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Author: Robert Reeves

How-to Get Past Feeling Shame About Divorce

There is no reason to be ashamed if your marriage did not work out. However, it is easy to feel shame. Sometimes things just do not work out in a marriage, and that is okay. As long as you tried your best and put in the effort to make things work, there is no reason to be feeling shame about divorce.

How-to Get Past Feeling Shame About Divorce: Embracing Your New Path

Give Yourself Grace

Being angry towards yourself or others is not healthy. If you are always angry, you will be unable to find inner peace. A good first step would be to give your ex and yourself grace. It may be hard to feel compassion and give grace towards your ex, but just know that both of you are doing the best you can. Once you stop hating your ex, you will begin to develop a positivity and inner peace. This inner peace will help alleviate your feeling shame about divorce.

Challenge Negative Thoughts

Do not let your thoughts control you. Just because you have a thought does not mean it is real or true. When you have negative thoughts about yourself, start to question those thoughts. Ask yourself: is this true? What is the evidence for and against this belief?  Does this way of thinking hurt or help? What would change in my life if I didn’t have this thought? You will be on a path towards no longer feeling shame about divorce once you move past judging yourself.

Surround Yourself with Positivity

In many cases, is true that you are who you surround yourself with. If you only hang around people who are very negative, you will start to feel that way too. In order to stop feeling shame about divorce, surround yourself with positive people. These people will lift you up instead of bringing you down. Spend less time with negative people, especially those who make you feel bad about yourself.

Personal Growth

This time of change is a great opportunity to make some personal growth. Take the time to work through any feelings or struggles you nay have. Do not be ashamed about talking to someone about what you are going through. It can be a therapist, support group, or even a friend. Once you have started working on yourself, letting the good in and keeping the bad out, you can finally start to heal. This process will help you no longer feel shame about divorce.

You can also start seeking hobbies that you enjoy or learn something new. By making an effort to learn new things and do things you enjoy, you will start feeling more confident and happy.

Avoid Social Media

Viewing everyone else’s highlights can really bring you down. You may be looking at every else’s “happy families”. This could lead to you feeling shame about divorce. Know that the things people post on social media are very curated, and usually do not show their real struggles. Do not let this get to you. Just remove or limit the amount of social media you use. If you notice that someone specifics profile bothers you, just unfollow them. This will keep you from negatively comparing yourself to other people.

How-to Spot a Cheating Spouse

You have an uneasy feeling in the back of your mind. You have picked up on things that have made you wonder and question “Are they cheating on me?” over and over again. You will wonder if you overanalyzing things or going crazy. Unfortunately, this feeling is more common than you think, and you may not be going crazy. Learn more about how you can possibly spot a cheating spouse.

How-to Spot a Cheating Spouse: Marital Affair

Being Secretive

One thing to watch out for is a spouse that is being very secretive with his or her phone or computer. A cheater will start to really guard their phone or computer, and clear their history frequently. They will likely be very jumpy and defensive when you ask about their phone of computer as well. You will notice they do not want to part with their phone or set it down. Also, they certainly will not let you look at their devices. Unless there is a chance they could be planning something like a surprise party for you, all of these actions could be seen as very suspicious.

Improved Appearance

Has your spouse never concerned themself with spending time grooming, then all of the sudden starts always looking put together out of no where? Are they suddenly going out for runs, when you could hardly get them to go for a walk with you before? They could be trying to look better for you, or they could be trying to look better for someone else. Be especially wary if they look the same at home, but suddenly start trying way harder for work or special events.

Of course, your spouse could have really just had a pivotal moment and really be trying to get in shape or taking care of themself. Perhaps they just had a health scare or have been feeling down about how they have let themself go. They maybe even are just trying for a big promotion at work. Know that just because they suddenly start caring does not automatically mean that you have an unhealthy marriage or that you have a cheating spouse.

Change in Intimacy

Has there been a sudden change or decrease the the frequency of intimacy you have with your spouse? It could be because they are being intimate with someone else. Alternatively, they could be wanting to be intimate with you more often out of guilt.

