Blog

Picking Mediation: What To Consider

When it comes to divorce, some couples might opt to go the mediation route. However, picking mediation isn’t always a simple choice. There’s a few key things you’ll need to consider before you make your decision…

Picking Mediation: What To Consider

Are you both on board?

Picking mediation relies a lot on your ability to work with your spouse. After all, it is a voluntary process. That’s why it’s ideal to ensure the both of you are on board with the idea. If you’re both willing to work together, then the process will go smoothly for you and them.

However, if one spouse feels “forced” into mediation, they may not be willing to work with you. They could become very hostile towards you, and lack the open mind needed to make the process work. If you know this will be the case, then you might want to consider other options.

Is privacy a concern?

It’s important to think about privacy when picking mediation. Unlike a courtroom, which is open to the public, mediation is much more private. You and your partner will be able to meet confidentially and discuss things in a more relaxed, quiet setting.

Still, keep in mind that other options can provide that privacy too. For example, if you decide on a collaborative divorce, then you can expect a similar level of privacy. The main thing here is that privacy is just another potential advantage to consider. Depending on how your spouse is, it could cause them to lean more towards mediation.

Can you communicate properly?

Remember that mediation is meant to be collaborative. While there is a mediator involved, they are more of a neutral third party. Their main job is to facilitate the conversation between you and your partner. As a result, picking mediation relies a lot on your ability to communicate.

If you and your partner can talk to one another in a nice, professional manner, then mediation can be a good choice. But, if you constantly find you’re getting into arguments, it might be harder to get the most out of the process. It’s crucial to seriously consider how well you can work together and talk out disagreements in order to reach compromises.

Toxic Relationships

Given enough time after your divorce, you might be thinking about dating again. However, you have to be careful about toxic relationships. These kinds of relationships could seriously hurt your efforts to recover and move on with a new partner. Therefore, you need to watch for some common signs…

Toxic Relationships

Trouble communicating

Communication issues are quite common in toxic relationships. In a healthy relationship, both partners will be able to talk openly and freely. This will help them solve issues without getting into arguments. Being able to talk to one another will boost your bond and improve the overall quality of your relationship.

By contrast, toxic partners struggle with properly talking to each another. Many times, their conversations end up in arguments. These arguments can erupt over the simplest of things. In fact, it might get to the point where you can’t even talk to one another at all!

Constant put-downs

Toxic relationships also tend to suffer from issues with contempt. This happens when your partner feels like they’re “better” than you are. Due to this, they don’t treat you with the respect you deserve. They may roll their eyes at you, respond with put-downs to your suggestions, or constantly use mean words when talking to you.

Sometimes, it can be hard to pick up on contempt. This is mainly because of gaslighting. You might think that it’s just because your partner is in a bad mood or you said something wrong. Try to really think about what you said, and how your partner responded. If it seems off, then it’s probably a sign of contempt.

Trust issues

Trust is crucial for any healthy relationship. Both partners need to be able to trust one another for things to work out in the long run. Therefore, it’s no surprise that trust issues are prevalent in toxic relationships.

Without any trust, the foundation of the relationship won’t be stable. Things like keeping secrets or constantly lying will just cause things to continue to deteriorate. Furthermore, it’ll also make it harder to believe when your partner is telling the truth. This can lead to arguments, and eventually a split sooner rather than later.

Prenup Agreements: The Benefits for You

Prenup agreements are becoming more common for married couples. These agreements can help you sort out property and financials going into the marriage. Additionally, they can also help make a divorce a much smoother process. Knowing the benefits of a prenup can help you determine if you should also have one for your marriage…

 Prenup Agreements: The Benefits for You

Separate assets 

Prenup agreements help you and your spouse sort out what assets belong to whom. This helps you to both know what assets you’re bringing into the marriage. This kind of information is especially helpful during a divorce. 

Asset division is a key aspect of divorce. However, this generally means you’ll have to fight in court to prove what assets are yours from before the divorce. A prenup will avoid this fight, as you’ll both already have all those assets listed. 

