of these changes mean that you need to be extra-organized before looking at any homes. Determine what your new budget is going to look like, and how a home might factor into that. Depending on your finances, it might be better to wait a bit to buy a new home.

Pick a good location

It’s also important to remember that home buying post-divorce shouldn’t be done on a whim. Buying a home is not just a big purchase, but it’s also an investment for your future. You need to make sure that your new home is in an area which will benefit you and your family going forward.

For instance, it’s good to see if you can get a home that is close to a new job. Also, if you have kids, you want to make sure the new home is close to some good schools. It’s always helpful to do some extra research and look at what the area around the potential new home is like.

Consider you needs

You’ll need to consider what exactly you need from a home when doing home buying post-divorce. If you have a lot of kids, then maybe you want a home that has enough rooms and space in the yard. However, if it’s just going to be you, you might want something a bit smaller, and in turn, a bit cheaper.

The key thing is you don’t want to get stuck with an expensive new home right after your divorce. Your finances are going to be at their most shaky during this time. Therefore, stick to what you need out of a home versus splurging on something expensive.