Unreachable

Another possible sign is that your spouse is unreachable for long periods of a time. Do you hear, “My phone died and I didn’t have a charger” on the regular? Or is there suddenly all kinds of areas of no service that have popped up all over your town? Be especially wary if they are unreachable on a business trip.

While these do not necessarily mean you have a cheating spouse, they should certainly raise red flags. Do not drive yourself crazy obsessing over it, but perhaps bring it up with your spouse or even hire a private investigator to clear your mind. If you do decide to ask or investigate, just be prepared for what you could find. Although you may be pleasantly surprised to learn there was nothing to be worried about at all.

How-to Handle Adopting Multiple Children: Siblings

You may feel a calling for adopting multiple children. This could come in the form of adopting siblings or just multiple waiting children. Adding one child, let alone more than one, into your family will bring many changes. Here are some steps to take while going through the process of adopting several children.

How-to Handle Adopting Multiple Children: Things to Consider

Why Multiples?

In some cases, a child in the foster system may have had their brother or sister as their only constant in their life. They will have had their entire world turned upside down at some point in their life, sometimes more than once. They will be separated from their parents and everything they know. Their sibling will be someone who can relate to what they are going through and understand them. As you can see, adopting multiple children by adopting siblings will help to keep these brothers and sisters together with someone they have a bond with.

Around 2/3 of all kids in foster care in the US have a sibling in foster care as well. Unfortunately, many of these children will end up bring separated from their brothers and sisters. The most common reason for their separation is because foster care workers can not find a forever home for all of the children together. By deciding to adopt siblings, you will be keeping this family together.

Things to Consider

One of the things to consider when adopting multiple children is if you are ready for this commitment. This will be a very big change, and you need to make sure that you are ready. Assess your home to make sure it is suitable for bringing multiple children into it. Really dig deep and make sure that if you are married or in a relationship, that you are both ready for this. This whole experience will have to be a team effort to make it work.

Another thing to do is to do your own research. There are websites that go over things you should know about adopting multiples. You can also connect with families who have adopted siblings on the AdoptUSKids Facebook page.

Adopting can be a difficult, yet rewarding process. You take this to the next level when thinking about adopting multiple children. Keeping siblings together could be very beneficial to your adoptive child, and can be one way of growing your family.

How-to Handle Co-Parenting and Vacations

After your divorce is finalized, there will come a time when you or your ex will want to go on a vacation with the kids. There will be things that will be different about this trips than when it was before the divorce. While you may feel this tricky, there was ways to handle co-parenting and vacations easily.

How-to Handle Co-Parenting and Vacations: Post-Divorce Considerations

Advanced Notice

You will want to give your ex advanced notice about any trip that you may be going on with the kids. If you have shared-custody, you will want to give plenty of time to rearrange custody times if needed. You would want the same courtesy in return if your ex wanted to take the kids on the trip.

It may also take some time for the party staying at home to get used to the idea that their kids are going to be going away for a while. The parent staying at home may want to fill their time with other things to take their mind off things while the kids are off having fun with their other parent. This is especially true if the kids are going on a trip with the ex plus someone they are dating, or even new spouse. Plan some time with some friends or do some self-pampering in the meantime.

Medical History

Another thing to think about with co-parenting and vacations is your child’s health. It is important for the safety of the kids that both parents are both up-to-date on the kid’s medical history. Think about things such as medications, allergies and health conditions. A full list of any doctors or health conditions would be important to share as well. It would be terrible for something to happen while on vacation and the parent with them be uninformed about the child’s medical history. This could actually prove to be life threatening. Make sure to have open communication about this and discuss it before anyone leaves on a trip.

Stay in Touch

Keep the other parent at home informed with the best way to get in contact with you while you are on your trip. Even if you will not have cell phone service, give the information for the accommodations you will be staying at. This way if there is an emergency, there will be some line of commuication.