Splitting debt

Debt is also something which can get split during a divorce. However, prenup agreements can help specify what debt you and your spouse had before you were married. This will help limit your debt responsibility during a divorce, as well as save you time and money on the proceedings. 

Settlement negotiations

Prenup agreements are basically divorce settlement guidelines. They help you and your spouse define who gets what in the case of a divorce. Without an agreement, you’ll have to negotiate a settlement based on your state’s divorce laws. This can lead to a longer and more expensive divorce proceeding. 

On the other hand, a prenup already lays out who had what coming into the marriage. That makes it much easier to figure out what does need to be negotiated and what doesn’t. For example, that means you and your spouse can focus mainly on say co-parenting agreements rather than everything at once. A prenup is basically a way to “trim the fat” from your divorce and make it easier for everyone involved. 

Divorce Prep: What to Consider

The more you’re prepared for something, the more likely it is to go well. This same principal applies to your divorce as well. Taking the proper steps of divorce prep can help you save yourself time, money, and stress. It’ll take some work, but it’ll be well worth it in the end…

Divorce Prep: What to Consider

Sort out your emotions

The first part of proper divorce prep is sorting out your emotions. Divorce is a very emotional time for all parties involved. Letting your emotions get out of hand can turn your divorce into a messy and complicated process. 

Of course, you shouldn’t try and act like a robot with no emotions during this time either. It’s all about finding the right, healthy balance of how you feel and how to process said feelings. Joining a support group or meeting with a therapist are good ways to help you get more control over your emotions. 

Start Organizing

Getting yourself organized is another part of proper divorce prep. Documents are a crucial component of divorce. This means you’ll have to get together tax returns, W-2 forms, bank statements, and a whole host of other documents. 

However, getting them together now means less work and cost to you in the long run. Divorce can leave you feeling distracted as you’ll have so many things you’ll need to do. Going into divorce organized will help you feel much more focused even as things start to pick up. 

Plan out the costs

Divorce can be a costly endeavor. Hidden costs can sneak up on you and make you pay way more than you originally estimated. That’s why it’s important to figure out your finances and make a plan around them.

Remember, you’ll have to start paying divorce costs on top of your already existing expenses. You’ll also need to plan out how much money you’ll need after the divorce is over as well. Balancing your budget is one of the best ways to make your divorce go much smoother than expected. 

Divorce prep is all about getting yourself ready for the divorce process ahead. Going through a divorce can be a lengthy and difficult time. Therefore, you’ll want to set yourself up for success as much as possible.

Explaining Custody: Co-Parenting Transitions

After the initial explanation of your separation, there will come a time where you need to explain the new living situation with your children. Explaining custody to children can be a challenge depending on their age and their exposure to others in similar situations. Children who have friends with separated parents will understand it better, generally.

Explaining Custody to Children of Different Ages

Newborn through Toddler Age

During this stage of life, explaining custody to children seems a little redundant. It is unnecessary to tell your two year old that you will only see them during the week. They are simply too young to understand this. As long as the child is healthy and taken care of, that’s all they need right now.

School Age through Pre-Teen

At this point, children can understand that you are going to court. They will have questions about what is happening. When answering, be honest but age appropriate. Remember not to bash your ex in front of them. Explaining custody to children of this age is important because they need to understand what is going on. Young children may need to talk to the judge or talk about it with law guardians. In these cases, assure your child they are not in trouble and nothing they say can get them, or you, in trouble. These special attorneys are there to help.

Pre-Teens and Teenagers

At this point in your child’s life, they recognize divorce and what it means. Explaining custody to children of this age may be difficult because they may not understand the court’s reasoning or ruling. Many times, children of this age will be asked their opinions of custody. While these opinions will be taken into consideration, the court may ultimately rule in opposition. It is always in best interest of the child, but it can be hard to explain that to a teenager. Pre-teens and teenagers are in a tender time of their lives. They are full of confusion and emotion. Be understanding and listen to what they have to say.

Explaining custody to children can be especially confusing if your child does not understand that their parents are not together. Being open and honest throughout this time is the best way to make sure all children get heard. If you have children who are in different stages of their childhood, tell them together. The older child(ren) can ask more questions later, but explaining the new custody agreement does not need to be a secret. Telling them together offers some comfort and security.