Also, let the other parent know about any changes in plans or itinerary. That way the other parent will be able to feel better about knowing where the kids are. Communication helps with trust. This will definitely help the process of vacations while co-parenting go better.

Divorce Decisions: What To Know

A divorce can be more in-depth than you may initially believe. As such, it’s important to know what sort of divorce decisions you may need to make. These decisions in particular tend to be especially important, so it’s good to have an idea for them ahead of time…

Divorce Decisions: Considering Your Options

Custody plans

One of the important divorce decisions you’ll need to make is about custody of the kids. Ideally, most parents like to try and set up a co-parenting plan. However, trying to make one at the last-minute can be a source of frustration. In fact, things can get so frustrating that some couples walk away from the idea altogether, which can lead to nasty court battles.

To avoid this, try and talk to your ex in advance about a co-parenting plan. When you have time to plan, it becomes a lot easier to figure out a fair solution. That way, you both can still get to be involved in raising your kids.

Splitting assets

Other important divorce decisions relate to how you determine who gets what. Most of the things you have gotten together while married will need to split between the two of you. It’s no surprise that a lot of divorces tend to turn sour when former spouses begin fighting over what they are or aren’t willing to give up.

This is why it’s good to consider what you’re willing to give up ahead of time. By knowing what you’re okay with splitting, it becomes easier to hold on to the things you want to keep. That way, you and your ex can strike a good and fair balance and compromise on some things you may both want. This will help you avoid messy, drawn out fights in the courtroom.

Living arrangements

Some divorce decisions will involve where you’ll live after your divorce. Usually, what tends to happen is one spouse will keep the house while the other will move somewhere else. Or, it could be that the person who keeps the home decides to sell it, and both spouses will move somewhere new. Much like with splitting assets, it’s good to discuss this early and figure out where you both stand on the matter.

It’s also helpful to think about what your options are, especially if you don’t want to keep the house. Start looking in advance for potential new places where you can live. There’s nothing wrong with moving in with family or friends for a while as well, so you can get back on your feet and find the right place for you.

Friends with Your Ex’s Family: What to Consider

When a marriage ends, does that mean that you have to completely cut ties with their whole family too? There is a lot to consider when determining this. When you married your spouse, you became a part of their family too. It can be difficult to determine if getting a divorce means that you have to stop being friends with your ex’s family too.

Friends with Your Ex’s Family: The Options

Reasons for Divorce

There is a lot to think about when you are deciding if you should stay friends with your ex’s family. First, you need to look at what the reasons were for your divorce. If you had a friendly divorce, this decision will not be so difficult. On the other hand, was it violence, abuse, cheating or addiction? If you are around their family, you may have to relive some of these painful memories.

Keep in mind that your ex-spouse’s family might be more willing to offer you the support that you need and that you didn’t receive from your spouse. However, you should not expect that this will be the case. Remember that your ex’s family will inevitable stay loyal to your ex, so you need to be sure to know where your boundaries are and exercise caution.

Kids

Did you have kids with your ex? This is something to consider when deciding if you should stay friends with your ex’s family. Keep in mind that your ex’s family would be your children’s family too. Your ex’s parents are your kid’s grandparents. Their siblings would be your kid’s aunts and uncles. Your kids could have cousins on your ex’s side too.

As long as your ex’s family would be loving to your children, it is difficult to keep your kids away from your ex’s family. They will want to see their grandkids, nieces or nephews. Try and consider your kids when making this choice. Maintaining a pleasant family environment for your children is likely to help them through this transition in their life.

Moving On

You do need to consider if hanging out with your ex’s family too often will make it difficult to move on and build new relationships. Can you really begin to focus on yourself if you haven’t given yourself the opportunity to let go of the past? Perhaps being such close friends with them will keep you from accepting that your marriage is really over.

On the other hand, maybe your ex-family is all that you really have in terms of a family. Their support and friendship may help you get through this difficult transition in your life.