Valentine’s Day Post-Divorce

If you’ve just recently divorced, then it might be a while before you try dating again. That means you might wonder how to handle that first Valentine’s Day post-divorce. However, there’s a couple different things you can do for yourself…

Valentine’s Day Post-Divorce

Treat yourself

A lot of people tend to beat themselves up on their first Valentine’s Day post-divorce. They’ll spend the day thinking about when their relationship was good, and that now they won’t or don’t deserve to find something better. Of course, that’s not the kind of mindset you should take on.

Rather, it’s better to spend the day treating yourself and boosting that confidence. One small bump in the road doesn’t dictate the rest of your life. Take the day to relax and enjoy it your way. You’ll begin to feel a whole lot better about yourself, and your future.

Be with the kids

If those feelings of loneliness are really creeping up on you on your first Valentine’s Day post-divorce, then it helps to be with those who love. So who better than your kids? Odds are, your kids might feel a little awkward today as well, considering they’re probably used to seeing you and your ex celebrate.

This is a great time to help reaffirm to your kids how much you love them. Plus, there’s a lot of different ways you can spend the day with them. Spending this day together can strengthen your bond, and help them start to feel “normal” again after the divorce.

Meet up with friends

What if you do if you’re feeling lonely, but don’t have kids to celebrate Valentine’s Day post-divorce with? In this case, it’s time to meet up with some friends. Your friends were probably a major source of support during your divorce. What better way to show your appreciation by spending time with them?

Maybe you and your friends decide to go out and celebrate in your own way. Still, you don’t have to do anything fancy that’ll break the bank. Rather, just getting together can be plenty. All that matters is you enjoy your time together.

Common Divorce Questions

Getting divorced can be pretty confusing. In fact, it’s not unusual to have some questions. However, there’s some common divorce questions which tend to pop up more than others. Having answers to these questions can help put your mind at a little more ease…

Common Divorce Questions

“How long will it take?”

One of the most common divorce questions is about its length. After all, divorce tends to get a reputation for taking a while. With how draining the process can be, it’s understandable that many people are concerned about just how long this whole process might take.

The reality of the situation is that it depends. There’s a lot of things that divorce has to cover. For example, there’s finances, custody, assets, and plenty more. Therefore, it mainly comes down to how long it takes to sort these things out. However, it is better to take your time with divorce, rather than to rush it.

“What should I do beforehand?”

Another of the common divorce questions is about getting prepared. As with most things, it’s always a good idea to get ready for your divorce ahead of time. Still, there’s a whole lot of things your divorce is going to cover. So where should you get started, and when?

The best time to get ready for divorce is when you’ve finalized on the idea. At that point, it’s helpful to begin gathering things such as documents in order to get yourself ready. You should also begin to set aside some extra money, just to cover any costs which may arise from the divorce process too.

“Can I keep the peace?”

People also figure that divorce tends to be very confrontational. As such, another one of the more common divorce questions is how to prevent this. While they may not always be so common, it is totally possible to pull of a very low-conflict and peaceful divorce.

Of course, you will have to work together with your partner to do this. The best ways to avoid conflict are mainly through good communication and a willingness to come to compromises in your divorce. It might get tough at times, but it is a much better alternative than a bitter, angry divorce.

Mental Health During Divorce

Your mental well-being is important for a good post-divorce life. However, you also need to pay attention to your mental health during divorce as well. Getting yourself in a good place mentally will make it easier both to handle the divorce process, and move forward in the right direction…

Mental Health During Divorce

Stages of grief

The grieving process is important for your mental health during divorce. It’s important to allow yourself to grieve about the end of your marriage. Due to the loss you’ll experience, you’ll want to make sure you allow yourself to go through all the stages of grief, to better your recovery.

There’s five general stages of grief. First is denial, which tends to occur early in a divorce. Then, there’s the questioning stage and depression stage, which involves questioning what went wrong, and feeling sad over what’s happened, respectively. Finally, there’s the evaluation stage, which gives way to the acceptance stage, where you can finally begin to move on.