There are many things to consider when you are decide if you should stay friends with your ex’s family. Take time to think through these points and determine what is best for you. Don’t feel bad about letting your relationship with their family evolve over time if your needs or circumstances change.

Dating After Divorce: First Steps

Dating is never easy, but dating after divorce can feel daunting. It presents its own set of challenges. Perhaps it’s been a long time since you were even looking for someone to date. Use these tips to make this overwhelming experience feel a little bit easier.

Dating After Divorce: Where to Start

Self-Reflect

Before you even start thinking about dating after divorce, do a good hard look at your past. Unfortunately, it can be tough to dig deep like this. However, taking this step can help you to make sure you are not making the same mistakes over and over again. What went wrong in your marriage? What qualities did you like about your ex? Also, what qualities did you dislike? Think about traits they had that brought out both the best and the worst in you. Make a list of what you want in a partner, and what traits you want to avoid. 

Drop the Anger

Sure, you may still be really hurt about what happened in the past. There’s no denying that. But if you want to start dating after divorce, you have to work towards forgiving your ex. Carrying around anger towards your ex is like carrying around a heavy weight. Also, you could bring that anger and stress into your new relationship. Don’t feel ashamed to talk to someone or get help if you need help through the healing process. Letting go of the extra weight to find a new found freedom that will have you feeling ready and open to letting someone else in. 

Complaining about your ex is not what your new date wants to hear, especially on the first few dates. Keep conversations to what is important to you, and listen to your new date. Remember, they want to know you and not your ex. 

Expand Your Options

Perhaps you think you have a type. Maybe your ‘type’ has characteristics that did not work in the first place. Don’t limit yourself to only wanting to date one type of person. You should try going out with some people who don’t fit the mold of who you usually look for. You could be looking past some real gems! 

That being said, go with your gut. If you’re dating after divorce, don’t waste your time with someone you have a bad feeling about. Certainly, if you see red flags, get out. Do not stick around with someone who does not feel right. 

Online Dating

If you don’t know where to start, give online dating a try. Maybe online dating was not a thing the last time you were looking to date? That’s okay, give it a try. It is becoming one of the top ways to meet people now. When you are looking to start dating after divorce, online dating can help you ease back into the dating game by allowing you to get comfortable with just talking to people in messages. A tip is to have someone or several people you trust help you build, or approve, your profile. That way you make sure you’re set up for success.

There are many online dating sites out there now. There are even ones for different interests, religious affiliations, and age ranges. Read reviews and breakdowns to know which of the dating websites may be the best fit for you. 

In short, getting back into dating after divorce may feel overwhelming. Just take one step at a time. These steps will help you make your first steps towards finding a new relationship!

Homeschooling During Covid-19: The Challenge

Many parents are having to start homeschooling during Covid-19. Teaching kids from home is never easy. However, adding divorce and joint custody on top of that makes education that much more complicated.

Homeschooling During Covid-19: How to Navigate this Change

Joint Custody 

With the school year drawing closer, there is an uncertainty about whether schools will reopen next year. This opens up the possibility for another school year of homeschooling during Covid-19. This may become an issue for co-parents with joint custody. What guidelines should be followed when determining timeshare now that schools have been closed? Court orders address usual school breaks and holidays. However, this becomes less clear when schools are closed for months at a time. 

There may be a difference in the way each parent handles homeschooling. These differences may create issues between exes. It may also impact how the child is learning. Try and establish some form of structure between the schooling setup between the different households. 

Work from Home

On top of that, many parents are having to work from home, in addition to doing homeschooling during Covid-19. Parents who do have to work from home may find it difficult to juggle working and having their kids home all of the time. Plus, parents have to find more time to help kids with their schoolwork. This may cause tensions around the household. If one of the co-parents does not work and the other one does, this will directly affect one of the parents ability to do the homeschooling. 

Develop a Plan

Most parents are not used to having to assume this level of teaching responsibilities. Only a few months ago, no one could have predicted they would be homeschooling during Covid-19. Plus, quarantine throws in a whole other dimension. It is so important that parents give themselves grace during this period. This time period certainly does not come with an instruction manual. This may be a big life change and will take time to get it figured out. 