Maintain a positive attitude

It might seem hard to be positive while divorcing your partner. However, it’s actually pretty important for your mental health during divorce. Basically, if you surround yourself with positive things, you’ll begin to feel more positive yourself.

You probably know that when people are sad, they tend to engage with sad or depressing things. They might only listen to sad music, or watch sad movies. As a result, they end up just feeling sad all of the time. However, listening to happy music and watching uplifting movies can help give you some much-needed positivity.

Work on your physical health

Your physical health and mental health during divorce go hand-in-hand. When people feel good physically, they also feel much better mentally. This can be a challenge when getting a divorce, as the process might take up a lot of your time. Still, you don’t need to go crazy to improve your physical health.

For example, you can start to eat a bit healthier than you usually do. Plus, maybe you include some basic physical activity, like a walk, into your weekly routine. Simple things like these can help improve your physical health, and in turn, make you feel better mentally.

Divorce Lessons: What You Can Learn

Your divorce is going to be a big life change. Like with any major change, it’s going to come with its fair share of lessons. These divorce lessons can teach you some pretty valuable things. In fact, there’s a few things in particular which you may want to take note of…

Divorce Lessons: What You Can Learn

It’s ok to not be “ok”

A lot of people try to repress the more-negative feelings that divorce brings. In their mind, they think that feeling bad isn’t “right” for some reason. However, one of the important divorce lessons to learn is that it’s just fine to feel upset, angry, or disappointed. Indeed, it’s actually an important part of your eventual recovery.

No one is ever going to feel “perfect” 100% of the time, especially after a divorce. Therefore, don’t be afraid of those stronger emotions you’re feeling. Once you accept how you feel, you can start to process those emotions and begin to shift towards positive ones. In a way, it’s like you’re building up a tolerance to negative feelings for the future.

Change Is Natural

Another one of the important lessons is about accepting change. Change is a natural part of life. In a way, divorce is just another kind of change, even if you might not be all that excited for it. That means you shouldn’t see your divorce as some sort of permanent failure.

Rather, your divorce is just one small change in the grand scheme of things. The world isn’t over just because your marriage is. Ultimately, it’s not worth it to spend too much time stuck on what you lost. Instead, try to be optimistic about the new, positive changes you can start to make yourself

Perspective is key

One of the most important divorce lessons is about perspective. How we view things influences how we feel and what we think. That means if you view your divorce in nothing but a negative way, then you’re going to feel and think negatively for the foreseeable future.

Instead of getting caught in that rut, try to look at things more positively. Think about how you won’t have to deal with your ex doing or saying things which hurt you. Also keep in mind the new sense of control you now have over your life. Changing your perspective can really help you process your divorce.

Divorce Privacy: Protecting Yours

Divorce is something which is very personal. As a result, you may want to preserve your divorce privacy as best as you can. After all, gossip in the workplace or around others can be hard to deal with. There’s a few things you can try to help preserve your privacy…

Divorce Privacy: Protecting Yours

Watch what you share

One good way to protect your divorce privacy is to limit what you post on social media. These days, we’re pretty used to posting whatever and whenever on our accounts. However, during a divorce, that can be a bit of a bad idea for a couple reasons.

For starters, things that you share could come back to hurt you during the divorce, especially if they’re negative and about your ex. Plus, it also can cause others to try and pry into your personal life. It’s a better idea to try and give social media a break during this time.

Talk to those you trust

Another way to protect your divorce privacy is by watching what you say to others. Your friends and family are going to be an important part of your support system. Still, some people might be a bit more loose with information than others. That means they could end up sharing things you tell them with others who you don’t want to talk to.

For those more-important details, try to only talk to those you know you can trust. These are the people who understand you don’t want others to know about your divorce or how it’s going. That way, you cut down on potential gossip spreading around.

Change your passwords

It’s also a good idea to change your passwords as part of protecting your divorce privacy. Many couples will share accounts with each others, or give each other passwords for their own accounts. While this might’ve been fine before, now it can potentially compromise your privacy.

Therefore, try and go through your accounts and change up your passwords. Give priority to those very-important accounts, like bank accounts. The last thing you want is a vindictive ex getting access and giving you a headache.