Everyone’s schedule is different, so every homeschooling plan will be different. It’s important to see what works best for that particular family. It’s okay if there is an adjustment period, but getting a routine in place will make the homeschooling process go smoother.

Practical Divorce Issues: Subtle Changes

It’s always good to do some proper prep work when you know you want to get a divorce. Still, you have to also keep in mind some practical divorce issues. These issues may not be related to the divorce process directly, but could come up as a result of it…

Practical Divorce Issues: What To Plan For

Team jobs

Team jobs can be the site of a lot of practical divorce issues. Usually, when a married person needs help, they’ll reach out to their spouse first. Many times, it’s for simple things that just require an extra set of hands, like moving some furniture.

However, you’ll now be down that other person. You might not think that’s an issue, but for example maybe you plan to move. What do you do if the movers accidentally placed heavy boxes or furniture in the wrong rooms? When you realize you can’t move these things alone, it’s time to reach out to friends and family for assistance.

Yard work

Other practical divorce issues can come up regarding yard work. Most couple tend to have one person take care of the yard work. Others may split up the duties, to help speed things up and evenly share the workload. With a divorce, you may end up finding yourself having to take care of the lawn yourself.

Of course, not taking care of the lawn makes it pretty unappealing and could even result in fines. Therefore, determine if you want to try and take care of everything on your own. If that doesn’t sound appealing, hiring lawn care professionals is also good if you have the money for them.

Administrative matters

 Some practical divorce issues can be cause by administrative matters. Each household will have someone who mainly handles these sorts of tasks. This tends to include things like paying bills, preparing taxes, and balancing the household budgets. They may also take care of things like school activities if you have kids.

With a divorce, you’ll now suddenly find yourself in charge of a lot of these responsibilities. It can be pretty overwhelming to have all of this thrown into your lap at once. As a result, it’s a good idea to reach out to your ex and ask them for some advice. If you left things on good terms, then they should be willing to give you a hand.

Reasons to Adopt: Expanding Your Family

The reasons to adopt will differ among families, but they ultimately come down to wanting to add a child to their family. There are many reasons a that a couple or individual may choose to adopt. Adoption can be a lengthy, yet rewarding process. 

Reasons to Adopt: Why You May Consider Adoption

Infertility

Some people are unable to have their own biological children. Infertility is a common one of the reasons to adopt. Some people try to have a child naturally, but are unable to conceive. Sometimes, they try fertility treatments, which could fail as well. They may consider adoption as a way to have a child, even though they are unable to have their own biological child. 

Single Parents

In other cases, single parents may want a child but not have a partner to have a child with. This is another one of the reasons to adopt. Adoption does not require you to have a spouse or partner. This way, a single parent can have a child without having to go through fertility treatments.

Same-Sex Parents

In the same way, same-sex couples are unable to have a biologic child that would have the genes of both parents. They may have to go through fertility treatments in order to have a child as well. This brings up another one of the reasons to adopt, as this could open another option for having a child.

Medical Concerns

Sometimes, medical issues prevent a couple from being able to have a child of their own. Other times, the fear of passing on a genetic disease or gene could be one of the reasons to adopt. In both of these situations, adoption may be the best option for medical concerns that parents may have.

Give a Child a Loving Home

Another one of the reasons to adopt is to provide a child with a stable, loving home. There are children domestically and around the world who live in an environment that may not be safe, loving or supportive. 

On the other hand, sometimes parents are in situations where they are just not able to provide or care for a child. Some people decide to adopt because they want to give these children a supportive home and love them as their own. 

These are just some of the many reasons to adopt. There are children in the United States, abroad and in the foster system who are up for adoption. Whatever your reasons are for starting the journey towards adoption, make sure you weigh all options and do plenty of research. Adoption is a wonderful thing, but not something to take lightly.